new thoughts from me...

tired

2011-11-27T16:02:00.002-05:00

we all want to be loved and desired.

it's plain and simple.

i'm tired and my body aches, but my friend needs me right now. so i'm putting rest aside today.

to my lovelies: #1

2011-11-27T15:46:00.008-05:00

i wrote you an email. i'll be writing more over time and publishing as i can.

dear lovelies,

i haven't posted for MONTHS and it's driving me absolutely nuts! it's kinda complicated as to why.

a quick list of some of the reasons:

i met a guy that started as my friend and then became more for about minute. not something i had planned for, it just kinda happened.

said guy's brother passed away suddenly and everything turned to sh*.

i moved, again.

issues with the kidlets.

issues with friend.

sickness... lots of sickness.

and i've been trying to recuperate ever since.

these days my soul is tired.

voila!

2011-08-15T19:26:00.004-04:00

sooooo... i just read that last post and man! was i a mess and half?!

*wrapping my arms around you all and hugging you tight*

hi! i've missed you!!

i'm sorry that i've been gone so long from this space, MY space. i forget that that's what it is sometimes. i forget that i can write whatever i want here. welp, that's gonna change.

*settles in to the pillows*

as you all know, i did that whole cannonball thing. it's working out even better than i expected. it just took me a bit to get the ins and outs of it all figured out. it turns out that for things to be 'just right' for me, i have to mix some of the old with some of the new and VOILA! it's balanced the way it should be.

i truly have some of the best friends and our friendships keep getting better.

and the one that makes my heart all a flutter... yeah, he's still amazing and wonderful! can you believe it's been over 2 years since he and i started this dance?!

mmm... more to come, much more :)

those things were real

2011-07-16T22:30:00.004-04:00

why? just why?

why does this have to hurt so much?

why does missing someone have to hurt?

tonight, i cry.

tonight, i have pain and can't eat. why is this? what makes tonight any different than any other night in the last 6 weeks? is it the moon? is it some other factor?

maybe it's that i've had so much on my plate, that as i clear these things it makes more time for my gears to turn about things that i would rather forget...

yes, i said forget.

it's easier to try and forget than it is to try and make sense.

the day to day things, they make sense. it's the other things that lie under the surface that don't.

sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind.

but then, i go back and read and know that that's not the case.

those memories really happened. those words were really said. those emotions were really felt. those things were real.

in the end, no matter how we try to fill the void, it's still a void.

i've been hearing pretty words, but from the wrong people. for some reason, that hurts more than not hearing them at all.

maybe i've stepped to far outside of my comfort zone too fast...

i've moved and i'm starting a new job monday morning, but i find myself longing for those other things that have been somewhat of a constant in my life for so long. that's not wrong is it?

*sigh*

cannonball

2011-06-23T08:02:00.004-04:00

"we all want to fall in love. why? because that experience makes us feel completely alive. where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. it may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. but that doesn't diminish it's value. because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives."

i'm not sure where i found that, but it embodies so much of what i think and feel about my particular situation.

i find myself super busy these days with living life. i've stepped way outside my comfort zone recently and made some decisions.(more about those later)

life is so full of new adventures! there are all of these bright and shiny new possibilities. i'm right on the edge and i think i'm ready to dive in. and you know me, it's none of that swan dive crap. i'm all about a sexy cannonball into the water.

wish me luck my lovelies! i'm gonna need it *wink*

a perfect song for a perfect splash! for you i will by teddy geiger.

moments of bliss

2011-05-22T14:06:00.001-04:00

we find rest in those we love, and provide a resting place in ourselves for those who love us ~saint bernard of clairaux

this weekend has been one of great memories. but i have to say, yesterday was one of my favorite days!

it seems like it started in dreams and soft kisses.

warm embraces and pretty little secrets.

silky whispers and moments of bliss.

it ended much the same.

the day was spent with the truest of friends and the wonder and innocence of children.

my heart is so full.

love in any form is amazing!

one

2011-05-19T21:20:00.004-04:00

the one...

the be all, end all of your very existence; that which we spend our whole lives looking for; the missing half of our souls.

what makes somebody THE ONE??

the way i see it, somebody can't be your ONE if you're not their ONE, right?

but how do you know? is it timing? is it a notion that just hits you one day?

what if you never find that person? does it mean they still exist? or what if you've found them, but neither of you ever realize it? what then?

*sigh*

perhaps we'll never know...

destinations

2011-05-18T19:21:00.004-04:00

it's no easy wanting something so badly and knowing that it's at your fingertips, but you can never have it.

so i stayed home today and slept most of it away. i've been under the weather. mostly body aches and scratchy throat :( so i've totally gone the cold meds route. which leads me to this...

i think when on cold meds i should not be cooking, because me and sharp objects or hot stoves is probably a bad idea. but apparently, when it comes to blogging on cold meds i say "why the h* not?!" i guess i'm just nuts like that or i just don't know what's good for me.

anywho, i've had a lot swirling around in my noggin lately.

with the end of the school year there are many decisions to be made. one big one is whether or not i will have the kidlets transferred to a different school. the slightly overwhelming one for me is whether or not i will go back to school this fall.

i've done much considering and finally had a huge sit down with my mom while she was visiting this last weekend. the verdict is that i want to go to school pretty badly. without finishing some sort of degree, i have pretty much reached my earning potential in this area unless i go into sales. and i cringe at the thought of going into sales.

there are all of these things that i want and all of these goals that i've set aside for so long. now, they have finally reached full circle in my life. my goals match up with what i want for my children and for our future.

the question now is, what's next? what do i change? and which direction do i go in?

and finally, what will i miss?

there is more than one way to get to ones destination...

the fact of it

2011-04-26T21:14:00.003-04:00

if you came to me and told me "though our time is fleeting, i want to be with you."

i would give you all that i am and all that is in me.

i would be what you need.

i would love you 'til your last breath.

this positive feeling

2011-04-16T18:39:00.008-04:00

the course of true love never did run smooth ~ william shakespeare

i had every intention of making this post into a 'so random', but then started my media player and decided against it.

things have been rough the last few months, but i truly feel like they are starting to get better. this positive feeling is due to a lot of things.

i started a new job last week. i don't know if i had realized that i had even applied for it. i got called on monday to interview tuesday and was offered the job within the first 10min of the interview. it was crazy. they told me that i had all of the qualifications that they had been looking for. i filled out paper work that wednesday and started training that thursday. that's it. and i totally love my job and the people that i work with!

in other news: i finally got my car back today after having to have extensive work done to it. it turns out that someone had been siphoning gas out of my gas tank and had messed up the fuel pump. and that was just a week after getting it back from having the power steering pump and a bunch of other stuff replaced.

in other other news: my mom is coming to visit next month for like a week. i'm so excited about that. i haven't seen her since she was here last summer.

i've been incredibly home sick and have actually considered moving back home to california. i don't really know why now, but it's something that her and i are going to discuss when she's here.

the best part: my time with fr has become more consistent and meaningful lately. this makes me happy. i love it when we get to just talk and carry on about life.

oh, how that man makes me laugh... he's nothing less than amazing!

*dreamy grin* i love it when he sings to me and sways with me :)

interesting

2011-04-03T18:29:00.005-04:00

the quote of the weekend: i'm gonna go. give me a high five or you can lick me here. *lifts up shirt*

i've been giggling about it all day!

life is interesting sometimes.

(to clarify: that was said to me, not by me... hehe...)

why don't i blog more?

2011-03-28T19:36:00.002-04:00

i was texting with co today and you know what she said? "i blogged today :) why aren't you???" and ya know, i didn't really have a good answer for that. she got the standard answer of "well, it's been hit and miss since last summer"

i got to thinking about it, why don't i blog more? idk *shrugs* i guess part of it is not knowing what to say. things get so jumbled in my head sometimes that they don't come out the way that i intend them to. i know another part of it, is that on some level i've become more of a private person. it's hard to know who to trust and who will take the things that i say and twist them. also, i'm not a fan of people who talk about me behind my back while lying to my face. yes, my lovelies, these kinds of people exist in my life. shocking, right?!

i have no patience for THOSE type of people, they make me twitchy. and 'twitchy me' isn't nice. i can't say that i have that much of a temper. but once the kettle boils over, you better watch out.

so i guess that's why.

anywho, i've been having a string of weird, but mostly wonderful weekends. so that's a huge plus! i've had a lot of great times with wonderful friends. and while sometimes i think they're evil for MAKING me get outta the house, i love them dearly for it. the life of a hermit, while appealing, is not exactly healthy for me.

in other news: late night texts, phone calls and visits are in full effect! as well as the daytime version of the same :) it was nice being the one without the drama this weekend!

that's it

2011-03-16T22:09:00.004-04:00

the love comes whether you like it or not. this, i've decided.

lifelines

2011-03-10T09:17:00.003-05:00

when you think your world is falling down around you, that's when your lifelines come to pick your spirit up. this is why i love my wonderful friends. they give me strength when i have none left.

text messages, a phone call and a surprise visit have made my week a lot brighter than it was. i'm a lucky girl to have people who truly care about me in my life!

flashbacks

2011-03-09T12:26:00.003-05:00

bad day. really, really bad day.

overwhelmed is not a good look for me. i'm not really sure what triggered it. it could be the majorly disjointed sleep or the rain. it could be any number of things that are pressing in on my little bubble.

i've been having these 'memories' for the last few days. they're like lost dreams on the tip of your consciousness. i've been trying to figure out what they were. it finally hit me today. i'm having flashbacks, flashbacks of the bad stuff. and now i can't stop crying.

i'm not what people think i am.

yes, i am a girl with a smile and a hug for everyone. and yes, i love unconditionally. i am strong and i am capable. but i am also alone.

i am always fun to be around and i always try to be there for friends and family in their time of need. but at the end of the night or even before it starts, all i want is to be snuggled up on the couch or in my bed. i don't want to be around all of those people. on some level it freaks me out.

i guess a lot of it comes down to fear. i'm afraid of so much. i do everything that i can to protect those that are close to me, esp the kidlets. but who does that for me?

the only person that has offered me any kind of real tenderness, as in a shoulder or a hug, as of late has decided to be MIA since saturday night for some reason unknown to me.

maybe that's my fault.

i hate this. i hate feeling like this. i thought i was doing so well and finally getting back to being ME. now, i don't know. i hope that this rolls out with the tide.

like a pendulum

2011-03-07T23:30:00.004-05:00

"she deserves the 3 'R's. the river, the revolver or the roof. that's what the mob lived by. seems to work for them." ~something mg said in a text today. ha! that girl cracks me up!!

life swings like a pendulum. sometimes its good and sometimes it's hard and confusing. last week, things made more sense. today? not so much. things tend to go all sideways after a bit. and, so i wait. patience is sometimes all i have.

structure

2011-02-28T19:49:00.003-05:00

*twirls in a circle* weeeeeeeeeeee!!

geeze... i don't know where to start.

it seems like there is so much going on and it's hard to keep up. but then, sometimes it seems like there is nothing going on and my mind wanders. i feel like i have no structure unless it's the weekend. the weekends have their own routine, but the rest really doesn't.

socially things are going swimmingly. it's been nice to have lunches with the girls and shopping and just general good times with good friends. i'm really starting to like this thing that my life is becoming since my horrid divorce.

i know i was going somewhere with that, but my mom just called and got me all side tracked. she does that sometimes.

we talked about life, mostly mine. also, we talked about my trip. i was planning on taking a trip to see her and the family and to hit vegas with my cousin while i was out that way.

well, after talking to my cousin, we've decided to put that on hold for a while. jobs, money and life are in the way right now. it's just not a good time to take a trip for either of us. and really, i'm not upset about it. there will be plenty of other chances to go another time.

plus, there are heart shaped things that i'm not willing to leave behind right now.

in other news: i'm taking better care of myself. i'm eating better and exercising more. the nice weather we've been having isn't hurting either. i am so happy to be able to go to my regular walking track.

in other other news: it's monday and i'm not on the verge of tears! yay!! monday hates me and usually makes it known. maybe we make this a trend? i think it def helps that i have things to look forward to this week :)

here's something kinda sexy, the color of day by remy shand. i hope you all have a stellar week!!

calmly and rationally

2011-02-17T22:25:00.003-05:00

i love and am loved. <----- that is an awesome feeling!!

sometimes it's complicated. some people just don't get it. well, ya know what? i don't expect them to. nothing i do is ever easy. that's just the way it is.

i'm a grown up. as much as i don't want to be, it's true. i am a mother and have normal responsibilities. i pay my own bills and make my own decisions. i think that that entitles me the ability to define my relationships however i like. don't you?

