make the effort

at least the one that comes with trouble makes it a point to come see me!

i am a firm believer that you need to have a life outside of a dating relationship to keep you balanced. but when that life stands in the way, that's something different. you have to make the effort.
i am a very understanding person. really, i am. i have been patient with nj. i get that he works 3rd shift. to me that means scheduling is important.
i think i'm done. things seems to have just fizzled out. oh well.

in other news: i went to fr's show on saturday night. even though they played in town the night before, they still brought in a pretty good crowd. i had a great time.
fr came by afterwards. i think i missed out conversations. overall, it was a good night :)

p.s. i wish i could give the full rundown, but that would be tmi to post... *sigh*

if you need a hug... my arms are free!

"I'll let you know" is NEVER the correct response when a girl tells you she can see you on a night that she knows you're available~ posted to twitter friday morning. ugh. stupid.

losing patience.


in other news: i finally heard from fr. shock! he stopped by. good things :) hope i'm not kicking myself later.

that is all.

green chicken chile kiles

i've been asked to post this a few times and had just never written it down. (still using paper @ work, btw) they are my fav 'go to' meal. i grew up on flavors like this, so to me chile kiles are a kind of comfort food.

my understanding of chile kiles is that they are super simple, just fried tortillas strips simmered in tomato sauce. they come together fast and easy. and as a single mom, fast and easy rule my kitchen most nights. (oh, that sounds so bad. lol) bonus for me, is that they taste a lot like enchilladas. i think i could eat my weight in enchilladas, so they are def FTW :)


green chicken chile kiles

ingredients:

10 corn torillas
1 10oz can green enchillada sauce
1 10 or 12oz can chicken (white or white and dark meat, your preference), drained
1 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese
1 cup shredded monterey jack cheese
1/4 cup vegetable oil
seasoned salt

cut tortillas in half and then into 1in. strips
pan fry tortillas strips over medium heat until slightly crispy and golden
(try to only turn them once. mixing them around too much will make them break up and get mushy. when they're crispy, they'll stand up to stirring)
salt cooked tortilla strips in the pan
stir in chicken and enchillada sauce
spread cheese over top
heat over medium (without stirring) until bubbling and the cheese is melted.

serve with a green salad and refried or black beans.
if you like it spicier, you can always add some salsa verde or jalapenos when you add the sauce.


hope you enjoy them as much as i do. muy delicioso!


p.s. i would have pics to post, but i make this so often that i always forget to take any. i'll try to remember next time.

WOOHOO!!!

i got my post card today! i'm officially cancer free for 2 years! time for my happy dance :)

if life starts to get you down, slap its hand and tell it NO!

ugh. i'm still without a computer at work and have been super busy playing catch up to formulate a post until now.

quick rundown of this past week:

saturday: i was invited out to the club by dj. VIP, bottle service, the works. had a great time, but drank too much. i just can't do that again.

sunday: black ice + tree = expensive new passenger side door and front fender. that sucked! i'm so thankful that no one else was in the car with me and that no one got hurt.

monday: i had a stomach bug. it was so bad that i didn't actually put food in my mouth until halfway through tuesday.
also, i had my dreaded doctors appt. the doc says everything looks good. but i'm still waiting for my post card that says that the cancer hasn't come back.

tuesday: i was still kinda sick. i was so tired and wanted to crawl under a rock, but i went to work instead. blah

wednesday: the girl got sick at the sitters. poor baby threw up everywhere. when i got there she was shaking and warm, but she got better as the day went on.

thursday: i was feeling much better. i ended up going to hooter's with the girls after work. it was casual, relaxing, and all around a great time. wings, beer, cute girls(my girls, not the waitstaff). where's the downside?

friday: the kidlets and i had a quiet evening at home with chinese. yum!

saturday(today): i started the day off at 4am. why? i have no idea. i just woke up and was up. so i baked. i made blueberry muffins and apple cinnamon bread pudding. they both turned out pretty well, but i think i'm going to tweak the bread pudding a bit more before i post it.

in other news: i've decided to take melissa's suggestion and call my new guy nj (for new jersey). while that nickname doesn't necessarily describe his whole personality, it kinda works for him. things are going slowly, but that's kinda a good thing :)

jigga what?

because of the afore mention attention span or lack there of, i have a fuzzy brain too. i'm so upside down without being able to see my words, so i wrote them down(still using paper). i'm still trying to make sense of it all.

i'm having trouble coming up with what to call this new guy that i've been talking to. i'll describe him, and maybe come up with something in the process. he's 33 and grew up in new jersey. he's ex-army and is currently working on his degree in criminal justice. he owns a home, has a german shepherd and rides a harley davidson. he's sweet, attentive, and very easy to get along with. he loves children and seems to have a sense of family and responsibility about him.
oh, and here's the kicker... he can go toe to toe with me in an argument. ha! i love that about him.
most guys that want to date me really can't keep up, that's kinda a turn off. where's the challenge? i know that i can be a royal pain in the a*. so whoever is trying to get my attention needs to be able to handle me AND my smart a* mouth.

aww crap! i still don't know what to call him... any suggestions??

creepy!

ok, so the weirdest s* happened last night. it wasn't so much that it was weird, but that i was f*ing creepy...

