A reason to start over new

I had such grand plans. Maybe not grand plans, but little plans to start over. 

When I moved back to California, it was in part for my grandma who was dying and part for getting away from scary situations. I had some tiny glimmer of hope to start over new. I'm convinced a new life doesn't exist in this place. The loss of hope is a hard and scary thing. 

My hope is hiding. It's in another town in another state where people are nice and life is less expensive. 

how much you don't

do you ever wonder if you've ever truly been IN LOVE? i do.

i wonder about what it really is. is it real? or is it a figment of our imaginations? is it the same for everyone? is it something you just now? what if what one person thinks they feel is down the road and a left turn from what another thinks they feel? is being IN LOVE with someone just a chemical reaction in our brains? or is it something more?

i can speculate, but i don't really know if anyone has ever felt about me the way i have felt about the one person that i can't forget. how do you know?
i never could understand how one person can just pick up and throw away all the time and effort that they have invested in another. there is so much conflict involved.

i don't think any of this makes sense at the moment. these are just things in my head.

i've had one of those days today that i didn't realize how sideways things were until my eyes started burning from all of the tears i'd cried. i don't even know how i would tell you about it all or where i would start.

my heart aches in so many ways and i'm pulled in so many directions that i'm honestly surprised that i haven't completely broken yet.

it's a weird feeling to realize how much you don't mean to so many people.

most of the time

... or heels or pajamas or naked or whatever. life is just better. in a way, better than it has been in a long time.

i'm really liking the way things are going, not always but most of the time. i'm healthy, my babies are healthy and i don't have much to b*tch about these days. i am content with that.
work is going well. i stay crazy busy, but my oil rig guys are good to me. the caterer only brings me in for the big jobs since i can only work weekends, so i get to be off this weekend. it's been nice to have the time to catch up on life just a bit.
it's been nice to have someone to kiss goodnight lately. he's been trying to get me off coffee and we all know that's probably not gonna happen. it's cute to listen to him try though. my favorite is when we slide down his wood floors in our socks.

so maybe life is better in socks...

i did that

ha. i did that!
... i didn't steal anything. i ran! i did my first 5k last month with a couple of my girlies and it was amazing!!! i can't wait for my next one.
these days i run anywhere between 20 and 30 miles a week and i feel great. as with the natural progression of fitness, i've tried a lot of different types of workouts; yoga, crossfit, hiit and now i've started weightlifting. i'm diggin' it! i like the variety and to challenge myself.

in other news: i started a new job about a month ago for a local construction company as a bookkeeper. i'm pretty excited about it. i decided to keep my job with the caterer, so i work 6 and 7 days a week. working as much as i do and going to the gym as much as i do and taking care of my family keeps me pretty busy. busy is good for me.
as always, there are things and people that pop up and throw a wrench into my machine, but things are going pretty smoothly. there are people that i miss from my old life, but i know that they weren't meant to progress with me to this point.
new friendships, old friendships and maybe even a budding relationship... i'm feeling pretty blessed to have these people in my life. i'm not always happy, but i'm getting there.

unconditional

visited grandma and grandpa yesterday. breaks my heart every time. if you're lucky enough to find someone to LOVE you unconditionally, scoop them up and hold on tight with both hands and never take that love for granted ♥

let's

today is just weird. i have a calm that i wasn't expecting to have. i think that's what happens when my brain is finally telling my heart to take a step back and listen to the things that are going on around me.

i'm constantly learning about human nature and how people work. it turns out that most people are just as screwed up as i am. it's comforting in a way.

his

... and his is the same... hehe...

turning the page and turning the page and turning the page...

sigh. all sorts of amazing, wonderful, unexpected things happen when you decide that you deserve more than what you've accepted for so long.

looking back

funny how that works...

no matter how hard we try to look ahead, we still find ourselves looking back.

i am everything you would ever need. you were just too arrogant to notice.

haha

my new favorite tshirt! thought i'd share... haha

hope you're all having a fantastic week! happy tuesday :)

the next thing

life is funny...

one day you're just going along in one direction and the next thing you know someone sweet is bringing you roses.

people ask me

people ask me all the time why i'm single. i'm cute, i'm fun to be around, i cook, i take good care of the kidlets, i'm family oriented and i work hard. apparently these things are attractive.

my only answer is that i have high standards and shrug at them. i date, i meet new people all the time, but there just isn't the connection. maybe it's that i'm not enough drama or prissy and girly and helpless? i have no idea.
there are plenty of guys that are smitten, but I guess if i'm that intimidating to ones that i'm actually attracted to, i don't want that anyway.

where

if you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders.

the dress

well, my darlings, here it is! the dress!
the gloves are soft pink and the shawl was bought at an auction. i'm told it was once owned by debbie reynolds. you can't see my pearl bracelet or my sapphire earrings, but they're there.

buying this gown was a nightmare, but only because buying anything formal off the rack isn't ideal when you're shaped more like an hourglass than a stick. this i had forgotten from so many years past. i used to buy them 2 sizes too big and have the waist and hips taken in. i chose this one, because it was a corset and could be cinched in.

in case you ever wondered, this is the lifestyle that i grew up in. formal gowns at least 4, but probably 6 or more times a year. this is part of the life of quiet smiles and obligation that i so quickly ran away from when i married at 19. and am now stepping ever so hesitantly back into.

anyway, the marine corps ball was a total blast! celebrating the 237th birthday of the u.s. marine corps was a pretty unique experience. i had a lot of fun with my boys.

