butterfly

listen to this!

butterfly by jason mraz

ok, now tell me that if someone sang that to you and only you when no one else is around, you wouldn't just melt right there in your seat! i tell you what... i almost did.

so much for putting distance between my heart and my head...
i tried! i really did!

this weekend was no less than AMAZING!

i love being spontaneous! and the 2 1/2 hour drive to an out of town gig, in georgia, was well worth it! ha! the things we do for love...

it's funny how the smallest things can tip the scales of our resolve. i thought that stepping back was the right thing to do, but now i feel like i'm being pulled in even more. i wanted to protect my heart, but it's just too late for that now. whatever happens i'll deal with, but with more faith in love.
i'm not going to say that i'm not absolutely terrified. but who's not afraid of losing their heart? who's not afraid of losing a part of themselves? i still need to work on the communication part of things, but i think i'm getting better at it. i think.

the hardest thing now, is the waiting. the proverbial 'detox' really sucks a* right now!! because the closer i seem to get to what i want, the more i want it... it's the uncertainty and 'in between' that is so hard to deal with sometimes.

i AM somebody

omg! omg! omg!! this is so f*ing cool!! guess what?! i got an award!!

yes! me! an award!

see?!

is that not the coolest sh*t EVER?! well, it is to me anyway...

i know, i know... shut up, right?! it's just the first time i've ever gotten one, so yay me!!

it's so cool that it even comes with rules and sh*t...

los rules are: (using wicked shawn's rules, 'cause i'm one of the cool kids...)

• thank the person who gave you the award

• list 7 things about yourself your readers do not know


• award 5 bloggers you've recently discovered

so, to start... a toast to wicked shawn for this awesome honor:
quoting my fav local cover band *ahem*
"raise your bottles, raise your glasses, raise your girlfriends shirt and say 'i AM somebody', now you know you are!"

...finish what you got and ask the bartender for another!

7 things you never knew

1. i have piercings and tattoos. they're not like crazy wow kind of stuff, but i like them. my tongue and bellybutton are pierced. and i have an angel and a ladybug on my back. one of these days if i get brave enough, i might post pics of them for you.

2. i go to church almost every sunday. it helps me stay... umm... sane. i know it sounds like a bit of a contradiction, considering the amount of late night alcohol consumption i partake in. but life is easier when you find out that there are so many people around you going through the same kinds of stuff you are and that you're not alone in your fight. also, i've been a helper this week in the 3yr olds' class for VBS(vacation bible school)

3. i talk in my sleep. i don't know why, but the kidlets do it too. it freaks overnight guests out. i know! fun, right?!

4. unless you've been following me from the beginning, which means you read the first incarnation of this blog, then you probably don't know that the girl's dad a.k.a. bh (bipolar [ex]husband) actually tried to kill me. it wasn't pretty. so, when i say i'm happily divorced, it's because i'm alive and away from him.

5. i sing... a lot, esp to the kidlets. they love it when i sing to them in the car or when we sing along to whatever is playing on the radio. ha! the girl actually sings along with papa roach... 'cause that's how we roll!

6. i get excited about mundane things, like new sheets and fridays and 'i love you' text messages. i'm such a sucker for that kind of stuff!

7. i decided not to go to ireland next week. i know that sounds crazy, because the plane ticket has already been purchased. but there are so many things going on behind the scenes. i still want to go, but now is not the right time.

on to the 5 bloggers

melissa, because she is amazing and has become a close friend. she was one of my very first followers and i love her for it! <3

krysta, she is seriously hilarious. and she does it all while raising her 4 sous chefs (that's right, i said 4!)

saint tigerlily, her adventures in nyc with the boss and teeny make me smile and sometimes belly laugh. also, hungry :)

ryan, i am inspired by a lot his posts. they speak to my soul.

andrea, her strength and wisdom through adversity is just incredible to me.

alright! now, go out and share the love!! love you all and hope you have a rockin' weekend!!! ♥

radio silence

sorry for the radio silence kids... i thought my sinuses were acting up, but it's now looking a lot more like i have a summer cold. ugh!
i am incredibly miserable right now, since i can't breathe(i like breathing). and can't focus to save my life, because of the meds and inhalers. stupid body!

hope you're all having a better week than mine! <3

the chain

image courtesy of a good friend♥ and talented artist. you can find him here.

the sky looks pissed
the wind talks back
my bones are shifting in my skin
and you, my love are gone

my room seems wrong
the bed won't fit
i cannot seem to operate
and you, my love are gone

i'll never say
i'll never love
but i don't say a lot of things
and you, my love are gone

so glide away on soapy heels
and promise not to promise anymore
and if you come around again
then i will take the chain from off the door

*sigh*

so here i am. just me, here. i have a jumble of things in my head...

i am trying to disconnect, to get back to me for a while. i'm consciously disconnecting from people and things to try and protect myself. because in the end, i'm the only one that knows what i need.
i'm putting distance between my heart and my head. the right thing to do for now is step back from people and situations that i'm too involved in.

a person that i care about has some things going on, that i can't help with. i don't want to be in the way. so for now, i will step away and give them the space that they need in order to get the situation settled. i will continue along my path and hope that they catch up when they're ready, like they have in the past.

opening up

how do you say to someone "hey you! i have things i want to say to you and things i want to ask you. i have things i want to talk to you about. i have things i want you to know. but when we're in the moment and just being us, the honest us, i forget what i was going to say. you amaze me to a point that i have no idea what i'm doing. i'm just there. with you."