i went to ladies night with some of my girls at a local club. free cover and free beer until midnight... I'm in! who's gonna turn that down??
i was there less than 30min, when i get a text from bh asking who is watching the kidlets. wha?? wtf. how did he know that they weren't at home with me? how did he know that i was out? esp since it was a thursday night. can we say STALKER?!
i texted back that they were with the sitter and asked why he was asking. i didn't get a response. that was so creepy! i figured that maybe he was at the same club, which has happened before. but i never saw him.
this morning i got a text from him saying that his friend saw me at the club. i asked him why it mattered. and he said that he wasn't trying to start anything, but that his friend complimented my short skirt. WTF?! not trying to start anything... and he tells me s* like that?! are you kidding me?! this really makes me feel like he's still stalking me after all this time. i really just want to be left alone by him. geeze

*sigh* whatever! i still had a great time with my girls last night! it was funny... we counted, i got hit on by 6 guys and even got a wolf whistle from another. hilarious!

freakin virus

i miss my interwebz! i wrote this post on actual paper. crazy, right!
seriously, though... ACTUAL. PAPER.

i got back to my desk yesterday after lunch and got all comfy and logged in. and soon as i did, my 'puter started being retarded. ugh! it's got a freakin virus. WTF
here, my company pays all these thousands of dollars for anti-virus software and everything to go along with it, and i get a virus on my computer?? stoooopid!!
what's worse is that i don't know when i'll get my computer back. dude! this whole using paper for everything is seriously throwing me off. you know what that means, don't you? i think that means i need to lay off the computer, because it's like an addiction and i'm going through withdrawls. *sigh*

now that i think about it i have kinda become a hermit and have been told that by a couple of my close friends. i guess i need to quit living my life through the internet. i thought i had a pretty good balance going, but apparently not. esp if i have anxiety about not being able to check my email and such from work. or do actual work. geeze

in other news: i'm so A.D.D. today. i'm so used to multi-tasking that i'm flipping through a magazine while writing this.
i have run across some great recipes. but in the middle of reading one, i glanced over at the next page and saw a grill press. and now... i totally need one! not only am i writing and reading a mag, but i'm texting like 3 different people AND answering the phone. (as answering the phone is part of my job as a receptionist.)
i think i need to figure out a way to focus myself more. or at least find something to do with all this nervous energy.

in other other news: i just read this great article about megan fox in cosmo (see! attention span of a gold fish). i didn't really like her at first. it could be because i've only seen her in supporting roles or maybe that i've never really paid any attention to her. i assumed that she was just another plastic starlet. surprisingly, she's a pretty ballsy, outspoken chick. i like that. we should all be so confident.

december

dear december,

i don't like you right now. maybe we can be friends next year. but for now please go away and make it october again. i'm not ready for it to be christmas yet, or new years. btw, i don't want any of this cold weather either, so you can take that with you when you go k.
thanks,
cali

so random

i feel so random today. everything just seems kind of scattered. it's all rainy and ick outside today. i think that kinda messes with me sometimes. not in a depressing way, but it makes me feel caged or restless. i know i'm not the only one. the weather seems to have a funny effect on everyone.

i didn't realize all of this random stuff was going on, all at once, in my head right now. but here it is:

random fact 1: i am exhausted. yet i have less than the normal amount of caffeine in my system and am WIDE awake. and i'm in a pretty decent mood too. weird, right.

random fact 2: after reading saint tigerlily's post about pie crust, i want to make a pie. like a really good apple pie or maybe a peach cobbler. of course i so don't need to do this, because i'm trying to lose a few pounds and will end up eating the majority of said pie by myself.

random fact 3: i met someone new. of all things, he saw me on my friends facebook profile and asked about me. so she set it up.
i've been a lil apprehensive about posting anything about him here, not sure why. i've been out with him 6 times, so you would think i would get it together and say something, right. more about him later.

random fact 4: i have another doctors appointment coming up on the 7th. the closer it gets, the more nervous i get. it's the big one, where they check under the hood to make sure the cancer hasn't come back. they'll also be doing some other tests to make sure everything else has settled down. stupid body!

random fact 5: i'm dreading christmas. i didn't handle thanksgiving so well this year. it's not that i don't like it or anything like that. i love the holiday's. it's that i'm homesick and i miss my family. i was really bad and didn't call either set on thanksgiving, but in my defense nobody called me either. i guess i just didn't feel like crying on thanksgiving. is that so bad? can you tell i have guilt over it?

random fact 6: i haven't heard from fr in just over 2 weeks. i'm not sure what to think about that. it bothers me kinda. the last time i talked to him, he was drinking liquor. he's not really supposed to be doing that anymore. i worry about him.

random fact 7: i'm officially a brunette. think red brown like fergie, not brown black like dita von teese. i've had honey colored highlights for the last year or so. i'm just not sure what i think of it yet.

these are just a few things i've been thinking about.

apple pizzas

seriously... i might be losing it, but i'm totally baking in the middle of the night. for some reason i get this wild hair and am all of a sudden wide awake at 1 and 2 am. so tonight i'm making apple pizzas. i've had something similar before. it just sounded good for breakfast in the morning.

