the rear view

i keep reading all of these recaps and resolutions and whatnot about this last year and the year to come and it got me thinking...

for me, 2010 was a year of extremes. it was the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. there has been love, passion, hope, sadness, loss, grief and so much more in between. my hope for me and for you is that this coming year will be filled with less extremes and more happiness.

i know we could all use some happiness.

about a girl

so let me tell you a story about a girl...

something bad happened to her. she met a guy that she thought was ok. they hung out. he met some of her friends, they thought he was a nice guy.

she went to his house to watch movies late one night. she dosed off...

she woke up in pain, with his hand around her throat. she told him to stop, but he wouldn't.

finally, he got up to go to the bathroom.

she left before he came back.

here

so here i sit, in my bed... alone.

i've had a long day. work was crazy and i'm having sinus issues. not just 'stuffed up and can't breathe' issues, i have physical pain and 'my face is on fire' issues.

i finally cried today.

but now it's over

do you ever get sad for the things that you're missing based on the choices you've made?

so here's the thing...
i had another one of my awesome meltdowns this weekend. ya see, i've been kinda teetering on the edge of this one for a while. i've gone through these last few months the best way that i could. this back and forth thing with fr, starting a new job and there's the holidays.

all of these things live in little compartments in my head. i think they call it compartmentalizing. well, i've been compartmentalizing things for a long time. and i think i officially ran out of compartments.
i knew that i had to stop living my life like this a long time ago, but it wasn't that easy. i had meant to change things when i got back from vegas. i'd meant to stop seeing fr all together, but he made it harder than it needed to be.
over time we grew closer and then there was all this drama that he had going on. and i was given a lot of information very quickly. i see now that i probably should have bolted then. instead i accepted everything that he told me. everything.
what is truth and what is lies, i'll never really know. i could find out. h*, you can find anything out on the trusty interwebz these days.

there are so many things that i had to keep to myself. remember all those secrety secrets? well, i'm done keeping them. i can't do it anymore. i have too much on me and too much in my head not to write.

what is so sad is that i truly cared about this person. THIS was epic. it was the closest i've ever come to happiness in my life. it was so close and yet so far. it seems to have been an illusion now.

i'll always love him and care deeply for him, but now it's over.

kinda pathetic...

i'm still here... kinda... *sigh*

i finally took a full day off of work last weekend and had a few minutes to prowl around and comment on a few blogs. woohoo! it was the highlight of my weekend...

wow! when i actually see those words, i realize how pathetic my life has become as of late. *sad face*

i'm trying my d*edest to keep it together. with all this anxiety, i'm actually surprised that i haven't have a major freak out yet.

on the upside i get to eat stuff like this, so yay for that!

this is the elk... it's beautiful, yes?

i know that i'm still off in la la land, but at least for now i'm eating well.

in other news: tomorrow is thanksgiving. i will be avoiding the phone. i hate to, but i don't like crying on holidays. and since i'm THIS homesick this year, it's just best that i not talk to any of my family until it's all over with.

hugs to you! i'm thankful for you all <3

happy thanksgiving!!

shorty #2

one of my girls posted this on her facebook page and it made me giggle...

1) go to google maps 2) click on "get directions" 3) type japan as the start location 4) type china as the end location 5) go to direction #43 6) laugh

happy sunday! hope it's a great week to come!

where did the time go?

anything is possible with the right attitude and a sledgehammer...

ha! sometimes i feel like i'm running around with a sledgehammer in my hand. other times i feel like i'm not getting anything done.
time is getting away from me. i've been so crazy busy lately with this new job, that it seems like the last 3 or 4 weeks have run into each other. i'm not sure how i feel about that right now.

i do know that i'm missing things. i haven't had time for anything other than work and my few hours here and there with the kidlets. *sigh*