why don't i blog more?

i was texting with co today and you know what she said? "i blogged today :) why aren't you???" and ya know, i didn't really have a good answer for that. she got the standard answer of "well, it's been hit and miss since last summer"

i got to thinking about it, why don't i blog more? idk *shrugs* i guess part of it is not knowing what to say. things get so jumbled in my head sometimes that they don't come out the way that i intend them to. i know another part of it, is that on some level i've become more of a private person. it's hard to know who to trust and who will take the things that i say and twist them. also, i'm not a fan of people who talk about me behind my back while lying to my face. yes, my lovelies, these kinds of people exist in my life. shocking, right?!

i have no patience for THOSE type of people, they make me twitchy. and 'twitchy me' isn't nice. i can't say that i have that much of a temper. but once the kettle boils over, you better watch out.

so i guess that's why.

anywho, i've been having a string of weird, but mostly wonderful weekends. so that's a huge plus! i've had a lot of great times with wonderful friends. and while sometimes i think they're evil for MAKING me get outta the house, i love them dearly for it. the life of a hermit, while appealing, is not exactly healthy for me.

in other news: late night texts, phone calls and visits are in full effect! as well as the daytime version of the same :) it was nice being the one without the drama this weekend!

that's it

the love comes whether you like it or not. this, i've decided.

lifelines

when you think your world is falling down around you, that's when your lifelines come to pick your spirit up. this is why i love my wonderful friends. they give me strength when i have none left.

text messages, a phone call and a surprise visit have made my week a lot brighter than it was. i'm a lucky girl to have people who truly care about me in my life!

flashbacks

bad day. really, really bad day.

overwhelmed is not a good look for me. i'm not really sure what triggered it. it could be the majorly disjointed sleep or the rain. it could be any number of things that are pressing in on my little bubble.

i've been having these 'memories' for the last few days. they're like lost dreams on the tip of your consciousness. i've been trying to figure out what they were. it finally hit me today. i'm having flashbacks, flashbacks of the bad stuff. and now i can't stop crying.

i'm not what people think i am.

yes, i am a girl with a smile and a hug for everyone. and yes, i love unconditionally. i am strong and i am capable. but i am also alone.

i am always fun to be around and i always try to be there for friends and family in their time of need. but at the end of the night or even before it starts, all i want is to be snuggled up on the couch or in my bed. i don't want to be around all of those people. on some level it freaks me out.

i guess a lot of it comes down to fear. i'm afraid of so much. i do everything that i can to protect those that are close to me, esp the kidlets. but who does that for me?

the only person that has offered me any kind of real tenderness, as in a shoulder or a hug, as of late has decided to be MIA since saturday night for some reason unknown to me.

maybe that's my fault.

i hate this. i hate feeling like this. i thought i was doing so well and finally getting back to being ME. now, i don't know. i hope that this rolls out with the tide.

like a pendulum

"she deserves the 3 'R's. the river, the revolver or the roof. that's what the mob lived by. seems to work for them." ~something mg said in a text today. ha! that girl cracks me up!!

life swings like a pendulum. sometimes its good and sometimes it's hard and confusing. last week, things made more sense. today? not so much. things tend to go all sideways after a bit. and, so i wait. patience is sometimes all i have.