how much you don't

do you ever wonder if you've ever truly been IN LOVE? i do.

i wonder about what it really is. is it real? or is it a figment of our imaginations? is it the same for everyone? is it something you just now? what if what one person thinks they feel is down the road and a left turn from what another thinks they feel? is being IN LOVE with someone just a chemical reaction in our brains? or is it something more?

i can speculate, but i don't really know if anyone has ever felt about me the way i have felt about the one person that i can't forget. how do you know?
i never could understand how one person can just pick up and throw away all the time and effort that they have invested in another. there is so much conflict involved.

i don't think any of this makes sense at the moment. these are just things in my head.

i've had one of those days today that i didn't realize how sideways things were until my eyes started burning from all of the tears i'd cried. i don't even know how i would tell you about it all or where i would start.

my heart aches in so many ways and i'm pulled in so many directions that i'm honestly surprised that i haven't completely broken yet.

it's a weird feeling to realize how much you don't mean to so many people.

la la land

ok, so... i swear i'm not trying to be a hermit... well, maybe i am, but not on purpose. i've had several people message or call me to make sure that i'm still alive. love you guys for checking on me!

i'm here! i just get busy or am off in la la land or some combination of the 2. also, you can almost always find me on the twitter. that's about the only thing i really keep up with lately.

apparently, i can't focus to save my life today! i had a ton of stuff to write about and then i got distracted and it all flew away...

i love the way my brain works! ...sometimes.

well, here's something fun to listen to today mouth by bush... mostly because it's um.. hot! enjoy!

about a girl

so let me tell you a story about a girl...

something bad happened to her. she met a guy that she thought was ok. they hung out. he met some of her friends, they thought he was a nice guy.

she went to his house to watch movies late one night. she dosed off...

she woke up in pain, with his hand around her throat. she told him to stop, but he wouldn't.

finally, he got up to go to the bathroom.

she left before he came back.

a little break

*waves* hi!

so, here's the thing...

i have a whole lot going on all up in this area *points to head*

so i'm kinda taking a little break from blogging for a while. i promise i'll post again soon, but i just can't concentrate long enough to write more than a few lines at a time.

thanks for sticking with me!

hugs and big wet kisses :)

p.s. i'm still reading a commenting on other blogs, but mostly lurking... ( i know, i know... i just admitted to being a lurker, but you still love me, right?)

monday minute: crying would take too long

lest i procrastinate any longer, here is the monday minute...



what was your "oh no, i'm turning into my mom/dad" moment?
i think that was the first time i answered a question with the phrase "because i said so"

what current commercial do you find the most annoying/funny?
ha! the new taco bell commercials are hilarious! "i am de lime..."

it you could only eat one color food for the rest of your life what would that be?
i think brown would work for me. i'm big into protein, beans and meat are brown and so is a&w root beer(my weakness)

what is your current facebook/myspace/twitter status?
facebook/myspace : is restringing her air guitar...
twitter: quote of the day: today is one of those days where i have to laugh... crying would take too long.

f, marry, kill from the list below. women pick from the men, men pick from the women.

• snookie(from jersey shore), ellen degeneres, betty white
• regis philbin, justin bieber, perez hilton
  

hmm... f perez hilton, because he's probably never been with a real woman. marry regis philbin, because duh! he probably spoils his wife. he just seems to have that kind of a personality. and lastly, kill justin bieber, because he's young enough that someday the girl could end up with a crush on him and we just can't have that! i know she's only 4yrs old, but she's already been informed that she can't date until she's married *wink*

so there it is...

thanks to our host ian at the daily dose of reality! hope you all have a great week! it can only get better from here... i hope!

on hiatus

*sigh*

so my brain, she is on hiatus this week. i'm not sure when she'll be coming back. i'm not really sure why either. stress, hormones, the need to be introverted or some other random thing i'm just not thinking about. of course, thinking about any one thing for very long is just too hard for me today. plus, it adds to this wicked headache i've been having for the last 3 days.

i'm sure i'll have more to say later, but the whole thinking thing it not working right now. *rubs temples*

monday minute: what if...

so i'm kinda liking this monday minute business. it's giving me a chance to address different things that i would probably never think to mention. here it is again...



