i did that

ha. i did that!
... i didn't steal anything. i ran! i did my first 5k last month with a couple of my girlies and it was amazing!!! i can't wait for my next one.
these days i run anywhere between 20 and 30 miles a week and i feel great. as with the natural progression of fitness, i've tried a lot of different types of workouts; yoga, crossfit, hiit and now i've started weightlifting. i'm diggin' it! i like the variety and to challenge myself.

in other news: i started a new job about a month ago for a local construction company as a bookkeeper. i'm pretty excited about it. i decided to keep my job with the caterer, so i work 6 and 7 days a week. working as much as i do and going to the gym as much as i do and taking care of my family keeps me pretty busy. busy is good for me.
as always, there are things and people that pop up and throw a wrench into my machine, but things are going pretty smoothly. there are people that i miss from my old life, but i know that they weren't meant to progress with me to this point.
new friendships, old friendships and maybe even a budding relationship... i'm feeling pretty blessed to have these people in my life. i'm not always happy, but i'm getting there.

his

... and his is the same... hehe...

turning the page and turning the page and turning the page...

sigh. all sorts of amazing, wonderful, unexpected things happen when you decide that you deserve more than what you've accepted for so long.

the next thing

life is funny...

one day you're just going along in one direction and the next thing you know someone sweet is bringing you roses.

where

if you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders.

belief

i posted this on the 10th of oct, but i took it down because it hurt too much to leave it. now, i guess it doesn't matter.

i want so badly to believe that these old words spoken with new breath are true. i want to believe that this isn't fleeting. i want to believe that you weren't just caught up in the moment. i want to believe that i am what you want.

the important things are worth fighting for. you are worth fighting for.

angels and innocents

today is dia de los angelitos and tomorrow is dia de los muertos. these are the days that we honor our lost loved ones. the little angels, the innocents and those who have gone on before us. i love this tradition. remembering fondly is so much better than missing.

lately little nuggets of truth and revelations keep falling into my lap. this is not a bad thing. new friends, old friends and changing relationships. ups, downs and in betweens. love, loss and tears. all worth it. love and truth are always worth the tears.

anywho, my birthday turned out pretty great. my sister spent the weekend with me, my brother took me out to sushi, a sweet friend cooked me dinner, another friend brought me wine and another came over for hot toddies. i still have more celebrating to look forward to. tomorrow night is dinner and drinks, saturday is a wine tour with one of my best girls and sunday is dress shopping for the marine corp ball that i've been invited to next month.

cheers to a fabulous weekend my lovelies!

the stupid

i am apparently very accomplished at making of the stupid.

so let me tell you what *I* did last night...

i was invited out by one of my girlies to go to a gay club with her and her boyfriend. now this, this was fun!
it's nice to not having to deal with guys hitting on you all night. because y'all know that i can't stand mr. grabbyhands, mr. letmetrytotakeyouhome or mr. let'sgooutintheparkinglot. instead it was being told how fun and fabulous i am all night.

when i was headed home,  it hit me like a brick to the face that EVERYONE either had someone to go home with or go home to. except me. i was going home by myself. that's what good girls do, right?

well, it hurt. it hurt that i was going home to an empty bed. it hurt and i cried.

i've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how many blankets or pillows you have. blankets and pillows don't know how to snuggle. and me? i'm a snuggler. i'm not the type to have to be wrapped around someone to sleep, i just like the security of knowing that they're there. i know! i'm such a girl!!

sigh. i have a habit of texting when i get home to let certain important people know that i made it home safely. which, i did.
i also have a tendency to text mg what seems to be all of my crazy, she's part of my "girlfriend network". that group of girls that i trust to tell me when i'm being stupid or to stop me from making that phone call or sending that text.
well, remember, i was upset and crying.
my tear-filled eyes did not register that i had just texted gb about being home safe. i stupidly thought i had touched mg's icon, when of course i hadn't. so what did i do? i sent gb a text about him TO him. stupid, stupid, stupid!

no wonder people worry about me sometimes! i obviously can't even operate a smart phone correctly. ugh.

so that encompasses my stupid for the week, i hope. if you need me, i'll be hiding under this rock.

i have my fingers crossed for all of you, that your week is not going as sideways as mine.

rest

sigh. yeah, that.

it's always head vs. heart. they never seem to quite get along completely. they tend to chatter away with no end in site. thus is life, i suppose.

my soul is a bit tired this week. i think i could probably use a snuggle or a hug. again, thus is life.

anyway, gnight my lovelies. sleep sweet.

well, maybe someday.

you know what? if you're gonna hurt me, i don't want to know. so don't tell me. i just want to enjoy what i have. i want to enjoy my little piece of happiness, while i have it.

what a lovely evening!

this is new. whatever this is, it's new and i like it.