the ingredients:

for the glaze

1 1/3 c sugar

2/3 c water

2 tsp pumpkin pie spice

4 T butter

1 T vanilla extract

2 apples peeled and sliced

3 small pizza crusts

boil the sugar, water, vanilla, and pumpkin pie spice til it starts getting syrupy. add butter and let melt. let cool for maybe 10 min. mix syrup with apples. add mixture to top of pizza crusts. bake at 425 for 20 min. the edges of the crust will be slightly browned, the apples should look soft and opaque, and your house should smell like apple pie. let cool and enjoy.

p.s. i know i'm not the best with the recipe terms, but i'm not an actual chef... so there. i just make what i think tastes good :)

quick note: i think 3 apples would have made it even better, but may add to the cook time.

lil muddled

i want to write today. i'm just not sure about what. things are a lil muddled in my head still, but less complicated then they were... i think.

ha. i think i might be turning into a hermit. i've been at home ALOT, even to the point of not going anywhere except church this whole weekend. i didn't even have the 'itch' to go out this weekend. i wonder what that means? i, for sure, felt the need for a break from the kidlets last night. but i think that partly had to do with anticipating having a break and not getting it. does that make sense? probably not, but oh well. i think the idea is that i want the interaction, but not the insanity that goes along with it.

i have nothing on these gals...

ok, really... my life is complicated and sometimes it royally sucks to be me. but my little problems have nothing on these gals...

megan at the undomestic diva is an amazing person. i love to read about her boys and all her crazy antics with candy ass. i can relate so well to so many things that she says. she's just funny and honest. most importantly, she gives of herself to others to help spread awareness about issues that are so close to all of our hearts.
this morning her post was a little confusing to me. but after reading the blog that she linked to it makes so much more sense as to why. this is what she said:

Anissa's situation has obviously hit hard with me; the timing impeccable with my last post. I ache for her and her husband and children - I can't help but put myself in her position which just terrifies me to my core.

this makes me just want to hug her for being such a great person.

good day to sleep

today i still don't feel well... kinda achy and ugh. i had a dr appt yesterday and there's something about elevated white blood cells. not good, i know. stupid body!

in other news: i had a pretty good weekend. friday was my friends bachelorette party. it was a blast!
saturday me and the girl grilled out with lb and her kidlets. it was nice. we hadn't done that in a while. i love grilling out, it's always so relaxing and peaceful.
sunday was a good day. i haven't formulated what i want to say about that just yet. but soon as i do, i'll post about it.

i know i don't really have a lot to say today, but i have pain, so bear with me k

blech

ugh, i don't feel good today. headaches and puking because of headaches suck a*! having to work through it all sucks even more! that is all...

upside down

today i'm all upside down... i have been for the last couple of days. there are a million little things running around in my head. it's like having bits and pieces of a puzzle, but not enough to see what the whole picture is yet. i hate that. i hate not knowing stuff, or worse, only knowing part of the story. yeesh...

in other news: my dad joined facebook today. weird.

ladies night!

so yeah, last night... i did THAT! it was sooo fun! my girls are awesome for including me!
ha. there is nothing like nearly naked men dancing in the middle of a sea of grown women. it was funny, people kept telling me that they are all gay and i just kept saying "i don't care what they are, i just want to look at them".
i hear... that one of the girls even took one of them home with her...

p.s. it wasn't me!

okay in the end

this passage is profound! it was sent to me by my very beautiful friend melissa of alosha's kitchen. she is an amazing person and the best of friends. thank you so much for this!

It really doesn't matter when something negative happens to you on any one specific day. It is all blessed fuel for your spiritual awakening. Your ego will of course be judging your experience as wrong, terrible or consider it to be the dramatic victim of all creation (if you allow it to do so). Anything that arises that is not in perfect alignment with what is "supposed" to happen (according to the ego) the mind throws a mini or major fit. So when you get triggered by something or someone, you can stop and re-center yourself on the thought that, "everything works out perfectly in the end." The contracted experience you are having will all of a sudden feel easier to handle and you will more consciously work with the feelings that are arising in that moment.

"We live the perfect process created by the Universe, and we do that perfectly—whether we realize it or not." ~ Osho

The strangest thing about life is that it really all does work out perfectly in the end. In the midst of suffering your mind will not trust, believe or agree with this. Yet, the truth is that from the vantage point of your soul, everything is always divinely orchestrated to perfection no matter what happens. The whole Universe is conspiring in awakening you to experience the truth of who you are, and sometimes will attempt to give you a growth experience that your ego doesn't like at all! The only reason we ever experience that things are not working out in life is because the mind/ego cannot always see the bigger picture from the perspective of one's soul.

The truth is that everything always works out perfectly in the end. When you hold onto this thought for an extended period of time, it soon becomes a mood, attitude and an approach to life. By diving into the feeling that everything in the future will work out to divine perfection, you can relax, explore your spiritual essence deeper and actually enjoy your life! With practice you will discover the hidden blessing that any challenging situation was trying to offer you, and the opportunity for the growth that was buried within it.

things pop up

so my subconscious.... yeah, she's a b*tch. apparently, when i drink too much things pop up that i just don't expect.

friday was bad! it was just bad! i had the mother of all stupid girl moments. not only was it a stupid girl moment, but it was a drunken stupid girl moment... in public. *sigh* this is just something that CANNOT happen again.
i was so stupid and went to fr's show on friday. i didn't want to go, but i still talked myself into it. it was just supposed to be closure. that's what i needed. instead it was me drinking too much and acting badly. what's worse is that i didn't even know i was feeling that way. wtf

i'm not sure if he's mad at me or anything at this point. we're supposed to talk in a few days. gah! i feel horrible.

more later

Nothing is so strong as gentleness

the hardest thing about growing up, is that you have to do what is right for you even if it means breaking someone's heart, including your own...

alas with the broken hearts again... *sigh* sometimes life hands you something that you don't really know how to handle.