*steps down from soap box*

*deep breath*

ahh... i feel much better now.

so how is everybody? i know this whole hit and miss thing that i've been doing lately is becoming the norm. i'm not sure if i'm ok with that. i miss blogging. i swear i've been meaning to get these posts out, but there are just so many things that have been going on.

things have a tendency to turn all pear shaped all of a sudden and i can't tell you which end is up. i have much confusion these days. not so much because of my own emotions, but because of how what others do can have such a profound effect on them.

i'm trying to work through everything calmly and rationally. ha! have you known me to be calm OR rational?! i know, i know... but i'm trying!

in other news: the snow is gone! did you hear me?!

the. snow. IS. GONE!!!

it's actually been in the 50s and 60s this week. i am almost too happy for words to wear my flip flops outside!

i hope you all have loverly weekend!! ...i know i'm hoping to :)

la la land

2011-02-02T08:47:00.002-05:00

ok, so... i swear i'm not trying to be a hermit... well, maybe i am, but not on purpose. i've had several people message or call me to make sure that i'm still alive. love you guys for checking on me!

i'm here! i just get busy or am off in la la land or some combination of the 2. also, you can almost always find me on the twitter. that's about the only thing i really keep up with lately.

apparently, i can't focus to save my life today! i had a ton of stuff to write about and then i got distracted and it all flew away...

i love the way my brain works! ...sometimes.

well, here's something fun to listen to today mouth by bush... mostly because it's um.. hot! enjoy!

so random: lellow jewwy beans

2011-01-20T23:07:00.005-05:00

with a twinkle in her eye "mommy! i have a lellow jewwy bean in my mouf right now!" <--- the girl said this while her and the boy were eating frozen yogurt today at froyoz. she was so excited and matter of fact about it. it was hilarious! totally made me giggle.

random fact #1: i went to a ladies luncheon today with sg. it was one of those lunches where the host is trying to get you to buy into whatever they're selling. it was interesting. the product was this anti-aging stuff that's made by the same people who make pro active.

since when did i get old enough to think about anti-aging products? and who the h* let this happen?!

last i check, i don't even turn 30 until NEXT october... *sigh*

random fact #2: i look like i have old lady hands. this cold weather wreaks havoc on my skin moisture-wise, so in the wrong light my hands look way older than they are. i'm def gonna have to work on this!

random fact #3: the boy got 9 'As' and 2 'Bs' on his report card this time around. i'm so proud of him! he had a tough time keeping up last year, but he's really stepped his game up this year and it shows.

as a reward i bought him a book that he's been wanting and took him to a movie. he and i don't get much time together without the girl, so he loved it.

random fact #4: i cut my hair back in october. i know, old news... but i've had major anxiety over it ever since. it really was like cutting off a limb or something like that. to give you an idea of what i'm talking about, it was almost down to my waste and now (months later) it hits about an inch or so past my collar bone.

random fact #5: have i mentioned that i hate the snow? 'cause i do. with the fore of a thousand suns. i'm so over the idea, concept and manifestation of the winter.

random fact #6: i'm finally getting more sleep. i'm not really sure what's changed other than things are kinda settling down a bit. i keep waiting for the anxiety to attack, but it doesn't attack as often. i'm sure that has a lot to do with the sleeping.

welp, i think that's all for now.

perhaps soon, i'll get back to a better posting schedule. i see this as a start :)

hope you all have a lovely weekend!!

hugs to you and big wet kisses!

wild animals

2011-01-12T22:29:00.005-05:00

hey, hey!

hi! how are ya?

*high fives the guy over there*

yeah! so hey, thanks for coming!!

ha! i think i'm losing it?! like for real... *crosses and uncrosses eyes*

so the snow... *deep breathe* we have been snowed in off and on for the last 3 days. it's not been blizzard conditions or anything like that. it's just not been safe to drive in all this crap.

the schools have been closed and they open an hour late tomorrow. i hate to say it, but i'll be glad to get back to work and whatnot.

there is just something about not being able to get out of the house that makes children turn into wild animals. the stircrazy has taken over. and MY wild animals have just about made me pull my hair out.

like this, but with snow...

have i told you how much i hate the snow?! as far as i'm concerned this snow can take a freakin hike!!

i'm working on it

2011-01-05T12:56:00.000-05:00

being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. ~lao tzu

this quote apparently has been all over twitter and of course ended up on my facebook page...

i'm up way past my bedtime, but i'm watching my beautiful little girl sleep.

anywho, i was reading through these posts from when i took my little break.(i have 8 of them, by the way) one day when the dust has settled and cleared, i will post them. in these posts i talk about things that have happened that have had such an effect on me that they've in part changed the way that i think about life.

i was happy before. i mean, i've always been happy fundamentally, but i was really loving life. i want to get back to that. i'm working on it.

in other news: i had an amazing new years! this was the first time in 10yrs that i got to dress up and got to go out on the town. it was nice to put on a party dress and see what all the excitement was about.

in other other news: text messages and late night conversations happened...

remember that thing i said was over? well, it's kinda not. then again, it might be... idk. *sigh* there is much conversation that still needs to happen, but i know that i'm just not ready to close the door yet.

the rear view

2011-01-02T22:13:00.004-05:00

i keep reading all of these recaps and resolutions and whatnot about this last year and the year to come and it got me thinking...

for me, 2010 was a year of extremes. it was the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. there has been love, passion, hope, sadness, loss, grief and so much more in between. my hope for me and for you is that this coming year will be filled with less extremes and more happiness.

i know we could all use some happiness.

about a girl

2010-12-21T22:52:00.004-05:00

so let me tell you a story about a girl...

something bad happened to her. she met a guy that she thought was ok. they hung out. he met some of her friends, they thought he was a nice guy.

she went to his house to watch movies late one night. she dosed off...

she woke up in pain, with his hand around her throat. she told him to stop, but he wouldn't.

finally, he got up to go to the bathroom.

she left before he came back.

here

2010-12-07T23:42:00.003-05:00

so here i sit, in my bed... alone.

i've had a long day. work was crazy and i'm having sinus issues. not just 'stuffed up and can't breathe' issues, i have physical pain and 'my face is on fire' issues.

i finally cried today.

but now it's over

2010-11-30T01:51:00.005-05:00

do you ever get sad for the things that you're missing based on the choices you've made?

so here's the thing...
i had another one of my awesome meltdowns this weekend. ya see, i've been kinda teetering on the edge of this one for a while. i've gone through these last few months the best way that i could. this back and forth thing with fr, starting a new job and there's the holidays.

all of these things live in little compartments in my head. i think they call it compartmentalizing. well, i've been compartmentalizing things for a long time. and i think i officially ran out of compartments.
i knew that i had to stop living my life like this a long time ago, but it wasn't that easy. i had meant to change things when i got back from vegas. i'd meant to stop seeing fr all together, but he made it harder than it needed to be.
over time we grew closer and then there was all this drama that he had going on. and i was given a lot of information very quickly. i see now that i probably should have bolted then. instead i accepted everything that he told me. everything.
what is truth and what is lies, i'll never really know. i could find out. h*, you can find anything out on the trusty interwebz these days.

there are so many things that i had to keep to myself. remember all those secrety secrets? well, i'm done keeping them. i can't do it anymore. i have too much on me and too much in my head not to write.

what is so sad is that i truly cared about this person. THIS was epic. it was the closest i've ever come to happiness in my life. it was so close and yet so far. it seems to have been an illusion now.

i'll always love him and care deeply for him, but now it's over.

kinda pathetic...

2010-11-24T15:09:00.008-05:00

i'm still here... kinda... *sigh*

i finally took a full day off of work last weekend and had a few minutes to prowl around and comment on a few blogs. woohoo! it was the highlight of my weekend...

wow! when i actually see those words, i realize how pathetic my life has become as of late. *sad face*

i'm trying my d*edest to keep it together. with all this anxiety, i'm actually surprised that i haven't have a major freak out yet.

on the upside i get to eat stuff like this, so yay for that!

this is the elk... it's beautiful, yes?

i know that i'm still off in la la land, but at least for now i'm eating well.

in other news: tomorrow is thanksgiving. i will be avoiding the phone. i hate to, but i don't like crying on holidays. and since i'm THIS homesick this year, it's just best that i not talk to any of my family until it's all over with.

hugs to you! i'm thankful for you all <3

happy thanksgiving!!

shorty #2

2010-11-07T13:12:00.004-05:00

one of my girls posted this on her facebook page and it made me giggle...

1) go to google maps 2) click on "get directions" 3) type japan as the start location 4) type china as the end location 5) go to direction #43 6) laugh

happy sunday! hope it's a great week to come!

where did the time go?

2010-11-03T04:03:00.003-04:00

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer...

ha! sometimes i feel like i'm running around with a sledgehammer in my hand. other times i feel like i'm not getting anything done.
time is getting away from me. i've been so crazy busy lately with this new job, that it seems like the last 3 or 4 weeks have run into each other. i'm not sure how i feel about that right now.

i do know that i'm missing things. i haven't had time for anything other than work and my few hours here and there with the kidlets. *sigh*

shorty

2010-10-16T17:59:00.004-04:00

go to Google and type "who's the cutest?" into the search box then hit I'm feeling lucky...you're welcome! ♥

checking in

2010-10-07T19:40:00.004-04:00

ok, ok! it's killing me! this not blogging thing is killing a little... so i'm checking in.

*waves* hi!

i have been writing some, but mostly stuff that i'll have to wait to post. it's not really secrety secrets... well, not MY secrety secrets. there are just things i'm not ready to say. *sigh*

i'm starting to feel better mentally, just in a weird disconnected sort of way. it's a start though, so i'll take it. of course my health is a whole other story. ugh! i have these headaches like you wouldn't believe and the insomnia is not getting any better. it just seems that i'm less productive while awake in the wee hours.
this week, my kidneys have decided to flip me the bird. so cross your fingers that i'm not allergic to THIS round of antibiotics, 'cause i like breathing.

oh! and i'm still in love, so there's that...

