A reason to start over new

I had such grand plans. Maybe not grand plans, but little plans to start over. 

When I moved back to California, it was in part for my grandma who was dying and part for getting away from scary situations. I had some tiny glimmer of hope to start over new. I'm convinced a new life doesn't exist in this place. The loss of hope is a hard and scary thing. 

My hope is hiding. It's in another town in another state where people are nice and life is less expensive. 

how much you don't

do you ever wonder if you've ever truly been IN LOVE? i do.

i wonder about what it really is. is it real? or is it a figment of our imaginations? is it the same for everyone? is it something you just now? what if what one person thinks they feel is down the road and a left turn from what another thinks they feel? is being IN LOVE with someone just a chemical reaction in our brains? or is it something more?

i can speculate, but i don't really know if anyone has ever felt about me the way i have felt about the one person that i can't forget. how do you know?
i never could understand how one person can just pick up and throw away all the time and effort that they have invested in another. there is so much conflict involved.

i don't think any of this makes sense at the moment. these are just things in my head.

i've had one of those days today that i didn't realize how sideways things were until my eyes started burning from all of the tears i'd cried. i don't even know how i would tell you about it all or where i would start.

my heart aches in so many ways and i'm pulled in so many directions that i'm honestly surprised that i haven't completely broken yet.

it's a weird feeling to realize how much you don't mean to so many people.

most of the time

... or heels or pajamas or naked or whatever. life is just better. in a way, better than it has been in a long time.

i'm really liking the way things are going, not always but most of the time. i'm healthy, my babies are healthy and i don't have much to b*tch about these days. i am content with that.
work is going well. i stay crazy busy, but my oil rig guys are good to me. the caterer only brings me in for the big jobs since i can only work weekends, so i get to be off this weekend. it's been nice to have the time to catch up on life just a bit.
it's been nice to have someone to kiss goodnight lately. he's been trying to get me off coffee and we all know that's probably not gonna happen. it's cute to listen to him try though. my favorite is when we slide down his wood floors in our socks.

so maybe life is better in socks...

i did that

ha. i did that!
... i didn't steal anything. i ran! i did my first 5k last month with a couple of my girlies and it was amazing!!! i can't wait for my next one.
these days i run anywhere between 20 and 30 miles a week and i feel great. as with the natural progression of fitness, i've tried a lot of different types of workouts; yoga, crossfit, hiit and now i've started weightlifting. i'm diggin' it! i like the variety and to challenge myself.

in other news: i started a new job about a month ago for a local construction company as a bookkeeper. i'm pretty excited about it. i decided to keep my job with the caterer, so i work 6 and 7 days a week. working as much as i do and going to the gym as much as i do and taking care of my family keeps me pretty busy. busy is good for me.
as always, there are things and people that pop up and throw a wrench into my machine, but things are going pretty smoothly. there are people that i miss from my old life, but i know that they weren't meant to progress with me to this point.
new friendships, old friendships and maybe even a budding relationship... i'm feeling pretty blessed to have these people in my life. i'm not always happy, but i'm getting there.

unconditional

visited grandma and grandpa yesterday. breaks my heart every time. if you're lucky enough to find someone to LOVE you unconditionally, scoop them up and hold on tight with both hands and never take that love for granted ♥

let's

today is just weird. i have a calm that i wasn't expecting to have. i think that's what happens when my brain is finally telling my heart to take a step back and listen to the things that are going on around me.

i'm constantly learning about human nature and how people work. it turns out that most people are just as screwed up as i am. it's comforting in a way.

his

... and his is the same... hehe...

turning the page and turning the page and turning the page...

sigh. all sorts of amazing, wonderful, unexpected things happen when you decide that you deserve more than what you've accepted for so long.