TWLOHA

to write love on her arms is a cause that i can support wholeheartedly!!

posted on facebook: To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. you can visit their site here.

there is an event posted on facebook, that i encourage you to check out here.

p.s. i'm not usually the type to get involved, but this is something that touches close to home.

pressure

i feel like i've been living under this weight the last couple of days. gah! what a relief to get that last post out of the way... sad, isn't it? it was great weekend. it was super awesome in fact, but dang, if i haven't retold that story enough times!
ok, now that i've got that out, i can get on with it. i know, complain, complain...

anywho, i have been all over the place the last couple days. thoughts, emotions, stresses, and a tinge of sad. not good things... well, some of them are, but i don't know what to do with them.
i'm sad that my mom had to leave already. i had such a great visit with her. usually, she stresses me out to an extreme.
you see, my mom likes control. she puts a lot of pressure on me to be that person that she idealizes in her head. i know she wants the best for me, but i have my own way of doing things and my own views about life. so yeah... me and her, we kinda butt heads.
this visit was different. it was for the most part without stress or pressure. i think it was easier, because i didn't put my life on hold for her visit. instead, i kinda dropped her in and let her see how it really is. i think she understands better who i am. wow! that's crazy isn't it??

the only thing that she pressured/questioned me about was sd. he had dinner with the group on friday night. it took my mom a minute to figure out who he was, but she's heard about him in the past. she couldn't understand why i don't date him. he's a great guy, stable, responsible, etc. plus! he bought me jewelry for my birthday....
i hate having to explain stuff like this to her, but i told her that he and i are friends only. while yes, he's great, he's just not for me. i like my independence and my 'freedom' and am not willing to give that up right now. i just don't have that 'thing', that connection with him that would make it worth it. period.

as for my thoughts and emotions that are giving me confusion, i'm still trying to formulate them. i'm not sure that i will write about them here. i may wait and post about them elsewhere. *wink*

birthday weekend 09

this weekend brought to you by no sleep, copious amounts of caffeine, and the letter "w" for woohoo!

this years celebrations were many. i ended up with less than 3 hours of sleep per night, but i truly had a blast! so much happened that i'm trying to figure out where to start. i guess i'll start with thursday...
thursday night was fun and mellow. the kidlets and i had a quiet dinner at a small upscale diner close to where we live. we loved it. it was a solid family night with good food and a milkshake and cookies for desert. i stayed up late that night waiting for my mom to get here from california. needless to say, that night started my weekend off with only 3 hours of sleep under my belt.

friday, we had cake at work and i had lunch with a friend. that night a big group of us went to dinner at a restaurant down by the river. it was a chilly night so we didn't get to sit out on the deck, but it was still a great time. i went with some of 'my crew' to a club across town and danced the night away. we were there until the club closed. it was sooo much fun!
i didn't get home that morning until around 8:30, because i ended up staying at a friend's house. i think i slept until a little after 10, so still not much sleep.

saturday was nice and relaxing. we had a late lunch at the little diner we ate at on thursday.we took our time and had ice cream and cookies for desert. it was one of those days that kinda give you the warm fuzzies. we all had a great time. just puttering around town and shopping.
saturday night, i went to 2 costume parties. the first one was thrown by one of my girls and the second one was a keg party that rt had been invited to. good times were had by all!
we ended the night by going to IHOP for breakfast. it's nice to sit and talk and wind down after a crazy night.
i even got a phone call from fr while we were waiting for our food. he was on his way back from playing a wedding in huntsville. *sigh* of course after that, i ended up taking my food home with me. i was in bed just after 5:30, but up by 8:30. thank god for red bull!!

sunday was a good day. my mom and i took the kidlets to church. she really seemed to like my church. it's nothing like my home church, but it did meet my mom's approval for where her grandchildren learn about important stuff. after lunch, we spent the rest of the day at a local amusement park.

this was by far the best birthday i think i've ever had... the only thing that sucks is that i'm finally starting to enjoy my 20's and now they are quickly disappearing. *sigh* oh well, i guess that's how life is...

playing catch up

*sigh* half the week is already gone and i still feel like i haven't caught up on everything from being sick.
i finally got my new car back yesterday. well, it's not brand new, but it's new to me... anywho, it had a blown head gasket after i'd only had it for 3 weeks. can we say expensive?
so i've been driving a loaner car. omg, it was so depressing. it was so bad that i worried that it would fall apart before i got my car back. so, i appreciate having my blue bell back that much more.(yes, i name my cars. shh... it's not weird)

in other news: it's 2 days til my birthday! yay me! don't get me wrong, i have plenty of chances to go out and spend time with friends. but i usually don't make a big deal about anything to do with myself. it's usually all about my friends or the kidlets. this one time a year, it's all about me! i love it!
my mom is flying in on thursday night to celebrate with us and spend time with the kidlets. i miss her so much. it's funny, the older i get the more i appreciate the time that i spent growing up in a large family. i truely wish that i could give that to the kidlets, but alas there are certain circumstances that stand in the way of me taking them home to california to live, mainly their fathers. plus, there's that whole thing where i actually know in my heart that i don't belong there.