(disclaimer: i know where all paths lead. i just don't want to talk about them right now, at least not tonight)

gummy bears in his cupboard

anyone know where i can find this bikini?

yes, i know, i'm a nerd. but wouldn't it be fun for halloween this year?!

anywho, time to take care of a little business around here... remember that wonderful guy that i told you about? well, things are looking up, i suppose. up enough that i needed to figure out what to call him on this here blog.
and me with no imagination for names, i just went ahead and asked him. i did give him a few options, but he didn't want me to call him the pool boy (even though he looks fantastic without his shirt on... heh...)
he decided that he likes 'gator boy'. it makes sense. he has a master's degree in engineering from the university of florida. their mascot is the gator. he's also an officer in the air force. fun, right?


so i've had a couple of you asking me what's going on. tbh, i'm not exactly sure. we've been talking here and there and decided to go have dinner friday night.
i spent most of my day in major anxiety mode, tears and all. 4 miles on the elliptical, a hot shower and even an antihistamine didn't help. the not knowing what to expect and the realization that i'll not ever be ok with a 'just casual' relationship with him really got to me. it's funny how love or the possibility of love affects us.

we had talked about doing a couple of different things, but couldn't quite get it together until after i got to his place. btw, that's usually what we do, i meet him at his place and we go from there.
we ended up going to one of the nicer restaurants in his town. it was such a cute little place and we even got a table toward the back. we talked and joked. it was nice.
we went back to his place and watched a movie and he fed me gummy bears. i adore that he keeps gummy bears in his cupboard for when i visit. we had a lovely night. i know where all that anxiety came from, but it all melted away by halfway through dinner.
he also talked me into staying.
he took me to breakfast the next morning before i headed home, as he should. we have a little place that we like. they have really good coffee.

sigh.

well, i still don't really know what all is going on, but i do think that he needed some time to get his head on straight. i don't think he's done with that yet, but i'm gonna do my best not to stress over it anymore. i have to try to remember that i have no control of what happens, only how i react to it.

here's wishing you all a gorgeous week and blowing you big wet kisses!

something that can never be

some days i want to lash out at you and tell you how much you've hurt me. i want to rage and be angry. i want to tell you how sad i am. my heart hurts for all those things that i'll never have with you. i want to keep all of those amazing, happy memories intact. i don't want to look back in regret. i need to let go. i need to move on. i need to start new. i love you, but i can't do this anymore. i can't keep holding on to something that can never be.

we almost...

antihistamines and soft music

welp, it didn't take long for the insomnia fairy to catch up with me. i guess it took a couple of weeks to acclimate to the time difference. usually antihistamines and soft music are my friend, but apparently only for a few hours tonight/this morning.

like i've said, i'm not sure how long i'll be here so i've started the whole sending out of resumes business. i hate looking for a job, but on the upside, i have a job interview on friday morning. it sounds promising. cross your fingers!

in other news: i get the best phone calls! you know, the kind where sexy musicians play beautiful music on the piano for me. i've heard him on the bass so many times, but on the piano, he's amazing!
he's the one i miss the most.

sigh.

oh heart, do shut up!

those things were real

why? just why?

why does this have to hurt so much?

why does missing someone have to hurt?

tonight, i cry.

tonight, i have pain and can't eat. why is this? what makes tonight any different than any other night in the last 6 weeks? is it the moon? is it some other factor?

maybe it's that i've had so much on my plate, that as i clear these things it makes more time for my gears to turn about things that i would rather forget...

yes, i said forget.

it's easier to try and forget than it is to try and make sense.

the day to day things, they make sense. it's the other things that lie under the surface that don't.

sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind.

but then, i go back and read and know that that's not the case.

those memories really happened. those words were really said. those emotions were really felt. those things were real.

in the end, no matter how we try to fill the void, it's still a void.

i've been hearing pretty words, but from the wrong people. for some reason, that hurts more than not hearing them at all.

maybe i've stepped to far outside of my comfort zone too fast...

i've moved and i'm starting a new job monday morning, but i find myself longing for those other things that have been somewhat of a constant in my life for so long. that's not wrong is it?