*bites lower lip*
i might start posting again here and there. i might.

love you all bunches and miss you more!!

big wet kisses!!!

a little break

2010-09-02T13:22:00.008-04:00

*waves* hi!

so, here's the thing...

i have a whole lot going on all up in this area *points to head*

so i'm kinda taking a little break from blogging for a while. i promise i'll post again soon, but i just can't concentrate long enough to write more than a few lines at a time.

thanks for sticking with me!

hugs and big wet kisses :)

p.s. i'm still reading a commenting on other blogs, but mostly lurking... ( i know, i know... i just admitted to being a lurker, but you still love me, right?)

talking to the moon

2010-08-28T12:40:00.002-04:00

hey kids, sorry to leave you hanging all week...

it's been a really rough week. lots of tears and late nights. maybe i'll be able to tell you about it one day.

i leave you with something sad and pretty...

monday minute: a need for speed

2010-08-23T10:47:00.005-04:00

umm... today, i got nothing...

i had an eventful weekend, but we'll get to that later. i still have some more info to collect.
so today is the monday minute. and we have new hosts. exciting!

here it is...

favorite 80s flick?
16 candles was def one of my faves, but princess bride is my A#1. i'm such a geek, that still quote it.

one genre of music needs to be banned. which genre?
i'm a big fan of pretty much everything, but maybe screamo... i don't really dig on all the anger involved with it.

all time favorite candy?
def dark chocolate raspberry creams from see's candies. they're so awesome! and since they're only made in california, my mom sends me a box of them for holidays and special occasions.
*sigh*
she loves me...

how 'flawed' is your driving record?
me, it's not too bad. mostly just sprinkled with speeding ticket... mama's got a need for speed!!

what was your high school mascot?
lions! i was a cheerleader, so i still chant L-I-O-N-S in my sleep sometimes. i know! i'm a lil nutty.

and finally...

what color socks are you wearing?
umm... yeah... that... i work in an office, so no socks. it's black patent leather heels today :)

hope you all have a great week!!

thank you to our hosts heather and melissa!

no one is watching

2010-08-19T22:22:00.006-04:00

it's been a long day.

it's late.
i've had a glass of wine.
music is playing.
the wine warms me.
i take my hair down.
i like the way it feels on my skin.

i touch your face.
i kiss your lips.
you taste like strawberries.
you smile.
i bite your lip.

soft skin.
pulling hair.
little nibbles.
twisted sheets.
deep breath.

sigh.

lovesong

2010-08-16T14:28:00.006-04:00

begin at the beginning and go till the end, then stop ~alice in wonderland

i had this whole post ready to publish that was about secrets and love, but i think i will save it for another day. today i am going to tell you about my weekend, like i used to.

friday was super fun! fr's show was canceled because of a scheduling mix up, so some of us got together and saw another cover band in the next town over.

late night + alcohol + awesome friends = great times!!

saturday was when things just kept getting better. the kidlets and i made a super yummy breakfast of ham and cheese omelets and biscuits and gravy. i love it when we have quiet mornings at home! we had a great afternoon at a friend's son's birthday/pool party.

saturday night i drove to bristol to see fr's band play. i love out of town gigs with them! they kicked a*!! they had new songs, including this one by the cure that i just adore!

and you know the best times are at the band house :)

my night and morning and day were wonderful and beautiful and sad. (we'll save the sad for later though) fr is amazing! just amazing...
once we were together, we occupied the same space as if that was the norm. it was US. if it hadn't been for certain things that i'll address later i would have been glowing like i was radioactive all the way home.

friday the 13th!

2010-08-13T15:18:00.004-04:00

AAAAAAHHHH!!! it's freaky friday the 13th!!

don't get scared!

i'm not really superstitious... i just think it's funny what people put into days like this.

*sigh*

ok! i'm done... for now.

it's been a long week. hope you all have a fabulous weekend!!

now, can somebody please pour me something??

also, here's my fun song for the week... cherry lips by garbage!

monday minute: crying would take too long

2010-08-09T16:10:00.004-04:00

lest i procrastinate any longer, here is the monday minute...

what was your "oh no, i'm turning into my mom/dad" moment?
i think that was the first time i answered a question with the phrase "because i said so"

what current commercial do you find the most annoying/funny?
ha! the new taco bell commercials are hilarious! "i am de lime..."

it you could only eat one color food for the rest of your life what would that be?
i think brown would work for me. i'm big into protein, beans and meat are brown and so is a&w root beer(my weakness)

what is your current facebook/myspace/twitter status?
facebook/myspace : is restringing her air guitar...
twitter: quote of the day: today is one of those days where i have to laugh... crying would take too long.

f, marry, kill from the list below. women pick from the men, men pick from the women.

snookie(from jersey shore), ellen degeneres, betty white
regis philbin, justin bieber, perez hilton

hmm... f perez hilton, because he's probably never been with a real woman. marry regis philbin, because duh! he probably spoils his wife. he just seems to have that kind of a personality. and lastly, kill justin bieber, because he's young enough that someday the girl could end up with a crush on him and we just can't have that! i know she's only 4yrs old, but she's already been informed that she can't date until she's married *wink*

so there it is...

thanks to our host ian at the daily dose of reality! hope you all have a great week! it can only get better from here... i hope!

the secret keeper

2010-08-09T08:50:00.004-04:00

so... yeah... remember how i said that my brain was on hiatus?? well, she still kinda is.

there is all this stuff swirling around me that i can't write about. well, really i could write about it, but not here. i have recently become THE secret keeper for several of my friends. it used to be that they would come to me with little white lies or needing relationship advice or asking my honest opinion about a specific subject.

now, it's more serious than that. some of these secrets are sad and painful and are about fears and sickness. the thing about me is that i am empathic. i feel your sorrow and pain. i worry when you worry and i worry about you when i know something is wrong.

over the years i have tried to disconnect from that, but lately i feel like i'm open, like a wound that won't heal. i'm just wide open to this pain, like there is this huge crack in the wall that took me so long to build. i've been standing at this threshold for a long time. i've been looking at it and looking at it. if i flinch then i'm on the other side.

i flinched!

i'm there now(the physical toll is already apparent). i think i have been for the last month or so. i see myself grabbing for anything that i can get my hands on to pull myself back to the other side and back to sanity.

it's getting harder to hide it.

on hiatus

2010-08-05T10:33:00.004-04:00

*sigh*

so my brain, she is on hiatus this week. i'm not sure when she'll be coming back. i'm not really sure why either. stress, hormones, the need to be introverted or some other random thing i'm just not thinking about. of course, thinking about any one thing for very long is just too hard for me today. plus, it adds to this wicked headache i've been having for the last 3 days.

i'm sure i'll have more to say later, but the whole thinking thing it not working right now. *rubs temples*

monday minute: aspirations

2010-08-02T11:32:00.004-04:00

so... yeah... the force is not with me today... i'm exhausted. i thought i was being all sneaky and catching up on my sleep this weekend, but insomnia caught up with me last night. i hate her! she outstays her welcome EVERY time she comes around... ugh! oh well, maybe i'll get the best of her next time.

so here's the monday minute. crossing my fingers that it makes sense.

describe your life in one word.
complicated

is there something you wish you had learned how to do as a child?
yes, i wish i'd learned how to play the piano. as you know, i'm in love with music. i wish i could do more than just sing.

who has been the biggest influence on your life?
looking back, it was probably the collective of women in my life that have influenced me the most. they've helped me see how it is to be soft and strong and breezy and smart all at the same time.

what is your greatest dream/hope/aspiration?
i can't really say what that is at this point in my life. my hopes and dreams keep changing and growing.

and finally...

do you believe you have reached your potential? why/why not?
no, not at all. i'm def a work in progress. i'm learning and growing every day. that's not going to change anytime soon.

thanks to our host ian over at the daily dose of reality!

now go out there and have a great week!!

p.s. if you run into that b*tch insomnia, would you give her a quick elbow to the sternum? kthanxbai :)

secrets

2010-07-28T21:36:00.004-04:00

secrets, secrets, secrets... blah!

at what point does someone else's secret become yours? at what point do you say "look, i can't do this all by myself"? the worry, the frustration, the pressure to act like everything is fine...

this sh*t is hard!

everything is not fine! i am NOT ok! i am worried sick and stressed to the max. the person that i am wants to make it better or at least easier.

*sigh*

three little words

2010-07-26T22:20:00.001-04:00

I LOVE YOU

those three little words can make you fly like a butterfly or they can make your world come crashing down around you. sometimes they can do both at the same time. we long to hear them spoken sincerely. and yet are so terrified of what they could mean and what they could change.

i hear you say them and i wake up and my consciousness tingles with excitement. you, who tried to push me away, tear down every wall i've built.

monday minute: what if...

2010-07-26T13:50:00.000-04:00

so i'm kinda liking this monday minute business. it's giving me a chance to address different things that i would probably never think to mention. here it is again...

1.who is your "what-if" person?
(What-if person being what if I married this person or am now in a relationship with "this" person)
what if, what if, what if... i guess i can't really choose a specific person. i've had a few relationships that i could say "what if i was still with so-and-so?" but looking back at my life i think more along the lines of "what if i didn't continue that relationship?"

2. what is your nickname?
hmm... other than people calling me babe or mama, i hear 'mommy' all the time. some days i love to hear it and other days i want to change my name. but i think every mom goes through that sooner or later.

3. if you could choose how you would died, how would you like to die?
warm in my bed when i'm old a gray. after i've lived my life and told my stories.

4. if you could have named yourself, which name would you have picked?
probably catherine or samantha, i always liked those names, and everyone always spells mine wrong.

5. who were you named after or for what reason did your parents choose your name?
i wasn't named after anyone, but i was almost named after both of my grandmothers. so my name would have been sarah tiffany. i know tiffany isn't a traditional name, really, but my grandmother's name on my dad's side is epiphania(tiffany in english).

for a monday 'minute', this sure took me a lot longer than a minute to answer today... geeze... where's my focus?! has anybody seen it??

thanks to our host ian at the daily dose of reality!

even in pictures, apparently

2010-07-22T09:51:00.005-04:00

huh... well, i had a whole post formulating in my head this morning, but then i read this and then pretty much LOST IT... like full on panic attack/i think i'm gonna puke... LOST IT!

i have a completely irrational fear of snakes. completely. irrational. fear. so in my neuroses, just the sight (even in pictures, apparently) sends me over the edge and my whole body rebels on me. why? idk... i have no f*ing clue why something like a simple picture can have such a profound effect on me.

crazy much?! why, yes and thank you for noticing... ugh!

so now i've snarfed down cookies and donut holes thinking that it would settle my stomach and... yeah... now i'm gonna feel like puking for the rest of the day. yay me!

now, don't get me wrong... i [heart] A Vapid Blonde! she makes me giggle, often. so if you get a chance to drop in, tell her cali sent you and blow her some big wet kisses from me k :)

*DEEP BREATHE*

shew! i think i feel better now... though still a little light headed...

monday minute: still anonymous

2010-07-19T08:58:00.004-04:00

ok, so i decided i'd try something new... mostly because it's NEW, and who doesn't love new stuff?! and also, because the button has yoda on it, so have i must!

what's your real name? sorry cats and dolls, as this is an anonymous blog, that would kinda defeat the purpose, ya know. BUT you can call me cali :)

have you ever fabricated a story or anything on your blog? nope, that's just not my style. everything you read here is real.

when in the car do you listen to the radio/CDs/ipod etc? it depends on what cds are accessible and if i can find anything GOOD on the radio.

describe the 'sexist' item of clothing you own. hmm... that's a good one. i'd have to say this chinese dress that my mom(of all people) bought me. it's silk brocade with a mandarin collar and it goes down to my ankles, but the slit up the side goes almost up to my hip. ooh la la!

would you be willing to breastfeed your friend's three year old child? ha! NO... for a few reasons. a) hello! it's not my kid. b) 3year olds have teeth and c) by age 1 children should be drinking from cups and eating real food.

thanks to our lovely co-host michelle! you can find her at mommy loves stilettos.

so random: frustration

2010-07-16T11:44:00.007-04:00

ok... there has been way too much crap this week. when i say crap i don't mean 'stuff', i mean 'dookie'. and so, i am beyond frustrated with pretty much everything right now...

random fact #1: i had a really good talk last weekend and was pretty much glowing from it. now i know more and understand more. this is good and it's bad. the frustrating part is the non-communication since then. *sigh* all in time i guess...

