how much you don't

do you ever wonder if you've ever truly been IN LOVE? i do.

i wonder about what it really is. is it real? or is it a figment of our imaginations? is it the same for everyone? is it something you just now? what if what one person thinks they feel is down the road and a left turn from what another thinks they feel? is being IN LOVE with someone just a chemical reaction in our brains? or is it something more?

i can speculate, but i don't really know if anyone has ever felt about me the way i have felt about the one person that i can't forget. how do you know?
i never could understand how one person can just pick up and throw away all the time and effort that they have invested in another. there is so much conflict involved.

i don't think any of this makes sense at the moment. these are just things in my head.

i've had one of those days today that i didn't realize how sideways things were until my eyes started burning from all of the tears i'd cried. i don't even know how i would tell you about it all or where i would start.

my heart aches in so many ways and i'm pulled in so many directions that i'm honestly surprised that i haven't completely broken yet.

it's a weird feeling to realize how much you don't mean to so many people.

most of the time

... or heels or pajamas or naked or whatever. life is just better. in a way, better than it has been in a long time.

i'm really liking the way things are going, not always but most of the time. i'm healthy, my babies are healthy and i don't have much to b*tch about these days. i am content with that.
work is going well. i stay crazy busy, but my oil rig guys are good to me. the caterer only brings me in for the big jobs since i can only work weekends, so i get to be off this weekend. it's been nice to have the time to catch up on life just a bit.
it's been nice to have someone to kiss goodnight lately. he's been trying to get me off coffee and we all know that's probably not gonna happen. it's cute to listen to him try though. my favorite is when we slide down his wood floors in our socks.

so maybe life is better in socks...

let's

today is just weird. i have a calm that i wasn't expecting to have. i think that's what happens when my brain is finally telling my heart to take a step back and listen to the things that are going on around me.

i'm constantly learning about human nature and how people work. it turns out that most people are just as screwed up as i am. it's comforting in a way.

haha

my new favorite tshirt! thought i'd share... haha

hope you're all having a fantastic week! happy tuesday :)

people ask me

people ask me all the time why i'm single. i'm cute, i'm fun to be around, i cook, i take good care of the kidlets, i'm family oriented and i work hard. apparently these things are attractive.

my only answer is that i have high standards and shrug at them. i date, i meet new people all the time, but there just isn't the connection. maybe it's that i'm not enough drama or prissy and girly and helpless? i have no idea.
there are plenty of guys that are smitten, but I guess if i'm that intimidating to ones that i'm actually attracted to, i don't want that anyway.

wanting and having

"or you can come home"     a very sweet man said that to me today.

hmm...

it had not occurred to me to turn around and go back to tennessee at this point. i know i'm still needed here. my grandma is still in hospice and my mother is getting ready to go out of the country for a couple of weeks.

life seems to always be full of decisions, decisions, decisions. where there is love, there is not a life to live; where there is a life, there is nothing more than a strong affection. i think i was happy to leave those types of decisions behind me. though, i suppose, by coming here i made a decision to accept being alone.
i believe i still struggle with that one.

i can want and wish and hope, but it seems that wanting and having never seem to overlap. though, lately they have gotten awfully close.


oh! a piece of happy news:

mg is getting married. i couldn't be more excited for her! her fiance is so good to her and her daughter. she deserves so much happiness!

so random: strong

strong woman cry behind closed doors, fight battles that most are unaware of and judge themselves, not others.

random fact #1: i got my feelings hurt friday night; that's right, i'm not made of stone. instead of standing up for myself and making it known, i just went along like everything was fine. i just let it go. i didn't want to ruin things.
in a way though, maybe i AM ruining things. maybe allowing this person to think that i'm just ok with things the way that they are is doing myself a disservice. ugh. i'm sure that i'm probably just over thinking it and i'll be fine tomorrow. i'm just being oversensitive and letting my vulnerability show.

gotta work on that vulnerability thing.

random fact #2: i finally found myself a job. i'm pretty excited about it, like in a big way. i feel like i've been looking foreeeeeeever. finally i'll be able to get back with a more normal routine.

random fact #3: i've lost 11lbs since i moved here. crazy, right? well, i've been trying to take better care of myself. i'm so over the pain, the headaches, the random bruising and the blood pressure issues. so i started getting a lot more physical and eating cleaner. when you don't have people looking at you like you're insane for wanting to take better care of yourself, it's easy.
i stopped eating gluten all together and that seems to have had a positive affect on my digestion. yay for a happy tummy!
i now work out/walk/cardio at least 4-5 days a week. now this has made a HUGE difference. i feel stronger and happier and more alert. yay endorphins!!