in other other news: i've started with my cooking and baking again. not the everyday stuff, but the fun pretty stuff that i take pics of. i love trying new recipes and i especially love modifying them to fit my taste. i had taken a break from it for a while, because when all that crazy drama was going on i had the attention span of a goldfish.
so, stay tuned for yummy recipes and pics to come in the near future:)

grownups

as the fog is lifting

hehe... oops. it's been more than a week since my last post. i'm so bad, i know.

i feel like i have much to talk about, but the fog has not yet lifted this morning. me and mondays... yeah, we don't get along so well. these are the days that i just want to crawl back under my rock until at least noon. CAFFEINE!!... blessed caffeine, thy name is love...

grrr... still sleepy. *yawn*

this last week or so has gone by in kind of a flash. last weekend was WILD fun. friday... oh friday, was def an interesting start to my weekend. i was def ready for a night out. of all places, we started the night out at a strip club. wow! that's all i'm gonna say about that place... it was fun though.
we ended that night at a sports bar watching fr's band play. that may not have been the best choice, but it was super fun. i was testing the waters with a guy friend of mine, and he was so not excited about the way that fr looked at me. i didn't notice anything wrong, but whatever. dudes are funny that way. i so don't have the patience for jealousy. what's funny about that situation, is that this friend told me a few days later that he was going to try and get back with his ex. ha, story of my life these days...
saturday was supposed to be a girl's night with lb, but it didn't end up that way. 'my crew' called me wanting me to come with them. since i hadn't been out with them since all that drama on valentine's day, i just had to go. we went to a club that i hadn't been to since i was 19. holy wow! it was a blast! i danced and danced and danced... hehe, then i rode the mechanical bull. seriously, i did, i even have pics to prove it.

monday rolled around and i was done. i was so sick and achy. it was horrible. i don't even remember the last time i had cold chills. thank goodness it wasn't the actual flu, that would have sucked! ah, see it comes out, that's why i didn't blog last week. i was cocooned in my house trying to sleep off that stupid virus. i didn't even go into work until thursday. man, i must have been pathetic.

so here it was the weekend again.

friday was great! the boy went to his dad's for the weekend, so it was just me and the girl. we had some mommy time. it was a pretty tame night. out to dinner and then grocery shopping for our picnic the next day.

interesting turn of events- fr was texting. yep, i'm as shocked as you are... he was sweet. i'm such a sucker. so, i guess we get to hang out again. yay me!

i had so much fun with the girl on saturday. i took her to the corn maze and had a picnic. we went on a hayride and she got to pick out a pumpkin. it was so freezing so we didn't stay more than a few hours. i hate the cold.
that night i went out. we celebrated my friends birthday and i def got my birthday week off to a great start! we watched fr's band and i drank more than i should have. all in all, it was an amazing night.

i think too much

gah! i feel like such a baby. i get to thinking about the way that things are vs. the way that things were say 6 months ago. this just sucks. i need to find something to keep me busy.
this single no drama thing is working out pretty well as far as the stress factor goes. i def have a lot more time on my hands. i think i'm just lonely. i have great friends that i love to pieces, but i don't have that one person that i can talk to all the time about everything.
i know i said i'm closing up shop, but it's hard to stick to decisions like that. i'm sure i will for a while though. it is gonna take a lot for some one to get through all the road blocks.

what i needed to hear today

never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him,for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend; love that has grown cold can kindle. -soren kierkegaard

i give up

i do. i give up. i'm done. i'm over it, all of it.

i got a message on myspace this morning from fr. i thought 'oh how interesting... i wonder what that's about'
well, he was basically telling me that him and his ex have decided to give it another try at a relationship. so that means he can't hang out with me anymore. this totally sucks, cause i was really starting to like the way that things were going.

i think i'm kinda just over the dudes. fr would have been the ONLY guy i would have even considered. so now i'm closing up shop for a while. my heart can't take anymore. i need to protect myself from being hurt again.

boy, i make good banana bread!

"it has come to my attention that girls are good for two things. babies and banana bread. my kingdom for a baby banana bread."
~friend's facebook status on his birthday... so funny! or at least i thought it was. some people got a little offended.


anywho, this last weekend was busy, busy, busy. the boy stayed at his granny's house and the girls stayed with me.
friday there was so much to do that i was running around like a crazy person. first i had dinner, that i cooked, at lb's with all her girls. i made mediterranean chicken pasta, it turned out really well. we had so much fun and i didn't want to leave, but had other places that i had to go...

after leaving lb's i went to this sports bar called level10. i'd never been there before. it was great! i was there to see a band. one of my friends is the drummer and he had to leave yesterday for training before he gets deployed to iraq. (side note: please keep him and his family in your prayers) the guys were great! and the crowd was amazing. i didn't want to leave there either, but again was expected somewhere else.

on to the interesting part of the night...