1.who is your "what-if" person?
(What-if person being what if I married this person or am now in a relationship with "this" person)
what if, what if, what if... i guess i can't really choose a specific person. i've had a few relationships that i could say "what if i was still with so-and-so?" but looking back at my life i think more along the lines of "what if i didn't continue that relationship?"

2. what is your nickname?
hmm... other than people calling me babe or mama, i hear 'mommy' all the time. some days i love to hear it and other days i want to change my name. but i think every mom goes through that sooner or later.

3. if you could choose how you would died, how would you like to die?
warm in my bed when i'm old a gray. after i've lived my life and told my stories.

4. if you could have named yourself, which name would you have picked?
probably catherine or samantha, i always liked those names, and everyone always spells mine wrong.

5. who were you named after or for what reason did your parents choose your name?
i wasn't named after anyone, but i was almost named after both of my grandmothers. so my name would have been sarah tiffany. i know tiffany isn't a traditional name, really, but my grandmother's name on my dad's side is epiphania(tiffany in english).

for a monday 'minute', this sure took me a lot longer than a minute to answer today... geeze... where's my focus?! has anybody seen it??


thanks to our host ian at the daily dose of reality!

even in pictures, apparently

huh... well, i had a whole post formulating in my head this morning, but then i read this and then pretty much LOST IT... like full on panic attack/i think i'm gonna puke... LOST IT!

i have a completely irrational fear of snakes. completely. irrational. fear. so in my neuroses, just the sight (even in pictures, apparently) sends me over the edge and my whole body rebels on me. why? idk... i have no f*ing clue why something like a simple picture can have such a profound effect on me.

crazy much?! why, yes and thank you for noticing... ugh!

so now i've snarfed down cookies and donut holes thinking that it would settle my stomach and... yeah... now i'm gonna feel like puking for the rest of the day. yay me!

now, don't get me wrong... i [heart] A Vapid Blonde! she makes me giggle, often. so if you get a chance to drop in, tell her cali sent you and blow her some big wet kisses from me k :)

*DEEP BREATHE*

shew! i think i feel better now... though still a little light headed...

monday minute: still anonymous

ok, so i decided i'd try something new... mostly because it's NEW, and who doesn't love new stuff?! and also, because the button has yoda on it, so have i must!



what's your real name? sorry cats and dolls, as this is an anonymous blog, that would kinda defeat the purpose, ya know. BUT you can call me cali :)

have you ever fabricated a story or anything on your blog? nope, that's just not my style. everything you read here is real.

when in the car do you listen to the radio/CDs/ipod etc? it depends on what cds are accessible and if i can find anything GOOD on the radio.

describe the 'sexist' item of clothing you own. hmm... that's a good one. i'd have to say this chinese dress that my mom(of all people) bought me. it's silk brocade with a mandarin collar and it goes down to my ankles, but the slit up the side goes almost up to my hip. ooh la la!

would you be willing to breastfeed your friend's three year old child? ha! NO... for a few reasons. a) hello! it's not my kid. b) 3year olds have teeth and c) by age 1 children should be drinking from cups and eating real food.


thanks to our lovely co-host michelle! you can find her at mommy loves stilettos.

so random: frustration

ok... there has been way too much crap this week. when i say crap i don't mean 'stuff', i mean 'dookie'. and so, i am beyond frustrated with pretty much everything right now...

random fact #1: i had a really good talk last weekend and was pretty much glowing from it. now i know more and understand more. this is good and it's bad. the frustrating part is the non-communication since then. *sigh* all in time i guess...

also, this is why my facebook status says: sometimes in life, you can't say some things out loud... SEND HINTS!!