my boys, that's what i call them. guys that i grew up with that treat me like their little sister. i really like that i have friends like that. they understand that friendships aren't always cut and dried and that relationships are never just black and white. my boys respect me and are always instinctively trying to protect me and they would drop what they were doing to help me if i needed it. it all fits together in that little sister package.

i think i missed that in tn. i missed being able to really trust people. it is getting easier to let my guard down a bit more with so much family and old friends around. letting my guard down isn't always a good thing, but i'm always learning and growing.

belief

i posted this on the 10th of oct, but i took it down because it hurt too much to leave it. now, i guess it doesn't matter.

i want so badly to believe that these old words spoken with new breath are true. i want to believe that this isn't fleeting. i want to believe that you weren't just caught up in the moment. i want to believe that i am what you want.

the important things are worth fighting for. you are worth fighting for.

angels and innocents

today is dia de los angelitos and tomorrow is dia de los muertos. these are the days that we honor our lost loved ones. the little angels, the innocents and those who have gone on before us. i love this tradition. remembering fondly is so much better than missing.

lately little nuggets of truth and revelations keep falling into my lap. this is not a bad thing. new friends, old friends and changing relationships. ups, downs and in betweens. love, loss and tears. all worth it. love and truth are always worth the tears.

anywho, my birthday turned out pretty great. my sister spent the weekend with me, my brother took me out to sushi, a sweet friend cooked me dinner, another friend brought me wine and another came over for hot toddies. i still have more celebrating to look forward to. tomorrow night is dinner and drinks, saturday is a wine tour with one of my best girls and sunday is dress shopping for the marine corp ball that i've been invited to next month.

cheers to a fabulous weekend my lovelies!

under a blanket

i can be sad about my birthday, right?

this is my last night as a 30yr old and i'm spending it on the couch under a blanket with a bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup. i think i'm doing it right, but i just wish that i wasn't doing it alone.

maybe tomorrow i'll treat myself to a soy latte at starbuck's.
happy birthday me.

the pieces

*scoops up pieces of broken heart*
*hands them to you*
here, go put this somewhere. i don't want it anymore.

i can't seem to hide my brokenness from you, like i can everyone else. i don't understand it and i certainly don't like it.

you're everything that i would want for myself, but can never have.

the stupid

i am apparently very accomplished at making of the stupid.

so let me tell you what *I* did last night...

i was invited out by one of my girlies to go to a gay club with her and her boyfriend. now this, this was fun!
it's nice to not having to deal with guys hitting on you all night. because y'all know that i can't stand mr. grabbyhands, mr. letmetrytotakeyouhome or mr. let'sgooutintheparkinglot. instead it was being told how fun and fabulous i am all night.

when i was headed home,  it hit me like a brick to the face that EVERYONE either had someone to go home with or go home to. except me. i was going home by myself. that's what good girls do, right?

well, it hurt. it hurt that i was going home to an empty bed. it hurt and i cried.

i've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how many blankets or pillows you have. blankets and pillows don't know how to snuggle. and me? i'm a snuggler. i'm not the type to have to be wrapped around someone to sleep, i just like the security of knowing that they're there. i know! i'm such a girl!!

sigh. i have a habit of texting when i get home to let certain important people know that i made it home safely. which, i did.
i also have a tendency to text mg what seems to be all of my crazy, she's part of my "girlfriend network". that group of girls that i trust to tell me when i'm being stupid or to stop me from making that phone call or sending that text.
well, remember, i was upset and crying.
my tear-filled eyes did not register that i had just texted gb about being home safe. i stupidly thought i had touched mg's icon, when of course i hadn't. so what did i do? i sent gb a text about him TO him. stupid, stupid, stupid!

no wonder people worry about me sometimes! i obviously can't even operate a smart phone correctly. ugh.

so that encompasses my stupid for the week, i hope. if you need me, i'll be hiding under this rock.

i have my fingers crossed for all of you, that your week is not going as sideways as mine.

but we do it

"you know that place between sleep and awake? that place where you still remember dreaming? that's where i'll always love you... peter pan. that's where i'll be waiting."

you can think that someone is so wonderful and amazing that you don't want to face them in your dreams, right?  i'm pretty sure that's why i didn't sleep last night. i was afraid.

accepting others' decisions isn't always easy, but we do it.  we do it, because we love them.

some people never understand what it is to truly love someone. it's giving without expectation. it's putting their needs and wants before your own. it's the need to protect them from the sad things in the world.
now, i'm not entirely selfless. i still have my bouts of jealousy, of anger, of confusion, of fear. i'm selfish and far from indestructible. but that doesn't mean that i stop loving.

i'm blessed to have the people that i have in my life. some are close, some are far away. i love them. that doesn't make me weak or broken. that makes me strong and confident. that makes me kind and tender. that makes me brave.

that twinkle in my eye? that's love, that's hope, that's knowing what i'm capable of. that's excitement for this adventure.

i'm still learning and growing. i like that about me.

wanting and having

"or you can come home"     a very sweet man said that to me today.

hmm...

it had not occurred to me to turn around and go back to tennessee at this point. i know i'm still needed here. my grandma is still in hospice and my mother is getting ready to go out of the country for a couple of weeks.

life seems to always be full of decisions, decisions, decisions. where there is love, there is not a life to live; where there is a life, there is nothing more than a strong affection. i think i was happy to leave those types of decisions behind me. though, i suppose, by coming here i made a decision to accept being alone.
i believe i still struggle with that one.

i can want and wish and hope, but it seems that wanting and having never seem to overlap. though, lately they have gotten awfully close.


oh! a piece of happy news:

mg is getting married. i couldn't be more excited for her! her fiance is so good to her and her daughter. she deserves so much happiness!