random fact #4: i stopped drinking. that might fall under the losing weight thing, but i think it deserves to have it's own line/category. i don't have to drink to have a good time, i never have.
after giving it quite a bit of thought, i've realized that i have a tendency to use alcohol as something to make me forget or as an escape. i also use it to curb my anxiety. it's fun when it's a social lubricant, but only in moderation.

i also want to be supportive of others around me that have stopped drinking recently.

random fact #5: gator boy and i watched the tennessee vs. florida game together today. we went to a sports bar in town and ate bar food. it was a great time! i missed having someone to do stuff like that with.
living in tennessee, i never lacked for company or someone to go do something with. not that i do now, but i prefer the company of gb over most others. some days gb and mg are the only 2 people in the world that i want to hear from, aside from the kidlets of course.

so that's it for me, for now.

it's funny; before, on a saturday night after a game, i would be somewhere in something short and great shoes listening to live music. now, i'm at home in pajama pants and monkey slippers (still great shoes) listening to pandora. it seems like it was another world sometimes, but we can reminisce about life another day.

sending you big hugs and dreams of butterflies!

voila!

sooooo... i just read that last post and man! was i a mess and half?!

*wrapping my arms around you all and hugging you tight*

hi! i've missed you!!

i'm sorry that i've been gone so long from this space, MY space. i forget that that's what it is sometimes. i forget that i can write whatever i want here. welp, that's gonna change.

*settles in to the pillows*

as you all know, i did that whole cannonball thing. it's working out even better than i expected. it just took me a bit to get the ins and outs of it all figured out. it turns out that for things to be 'just right' for me, i have to mix some of the old with some of the new and VOILA! it's balanced the way it should be.

i truly have some of the best friends and our friendships keep getting better.

and the one that makes my heart all a flutter... yeah, he's still amazing and wonderful! can you believe it's been over 2 years since he and i started this dance?!

mmm... more to come, much more :)

those things were real

why? just why?

why does this have to hurt so much?

why does missing someone have to hurt?

tonight, i cry.

tonight, i have pain and can't eat. why is this? what makes tonight any different than any other night in the last 6 weeks? is it the moon? is it some other factor?

maybe it's that i've had so much on my plate, that as i clear these things it makes more time for my gears to turn about things that i would rather forget...

yes, i said forget.

it's easier to try and forget than it is to try and make sense.

the day to day things, they make sense. it's the other things that lie under the surface that don't.

sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind.

but then, i go back and read and know that that's not the case.

those memories really happened. those words were really said. those emotions were really felt. those things were real.

in the end, no matter how we try to fill the void, it's still a void.

i've been hearing pretty words, but from the wrong people. for some reason, that hurts more than not hearing them at all.

maybe i've stepped to far outside of my comfort zone too fast...

i've moved and i'm starting a new job monday morning, but i find myself longing for those other things that have been somewhat of a constant in my life for so long. that's not wrong is it?

*sigh*

one

the one...

the be all, end all of your very existence; that which we spend our whole lives looking for; the missing half of our souls.

what makes somebody THE ONE??

the way i see it, somebody can't be your ONE if you're not their ONE, right?

but how do you know? is it timing? is it a notion that just hits you one day?

what if you never find that person? does it mean they still exist? or what if you've found them, but neither of you ever realize it? what then?

*sigh*

perhaps we'll never know...

this positive feeling

the course of true love never did run smooth ~ william shakespeare

i had every intention of making this post into a 'so random', but then started my media player and decided against it.

things have been rough the last few months, but i truly feel like they are starting to get better. this positive feeling is due to a lot of things.

i started a new job last week. i don't know if i had realized that i had even applied for it. i got called on monday to interview tuesday and was offered the job within the first 10min of the interview. it was crazy. they told me that i had all of the qualifications that they had been looking for. i filled out paper work that wednesday and started training that thursday. that's it. and i totally love my job and the people that i work with!

in other news: i finally got my car back today after having to have extensive work done to it. it turns out that someone had been siphoning gas out of my gas tank and had messed up the fuel pump. and that was just a week after getting it back from having the power steering pump and a bunch of other stuff replaced.

in other other news: my mom is coming to visit next month for like a week. i'm so excited about that. i haven't seen her since she was here last summer.

i've been incredibly home sick and have actually considered moving back home to california. i don't really know why now, but it's something that her and i are going to discuss when she's here.

the best part: my time with fr has become more consistent and meaningful lately. this makes me happy. i love it when we get to just talk and carry on about life.

oh, how that man makes me laugh... he's nothing less than amazing!