random fact #2: my son's dad got back from iraq last weekend. so the boy has been with him since monday afternoon. i've been pretty angry with him for not making any kind of effort to contact the boy while away. i'm really hoping that he makes it up to him now that he's back.

random fact #3: i had a fender bender on wed morning on the way to work. it wasn't my fault, but the cop was still a total d* about it. i guess i have a negative effect on female cops... ugh!

random fact #4: it's getting to be high time that i start making some more decisions in my life. grrr... but i don't want to be a responsible adult right now. i know! waaaahhh...

random fact #5: apparently, i'm getting really good at making hot chocolate come out of my nose. thought you should know, it kinda hurts.

anywho, hope you all have a great weekend! at this point, anything is an improvement on this craptastic week...

upside-down and backwards

dude! seriously!! i think i'm losing it... or maybe i just have medicine head kinda, a little bit, maybe... stupid sinus meds!

*sigh*

things are weird right now.

like... there's... there's... ugh! (deep breath)

there's STUFF going on. i know, i know, i'm so freaking descriptive! i'd be all about letting the awesomeness shine through, if i knew where to start. *sigh*
my head is so upside-down and backwards that i can't even seem to figure out a status thingy to post on facebook. yeah... i'm cool...

i'm happy, i'm confused, i'm frustrated, i'm worried and all kinds of other stuff allatthesametime.
geeze! i wish i could read people's minds sometimes... or maybe if i could just learn to communicate a little bit better.

ok, so... we've established the fact that i'm having a hard time focusing today. i'm def a little 'goldfish-y'. i have so much in my head. this is one of those days that i wish i could dump it all out like a game of 52 pick up and sort through all the cards. which ones go on top? which ones do i discard?

ooh, ooh... i figured it out! my status shall be:
when the ones we love are in trouble, we step up and do what needs to be done to help them, no matter how it affects us... <3

well, there's one thing i figured out for the day... yay me!! on to the next 5 million things that need to be worked on. wish me luck!!

seeking clarity

"well, i guess i'll have to cancel my sailboat ride to israel..." ~funny quote from a friend.
i know it's supposed to have to do with the current news, but i thought it was a funny thing to say.

today... today is monday. also, it's memorial day. i think we've already established that i hate mondays. mondays are usually when i try to get my head on straight about the weekend that i just had.

this weekend falls in the 'odd' category. *sigh* i'm kinda back to being conflicted about things. i see things. i do things. i want things.
i'm looking for something like a sign to tell me what direction to go in. i'm trying to figure out what is worth pursuing. and if it is worth pursuing, then what's the right way to do that? what path do i take?

recently i have been tested and on some level, i think i have more clarity concerning some things in my life. i know that i have lost focus for a bit. i'm trying to gain that back. i know that i am the only one that knows my wants and needs. and that i need to make them clear to all parties concerned, because how else are they going to know, unless i tell them?

anyway, happy memorial day!! don't forget to thank a vet :)

so random: confessions... and other stuff

short conversation between me and the boy the other day:
him: "i don't have to wear sunglasses, the sun doesn't hurt my eyes"
me: "it does mine"
him: "probly 'cause you're oooooold"
me: "oh, thanks"

*sigh* geeze... there's nothing like your 7yr old son to point out that you're getting older... say "goodbye confidence"
most days i still try and hang on to the fact that i'm still in my 20s, but having a kid that just finished 2nd grade doesn't help matters.

i always have so much going on in this head of mine, that sometimes i just need to get it all out...

random fact #1: i'm feeling very introverted and a little cranky today. i feel like i'm still trying to grab onto something to pull myself up by... it's like there is that 'thing' that is right there in front of me that i can't see and i can't quite reach. i'm working on it though.

random fact #2: sometimes i fake it... not THAT(faking THAT would be a disservice to myself, kwim?). i mean that i fake 'happy' sometimes. like right now... unless, i've talked to you personally or you've read some of my recent posts, then you wouldn't know that things aren't going super awesome in my life.
people post depressing statuses on facebook and myspace all the time, but to me that's kinda dumb. no one else REALLY cares if you're absolutely miserable or brokenhearted or depressed, only people that truly care about you do that. plus, there is that whole thing where i don't like everyone (meaning my 340something fb friends) knowing all my business, except for you guys... but even then, i don't over-share.

