Monday, May 31, 2010

seeking clarity

"well, i guess i'll have to cancel my sailboat ride to israel..." ~funny quote from a friend.
i know it's supposed to have to do with the current news, but i thought it was a funny thing to say.

today... today is monday. also, it's memorial day. i think we've already established that i hate mondays. mondays are usually when i try to get my head on straight about the weekend that i just had.

this weekend falls in the 'odd' category. *sigh* i'm kinda back to being conflicted about things. i see things. i do things. i want things.
i'm looking for something like a sign to tell me what direction to go in. i'm trying to figure out what is worth pursuing. and if it is worth pursuing, then what's the right way to do that? what path do i take?

recently i have been tested and on some level, i think i have more clarity concerning some things in my life. i know that i have lost focus for a bit. i'm trying to gain that back. i know that i am the only one that knows my wants and needs. and that i need to make them clear to all parties concerned, because how else are they going to know, unless i tell them?

anyway, happy memorial day!! don't forget to thank a vet :)

Friday, May 28, 2010

so random: fawk you friday!! 3rd ed.

alright!! it fawk you friday again!!

let's get this crackin'!!

this week has been kinda rough on me as evidenced by some of my previous posts... as a result i have a tendency to analyze myself and the things and people around me. i have examined some friendships and have found them wanting.

therefore, it is time to CLEAR THE DECK!!

BWS tips button

so, today i say...

fawk you anxiety!!
fawk you cancer!!
fawk you parasites who try to take advantage of my generosity!!
fawk you exhaustion that comes from not getting enough sleep!!
fawk you dudes that take advantage of my chicas!!
fawk you negativity that creeps in when i'm not paying enough attention!!
fawk you condescending jerks that think you can talk down to me!!

ahhh... i'm glad i got that out... now it's your turn!!

thanks to our gracious host at boobies, babies, and a blog.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

so random: confessions... and other stuff

short conversation between me and the boy the other day:
him: "i don't have to wear sunglasses, the sun doesn't hurt my eyes"
me: "it does mine"
him: "probly 'cause you're oooooold"
me: "oh, thanks"

*sigh* geeze... there's nothing like your 7yr old son to point out that you're getting older... say "goodbye confidence"
most days i still try and hang on to the fact that i'm still in my 20s, but having a kid that just finished 2nd grade doesn't help matters.

i always have so much going on in this head of mine, that sometimes i just need to get it all out...

random fact #1: i'm feeling very introverted and a little cranky today. i feel like i'm still trying to grab onto something to pull myself up by... it's like there is that 'thing' that is right there in front of me that i can't see and i can't quite reach. i'm working on it though.

random fact #2: sometimes i fake it... not THAT(faking THAT would be a disservice to myself, kwim?). i mean that i fake 'happy' sometimes. like right now... unless, i've talked to you personally or you've read some of my recent posts, then you wouldn't know that things aren't going super awesome in my life.
people post depressing statuses on facebook and myspace all the time, but to me that's kinda dumb. no one else REALLY cares if you're absolutely miserable or brokenhearted or depressed, only people that truly care about you do that. plus, there is that whole thing where i don't like everyone (meaning my 340something fb friends) knowing all my business, except for you guys... but even then, i don't over-share.

random fact #3: my now 4yr old daughter has taken up residence in my bed at night. this wouldn't be so much of an issue for me, if i didn't sleep with my laptop...
yes, i sleep with my laptop in the bed... *sigh*
it started out that i would just fall asleep with it on. it's gotten to a point now that i've actually made a specific music playlist to sleep to. i know! i'm addicted, but there are way worse things to be addicted to, so there's that.

random fact #4: i'm quickly going blond, not on purpose though. what i really want is blond highlights and pink panels underneath. i had them for a day, but they washed out. i'm not really sure why. it's possible that my stylist didn't let the pink process long enough, because they were supposed to be permanent.
i've decided not to go back to the dark brunette that i had in the fall and winter, but only because it messed with my confidence a little bit. the blond seems to fit my personality a lot better, or at least that's what i've been told.

random fact #5: i don't like it when chicks come-on to me. in fact, i've decided that it really weirds me out, like bad.

random fact #6: i hate confrontation. like seriously!! i'm a puss until i've been pushed to my breaking point. i've been told so many times that i'm just too nice. i guess it's because i try to have patience with people, because you never know what they are really going though or what they may be struggling with.

i think that's all for now, but maybe more later...

Monday, May 24, 2010

in the middle

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. everything, everything will be just fine. everything will be alright... ~jimmy eat world

remember that song? it's kinda from back in the day(2001) almost 10 years ago. i heard it the other day on the radio and got a little nostalgic.

this was an odd weekend. not odd in the things that happened really, but odd in where my head is at. i think the fact that i haven't had nearly enough sleep is messing with my head. i think it's kinda messing with my confidence too. *sigh* i try so hard to stay out of this funk, but it doesn't always work.
i woke up this morning kinda just 'over it'. i'm over the struggle. this single mom stuff is not easy. and things just keep getting dropped in my lap.
my situation is def not ideal. in fact there are some days that i just want to escape from it all. today is a day like that, when i kinda feel like crying.
it's weird! i really don't get it. i'm usually stronger than this. i just know that i'm tired and don't want to deal with anyone else's crap today.

i've also noticed recently that i have people in my life that have become some what parasitic. this is bad. i'm starting to feel kinda used and i really don't like it.

i know that i need to take better care of myself right now. i feel like i'm running out, not sure of what, but just running out of something. i need to recharge. i need to feed my soul. i need to be petted and taken care of.