*sigh*

upside-down and backwards

dude! seriously!! i think i'm losing it... or maybe i just have medicine head kinda, a little bit, maybe... stupid sinus meds!

*sigh*

things are weird right now.

like... there's... there's... ugh! (deep breath)

there's STUFF going on. i know, i know, i'm so freaking descriptive! i'd be all about letting the awesomeness shine through, if i knew where to start. *sigh*
my head is so upside-down and backwards that i can't even seem to figure out a status thingy to post on facebook. yeah... i'm cool...

i'm happy, i'm confused, i'm frustrated, i'm worried and all kinds of other stuff allatthesametime.
geeze! i wish i could read people's minds sometimes... or maybe if i could just learn to communicate a little bit better.

ok, so... we've established the fact that i'm having a hard time focusing today. i'm def a little 'goldfish-y'. i have so much in my head. this is one of those days that i wish i could dump it all out like a game of 52 pick up and sort through all the cards. which ones go on top? which ones do i discard?

ooh, ooh... i figured it out! my status shall be:
when the ones we love are in trouble, we step up and do what needs to be done to help them, no matter how it affects us... <3

well, there's one thing i figured out for the day... yay me!! on to the next 5 million things that need to be worked on. wish me luck!!

love by anonymous

i have no idea where i found this, but i wanted to share...

"I love you. It's not a weight you must carry around. I love you. It's not a box that holds you in. I love you. It's not a standard you have to bear. I love you. It's not a sacrifice I make. I love you. It's not a pedestal you are frozen upon. I love you. It's not an expectation of perfection. I love you. It's not my life's whole purpose (or your's). I love you. It's not to make you change. I love you. It's not even to make you love me. I love you. It's as pure and simple as that."

wishing you all a happy and productive week!!

just SMACK!

i see this as an opportunity, this life of mine...

i feel good. gah! i feel so good! i have so many things to be happy for. i have so many blessing to be thankful for. i know that i write so much about the conflicts within myself, but in reality, that's all they are conflicts WITHIN.
some things in my life i can't control. i just can't. but i know that i need to quit focusing on those things. i have a tendency toward dark moods based on what's going on around me. i don't want that. i have to stop that.

sunday morning i hit a wall, just SMACK! right into it. i came to the realization that, all these things that i get caught up in are not important. i'm not here to please anyone else but my loved ones. i want to be a blessing and never a hindrance to anyone. so what am i doing?!

i AM too nice. i know this. people tell me this all the time. i try to help people who don't want to be helped, people who want nothing more than to take advantage of my kindness, people who take and take and take and never give back. i need to work on that...

co and i have a mutual friend that we both just adore, in an 'i love my brother' kind of way. he made an observation the other day and i just have to share it because it holds a great analogy.

"so i saw something pretty cool. a bird got hurt and fell in the backyard. we have 3 bird dogs, so of course they went after it. out of nowhere, like 30 birds came flying in around the fallen bird to protect it. which gave me enough time to save it and get it out of the yard.
... must be nice to know you got friends like that!"

i just loved this so much! THIS is what i want! THIS is the kind of friend i want to be and THIS is the kind of friends i want to surround myself with... i want to go through life uplifting people and loving and sharing!

be gone black cloud!

one of my girls said this when i asked her how she was doing this morning and i thought is was so funny that i had to tweet it:

"i'm plotting murder and trying to figure out how to go lesbo without having to lick anything gross."

yes, my dear friends give me much fodder.

ok, so here's the thing...

i'm seeing way too much negativity and frustration pop up in my life recently. while i know where some of it stems from, i don't know where all of it stems from. and it's making me a little bit nuts! part of it is that it doesn't really have anything to do with me, just the people around me. i'm trying not to get caught up, but people still try to involve me in things that are none of my business.

anyway, so here i am.

what it all comes down to is that i made a commitment to myself to do better and be better. i love and i want to be loved back. i want people to see that, not just through my writing or my facebook posts, but also through my words and actions.
i see some friendships take not just a negative turn, but they are starting to have a toxic effect on my most important relationships, like a black cloud hanging over me. and i just can't have it! i won't have it! i will not let other people ruin the progress that i have made in my life. period.
some people are not going to like it, but i have to do what is best for me and my sanity.

plus, there's that whole thing where i want to just be happy. there are so many things going right in my life. and i want to be able to enjoy that.