*dreamy grin* i love it when he sings to me and sways with me :)

lifelines

when you think your world is falling down around you, that's when your lifelines come to pick your spirit up. this is why i love my wonderful friends. they give me strength when i have none left.

text messages, a phone call and a surprise visit have made my week a lot brighter than it was. i'm a lucky girl to have people who truly care about me in my life!

flashbacks

bad day. really, really bad day.

overwhelmed is not a good look for me. i'm not really sure what triggered it. it could be the majorly disjointed sleep or the rain. it could be any number of things that are pressing in on my little bubble.

i've been having these 'memories' for the last few days. they're like lost dreams on the tip of your consciousness. i've been trying to figure out what they were. it finally hit me today. i'm having flashbacks, flashbacks of the bad stuff. and now i can't stop crying.

i'm not what people think i am.

yes, i am a girl with a smile and a hug for everyone. and yes, i love unconditionally. i am strong and i am capable. but i am also alone.

i am always fun to be around and i always try to be there for friends and family in their time of need. but at the end of the night or even before it starts, all i want is to be snuggled up on the couch or in my bed. i don't want to be around all of those people. on some level it freaks me out.

i guess a lot of it comes down to fear. i'm afraid of so much. i do everything that i can to protect those that are close to me, esp the kidlets. but who does that for me?

the only person that has offered me any kind of real tenderness, as in a shoulder or a hug, as of late has decided to be MIA since saturday night for some reason unknown to me.

maybe that's my fault.

i hate this. i hate feeling like this. i thought i was doing so well and finally getting back to being ME. now, i don't know. i hope that this rolls out with the tide.

like a pendulum

"she deserves the 3 'R's. the river, the revolver or the roof. that's what the mob lived by. seems to work for them." ~something mg said in a text today. ha! that girl cracks me up!!

life swings like a pendulum. sometimes its good and sometimes it's hard and confusing. last week, things made more sense. today? not so much. things tend to go all sideways after a bit. and, so i wait. patience is sometimes all i have.

structure

*twirls in a circle* weeeeeeeeeeee!!

geeze... i don't know where to start.

it seems like there is so much going on and it's hard to keep up. but then, sometimes it seems like there is nothing going on and my mind wanders. i feel like i have no structure unless it's the weekend. the weekends have their own routine, but the rest really doesn't.

socially things are going swimmingly. it's been nice to have lunches with the girls and shopping and just general good times with good friends. i'm really starting to like this thing that my life is becoming since my horrid divorce.

i know i was going somewhere with that, but my mom just called and got me all side tracked. she does that sometimes.

we talked about life, mostly mine. also, we talked about my trip. i was planning on taking a trip to see her and the family and to hit vegas with my cousin while i was out that way.

well, after talking to my cousin, we've decided to put that on hold for a while. jobs, money and life are in the way right now. it's just not a good time to take a trip for either of us. and really, i'm not upset about it. there will be plenty of other chances to go another time.

plus, there are heart shaped things that i'm not willing to leave behind right now.

in other news: i'm taking better care of myself. i'm eating better and exercising more. the nice weather we've been having isn't hurting either. i am so happy to be able to go to my regular walking track.

in other other news: it's monday and i'm not on the verge of tears! yay!! monday hates me and usually makes it known. maybe we make this a trend? i think it def helps that i have things to look forward to this week :)

here's something kinda sexy, the color of day by remy shand. i hope you all have a stellar week!!

calmly and rationally

i love and am loved. <----- that is an awesome feeling!!

sometimes it's complicated. some people just don't get it. well, ya know what? i don't expect them to. nothing i do is ever easy. that's just the way it is.

i'm a grown up. as much as i don't want to be, it's true. i am a mother and have normal responsibilities. i pay my own bills and make my own decisions. i think that that entitles me the ability to define my relationships however i like. don't you?