also, this is why my facebook status says: sometimes in life, you can't say some things out loud... SEND HINTS!!

random fact #2: my son's dad got back from iraq last weekend. so the boy has been with him since monday afternoon. i've been pretty angry with him for not making any kind of effort to contact the boy while away. i'm really hoping that he makes it up to him now that he's back.

random fact #3: i had a fender bender on wed morning on the way to work. it wasn't my fault, but the cop was still a total d* about it. i guess i have a negative effect on female cops... ugh!

random fact #4: it's getting to be high time that i start making some more decisions in my life. grrr... but i don't want to be a responsible adult right now. i know! waaaahhh...

random fact #5: apparently, i'm getting really good at making hot chocolate come out of my nose. thought you should know, it kinda hurts.

anywho, hope you all have a great weekend! at this point, anything is an improvement on this craptastic week...

the rock

2010-07-09T08:21:00.004-04:00

hello my lovelies!

so sorry for getting all emo on you there. when bad s* happens i have a tendency to sink into the 'lost little girl' part of my psyche. so i lost it for a minute.
thanks for sticking with me. if i could hug you all, then i would squeeze you tight and give you a big wet kiss on the cheek.
i [heart] you bunches!

it took me a second to realize what i was doing. this is not about me. it's about some one i love. so now i'm putting on my big girl panties and dealing with it the best i can. i'm not going to tell you that i'm ok, because that would be lying, but i will be. promise.

now is the time for me to be the rock. i am strong and i love unconditionally. period.

losing

2010-07-07T11:15:00.006-04:00

everybody needs a bright spot in all this dark, and when the light gets dim is when it's time to focus ♥

*sigh*

i'm hanging over a cliff by nothing but my fingernails and even they are starting to crack and slip. i am weak. there is a crack down the middle.

i know you can't, but i wish you could come sit with me. kiss me on the forehead. whisper in my ear. tell me everything is ok. hold me til the sun comes up.

juicy

2010-07-02T11:20:00.000-04:00

a bird does not sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song ~lou holtz

are you singing on this lovely friday? 'cause i am!

geeze... where has this week gone?!

my mom arrived from california on wednesday night, so it's been a little crazy around here...
this weekend is gonna be a busy one for sure! cross your fingers that i don't pull all my hair out in the process.

so, i leave you with this!

hope you have a juicy 4th of july weekend!!

butterfly

2010-06-29T15:28:00.001-04:00

listen to this!

butterfly by jason mraz

ok, now tell me that if someone sang that to you and only you when no one else is around, you wouldn't just melt right there in your seat! i tell you what... i almost did.

so much for putting distance between my heart and my head...
i tried! i really did!

this weekend was no less than AMAZING!

i love being spontaneous! and the 2 1/2 hour drive to an out of town gig, in georgia, was well worth it! ha! the things we do for love...

it's funny how the smallest things can tip the scales of our resolve. i thought that stepping back was the right thing to do, but now i feel like i'm being pulled in even more. i wanted to protect my heart, but it's just too late for that now. whatever happens i'll deal with, but with more faith in love.
i'm not going to say that i'm not absolutely terrified. but who's not afraid of losing their heart? who's not afraid of losing a part of themselves? i still need to work on the communication part of things, but i think i'm getting better at it. i think.

the hardest thing now, is the waiting. the proverbial 'detox' really sucks a* right now!! because the closer i seem to get to what i want, the more i want it... it's the uncertainty and 'in between' that is so hard to deal with sometimes.

i AM somebody

2010-06-25T13:45:00.003-04:00

omg! omg! omg!! this is so f*ing cool!! guess what?! i got an award!!

yes! me! an award!

see?!

is that not the coolest sh*t EVER?! well, it is to me anyway...

i know, i know... shut up, right?! it's just the first time i've ever gotten one, so yay me!!

it's so cool that it even comes with rules and sh*t...

los rules are: (using wicked shawn's rules, 'cause i'm one of the cool kids...)

thank the person who gave you the award

list 7 things about yourself your readers do not know

award 5 bloggers you've recently discovered

so, to start... a toast to wicked shawn for this awesome honor:
quoting my fav local cover band *ahem*
"raise your bottles, raise your glasses, raise your girlfriends shirt and say 'i AM somebody', now you know you are!"

...finish what you got and ask the bartender for another!

7 things you never knew

1. i have piercings and tattoos. they're not like crazy wow kind of stuff, but i like them. my tongue and bellybutton are pierced. and i have an angel and a ladybug on my back. one of these days if i get brave enough, i might post pics of them for you.

2. i go to church almost every sunday. it helps me stay... umm... sane. i know it sounds like a bit of a contradiction, considering the amount of late night alcohol consumption i partake in. but life is easier when you find out that there are so many people around you going through the same kinds of stuff you are and that you're not alone in your fight. also, i've been a helper this week in the 3yr olds' class for VBS(vacation bible school)

3. i talk in my sleep. i don't know why, but the kidlets do it too. it freaks overnight guests out. i know! fun, right?!

4. unless you've been following me from the beginning, which means you read the first incarnation of this blog, then you probably don't know that the girl's dad a.k.a. bh (bipolar [ex]husband) actually tried to kill me. it wasn't pretty. so, when i say i'm happily divorced, it's because i'm alive and away from him.

5. i sing... a lot, esp to the kidlets. they love it when i sing to them in the car or when we sing along to whatever is playing on the radio. ha! the girl actually sings along with papa roach... 'cause that's how we roll!

6. i get excited about mundane things, like new sheets and fridays and 'i love you' text messages. i'm such a sucker for that kind of stuff!

7. i decided not to go to ireland next week. i know that sounds crazy, because the plane ticket has already been purchased. but there are so many things going on behind the scenes. i still want to go, but now is not the right time.

on to the 5 bloggers

melissa, because she is amazing and has become a close friend. she was one of my very first followers and i love her for it! <3

krysta, she is seriously hilarious. and she does it all while raising her 4 sous chefs (that's right, i said 4!)

saint tigerlily, her adventures in nyc with the boss and teeny make me smile and sometimes belly laugh. also, hungry :)

ryan, i am inspired by a lot his posts. they speak to my soul.

andrea, her strength and wisdom through adversity is just incredible to me.

alright! now, go out and share the love!! love you all and hope you have a rockin' weekend!!! ♥

radio silence

2010-06-21T11:10:00.004-04:00

sorry for the radio silence kids... i thought my sinuses were acting up, but it's now looking a lot more like i have a summer cold. ugh!
i am incredibly miserable right now, since i can't breathe(i like breathing). and can't focus to save my life, because of the meds and inhalers. stupid body!

hope you're all having a better week than mine! <3

the chain

2010-06-15T15:43:00.010-04:00

image courtesy of a good friend♥ and talented artist. you can find him here.

the sky looks pissed
the wind talks back
my bones are shifting in my skin
and you, my love are gone

my room seems wrong
the bed won't fit
i cannot seem to operate
and you, my love are gone

i'll never say
i'll never love
but i don't say a lot of things
and you, my love are gone

so glide away on soapy heels
and promise not to promise anymore
and if you come around again
then i will take the chain from off the door

*sigh*

so here i am. just me, here. i have a jumble of things in my head...

i am trying to disconnect, to get back to me for a while. i'm consciously disconnecting from people and things to try and protect myself. because in the end, i'm the only one that knows what i need.
i'm putting distance between my heart and my head. the right thing to do for now is step back from people and situations that i'm too involved in.

a person that i care about has some things going on, that i can't help with. i don't want to be in the way. so for now, i will step away and give them the space that they need in order to get the situation settled. i will continue along my path and hope that they catch up when they're ready, like they have in the past.

opening up

2010-06-11T08:20:00.000-04:00

how do you say to someone "hey you! i have things i want to say to you and things i want to ask you. i have things i want to talk to you about. i have things i want you to know. but when we're in the moment and just being us, the honest us, i forget what i was going to say. you amaze me to a point that i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm just there. with you."

*sigh*

upside-down and backwards

2010-06-09T13:34:00.005-04:00

dude! seriously!! i think i'm losing it... or maybe i just have medicine head kinda, a little bit, maybe... stupid sinus meds!

*sigh*

things are weird right now.

like... there's... there's... ugh! (deep breath)

there's STUFF going on. i know, i know, i'm so freaking descriptive! i'd be all about letting the awesomeness shine through, if i knew where to start. *sigh*
my head is so upside-down and backwards that i can't even seem to figure out a status thingy to post on facebook. yeah... i'm cool...

i'm happy, i'm confused, i'm frustrated, i'm worried and all kinds of other stuff allatthesametime.
geeze! i wish i could read people's minds sometimes... or maybe if i could just learn to communicate a little bit better.

ok, so... we've established the fact that i'm having a hard time focusing today. i'm def a little 'goldfish-y'. i have so much in my head. this is one of those days that i wish i could dump it all out like a game of 52 pick up and sort through all the cards. which ones go on top? which ones do i discard?

ooh, ooh... i figured it out! my status shall be:
when the ones we love are in trouble, we step up and do what needs to be done to help them, no matter how it affects us... <3

well, there's one thing i figured out for the day... yay me!! on to the next 5 million things that need to be worked on. wish me luck!!

love by anonymous

2010-06-07T10:43:00.003-04:00

i have no idea where i found this, but i wanted to share...

"I love you. It's not a weight you must carry around. I love you. It's not a box that holds you in. I love you. It's not a standard you have to bear. I love you. It's not a sacrifice I make. I love you. It's not a pedestal you are frozen upon. I love you. It's not an expectation of perfection. I love you. It's not my life's whole purpose (or your's). I love you. It's not to make you change. I love you. It's not even to make you love me. I love you. It's as pure and simple as that."

wishing you all a happy and productive week!!

just SMACK!

2010-06-04T11:29:00.004-04:00

i see this as an opportunity, this life of mine...

i feel good. gah! i feel so good! i have so many things to be happy for. i have so many blessing to be thankful for. i know that i write so much about the conflicts within myself, but in reality, that's all they are conflicts WITHIN.
some things in my life i can't control. i just can't. but i know that i need to quit focusing on those things. i have a tendency toward dark moods based on what's going on around me. i don't want that. i have to stop that.

sunday morning i hit a wall, just SMACK! right into it. i came to the realization that, all these things that i get caught up in are not important. i'm not here to please anyone else but my loved ones. i want to be a blessing and never a hindrance to anyone. so what am i doing?!

i AM too nice. i know this. people tell me this all the time. i try to help people who don't want to be helped, people who want nothing more than to take advantage of my kindness, people who take and take and take and never give back. i need to work on that...

co and i have a mutual friend that we both just adore, in an 'i love my brother' kind of way. he made an observation the other day and i just have to share it because it holds a great analogy.

"so i saw something pretty cool. a bird got hurt and fell in the backyard. we have 3 bird dogs, so of course they went after it. out of nowhere, like 30 birds came flying in around the fallen bird to protect it. which gave me enough time to save it and get it out of the yard.
... must be nice to know you got friends like that!"

i just loved this so much! THIS is what i want! THIS is the kind of friend i want to be and THIS is the kind of friends i want to surround myself with... i want to go through life uplifting people and loving and sharing!

be gone black cloud!