random fact #3: my now 4yr old daughter has taken up residence in my bed at night. this wouldn't be so much of an issue for me, if i didn't sleep with my laptop...
yes, i sleep with my laptop in the bed... *sigh*
it started out that i would just fall asleep with it on. it's gotten to a point now that i've actually made a specific music playlist to sleep to. i know! i'm addicted, but there are way worse things to be addicted to, so there's that.

random fact #4: i'm quickly going blond, not on purpose though. what i really want is blond highlights and pink panels underneath. i had them for a day, but they washed out. i'm not really sure why. it's possible that my stylist didn't let the pink process long enough, because they were supposed to be permanent.
i've decided not to go back to the dark brunette that i had in the fall and winter, but only because it messed with my confidence a little bit. the blond seems to fit my personality a lot better, or at least that's what i've been told.

random fact #5: i don't like it when chicks come-on to me. in fact, i've decided that it really weirds me out, like bad.

random fact #6: i hate confrontation. like seriously!! i'm a puss until i've been pushed to my breaking point. i've been told so many times that i'm just too nice. i guess it's because i try to have patience with people, because you never know what they are really going though or what they may be struggling with.

i think that's all for now, but maybe more later...

in the middle

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. everything, everything will be just fine. everything will be alright... ~jimmy eat world

remember that song? it's kinda from back in the day(2001) almost 10 years ago. i heard it the other day on the radio and got a little nostalgic.

this was an odd weekend. not odd in the things that happened really, but odd in where my head is at. i think the fact that i haven't had nearly enough sleep is messing with my head. i think it's kinda messing with my confidence too. *sigh* i try so hard to stay out of this funk, but it doesn't always work.
i woke up this morning kinda just 'over it'. i'm over the struggle. this single mom stuff is not easy. and things just keep getting dropped in my lap.
my situation is def not ideal. in fact there are some days that i just want to escape from it all. today is a day like that, when i kinda feel like crying.
it's weird! i really don't get it. i'm usually stronger than this. i just know that i'm tired and don't want to deal with anyone else's crap today.

i've also noticed recently that i have people in my life that have become some what parasitic. this is bad. i'm starting to feel kinda used and i really don't like it.

i know that i need to take better care of myself right now. i feel like i'm running out, not sure of what, but just running out of something. i need to recharge. i need to feed my soul. i need to be petted and taken care of.

so random: fawk you friday!!

"sometimes i aim to please... but mostly, i shoot to kill... " hahahaha...

h*lls yeah!!

it's fawk you friday again!! and i'm feeling snippy today :D

i'm in a great mood, but i'm tired from the weeks previous events of non fun. i haven't had nearly enough sleep to get ready for this weekend. so the smart*ssery is strong today...



so, today i say...

fawk you cancer!! i've beat you, i know others can too!!
fawk you crazy bullsh*t that i shouldn't have to be dealing with right now!!
fawk you to the sorry waste of space that hurt my little girl!!
fawk you insomnia!!
fawk you night terrors!! we're gonna beat you!!
fawk you negativity!!
fawk you people who tell other people how to live their lives!!

ahhh... i feel better now. how about you??

btw, happy friday!! i'm def doing my friday dance... gettin down with some dirty heads today :)

thanks to our gracious host at boobies, babies, and a blog.

so random: fawk you friday!!

oh wow!!

this is a whole new concept for me... eep!

i'm not usually one to be all pissy on fridays. on the contrary, i love fridays! i love the idea that i don't have to go to work or even take off my pajamas if i don't want to.

hehe... but you all know that i'm always trying to do something fun!



so, today i say...

fawk you cancer!!
fawk you jerks that can't get off your high horse to help babies!
fawk you insomnia!!
fawk you anxiety!!
fawk you negativity!!
fawk you coward that is the girl's father!!