*sigh*

moments of bliss

we find rest in those we love, and provide a resting place in ourselves for those who love us ~saint bernard of clairaux

this weekend has been one of great memories. but i have to say, yesterday was one of my favorite days!

it seems like it started in dreams and soft kisses.

warm embraces and pretty little secrets.

silky whispers and moments of bliss.

it ended much the same.

the day was spent with the truest of friends and the wonder and innocence of children.

my heart is so full.

love in any form is amazing!

this positive feeling

the course of true love never did run smooth ~ william shakespeare

i had every intention of making this post into a 'so random', but then started my media player and decided against it.

things have been rough the last few months, but i truly feel like they are starting to get better. this positive feeling is due to a lot of things.

i started a new job last week. i don't know if i had realized that i had even applied for it. i got called on monday to interview tuesday and was offered the job within the first 10min of the interview. it was crazy. they told me that i had all of the qualifications that they had been looking for. i filled out paper work that wednesday and started training that thursday. that's it. and i totally love my job and the people that i work with!

in other news: i finally got my car back today after having to have extensive work done to it. it turns out that someone had been siphoning gas out of my gas tank and had messed up the fuel pump. and that was just a week after getting it back from having the power steering pump and a bunch of other stuff replaced.

in other other news: my mom is coming to visit next month for like a week. i'm so excited about that. i haven't seen her since she was here last summer.

i've been incredibly home sick and have actually considered moving back home to california. i don't really know why now, but it's something that her and i are going to discuss when she's here.

the best part: my time with fr has become more consistent and meaningful lately. this makes me happy. i love it when we get to just talk and carry on about life.

oh, how that man makes me laugh... he's nothing less than amazing!

*dreamy grin* i love it when he sings to me and sways with me :)

interesting

the quote of the weekend: i'm gonna go. give me a high five or you can lick me here. *lifts up shirt*

i've been giggling about it all day!

life is interesting sometimes.

(to clarify: that was said to me, not by me... hehe...)

why don't i blog more?

i was texting with co today and you know what she said? "i blogged today :) why aren't you???" and ya know, i didn't really have a good answer for that. she got the standard answer of "well, it's been hit and miss since last summer"

i got to thinking about it, why don't i blog more? idk *shrugs* i guess part of it is not knowing what to say. things get so jumbled in my head sometimes that they don't come out the way that i intend them to. i know another part of it, is that on some level i've become more of a private person. it's hard to know who to trust and who will take the things that i say and twist them. also, i'm not a fan of people who talk about me behind my back while lying to my face. yes, my lovelies, these kinds of people exist in my life. shocking, right?!

i have no patience for THOSE type of people, they make me twitchy. and 'twitchy me' isn't nice. i can't say that i have that much of a temper. but once the kettle boils over, you better watch out.

so i guess that's why.

anywho, i've been having a string of weird, but mostly wonderful weekends. so that's a huge plus! i've had a lot of great times with wonderful friends. and while sometimes i think they're evil for MAKING me get outta the house, i love them dearly for it. the life of a hermit, while appealing, is not exactly healthy for me.

in other news: late night texts, phone calls and visits are in full effect! as well as the daytime version of the same :) it was nice being the one without the drama this weekend!

lifelines

when you think your world is falling down around you, that's when your lifelines come to pick your spirit up. this is why i love my wonderful friends. they give me strength when i have none left.

text messages, a phone call and a surprise visit have made my week a lot brighter than it was. i'm a lucky girl to have people who truly care about me in my life!

i'm working on it

being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. ~lao tzu

this quote apparently has been all over twitter and of course ended up on my facebook page...

i'm up way past my bedtime, but i'm watching my beautiful little girl sleep.

anywho, i was reading through these posts from when i took my little break.(i have 8 of them, by the way) one day when the dust has settled and cleared, i will post them. in these posts i talk about things that have happened that have had such an effect on me that they've in part changed the way that i think about life.

i was happy before. i mean, i've always been happy fundamentally, but i was really loving life. i want to get back to that. i'm working on it.

in other news: i had an amazing new years! this was the first time in 10yrs that i got to dress up and got to go out on the town. it was nice to put on a party dress and see what all the excitement was about.

in other other news: text messages and late night conversations happened...

remember that thing i said was over? well, it's kinda not. then again, it might be... idk. *sigh* there is much conversation that still needs to happen, but i know that i'm just not ready to close the door yet.

more on that later, i suppose.

the rear view

i keep reading all of these recaps and resolutions and whatnot about this last year and the year to come and it got me thinking...

for me, 2010 was a year of extremes. it was the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. there has been love, passion, hope, sadness, loss, grief and so much more in between. my hope for me and for you is that this coming year will be filled with less extremes and more happiness.

i know we could all use some happiness.