2010-06-03T14:46:00.004-04:00

one of my girls said this when i asked her how she was doing this morning and i thought is was so funny that i had to tweet it:

"i'm plotting murder and trying to figure out how to go lesbo without having to lick anything gross."

yes, my dear friends give me much fodder.

ok, so here's the thing...

i'm seeing way too much negativity and frustration pop up in my life recently. while i know where some of it stems from, i don't know where all of it stems from. and it's making me a little bit nuts! part of it is that it doesn't really have anything to do with me, just the people around me. i'm trying not to get caught up, but people still try to involve me in things that are none of my business.

anyway, so here i am.

what it all comes down to is that i made a commitment to myself to do better and be better. i love and i want to be loved back. i want people to see that, not just through my writing or my facebook posts, but also through my words and actions.
i see some friendships take not just a negative turn, but they are starting to have a toxic effect on my most important relationships, like a black cloud hanging over me. and i just can't have it! i won't have it! i will not let other people ruin the progress that i have made in my life. period.
some people are not going to like it, but i have to do what is best for me and my sanity.

plus, there's that whole thing where i want to just be happy. there are so many things going right in my life. and i want to be able to enjoy that.

seeking clarity

2010-05-31T10:49:00.004-04:00

"well, i guess i'll have to cancel my sailboat ride to israel..." ~funny quote from a friend.
i know it's supposed to have to do with the current news, but i thought it was a funny thing to say.

today... today is monday. also, it's memorial day. i think we've already established that i hate mondays. mondays are usually when i try to get my head on straight about the weekend that i just had.

this weekend falls in the 'odd' category. *sigh* i'm kinda back to being conflicted about things. i see things. i do things. i want things.
i'm looking for something like a sign to tell me what direction to go in. i'm trying to figure out what is worth pursuing. and if it is worth pursuing, then what's the right way to do that? what path do i take?

recently i have been tested and on some level, i think i have more clarity concerning some things in my life. i know that i have lost focus for a bit. i'm trying to gain that back. i know that i am the only one that knows my wants and needs. and that i need to make them clear to all parties concerned, because how else are they going to know, unless i tell them?

anyway, happy memorial day!! don't forget to thank a vet :)

so random: fawk you friday!! 3rd ed.

2010-05-28T14:37:00.006-04:00

alright!! it fawk you friday again!!

let's get this crackin'!!

this week has been kinda rough on me as evidenced by some of my previous posts... as a result i have a tendency to analyze myself and the things and people around me. i have examined some friendships and have found them wanting.

therefore, it is time to CLEAR THE DECK!!

so, today i say...

fawk you anxiety!!
fawk you cancer!!
fawk you parasites who try to take advantage of my generosity!!
fawk you exhaustion that comes from not getting enough sleep!!
fawk you dudes that take advantage of my chicas!!
fawk you negativity that creeps in when i'm not paying enough attention!!
fawk you condescending jerks that think you can talk down to me!!

ahhh... i'm glad i got that out... now it's your turn!!

thanks to our gracious host at boobies, babies, and a blog.

so random: confessions... and other stuff

2010-05-26T09:50:00.002-04:00

short conversation between me and the boy the other day:
him: "i don't have to wear sunglasses, the sun doesn't hurt my eyes"
me: "it does mine"
him: "probly 'cause you're oooooold"
me: "oh, thanks"

*sigh* geeze... there's nothing like your 7yr old son to point out that you're getting older... say "goodbye confidence"
most days i still try and hang on to the fact that i'm still in my 20s, but having a kid that just finished 2nd grade doesn't help matters.

i always have so much going on in this head of mine, that sometimes i just need to get it all out...

random fact #1: i'm feeling very introverted and a little cranky today. i feel like i'm still trying to grab onto something to pull myself up by... it's like there is that 'thing' that is right there in front of me that i can't see and i can't quite reach. i'm working on it though.

random fact #2: sometimes i fake it... not THAT(faking THAT would be a disservice to myself, kwim?). i mean that i fake 'happy' sometimes. like right now... unless, i've talked to you personally or you've read some of my recent posts, then you wouldn't know that things aren't going super awesome in my life.
people post depressing statuses on facebook and myspace all the time, but to me that's kinda dumb. no one else REALLY cares if you're absolutely miserable or brokenhearted or depressed, only people that truly care about you do that. plus, there is that whole thing where i don't like everyone (meaning my 340something fb friends) knowing all my business, except for you guys... but even then, i don't over-share.

random fact #3: my now 4yr old daughter has taken up residence in my bed at night. this wouldn't be so much of an issue for me, if i didn't sleep with my laptop...
yes, i sleep with my laptop in the bed... *sigh*
it started out that i would just fall asleep with it on. it's gotten to a point now that i've actually made a specific music playlist to sleep to. i know! i'm addicted, but there are way worse things to be addicted to, so there's that.

random fact #4: i'm quickly going blond, not on purpose though. what i really want is blond highlights and pink panels underneath. i had them for a day, but they washed out. i'm not really sure why. it's possible that my stylist didn't let the pink process long enough, because they were supposed to be permanent.
i've decided not to go back to the dark brunette that i had in the fall and winter, but only because it messed with my confidence a little bit. the blond seems to fit my personality a lot better, or at least that's what i've been told.

random fact #5: i don't like it when chicks come-on to me. in fact, i've decided that it really weirds me out, like bad.

random fact #6: i hate confrontation. like seriously!! i'm a puss until i've been pushed to my breaking point. i've been told so many times that i'm just too nice. i guess it's because i try to have patience with people, because you never know what they are really going though or what they may be struggling with.

i think that's all for now, but maybe more later...

in the middle

2010-05-24T11:15:00.004-04:00

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. everything, everything will be just fine. everything will be alright... ~jimmy eat world

remember that song? it's kinda from back in the day(2001) almost 10 years ago. i heard it the other day on the radio and got a little nostalgic.

this was an odd weekend. not odd in the things that happened really, but odd in where my head is at. i think the fact that i haven't had nearly enough sleep is messing with my head. i think it's kinda messing with my confidence too. *sigh* i try so hard to stay out of this funk, but it doesn't always work.
i woke up this morning kinda just 'over it'. i'm over the struggle. this single mom stuff is not easy. and things just keep getting dropped in my lap.
my situation is def not ideal. in fact there are some days that i just want to escape from it all. today is a day like that, when i kinda feel like crying.
it's weird! i really don't get it. i'm usually stronger than this. i just know that i'm tired and don't want to deal with anyone else's crap today.

i've also noticed recently that i have people in my life that have become some what parasitic. this is bad. i'm starting to feel kinda used and i really don't like it.

i know that i need to take better care of myself right now. i feel like i'm running out, not sure of what, but just running out of something. i need to recharge. i need to feed my soul. i need to be petted and taken care of.

so random: fawk you friday!!

2010-05-21T11:09:00.005-04:00

"sometimes i aim to please... but mostly, i shoot to kill... " hahahaha...

h*lls yeah!!

it's fawk you friday again!! and i'm feeling snippy today :D

i'm in a great mood, but i'm tired from the weeks previous events of non fun. i haven't had nearly enough sleep to get ready for this weekend. so the smart*ssery is strong today...

so, today i say...

fawk you cancer!! i've beat you, i know others can too!!
fawk you crazy bullsh*t that i shouldn't have to be dealing with right now!!
fawk you to the sorry waste of space that hurt my little girl!!
fawk you insomnia!!
fawk you night terrors!! we're gonna beat you!!
fawk you negativity!!
fawk you people who tell other people how to live their lives!!

ahhh... i feel better now. how about you??

btw, happy friday!! i'm def doing my friday dance... gettin down with some dirty heads today :)

thanks to our gracious host at boobies, babies, and a blog.

my breaking point : update

2010-05-19T11:24:00.002-04:00

i am officially exhausted...

the last 3 nights have been rough. because the girl had been up so many times sunday night, she was exhausted monday. the only way that she could sleep was for me to hold her. i held her til 2am, dozing on and off and finally had to go crawl in bed. i didn't sleep long.
4:30am and i was UP and i wasn't happy about it. she was up shortly after that, so we got the day started. we leave the house before 7am on weekdays, so it wasn't too too much of a stretch.
last night i dozed on the couch on and off with her(that's the other thing, she wont sleep in her bed right now). she was only up 3 times, so that's progress. i was mostly awake and talked on the phone with co until 2am. (remind me to tell you about her one of these days... she's amazing! <3) i finally got in the bed sometime after 3am and was up by 5:30.

shew! today my eyes burn and my body is starting to feel heavy and sore. it's not even lunch time yet, and i'm going to have to put my hair up and get some more caffeine in me, quick!

my breaking point

2010-05-17T08:59:00.006-04:00

deep breathe in... and out... deep breathe in... and out...

crying at work doesn't sound like a great idea right now, so i'm trying not to lose it today *sigh*

if any of you know me at all, then you know that the kidlets are the most important people in my life. i do everything that i can to protect them and shelter them from the whacked out sh*t that happens in life and the world in general. this is so hard sometimes...

yesterday was the girl's 4th birthday. we celebrated the way we usually celebrate birthdays in our house. mama cooks whatever you want including any kind of desert that you want and we have a quiet family day. so last night i made broccoli and beef for supper and we had strawberry banana shortcake for desert per the birthday girl's request.

we got half way through dessert, and my sweet girl started bawling. she couldn't understand why her father couldn't come to her 'birthday party'. my baby girl was hurting.

the heart of my heart had pain and sadness that i couldn't fix. i couldn't just kiss her booboo and make it all better. it was all i could do to not break down until the kidlets were in bed.

this sorry excuse for a human being called her to wish her a happy birthday earlier in the day. after being completely MIA for the last 2 months, he calls... OMG!! WTF!! are you f*cking kidding me?!?!
she didn't tell him she missed him or even that she loved him. no surprise there...

he's so selfish! he tried to sell me some line about how he felt like i thought it was a bad idea for him to see her anymore and it hurt his feelings. you're joking, right?! so because he got his 'feelings' hurt he just up and disappeared? because HIS feelings factor into what when it comes to what's right for my little girl??
no sh*t i don't think it's a good idea for him to see her! he's not stable and he wont stay on his meds. where is the draw here?? where's that thing within him that makes me want to trust him with my little girl?? i don't see it... do you??

needless to say, we had a pretty rough night. i don't even know how many times she woke up crying. i talked her into sleeping in my bed for a little while so i could hold her, but she still got up and roamed around.

i have never hated anyone in my life. but today, i know how it feels to hate. it makes me sick to my stomach. i am so angry!
i don't want to hate anybody. this is just beyond what i can handle. i have been pushed to my breaking point. so when i say i don't want to cry, it's angry tears i'm talking about.

so random: fawk you friday!!

2010-05-14T13:46:00.003-04:00

oh wow!!

this is a whole new concept for me... eep!

i'm not usually one to be all pissy on fridays. on the contrary, i love fridays! i love the idea that i don't have to go to work or even take off my pajamas if i don't want to.

hehe... but you all know that i'm always trying to do something fun!

so, today i say...

fawk you cancer!!
fawk you jerks that can't get off your high horse to help babies!
fawk you insomnia!!
fawk you anxiety!!
fawk you negativity!!
fawk you coward that is the girl's father!!

p.s. here is a better explanation for how this came about than i could give you.

outside in the sunshine

2010-05-11T09:30:00.003-04:00

today, i'm tired. like more tired than usual. i think i could have slept another 5 hours this morning instead of getting up.
this weekend was looooong, but not in a bad way. i just didn't get a lot of sleep, but that was mostly self inflicted. mostly.

friday night i went to fr's show. that was just a weird night. it ended good though, so yay for that!

saturday, i spent the day running around and shopping with the kidlets and my friends 15yr old daughter. that was def interesting. oh, to be 15 again...
saturday night was spent drinking wine and goofing off with rt. she's hilarious!

oh yeah, and yay for late night texting and phone calls before bed! those are the best :)

i spent sunday with the kidlets. it was so nice and relaxing. they played outside in the sunshine. i really think that all sundays should be like that.

also, i had some late night conversation that lasted til the wee hours of the morning. i think it was productive. *crosses fingers*

flashing gang signs

2010-05-07T09:39:00.007-04:00

did you know that you have to empty the hot chocolate packet INTO the cup and then add water?? apparently my brain didn't engage that today... i got hot water and the packet just sat there on the counter. it was great!

i had a moment last night where, if i was actually looking at the words that i was hearing, i so would have done a double take... and not in a good way. i would have been shooting them dirty looks and flashing them gang sign.

things are not how i want them. not that i know how i want them to be RIGHT NOW... i know the direction that i want to travel. i have a vague idea of how i think things should end. i'm just not sure how i'm going to get there. on a boat, in a canoe, on foot, doing cartwheels... i have no clue.
i want to keep moving, but sometimes i think that i'm moving further away from the things that i want. i don't want to just stand still, because i'm afraid of either stagnating or getting run over. does that mean i should go faster or slower? or change directions?
to be honest, i kinda want to crawl under a rock for a bit. can i do that?? that's standing still isn't it??