*steps down from soap box*

*deep breath*

ahh... i feel much better now.

so how is everybody? i know this whole hit and miss thing that i've been doing lately is becoming the norm. i'm not sure if i'm ok with that. i miss blogging. i swear i've been meaning to get these posts out, but there are just so many things that have been going on.

things have a tendency to turn all pear shaped all of a sudden and i can't tell you which end is up. i have much confusion these days. not so much because of my own emotions, but because of how what others do can have such a profound effect on them.

i'm trying to work through everything calmly and rationally. ha! have you known me to be calm OR rational?! i know, i know... but i'm trying!

in other news: the snow is gone! did you hear me?!

the. snow. IS. GONE!!!

it's actually been in the 50s and 60s this week. i am almost too happy for words to wear my flip flops outside!

i hope you all have loverly weekend!! ...i know i'm hoping to :)

la la land

ok, so... i swear i'm not trying to be a hermit... well, maybe i am, but not on purpose. i've had several people message or call me to make sure that i'm still alive. love you guys for checking on me!

i'm here! i just get busy or am off in la la land or some combination of the 2. also, you can almost always find me on the twitter. that's about the only thing i really keep up with lately.

apparently, i can't focus to save my life today! i had a ton of stuff to write about and then i got distracted and it all flew away...

i love the way my brain works! ...sometimes.

well, here's something fun to listen to today mouth by bush... mostly because it's um.. hot! enjoy!

so random: lellow jewwy beans

with a twinkle in her eye "mommy! i have a lellow jewwy bean in my mouf right now!" <--- the girl said this while her and the boy were eating frozen yogurt today at froyoz. she was so excited and matter of fact about it. it was hilarious! totally made me giggle.

random fact #1: i went to a ladies luncheon today with sg. it was one of those lunches where the host is trying to get you to buy into whatever they're selling. it was interesting. the product was this anti-aging stuff that's made by the same people who make pro active.

since when did i get old enough to think about anti-aging products? and who the h* let this happen?!

last i check, i don't even turn 30 until NEXT october... *sigh*

random fact #2: i look like i have old lady hands. this cold weather wreaks havoc on my skin moisture-wise, so in the wrong light my hands look way older than they are. i'm def gonna have to work on this!

random fact #3: the boy got 9 'As' and 2 'Bs' on his report card this time around. i'm so proud of him! he had a tough time keeping up last year, but he's really stepped his game up this year and it shows.

as a reward i bought him a book that he's been wanting and took him to a movie. he and i don't get much time together without the girl, so he loved it.

random fact #4: i cut my hair back in october. i know, old news... but i've had major anxiety over it ever since. it really was like cutting off a limb or something like that. to give you an idea of what i'm talking about, it was almost down to my waste and now (months later) it hits about an inch or so past my collar bone.

random fact #5: have i mentioned that i hate the snow? 'cause i do. with the fore of a thousand suns. i'm so over the idea, concept and manifestation of the winter.

random fact #6: i'm finally getting more sleep. i'm not really sure what's changed other than things are kinda settling down a bit. i keep waiting for the anxiety to attack, but it doesn't attack as often. i'm sure that has a lot to do with the sleeping.

welp, i think that's all for now.

perhaps soon, i'll get back to a better posting schedule. i see this as a start :)

hope you all have a lovely weekend!!

hugs to you and big wet kisses!

wild animals

hey, hey!

hi! how are ya?

*high fives the guy over there*

yeah! so hey, thanks for coming!!

ha! i think i'm losing it?! like for real... *crosses and uncrosses eyes*

so the snow... *deep breathe* we have been snowed in off and on for the last 3 days. it's not been blizzard conditions or anything like that. it's just not been safe to drive in all this crap.

the schools have been closed and they open an hour late tomorrow. i hate to say it, but i'll be glad to get back to work and whatnot.

there is just something about not being able to get out of the house that makes children turn into wild animals. the stircrazy has taken over. and MY wild animals have just about made me pull my hair out.

like this, but with snow...

have i told you how much i hate the snow?! as far as i'm concerned this snow can take a freakin hike!!

i'm working on it

being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. ~lao tzu

this quote apparently has been all over twitter and of course ended up on my facebook page...

i'm up way past my bedtime, but i'm watching my beautiful little girl sleep.

anywho, i was reading through these posts from when i took my little break.(i have 8 of them, by the way) one day when the dust has settled and cleared, i will post them. in these posts i talk about things that have happened that have had such an effect on me that they've in part changed the way that i think about life.

i was happy before. i mean, i've always been happy fundamentally, but i was really loving life. i want to get back to that. i'm working on it.

in other news: i had an amazing new years! this was the first time in 10yrs that i got to dress up and got to go out on the town. it was nice to put on a party dress and see what all the excitement was about.

in other other news: text messages and late night conversations happened...

remember that thing i said was over? well, it's kinda not. then again, it might be... idk. *sigh* there is much conversation that still needs to happen, but i know that i'm just not ready to close the door yet.

more on that later, i suppose.