p.s. here is a better explanation for how this came about than i could give you.

going swimming...

ok seriously?!?

i think i must have mommy brain today! i totally just had to get out the day planner to figure out what the h* i've been doing the last idk how many days...

ooooohhh...

i see what happened...

the boy stayed with his stepmother for the weekend. so friday was a quiet night at home. just me and the girl. in other words, i was in bed at a decent hour. yay sleep!!

saturday was when everything got a little crazy.

the girl and i had a great day! we spent part of it ransacking the kidlets room and getting some spring cleaning done.
in the afternoon we got our nails done and went shopping. she loves getting her nails painted at the nail shop, it's such a treat.

saturday night lb and i went to fr's show. i couldn't tell you how long it's been since lb and i have had an actually night out together.
we danced, we drank, and we even watched the lead singer do this lifeguard move to pull some random girl off of fr. i'm still laughing about that...

there were a few little hiccups in the night, but it ended with a smile :)

so random: insomnia

aaaaaahhhh... i got nothin'...

random fact #1: i got 4 inches cut off my hair (and bangs and layering)on monday. and how insignificant am i? no one noticed...

random fact #2: the runner for the lawyers office that we do work with brought me a dead bird today. weird!! in his defense, he wasn't sure if it was dead. he watched it fall from somewhere and hit the sidewalk. still weird.

random fact #3: i sent a link to this here blog to some one important to me and i'm not really sure what to think about the response. f* you anxiety!!

random fact #4: the non sleep a.k.a. insomnia is back! last night i was up at 2am for no particular reason. so i did laundry and cleaned my kitchen. and now here i am, it's after 1am. yay me!

if this keeps up, i'm thinking i see some late night baking in my future... again.

i think i've got these pumpkin muffins down pat, plus the modifications for apple and pear. maybe now i'll start working on banana bread, either that or i'll try working on that baked french toast again. i did see a nice recipe for chocolate cake, but like i need chocolate cake around the house...

ugh! oh well, i'll figure something out.

hermit-ish

so i kinda suck at keeping up with the writing lately... sorry!

i want to write. i have things to write about, really i do. i just have so much on my plate as of late that i can't seem to get it right.
i'm conflicted about a lot of things right now. it occurred to me that my usual approach is to just ride it out and see what happens *sigh* but for some reason, i'm letting myself get stressed over it. stress and my health don't really get along so well, so i'm going to do my best to just chill the h* out. maybe i'll be a little hermit-ish this week. maybe cook something new... or old. maybe bake a little.



p.s. i had a really great weekend, but that's where some of my conflict comes from. i may post about it later.

like a dang super ball

geeze o' pete!!

I. CANNOT. CONCENTRATE!!

idk what my problem is... i've gotten a ton of stuff accomplished at work, but my brain has been bouncing around like a dang super ball. i can't seem to get my thoughts and stuff in order.

i suppose it could be that my brain is stuck somewhere between last weekend and this coming weekend...

last weekend was just... WOW, just WOW!

friday i had dinner with one of my girlies. it was so good to see her and catch up. we used to go to church together years and years ago. good food, good conversation and a good glass of wine... my kind of night!
it didn't hurt that i was at home and in bed at a decent hour either. lately, it seems that i have a ton of energy during the day, but am insanely tired at night. not sure why... so yay for sleep!

this is the point in my post where i tilt my head slightly and giggle just a little bit...

so... yeah, text messages at 3am and 2 phone calls later... and i was making plans to go down to atlanta for the night, saturday night.

CRAZY! i know!!

i had actually talked myself out of it by 4pm saturday, because it was 3 hours one way and have i told you that i could seriously get lost in a paper bag? let alone atlanta, a city i'd never driven in.
i mentioned it to one of my girls. and POOF! we made plans at 7 and left my apt at 8. i still can't believe that we went. but hey, i've got pictures to prove it :)
we had so much fun! and the drive was def worth it...