*sigh*

yay anxiety and conflict!! you rock! thanks for f*ckin with my head!!

going swimming...

2010-05-05T15:52:00.004-04:00

ok seriously?!?

i think i must have mommy brain today! i totally just had to get out the day planner to figure out what the h* i've been doing the last idk how many days...

ooooohhh...

i see what happened...

the boy stayed with his stepmother for the weekend. so friday was a quiet night at home. just me and the girl. in other words, i was in bed at a decent hour. yay sleep!!

saturday was when everything got a little crazy.

the girl and i had a great day! we spent part of it ransacking the kidlets room and getting some spring cleaning done.
in the afternoon we got our nails done and went shopping. she loves getting her nails painted at the nail shop, it's such a treat.

saturday night lb and i went to fr's show. i couldn't tell you how long it's been since lb and i have had an actually night out together.
we danced, we drank, and we even watched the lead singer do this lifeguard move to pull some random girl off of fr. i'm still laughing about that...

there were a few little hiccups in the night, but it ended with a smile :)

one of THOSE days...

2010-04-29T09:33:00.004-04:00

do you ever have those days where you just want to crawl under your desk and hide? well for me, yesterday was one of THOSE days...

i was feeling very vulnerable. i'd let down my guard for a minute and it kinda knocked me down a peg.

i know! i'm such a puss sometimes...

it took me a second to realize that there is strength in knowing your boundaries. and by god, i'm gonna push them as far as they'll go!

last night while doing the insomnia dance, i was reminded of how amazing my friends and family really are. they love me unconditionally. no matter what i do or how many times i stick my foot in my mouth, they're always there.

we all need that. we all need someone to love us unconditionally. it's good to have a shoulder to put your head on and arms to hold you when you need it.

so random: insomnia

2010-04-28T01:42:00.001-04:00

aaaaaahhhh... i got nothin'...

random fact #1: i got 4 inches cut off my hair (and bangs and layering)on monday. and how insignificant am i? no one noticed...

random fact #2: the runner for the lawyers office that we do work with brought me a dead bird today. weird!! in his defense, he wasn't sure if it was dead. he watched it fall from somewhere and hit the sidewalk. still weird.

random fact #3: i sent a link to this here blog to some one important to me and i'm not really sure what to think about the response. f* you anxiety!!

random fact #4: the non sleep a.k.a. insomnia is back! last night i was up at 2am for no particular reason. so i did laundry and cleaned my kitchen. and now here i am, it's after 1am. yay me!

if this keeps up, i'm thinking i see some late night baking in my future... again.

i think i've got these pumpkin muffins down pat, plus the modifications for apple and pear. maybe now i'll start working on banana bread, either that or i'll try working on that baked french toast again. i did see a nice recipe for chocolate cake, but like i need chocolate cake around the house...

ugh! oh well, i'll figure something out.

grin and bear it

2010-04-26T10:57:00.006-04:00

...i may not have the softest touch, i may not say the words as such and though i may not look like much i'm yours... ~the script

ok, so here it is... this post is where i bear my soul. it's a potential blog killer, but whatever i have to get it all out.

i love. (imagine that!) yes, i love.

how do i explain this? i'm stupid nuts about a guy. i'm always hesitant to post anything that could be considered as TMI here. but if you know me then you know who it is. we've had some good time, bad times, crazy times(mostly me crazy) and we've had some omgsoamazing times.

this man is my weakness.

things between us seem so complicated some time, but really they're not. there is nothing complicated about loving someone. it's the reality part of life that can be complicated.
i walk around with my 'game face' on like a mask. it's not that i want to hide how i feel. it's that i'm afraid of the rejection. there's a lot of potential to get hurt, when you give yourself(your heart) to someone.
this is what i've been so conflicted about. i've been spending a lot more time with him recently. and it's been wonderful. but our time is usually limited. what's hard for me is that i want more. more time, more of him, more of it all.
i want to tell him all of these things, but reality gets in the way. reality is kind of a bitch right now.

this is hard! i'm supposed to be the rock. everyone comes to me with their issues. but who do i go to? there are only a few of my friends that actually know it all.
so the question of the hour is this: do i keep this to myself and potentially let him slip away? or do i say where i am?

autopilot

2010-04-23T15:48:00.004-04:00

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... ~Oscar Wilde

you ever have things happen in your life that mess with you so bad that you're almost consumed by it?? i might just be insane, but that's kinda how my brain is working lately. it's like i'm in this funk and i just can't quite shake it. so this week i have totally been on autopilot.

i am conflicted about so many things. mostly relationship shaped things, but also other things...

i really didn't think this would be so hard. i know what i want and i know what is good for me. so why then can they not be the same? or at least not the opposite? what's the alternative or compromise? where do we draw the line for right and wrong? at what point do we say that this is or isn't acceptable behavior?

friends tell me they've been there. i know some have. how can something that makes you happy be wrong? i'm happy, but frustrated. i know i'm being vague, but there are too many complications to write here. just too much involved. *sigh*

moving along...

last weekend was another solid good. these good weekends are becoming a steady thing for me, so yay for that!

thursday the kidlets and i grilled out with lb. one of our fav things to do! she just got a sweet new weber! i want one so bad... if only i had a deck or balcony of some kind.

friday the girl and i went and got our nails done. that's right, i'm starting her off young!

saturday i took the girl to chuck e cheese's. she loved it. it's amazing the fun a 3yr old can have with 5 bucks in tokens. it was a nice afternoon.

saturday night was um... well, that kinda has to do with my conflict. i went to bristol on an invite. i even stayed in the band house. i had an amazing time.

at the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants...

hermit-ish

2010-04-20T14:17:00.003-04:00

so i kinda suck at keeping up with the writing lately... sorry!

i want to write. i have things to write about, really i do. i just have so much on my plate as of late that i can't seem to get it right.
i'm conflicted about a lot of things right now. it occurred to me that my usual approach is to just ride it out and see what happens *sigh* but for some reason, i'm letting myself get stressed over it. stress and my health don't really get along so well, so i'm going to do my best to just chill the h* out. maybe i'll be a little hermit-ish this week. maybe cook something new... or old. maybe bake a little.

p.s. i had a really great weekend, but that's where some of my conflict comes from. i may post about it later.

like a dang super ball

2010-04-14T14:32:00.007-04:00

geeze o' pete!!

I. CANNOT. CONCENTRATE!!

idk what my problem is... i've gotten a ton of stuff accomplished at work, but my brain has been bouncing around like a dang super ball. i can't seem to get my thoughts and stuff in order.

i suppose it could be that my brain is stuck somewhere between last weekend and this coming weekend...

last weekend was just... WOW, just WOW!

friday i had dinner with one of my girlies. it was so good to see her and catch up. we used to go to church together years and years ago. good food, good conversation and a good glass of wine... my kind of night!
it didn't hurt that i was at home and in bed at a decent hour either. lately, it seems that i have a ton of energy during the day, but am insanely tired at night. not sure why... so yay for sleep!

this is the point in my post where i tilt my head slightly and giggle just a little bit...

so... yeah, text messages at 3am and 2 phone calls later... and i was making plans to go down to atlanta for the night, saturday night.

CRAZY! i know!!

i had actually talked myself out of it by 4pm saturday, because it was 3 hours one way and have i told you that i could seriously get lost in a paper bag? let alone atlanta, a city i'd never driven in.
i mentioned it to one of my girls. and POOF! we made plans at 7 and left my apt at 8. i still can't believe that we went. but hey, i've got pictures to prove it :)
we had so much fun! and the drive was def worth it...

smiling with...

2010-04-08T21:28:00.006-04:00

i've been wondering around my apartment for the last hour trying to figure out why i hadn't posted earlier this week.

... and then it dawned on me. it was easter this last weekend. as you know, me and holidays don't get along so well right now. so i guess i was just trying to forget about it or something.
i mean, overall, it was a pretty good weekend. i did all the eastery stuff with the girl (easter dresses, church, nice lunch) and the boy stayed with his granny for the weekend. but i was only half into it.
the hardest thing for me was getting my mother off the phone. she called to see if the kidlets easter gifts had arrived and indeed they had. i hate having to tell her that i don't want to talk, but i know she understood.

moving on...

tuesday, i had a lovely surprise! i got flowers delivered to work... see?

remember my trip to vegas??

i've been emailing back and forth with one of the vm's dude's friends. (we'll call him ie for irish eyes) we just talk about life and what's going on around us. he tells me a lot about ireland and i tell him a lot about here. he's super nice and easy going. it's so cool to be corresponding with someone from another country!
well, he's the one who sent me the flowers, just to make me smile. how nice is that?

so far that has been the highlight of my week... not too shabby, huh :)

cuando, cuando, cuando

2010-04-01T13:55:00.010-04:00

tell me when will you be mine
tell me cuando, cuando, cuando
we can share a love divine
please don't make me wait again...

ahhhhh.... listening to michael buble always makes me feel so zen. like i should be doing the samba or basking in the sun in a bikini with one of those fruity drinks with a little umbrella in it. *sigh*

it's spring! spring has finally sprung!! talk about mood weather... it's gorgeous outside. of course, i don't have any windows in my office, but that's beside the point. the promise of the beautiful weekend ahead has made me just a little antsy today...

oy! i can't believe it's already thursday! where has the week gone??

where to start... where to start...

i know this is a lil out of chronological order, but you love me. so you'll let me get away with it, right? right.

last weekend was another one of those solid kind of good weekends.
friday was great! i went to fr's show at a local sports bar with a couple of my girlies. we had so much fun! oh the trouble i could get into at that particular place... ha! they recently installed a stripper pole in another part of the building. that's all i'm gonna say about that *grins*

saturday was nice and relaxing until i got a phone call at 6pm from one of my friends, telling me that we were having a birthday dinner for another one of my friends at 7:30. and here i was half passed out on the couch.
shew! that got me kick started...

i had dinner (well, sangria at least) and chocolate cake at a mexican restaurant with the girls. i went from there to the same sports bar from friday to see another one of my friends bands play for a bit. THEN, went home and changed clothes.

me and one of the girls headed to the club. we were guests of dj. so VIP, no cover, and bottle service! it's good to be me sometimes!

we had a blast!

so random: omg. wtf week!

