so random: fawk you friday!!

"sometimes i aim to please... but mostly, i shoot to kill... " hahahaha...

h*lls yeah!!

it's fawk you friday again!! and i'm feeling snippy today :D

i'm in a great mood, but i'm tired from the weeks previous events of non fun. i haven't had nearly enough sleep to get ready for this weekend. so the smart*ssery is strong today...



so, today i say...

fawk you cancer!! i've beat you, i know others can too!!
fawk you crazy bullsh*t that i shouldn't have to be dealing with right now!!
fawk you to the sorry waste of space that hurt my little girl!!
fawk you insomnia!!
fawk you night terrors!! we're gonna beat you!!
fawk you negativity!!
fawk you people who tell other people how to live their lives!!

ahhh... i feel better now. how about you??

btw, happy friday!! i'm def doing my friday dance... gettin down with some dirty heads today :)

thanks to our gracious host at boobies, babies, and a blog.

my breaking point : update

i am officially exhausted...

the last 3 nights have been rough. because the girl had been up so many times sunday night, she was exhausted monday. the only way that she could sleep was for me to hold her. i held her til 2am, dozing on and off and finally had to go crawl in bed. i didn't sleep long.
4:30am and i was UP and i wasn't happy about it. she was up shortly after that, so we got the day started. we leave the house before 7am on weekdays, so it wasn't too too much of a stretch.
last night i dozed on the couch on and off with her(that's the other thing, she wont sleep in her bed right now). she was only up 3 times, so that's progress. i was mostly awake and talked on the phone with co until 2am. (remind me to tell you about her one of these days... she's amazing! <3) i finally got in the bed sometime after 3am and was up by 5:30.

shew! today my eyes burn and my body is starting to feel heavy and sore. it's not even lunch time yet, and i'm going to have to put my hair up and get some more caffeine in me, quick!

my breaking point

deep breathe in... and out... deep breathe in... and out...

crying at work doesn't sound like a great idea right now, so i'm trying not to lose it today *sigh*

if any of you know me at all, then you know that the kidlets are the most important people in my life. i do everything that i can to protect them and shelter them from the whacked out sh*t that happens in life and the world in general. this is so hard sometimes...

yesterday was the girl's 4th birthday. we celebrated the way we usually celebrate birthdays in our house. mama cooks whatever you want including any kind of desert that you want and we have a quiet family day. so last night i made broccoli and beef for supper and we had strawberry banana shortcake for desert per the birthday girl's request.

we got half way through dessert, and my sweet girl started bawling. she couldn't understand why her father couldn't come to her 'birthday party'. my baby girl was hurting.

the heart of my heart had pain and sadness that i couldn't fix. i couldn't just kiss her booboo and make it all better. it was all i could do to not break down until the kidlets were in bed.

this sorry excuse for a human being called her to wish her a happy birthday earlier in the day. after being completely MIA for the last 2 months, he calls... OMG!! WTF!! are you f*cking kidding me?!?!
she didn't tell him she missed him or even that she loved him. no surprise there...

he's so selfish! he tried to sell me some line about how he felt like i thought it was a bad idea for him to see her anymore and it hurt his feelings. you're joking, right?! so because he got his 'feelings' hurt he just up and disappeared? because HIS feelings factor into what when it comes to what's right for my little girl??
no sh*t i don't think it's a good idea for him to see her! he's not stable and he wont stay on his meds. where is the draw here?? where's that thing within him that makes me want to trust him with my little girl?? i don't see it... do you??

needless to say, we had a pretty rough night. i don't even know how many times she woke up crying. i talked her into sleeping in my bed for a little while so i could hold her, but she still got up and roamed around.

i have never hated anyone in my life. but today, i know how it feels to hate. it makes me sick to my stomach. i am so angry!
i don't want to hate anybody. this is just beyond what i can handle. i have been pushed to my breaking point. so when i say i don't want to cry, it's angry tears i'm talking about.

so random: fawk you friday!!

oh wow!!

this is a whole new concept for me... eep!

i'm not usually one to be all pissy on fridays. on the contrary, i love fridays! i love the idea that i don't have to go to work or even take off my pajamas if i don't want to.

hehe... but you all know that i'm always trying to do something fun!



so, today i say...

fawk you cancer!!
fawk you jerks that can't get off your high horse to help babies!
fawk you insomnia!!
fawk you anxiety!!
fawk you negativity!!
fawk you coward that is the girl's father!!

p.s. here is a better explanation for how this came about than i could give you.

outside in the sunshine

today, i'm tired. like more tired than usual. i think i could have slept another 5 hours this morning instead of getting up.
this weekend was looooong, but not in a bad way. i just didn't get a lot of sleep, but that was mostly self inflicted. mostly.

friday night i went to fr's show. that was just a weird night. it ended good though, so yay for that!

saturday, i spent the day running around and shopping with the kidlets and my friends 15yr old daughter. that was def interesting. oh, to be 15 again...
saturday night was spent drinking wine and goofing off with rt. she's hilarious!

oh yeah, and yay for late night texting and phone calls before bed! those are the best :)

i spent sunday with the kidlets. it was so nice and relaxing. they played outside in the sunshine. i really think that all sundays should be like that.

also, i had some late night conversation that lasted til the wee hours of the morning. i think it was productive. *crosses fingers*

flashing gang signs

did you know that you have to empty the hot chocolate packet INTO the cup and then add water?? apparently my brain didn't engage that today... i got hot water and the packet just sat there on the counter. it was great!

i had a moment last night where, if i was actually looking at the words that i was hearing, i so would have done a double take... and not in a good way. i would have been shooting them dirty looks and flashing them gang sign.

things are not how i want them. not that i know how i want them to be RIGHT NOW... i know the direction that i want to travel. i have a vague idea of how i think things should end. i'm just not sure how i'm going to get there. on a boat, in a canoe, on foot, doing cartwheels... i have no clue.
i want to keep moving, but sometimes i think that i'm moving further away from the things that i want. i don't want to just stand still, because i'm afraid of either stagnating or getting run over. does that mean i should go faster or slower? or change directions?
to be honest, i kinda want to crawl under a rock for a bit. can i do that?? that's standing still isn't it??

*sigh*

yay anxiety and conflict!! you rock! thanks for f*ckin with my head!!

going swimming...

ok seriously?!?

i think i must have mommy brain today! i totally just had to get out the day planner to figure out what the h* i've been doing the last idk how many days...

ooooohhh...

i see what happened...

the boy stayed with his stepmother for the weekend. so friday was a quiet night at home. just me and the girl. in other words, i was in bed at a decent hour. yay sleep!!

saturday was when everything got a little crazy.

the girl and i had a great day! we spent part of it ransacking the kidlets room and getting some spring cleaning done.
in the afternoon we got our nails done and went shopping. she loves getting her nails painted at the nail shop, it's such a treat.

saturday night lb and i went to fr's show. i couldn't tell you how long it's been since lb and i have had an actually night out together.
we danced, we drank, and we even watched the lead singer do this lifeguard move to pull some random girl off of fr. i'm still laughing about that...

there were a few little hiccups in the night, but it ended with a smile :)