fr's band was playing an unexpected show. and come to find out it was fr's birthday, so of course i had to go..lol. it was so much fun! they played one of my fav songs right after i got there, but really? who doesn't like darling nikki, by prince?
the crowd was meh, not so awesome, but it was a newer venue, so i'm sure if they play there again there will be a lot more people. ha, of course you know me... i'm the girl that will dance in the middle of a crowd just because i like the music, whether i've been drinking or not. so i enjoyed myself!
they didn't play as late as they usually do, but it didn't seem to be a big deal to anyone. i was there with rt and one of her friends. we sat and drank beer and talked to the band and some of their fans until they were finished tearing down their stuff.
it was fun talking to fr. we sat and talked for a while, just bsing and laughing at different things and people. finally we were both ready to go...
fr came over after that. that was nice. i think he's doing better, or maybe just dealing with things better. he's such a sweetheart. i like when i can just sit and talk to him and no one else is listening. i think we're both starting to have a pretty good understanding of each other. and i think he kinda gets it as far as me not looking for anything from anyone right now. i think that works for him.

where i stand

forgive me.
i started this post like 2 days ago and for some reason or another didn't finish it. so here it is:

hmm... i've been thinking about this whole relationship or no relationship thing. i'm not sure if i'm confused about it or if i just don't know where i stand. sometimes i'm not so good by myself. and other times that's all i want, is to be left alone to live my life and to raise my kids.

i'm kinda over the whole 'dating' scene. i'm def over the guys that want to take me out just so they can sleep with me. what's that all about?
i spend most of my time with my friends these days and for the most part that fulfills what i need, for now. i think it's only late at night when i seem to get twinges of loneliness. i think to myself "ya know, i could call so and so and see what they are doing", but then i stop myself and text my girls or one of my guy friends. it's not good to be with someone, just so you don't have to be alone.
i guess in any case, it's gonna take a lot to get my attention at this point. in my mind i have a lot to offer a relationship. for the right man i could be the perfect woman... kinda. and any man that wants to be with me should be able to enhance my life in some way not take away from it. in a way though, i feel like i don't have it in me to be in a relationship right now. while i have much to offer, i feel like have nothing to offer. i certainly don't have my heart to offer. it's been hidden away for a while, i think.
sometimes i feel like i almost live a double life. i work 5 days a week, i cook for my kids every night, and i do the mommy thing. on the weekends, i'm different. some fridays i get to go out and just be me, without the mommy part and without all the responsibility of the week weighing on me. of course since i work on saturdays, i feel like i have to put on this whole other persona. i know how to fit in with that crowd and work it so everyone is having fun. part of me wants to be that fun party girl and part of me doesn't.

i play that game sometimes... where do i see myself in 5 years, in 10 years? and i really don't know. i guess relationship-wise, in 5 years i hope to be married or in a serious relationship with or without another child. i want to be done with this, this life by then. i want to be done being in my 20's and be more settled. of course in 5 years i'll be 32 almost 33, but you know what i mean.

i see that these things are attainable for me now, but at what price? what am i willing to give up? or am i willing to give up anything right now?
i like being able to do what i want and not having to answer to anyone. and i like being with my friends. so do i give up part of my 'freedom' for security?
i think if the right person came along, then maybe i wouldn't feel like i was giving anything up. that makes sense doesn't it?

too funny

ok, so i thought this was too funny not to post on a friday morning. i got the idea from a blog i follow called saint tigerlily. she's hilarious and posts some awesome recipes! you should def check her out...

here is a mad men version of me..lol.. what do you think? is it me?




if you think this is as fun as i do, then you should go here and mad men yourself.

broken hearts

why do some people insist on hurting others? we all know it's wrong to hurt someone physically, but mentally, emotionally? in some cases it's harder to get over the emotional hurt than it is the physical. there are so many of us walking around with broken hearts... i wouldn't say that mine is broken at this point, but it's been pretty mangled...
some of it is my own fault, i know this. i care about people and let them suck me into their lives and emotions. i trust them to not want to hurt me or upset me. i trust, i love, i care... i've been told that those are all good qualities. sometimes i think that i care too much. i think they call it wearing my heart on my sleeve. sadly some people recognize this and actually choose to use it against me.

i am not unique in this.

one of my best friends called me yesterday, bawling her eyes out. she was so sad and i felt sad for her. i wanted to help her and maybe i did, by just listening. she was upset over another failed relationship. she seemed to be at the end of her rope with it all.
we've all been there. that point that we get to where we feel like this is all we can do. where we feel like the universe is against us. where we feel like even though the situation isn't good for us, we didn't really want it to end. sometimes that kind of sadness can be overwhelming.

time for a change

i miss writing. not writing in the sense that i write this blog, but more like the poems and raw emotion with a pen and paper. i miss that. i don't do that anymore and i'm not really sure why. i think part of it has to do with the fact that for so long i didn't have the privacy that i needed. nothing that i had was considered mine. no matter if i had written something years ago, it was taken out of context and used against me.

i think it's time for a change in my life. i'm not exactly sure what that will be yet, but i think it will be something that others may not notice. well, they might, but only if they pay really close attention and most people don't. we all have our own lives and can be pretty self absorbed.
i seem to feel like i've been floating along waiting for something to happen and really i need to make something happen on my own. i realize this now. i have to get back to me, back to the girl that i was. i've been only halfway there for a long time.
i know that i need to make my home into my haven again. it's a hater free zone, but it's still only feels temporary. when i moved into my apartment i didn't have much. i still don't have much, but i do have stability or at least a more permanent feel to my life. i guess that's a start...