2010-03-31T08:37:00.003-04:00

i had a stellar weekend, but that's for another post.

the weirdest crap has been dropped in my lap this week. i've been experiencing 'wtf's all week and it's only wednesday. geeze...

random fact #1: remember ts? one of his friends who is now not his friend told me some info that totally floored me on monday. it's taken people a while to see the real him. shocker! right?
well, apparently it doesn't end at all the weirdness that he bestowed upon me.
he's got a kid! a daughter, that he doesn't own up to. not only that, but she's 18! an adult. wtf. a child that he denies. omg! if i had known that before... hindsight's 20/20, but still! omg!

random fact #2: i got unfriended on facebook for not agreeing with a friends specific religious views...
it bothered me at first but i'm not upset about it now, because a) it's facebook! i post what i want and police my own page. if someone puts up something offensive then i take it down. the things that i post are either silly or encouraging.
i want people to be happy and to feel loved, even if it's just for 2 seconds out of their busy day. and b) how ridiculous is it to delete someone over the fact that they don't believe the specific doctrine that you believe?? there are so many different denominations of christianity that you just can't agree with them all.
i look at life in a different way than most, but i always try and see things with love and hope. i guess her and i weren't as good of friends as i thought.

random fact #3: and the official WTF of the week...
bh bailed on visitation with the girl last night! wtf! he won't respond to text messages or calls. i finally got ahold of his manager at work, thinking that he may have done something stupid. like last year when he tried to commit suicide. but nope, he was on his way to work when his manager called him. can we say d*bag?!?!
so he wasted my time and gas money AND upset the girl for what?! for what?! why are you gonna bail on your kid?!? after all of the crap he has put us through... why?!
angry does not even begin to cover how i feel right now... my baby girl deserves better than this! period!

so that's where i'm at today.

deep breathes. deep. cleansing. breathes. in through the nose and out though the mouth... and again. ok, i'm not going to let this ruin my week d*mnit!!

inner city blues

2010-03-25T10:30:00.002-04:00

oooooh! idk how many of you know this, but i'm so into music. i know! surprise, right?

well, i came across this and can't stop listening to it. it's way HOT! hmm.. john mayer and marvin gaye... great combination!

diving back in head first

2010-03-23T11:26:00.004-04:00

i'm trying to get back into the swing of things here, but life keeps happening around me. i just want to tell life 'hey, can you hold on just a sec so i can get my head on straight'. but life, she's a funny thing, she just keeps on going. so here's to diving back in head first and hopefully not getting overwhelmed.

last week seemed to go by in a haze. (btw, jet lag sucks when you've got sh*t to do.) it seems like i wasn't even awake and coherent until friday. add caffeine to that and POOF! i turn into a goldfish.

friday was fun. i took the kidlets to a birthday party for rt's nephew. it took a min for them to warm up to everybody, but once the did, they had a blast. who doesn't love kids singing karaoke?? it was great!
of course we played trivial pursuit later that night too. and guess what?! I WON!! woot woot!! i love it when i win stuff! of course, i never win, so it was so much the sweeter :D

saturday was kind of a lazy day apart from the cleaning and insane amount of laundry that i got through. i still have so much more to do to truely be caught up.
saturday night i went to fr's show. i had so much fun. and i didn't drink too much. so yay for that!

hmm... sat down with fr again. we talked quite a bit about all sorts of things. positive things... i hope.

vegas baby!!

2010-03-22T22:05:00.001-04:00

gorgeous sushi at shibuya inside the mgm grand. mmm... so good!

sorry it took me so long to post. i'm still trying to catch up IRL...

this has to be the craziest sh*t i've ever read as far as horoscopes go, esp considering the weekend i had in vegas:

weekly horoscope

For the Week of Mar 8th, 2010 -- Creating a fantasy experience can make Saturday a memorable day. Set aside whatever distractions you can to make the time and emotional space to open your heart and share love with an easygoing playmate. This isn't a time of commitment; it's an escape from daily life that's meant to heal wounds and inspire a newfound sense of innocence and hope.

i have to say that vegas was everything i hoped. my girlies were so much fun. my cousin(we'll call her vm) is hilarious and ws lost her mind, but we had way much fun!

thursday night i got there around midnight. i got the kidlets settled in with my mom and got the party started.

i'm not going to give the complete rundown here, because of course what happens in vegas...

BUT there was much alcohol. beautiful dinners. crazy clubs. great shopping. fun clothes. gambling at all hours... the list could go on and on.

the result is that i feel different/better about life. there is so much more to look forward to.

i made a few new friends while out there. vm had met someone in vegas more than a year ago and has been corresponding with him ever since. he met us out there with a couple of his friends. we all got along really well.
did i mention that my cousin's guy is from ireland. not just from there, but he actually lives there. i thought that was pretty d* cool that he thinks enough of vm to go all that way to spend a little time with her.
well, vm's guy invited her to go to ireland in the summer to visit. the coolest part is that she wants me to come with her.

OMG!! IRELAND!! i'm going to ireland! in the summer!!

i'm so freakin excited that i can't stand myself!

who?? me??

2010-03-22T16:59:00.001-04:00

I. AM. GOLDFISH. today!

sorry, i know! i suck!

love you all!

will try to post later :D

weeeeell...

2010-03-19T10:50:00.002-04:00

hi!
um... i've finally had a good nights sleep and CAFFEINE, so yeah...

i can't sit still long enough to actually write today *grin*

sooooo... i promise i'll post, but i'm not sure when. i have 2 posts in the works, but the attention span of a goldfish today.

WOOHOO!!

happy friday!!

sunshine and gumdrops

2010-03-10T15:35:00.006-05:00

sorry to leave ya hanging kids... i've been way under the weather.
last wednesday i stayed home from work, because i was all ugh. i went to see the doc on thursday and OF COURSE, had to get inhalers. grrr... to the tune of $135 after the insurance paid part of it. ugh, stupid body!
i totally lost my voice from this ubersexy cough, so it's not been all sunshine and gumdrops the last bunch of days :(

hahahahaha... haha... haha... ha (nervous laugh)

...and then there was this last weekend.*tilts head to one side*
h*, i don't know how to explain it all or if i even want to here. we'll just say that it included several text messages, phone calls and some late night conversation.

friday, was trivial pursuit night... so fun!
saturday was a girls' day! me and one of my girls went to lunch, went shopping and then had the most awesome pedicures EVER.
i NEED one of those massaging chairs in my living room stat!

saturday night i went to see fr's band play. it was the lead singers birthday and he's also a good friend. so i had to make an appearance, right?

*sigh*

today, i have thoroughly coughed my head off. but i'm still in a super awesome mood from the weekend *wink*
plus! i'm leaving for las vegas tomorrow afternoon!!! i'm so excited to see my mom and a couple of my west coast girlies :)

so random: i hate you, monday!

2010-03-01T11:15:00.004-05:00

my weekend was kinda lame. and mondays just aren't for me...

random fact #1: i hate having to be the 'adult' in situations where there is alcohol involved.

random fact #2: i was going to go see alice in chains today with sd, but now i'm not. i realized that there are just too many implications. i just can't do it...

random fact #3: the brakes went out on my car yesterday. it sucked! the crazy thing is that i didn't freak out until i got home.

random fact #4: i'm really getting sick of these 2 day headaches!

random fact #5: i went to a party with my hiking group over the weekend. it was fun, but then it wasn't.

random fact #6: i've come to realize that i'm standing in my own damn way of being happy. or maybe just in my own damn way of being in a relationship. basically, i get scared and panic. and that just leads to me looking like a flake to these guys, when i'm really not. i'm a pretty steady kind of girl. at least i think i am.

it's all about connecting the dots...

2010-02-21T15:03:00.005-05:00

i think i need this sign printed for my front door... hahaha...

last week i spent either sick or running around like a crazy person trying to get things squared away for my trip...
yes, i'm going on a trip. after the afore mentioned sucktastic start to my year, i'm going on a girl's trip to vegas next month. i'm so excited about it! it's only gonna be a long weekend, but geeze do i need to get out of my little hole for a couple days. so yay for that!

this weekend was great! friday night i met lb and her kidlets for dinner. it was nice to catch up. i hadn't seen her in a couple of months.
saturday was nice and relaxing. i luxuriated in the fact that i could hang out in my pjs half the day and look at catalogs, or just whatever i wanted to do. i made some awesome salad for lunch and pasta that night that i will be posting about later.

again out of the blue, fr stopped by. we were able to sit down and talk. he's got a lot going on and a lot of things to deal with. i get it now. i feel better about things.

i've been doing a lot of thinking lately about what i have and what i want. while i have male friends and friends that are trying to hook me up with their male friends, i don't think i want that. to elaborate, i don't want a relationship for the sake of being in one.
i'm really starting to see how nice it is to just be me. 'me' is fun and funny and so many other things. i really like that i don't have to cater to anyone else. and how i can do what i want. i like sleeping in my own bed by myself.
yes, it's nice to have someone to come home to and to do all the things that couples do. but like i've said before, everything comes with a price. i know i waiver on this, and i probably will for a while, or at least until i find a situation that i like. i do get lonely and i'm not made of stone, ya know.

oh st valentine!

2010-02-16T16:13:00.003-05:00

so yeah... valentine's day this year, was um.. weird/bad. weird because this is the first valentine's day in at least 10yrs that i didn't have an actual valentine. bad, because i spent the whole day and part of the next puking my brains out.

i still made sure that the kidlets had fun. we met one of my girlfriends and her daughter at this really great little diner called the creamery. their food is wonderful. it's all homemade diner type food. they even make their own ice dream. and their sweet potato fries are heavenly. the kidlets def enjoyed themselves.
me, i didn't get to eat, because of the my stomach's spectacular acrobatics. i did however, take my noms home and the kidlets ate that later, so it wasn't a total waste to go ahead and order, and at least look like i intended to eat.
i had wanted to take them shopping, but instead we laid around and watched movies all day. how many times can you watch transformers in one day without losing you mind? you ask... i have no idea. they loved it though and since i was already without said mind, it was fine.

hey, soul sister

2010-02-11T15:47:00.012-05:00

hey, heeeeyy, heeeyyy... hey, soul sister :)

again, my friends are flippin amazing! when stupid sh*t happens in my life, here they are to help pick up the pieces... and i love them for it.

mg and i text or talk several times a day, everyday. she is as close to a sister to me as my own sister. we've known each other since we were 13. that's a long freakin time! in dog years, that's like more than 100yrs.
dude! we're getting old.
well, yesterday we were texting about all the lamerific stuff that's been going on recently and she said "you deserve better and he deserves to be b*tch slapped". she's awesome like that, just tells it like it is. but she is SO right! i do deserve better. there, i've said it. i deserve to have someone be honest with me, that's like a total deal breaker.

anyway, i've been meaning to post this, but i wanted to make it at least one more good time to make sure i had it just right. so i made it last night and it was heaven on a plate.

heaven on a plate a.k.a. spinach and pesto chicken quiche
adapted from pillsbury

ingredients:
1 refrigerated pie crust
1lb cooked pesto chicken cut or shredded into bite size pieces
1box frozen spinach, thawed
1/2c shredded colby jack cheese
1/2c shredded sharp cheddar cheese
1/2c shredded parmigiano cheese
4 eggs
1c light sour cream
2tbs milk(i used soy milk)
1/2tsp salt
1/2tsp pepper
1/2tsp dry ground mustard

for the pesto chicken, i wanted to make it a little more figure friendly so i mixed garlic salt, black pepper and dry basil together and seasoned the chicken with that before browning it in olive oil.

layer chicken, spinach and cheese into the pie crust.
beat eggs, sour cream, milk and spices together until smooth.
pour egg mixture over the chicken, spinach and cheese.
bake at 375 for 35 to 45 min until it's not jiggly and a knife inserted in the center comes out clean.

the recipe says it's supposed to serve 6, but i think it could easily serve 8 for a nice lunch with a salad.

i had mine with a salad of baby greens and a glass of white zinfandel. yum!

[hearts] for las chicas!!

i need a hug... or something

2010-02-08T14:20:00.005-05:00

homesick, home sick, sick for home... *sigh*

i'm def sad and sick and still so OMG about this whole situation.

