the secret keeper

so... yeah... remember how i said that my brain was on hiatus?? well, she still kinda is.

there is all this stuff swirling around me that i can't write about. well, really i could write about it, but not here. i have recently become THE secret keeper for several of my friends. it used to be that they would come to me with little white lies or needing relationship advice or asking my honest opinion about a specific subject.

now, it's more serious than that. some of these secrets are sad and painful and are about fears and sickness. the thing about me is that i am empathic. i feel your sorrow and pain. i worry when you worry and i worry about you when i know something is wrong.

over the years i have tried to disconnect from that, but lately i feel like i'm open, like a wound that won't heal. i'm just wide open to this pain, like there is this huge crack in the wall that took me so long to build. i've been standing at this threshold for a long time. i've been looking at it and looking at it. if i flinch then i'm on the other side.

i flinched!

i'm there now(the physical toll is already apparent). i think i have been for the last month or so. i see myself grabbing for anything that i can get my hands on to pull myself back to the other side and back to sanity.

it's getting harder to hide it.