how many times can i break til i shatter?

sometimes it's not enough for some people to hurt you in a relationship, so they feel the need to pop up unexpectedly and break your heart just a little bit more...
this is how i felt on friday afternoon. sad isn't it? i didn't think that ts sending me some snarky text messages would hurt me quite as much as they did.

in other news: because of the days earlier events, i really threw myself into my girl's night out. i had so much fun. i ended up hanging out with a different group of girls than i first planned, but that didn't change anything. we went to go see fr's band. i got a bunch of great pics of the band. i was so proud for them. they really put on a great show!
it def turned into an awesome night. fr came over again after the show. he is an amazing person. i can't say that enough. he's still having a really hard time, but at the same time seems to be dealing better with it. the more i get to know him, the more i hate to see him in so much pain. i'm doing my best to be a good friend and give him the ear or hug that he needs.

remember when...

remember when guys wanted to date you, because they thought you were a cool chick to chill with?? when relationships were fun and innocent... no pressure. anybody? well, i do and i want that. i realize that i'm not in my early 20's anymore, but that doesn't mean that every man i flirt with wants to sleep with me.... does it? more on that later, i guess.

in other news: i've had kind of a hazy weekend. it was a 3 day weekend, but went by way too fast. friday was pretty uneventful, but saturday was crazy fun. i went to go see fr's band play for a few min before having to go into work at the club. ugh. i was sooo nervous for some reason, i was actually shaking. i had a shot of jeager when i got there, just to calm my nerves. i left there and had a great night at work.
something made me decided to go back when i was done. i'm glad i did. fr ended up coming over after they'd gotten everything packed up. it was nice... we just sat and talked. we were able to talk about all sorts of things. i'm glad that fr feels like he can talk to me. he told me about quiting drinking and all the emotional stuff that he's been going through. i really wish that there was something more that i could do to help him other than being just a sympathetic ear. all in all it was a good talk though.

this is why i'm angry

last friday, i got a call to go pick up the girl sometime after 10pm. i wasn't a happy camper! i'd been having pain in my rib and my stomach had been sooo upset all day because of the horrible anti-inflammatory meds. so my plan was to to go home, clean up a bit, take a sleeping pill and go to bed. instead i had to drive across town to pick up the girl from her stepmother.
apparently, bh met someone new and decided that he was going to be with her. so he packed his stuff and left. he left. i get the whole unhappily married thing. i get splitting up with your spouse. what i don't get is that bh left, and he left my daughter there. he left my sweet baby girl (who is only 3 yrs old) there with her stepmother. he didn't call me and say 'hey, i need you to meet me so i can hand her off to you'. no, he just left her there crying.wtf! anybody else way pissed?? cause i sure am!! my sweet girl deserves better than that! she deserves to have a dad that can get his s* together long enough to be her dad!

i have been so angry, that only now have i finally been able to even write any of this down...

well, that sucks!

i finally hear back from my doctor's office about my ex rays, and it turns out that my rib is fractured. it's my 9th rib on my right side.
i've got a busy weekend, as most of them are as of late, and i get to do it all with a fractured rib. wtf

hope it's not a cracked rib?

for those of you that don't know yet, i was in a car accident on saturday afternoon. and 82yr old grandma turned left into the front of my car. i have a feeling that they are probably going to try and total my car. the damage is extensive. the frame of the car actually ripped, the drivers side headlight is gone, the battery was punctured and is now leaking something, and there are miscellaneous loose parts under the hood. i know that there is more wrong with it, but i'm not for sure what.
i spent hours on the phone yesterday with the lady's insurance company. she hadn't even reported the accident to them. so now i have a rental car, until the claims rep figures out what they are going to do with my car.
what's worse is that i have pain. a lot of pain in my right side in my rib area and bruising on my left side. i was just sore on sunday and monday, but yesterday i noticed that the pain kept getting worse as the day went on. it was so bad last night that i couldn't get comfortable unless i was upright and with my heating pad. i'm exhausted today.
i'll be leaving to go to a walk-in clinic shortly. wish me luck that i didn't crack a rib or something equally as bad...


update: just got back from the doctor's office. they are sending me for ex rays first thing tomorrow morning. she seemed to think that it's either cracked or broken.

be the bigger person

let me just say that i love my friends! i do... most of the time, it seems, that they are the only people who actually care about me. sad, isn't it? so what do you do when your friends can't get along with each other? do you take sides? do you forsake one for the other? or do you just hope that one or both will be the bigger person?
i think i've done a lot of growing as a person recently. i'm not finished yet, i will probably never be. so then how do i handle this? one friend is like my big brother and seems to feel a responsibility toward me. and the other i care about more than may be healthy for me. the big brother figure isn't asking me to chose, but the other seems to want me to...
why must life be so complicated?!?

holy crap!! ... second grade?!?

so yeah, wow do i feel old! the boy started second grade today. what's up with that?! i told him to stay little forever. and what does he do you ask... he still wants to grow up. gah! this is worse than when he started kindergarten.
this is second grade. this feels like the beginning of the end! i'm just not ready!! it seems like just yesterday he was so tiny and and drooly and snugly. now there's gonna be more school related activities and friends and sleepovers. i don't like it... i don't like it one bit!
i know it's something that i have to accept. just not going to do it happily... *sigh*

was gonna...