"And that's what adulthood is: you wake from the nightmare and realize there's no bigger bed to climb into." ~john mayer via twitter

huh...

my weekend was so odd. things were calm and good, then they were bad and i was yelling. by the end of it i'd made a complete a** of myself and lost my phone. oh and rt told fr to stay away from me. (i have hearts for her for doing that) she's the kind of friend a girl needs.
did anyone else know that his ex had moved back into his house with him?? in october?! cause i didn't until he told me last week. that was def my big FML moment for the year.

thankyouverymuch

i think i'm at that point that you get to where things are just so wrong that you just want to go home to mommy. i need right now, not anything in particular, just need.

a slightly more health conscious baked potato

2010-02-04T09:51:00.005-05:00

i am an avid reader of food blogs and well, other blogs too. but i was inspired to harden my arteries by my friend saint tigerlily. she always has super fun ideas :) so in honor of saint tigerlily's overstuffed potatoes i made my own version.

i used red potatoes instead of russets to start with 1) because they are smaller(yay for smaller portions!) and 2) because they are sweeter, so the kidlets like them.

the toppings included:

diced turkey kielbasa
garlicky spinach
light sour cream
cheddar jack cheese
and diced tomatoes

i served it with a strawberry and spinach salad. because yeah, strawberries + pepper = awesome.

this was a great weeknight supper. super easy and super fast, plus i have leftovers if i want to make it again this week. the girl wasn't really impressed with the spinach, but she liked everything else. and the boy was all over the spinach and kielbasa, so this meal was def FTW.

p.s. not the clearest pic, i know. i'm having issues with uploading pics... so bear with me *wink*

no lo entiendo (i don't understand)

2010-02-03T13:04:00.006-05:00

sometimes it is SO HARD to be strong for someone else, especially when you're trying even harder not to fall apart yourself.

i feel like i'm totally losing it today... i'm just a huge mix of well, EVERYTHING. ugh.
this weekend was very blah. we were pretty much snowed in the whole time. (btw, i officially HATE snow.) i'm so over this not being able to get out of the house thing that is winter. since the roads were pretty hazardous, i didn't get to have my face to face with fr. not that i know what i would have said to him anyway, but still.
i'm struggling pretty bad this week. i'm trying so hard to take my own damn advice and think positively. i want so badly to be in a good mood. but today, i'm tired. i haven't slept well the last 2 or 3 nights. i'm cranky and anxious. those 2 things aren't so pretty on me. funny thing, when i get this stressed and anxious, i actually start thinking and cussing in spanish. idk why, i just do. must be the latin thing, i guess. yo no se.

how sad is it that, yesterday i actually went and got my hair trimmed to kind of spunk it up. it did put me in a better mood... for about a minute. i've tried it all. i thought maybe some retail therapy might help, but it didn't. though, i did get a pair of really cute wedges on sale. i'm talking about $45 shoes for $8, seriously?! why am i not just elated?? *sigh*

i'm just not myself right now, that's all i know.

i [heart] scallops with asparagus

2010-01-29T09:46:00.008-05:00

so yeah... this week has just gone to sh*t...

i did manage to go to the movies on wed night and see sherlock holmes. i give it an A. of course, 2 shots of jeager and a couple of beers always improves a movie experience... just not so good for the morning after. (note to self: hangovers suck a** on thursday mornings.)
i'm not really sure what my problem is today though. i'm so nauseated. ugh. not a good thing for me. i hate hate HATE throwing up.

oh yeah, i made this last night. i think i deserved it. ny strip steak, scallops, asparagus, and a white wine sauce... it was REALLY good. i didn't eat that much of it, but it still tasted awesome. i [heart] my dear friend saint tigerlily for the recipe and method. i've made it several times with scallops and shrimp and it always turns out amazing.
the running joke about it last night between me and mg was that 'someday i'll make an AWESOME wife, but until then i'm going to eat awesome sh*t like this ALL BY MYSELF!!!'

... and then the sun came up

2010-01-26T09:40:00.005-05:00

i am in a state of utter shock. i'm trying so hard to keep it together today. so hard. *deep breathe*

i think my chest hurts *sigh*

umm... i got a message from fr late last night on myspace.
ugh. yes, we know what happens when he messages me out of the blue. it had to do with this.
so now, i'm a huge ball of OMG and so many other things. i just have so much confusion. things seemed like they were going so well with us. i've never even had an argument with him.

when he was with me sunday morning, the sun came up and he didn't seem like he wanted to leave me. he was sweet and comforting and warm. i'm not sure what has brought this about again, but we're going to sit and talk this weekend. i'm going to do my very best to be calm about the situation.

yeah, my chest hurts...

wanting to rush it

2010-01-25T11:30:00.003-05:00

i know i said i would keep you posted on this last weekend, but i'm not even sure where to start.

friday didn't end the way i'd hoped. i ended up arguing with a friend of mine. which was stupid. i was being my smart a* self and he told me that i was being a b*. so, i lost my patience and basically told him to go f* himself. cause really, at the end of the night, i am my own person and i don't answer to anyone. period. i know that might sound funny unless you were privy to the actual conversation, but he wasn't calling me out. he'd had too much to drink and was just being a d*. he apologized for it later.

anywho, saturday was kind of a lazy day. the girl and i stayed at home and watched movies. i like days like that. we both fell asleep on the couch.
fr stopped by on his way home from GA. that was nice. i like to sit and just talk to him. there is no pressure to do anything or be anything.

today, i'm just in a good mood. just happy with how things are. i think that's how i should be. it seems so often that because i know what i want, i end up wanting to rush it. i do want to get on with the rest of my life, but what that entails, i just don't know. so i just keep on the way that it is and kinda let it ride. and i'm ok with that.

i was totally slacking

2010-01-22T16:38:00.004-05:00

so... yeah. i have stuff to say, but don't know how to say it today.

this week seems like it has gone by in a total flash. i know there was something slightly controversial that happened, but apparently it wasn't that important or i would remember what it was. oh well, i guess it didn't affect my world that much.

i was feeling very impatient the other day, but i am better now. as you know, i've been trying to take better care of myself, but last week i was totally slacking. i think that had something to do with it.
i've been doing much better this week. i've been dragging my sorry butt out of bed EVERY morning to work out. i think i'm doing pretty ok with it. i do crunches, push-ups, squats, lunges and some ballet type stretching.
all i can say is WOW, i feel so incredible by the time i get to work. i hate getting up early, because i'm so not a morning person. but this really seems to be working for me. i'm in a better almost contagiously mood for the rest of the day.

...just thought you should know :)

in other news: i had lunch with sd today. it was nice. tonight i'm supposed to go meet some friends for drinks and some live music(not a band i've seen before). so that should be fun. i'm not really sure what else i'll be doing this weekend, but i'll keep ya posted...

floating around without an anchor

2010-01-18T11:29:00.005-05:00

so lately, esp within the last week or so, i've been carrying around these feelings of discontent. i think i've been doing really well about cutting the drama out of my life. that leaves me with a lot more time on my hands. time means i think, way too much. time also means that i have too much energy for my own good. all this nervous energy also means, that i have yet again the attention span of a goldfish.
so here i am with time and energy and nothing to do with it, but so many things to do. so many things that need attention, but are hard to finish because every other thing catches my attention. it's like i'm floating around without an anchor. nothing to ground me. this doesn't seem to be a good thing for me.
i seem to have experienced every raw, intense, negative, sad, frustrating emotion in the last few days. i don't get it, i really don't. i'm supposed to be happier and calmer with this new way of doing things, but i'm just all over the place.
something has shifted, i actually know what it is. i've gotten to a point where i'm kinda lonely. scattered attention from people and talking to friends can only fulfill so much. it's that whole anchor thing. with nothing to ground me, i kinda feel out of control in a way. i know this will pass, but it's kinda annoying.
i feel like i have to stay in and at home, because i don't want to get myself in trouble. and we all know how easy it is for me to find trouble. so in essence i've become a bit of a hermit. it's not so bad, but it's still lonely. *sigh* i wish i could find some kind of happy medium of sorts.

i've been flipping back and forth writing this post and doing a million other things and i just don't seem to have the patience for anything. wtf. what is wrong with me today?! grrrr...

oh well. more later i guess

allergic?

2010-01-12T10:57:00.005-05:00

ok, so i had this whole post about loneliness and companionship floating around in my head last night. i may still post it later...

BUT, i realized this morning that i'm having an allergic reaction to something. ugh!! i don't know what though... i think i would have known sooner if it hadn't been for this totally f*ed up weather that we've been having.
i've chocked up the dry skin and eyes and the weird sinuses and all the other weirdness to the whacked out weather. my eyes are burning today. so now i get to deconstruct my diet for the last week to try and figure it out.
FUN!! just what i wanted to do today. not to mention how fun it's going to be to operate on antihistamines. this sucks a*!!

p.s. taking benadryl while drinking red bull = not my best idea ever

so random and the alpha male

2010-01-11T11:51:00.006-05:00

random fact 1: i thought this pic was so pretty, so i totally boosted it from a friend. i know he wont mind me posting it though.

random fact 2: i'm trying to take more time for myself away from being online. apparently, i spend way too much of my life online these days.

random fact 3: i've been baking a lot and totally loving it. thought you should know...

random fact 4: i'm really trying to get it together today, but i just can't seem to get my head on straight.

random fact 5: i totally have fr on the brain. it's good. it's confusing. it's... it just is.

i saw fr this weekend. his band played a show on friday night in the next town over. i had a lot of fun :)

we got into this conversation about people around us and the hierarchy. i'm starting to understand it all now. i mean i understood it before, but not really where i myself fit into my own group, i guess. i do see how certain personalities are attracted to others, simply based on their status in their own social circle. it's very interesting.
it seems to me( and this is just an observation) that most females are attracted to the alpha male in some way shape or form (friendship or otherwise). it just all seems to be about status and validation.
the feminist movement tries to void those rules, but our society still judges us by them. i see it in myself. while, i am independent and head strong, i see myself looking for validation from a partner.
i have friends that joke about a class-action suite against disney, because we all grew up wanting to have some male figure sweep us off our feet. alas, that's not really the way it works. but that gets me thinking... how does it work? there are so many men and women out there that are happy in their relationships. is that wholly attainable by all? or is that only for some? and what makes a good relationship?
i have good friendships with men and women. some are rigidly structured and others are non-structured, completely not what you would consider a traditional relationship.
examples: me and mg, totally traditional. best friends since we were 12. me and wb, traditional. almost big brother little sister. me and rt, traditional. she's my girl, one of my besties. me and fr, non traditional. we are how we are and we do what we want. free flowing in a way.
make sense?
more later

playing kickball... DUH!

2010-01-04T20:58:00.004-05:00

ugh. today has been trying....
*sigh* i'm so trying to chill the h* out. i am so over it with bh and his newest ex-wife. geeze, they've been wearing me out today. and now, i'm done. just done. *cleansing breath in and out* i've been so stressed that my jaw actually hurts.

this is what i was talking about when i said i was clearing the deck. i'm cutting off all contact with anyone who brings me drama. i just don't need the stress. i deserve to be treated better by the people that i choose to interact with.

in other news: this last weekend was a solid 'good' weekend. i mostly hung out at the house with the kidlets. saturday, i took the kidlets to see cloudy with a chance of meatballs. they loved it so much. the girl sat in my lap the whole time. i was amazed, she usually wont sit still for that long.

sunday was a pretty relaxing day. the kidlets and i listened to a podcast from church since it was SO cold. have i told you how much i hate cold weather?? yeah, it was freakin freezing...
i'm so loving this mommy thing! esp because the girl is finally old enough to really interact with everyone. i love how she learns new things all the time. we have so much fun. we actually played kickball in the kitchen :) and we didn't even break anything. that's what the extra space is for, right?