for reals... i had a ton of stuff that i was gonna post about. but then i took some sinus meds. my mind is blank and foggy now. so, i will post tomorrow, if i can figure out what i was thinking.

terrible memory

geeze, why didn't i post more than once last week?? i should have.... i think. i have such a terrible memory. ha. i actually have to go back and consult my calendar.

oh, ok. i see what happened... i had order of protection court on thursday. that must have eaten up most of my day. not actual court, but updating everybody and checking in i guess. idk.
thursday night, i got to have a girl's night with lb. and of course, we had lots of fun! we went to a adult party at a friends house and then out to see my fav band play. i had a great time.

in other news: i got to see fr. we talked a lot about everything that is going on with him. he's still having a very hard time with the death of his son. i just can't imagine what he is going through...

in other other news: i got a new second job!! yay me! i started working at another club on saturdays. it was great! it was what i thought it should be. a total blast!

crazy b*tch. ha

ha. love that song... totally has nothing to do with this post, i was just listening to it.

this weekend was good. just good. relaxing kind of good. i got a lot of cleaning and laundry done. i got to spend some time with my sweet girl too. i know she needs as much 'mommy time' as she can get. esp with as much going on in her little life.

saturday night i went out with my friend that lives close to me. (we'll call her rt for rose tattoo) rt and i had a lot of fun. she drank, i didn't. we had an awesome girl's night out. we had planned to go to a few places, but only ended up going to one. i didn't get to get all my networking done that i had planned on, but i guess i'll have to do that next weekend.
we were supposed to meet up with my old friend. (we'll call him wb for way back.) we were going to go to a local club with wb, but he got in a fight. so glad we didn't go. that would have been too much to handle for me.

in other news: i finally got to talk to someone who is involved in this drama with ts. at risk of oversharage i will forgo the specifics. but will say that things aren't bad between me and this person. i don't really know where he stands, but i think that this was all just really bad timing for him. again, time tells all.

...oy!

this is my third attempt at posting...

so here it goes. officially i don't know what the h* is going on.
they closed the club where i was working. i've been catching up with an old friend. i've met new people. i did finally talk to ts( that is a whole nother complicated mess). bh is def getting a divorce.
and i'm surprisingly calm about all of it...

the drama has left me. i see anything stressful at this point as 'not my problem'. i can only do one thing at a time. so that's what i'm doing...

plz leave me alone!

is there any misunderstanding those words?? really? is there? cause i thought that was pretty clear, when i sent that text on monday afternoon.
so then why i ask is ts still bothering me?? last night he sent me a text at 11:30. what's up with that? i didn't respond to said text, but still... why won't he stop?

in other news: i think me and of are all better now, for the most part anyway... i missed my bff!

what next??

ok, freaky! sunday i posted pics of my car and my flat tires on facebook. i was so upset and so angry that i felt it was justified. yesterday i got a call/vcmail(since i wont answer) from ts telling me that he's seen them and that i needed to take them down. he also said that he knew that i sent friend requests to a couple of the friends on friday. i could see how he would know that i sent friends requests, but how the h* did he see the pics? the only mutual friend that was on there wasn't even home and i know she wouldn't have shown him anything.
after some investigating, i'm starting to think that maybe he had my password somehow. they weren't hard to figure out though. passwords have now been changed!

in other news: i heard from fr on sunday. he's dealing with alot right now with the death of his son. please keep him in your prayers. he was sweet and told how awesome i am :) i hope to hear from him again in a few days when he gets back from a trip.

p.s. just so you know fr and i are not 'involved', just friends for now. i like him and we have fun together, but i'm not planning on attaching myself to anyone again for a long time to come.

stalker!!!

OMG!!!!
dude came to my apartment this morning after i got home from working my second job and let all the air out of my tires.
in the span of an hour and a half he vandalized me car!

HOLY WOW!!!

say what???

for reals... did anyone else know that ts was stalking me?? cause i sure as h* didn't...wtf!?! omg!!!
i'm still in shock!!
i found out soooo much stuff last night. and now i'm a little freaked out! how do i get mixed up with these guys??
WOW!!! all i can say is WOW!!

we start again...

the is the NEW and IMPROVED thoughts from me...
i know, i have no imagination for titles sometimes. but hey, it's what i've got to work with today. it's been a really rough week, so cut me some slack.

i've decided to post this newer version of my blog for the simple fact that i feel as if the last one shared waaaay too much. those were my private thoughts and rantings. most of it didn't make sense the way i wanted it to unless you(the reader) could pretty much read my mind. i think there are only like 2 people on the planet that could do that right now. so, i put my first blogbaby to bed one last time.

the last couple of weeks have been very hard on me. the quick run down is this:

ts and i have had too many ups and downs to count. this has pretty much devastated me. too many downs!

of has decided to delete me from his life. i was extremely upset about it yesterday. today, i'm not that upset anymore. true friends love you unconditionally, regardless of what kind of choices you might make concerning their advice.

a good friend of mine lost his child. i'm sad for him.

bh decided to give up his visitation with the girl. i'm starting to think that she's probably better off without him.

so many other things have happened the last couple of weeks, it's just been unreal.


p.s. just to elaborate on the oversharing: i feel like i was sharing info that i wouldn't necessarily want just anyone to know. if i seem vague at times please feel free to ask questions in a private message.