Friday, May 21, 2010

so random: fawk you friday!!

"sometimes i aim to please... but mostly, i shoot to kill... " hahahaha...

h*lls yeah!!

it's fawk you friday again!! and i'm feeling snippy today :D

i'm in a great mood, but i'm tired from the weeks previous events of non fun. i haven't had nearly enough sleep to get ready for this weekend. so the smart*ssery is strong today...

BWS tips button

so, today i say...

fawk you cancer!! i've beat you, i know others can too!!
fawk you crazy bullsh*t that i shouldn't have to be dealing with right now!!
fawk you to the sorry waste of space that hurt my little girl!!
fawk you insomnia!!
fawk you night terrors!! we're gonna beat you!!
fawk you negativity!!
fawk you people who tell other people how to live their lives!!

ahhh... i feel better now. how about you??

btw, happy friday!! i'm def doing my friday dance... gettin down with some dirty heads today :)

thanks to our gracious host at boobies, babies, and a blog.

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

my breaking point : update

i am officially exhausted...

the last 3 nights have been rough. because the girl had been up so many times sunday night, she was exhausted monday. the only way that she could sleep was for me to hold her. i held her til 2am, dozing on and off and finally had to go crawl in bed. i didn't sleep long.
4:30am and i was UP and i wasn't happy about it. she was up shortly after that, so we got the day started. we leave the house before 7am on weekdays, so it wasn't too too much of a stretch.
last night i dozed on the couch on and off with her(that's the other thing, she wont sleep in her bed right now). she was only up 3 times, so that's progress. i was mostly awake and talked on the phone with co until 2am. (remind me to tell you about her one of these days... she's amazing! <3) i finally got in the bed sometime after 3am and was up by 5:30.

shew! today my eyes burn and my body is starting to feel heavy and sore. it's not even lunch time yet, and i'm going to have to put my hair up and get some more caffeine in me, quick!

Monday, May 17, 2010

my breaking point

deep breathe in... and out... deep breathe in... and out...

crying at work doesn't sound like a great idea right now, so i'm trying not to lose it today *sigh*

if any of you know me at all, then you know that the kidlets are the most important people in my life. i do everything that i can to protect them and shelter them from the whacked out sh*t that happens in life and the world in general. this is so hard sometimes...

yesterday was the girl's 4th birthday. we celebrated the way we usually celebrate birthdays in our house. mama cooks whatever you want including any kind of desert that you want and we have a quiet family day. so last night i made broccoli and beef for supper and we had strawberry banana shortcake for desert per the birthday girl's request.

we got half way through dessert, and my sweet girl started bawling. she couldn't understand why her father couldn't come to her 'birthday party'. my baby girl was hurting.

the heart of my heart had pain and sadness that i couldn't fix. i couldn't just kiss her booboo and make it all better. it was all i could do to not break down until the kidlets were in bed.

this sorry excuse for a human being called her to wish her a happy birthday earlier in the day. after being completely MIA for the last 2 months, he calls... OMG!! WTF!! are you f*cking kidding me?!?!
she didn't tell him she missed him or even that she loved him. no surprise there...

he's so selfish! he tried to sell me some line about how he felt like i thought it was a bad idea for him to see her anymore and it hurt his feelings. you're joking, right?! so because he got his 'feelings' hurt he just up and disappeared? because HIS feelings factor into what when it comes to what's right for my little girl??
no sh*t i don't think it's a good idea for him to see her! he's not stable and he wont stay on his meds. where is the draw here?? where's that thing within him that makes me want to trust him with my little girl?? i don't see it... do you??

needless to say, we had a pretty rough night. i don't even know how many times she woke up crying. i talked her into sleeping in my bed for a little while so i could hold her, but she still got up and roamed around.

i have never hated anyone in my life. but today, i know how it feels to hate. it makes me sick to my stomach. i am so angry!
i don't want to hate anybody. this is just beyond what i can handle. i have been pushed to my breaking point. so when i say i don't want to cry, it's angry tears i'm talking about.

Friday, May 14, 2010

so random: fawk you friday!!

oh wow!!

this is a whole new concept for me... eep!

i'm not usually one to be all pissy on fridays. on the contrary, i love fridays! i love the idea that i don't have to go to work or even take off my pajamas if i don't want to.

hehe... but you all know that i'm always trying to do something fun!

BWS tips button

so, today i say...

fawk you cancer!!
fawk you jerks that can't get off your high horse to help babies!
fawk you insomnia!!
fawk you anxiety!!
fawk you negativity!!
fawk you coward that is the girl's father!!

p.s. here is a better explanation for how this came about than i could give you.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

outside in the sunshine

today, i'm tired. like more tired than usual. i think i could have slept another 5 hours this morning instead of getting up.
this weekend was looooong, but not in a bad way. i just didn't get a lot of sleep, but that was mostly self inflicted. mostly.

friday night i went to fr's show. that was just a weird night. it ended good though, so yay for that!

saturday, i spent the day running around and shopping with the kidlets and my friends 15yr old daughter. that was def interesting. oh, to be 15 again...
saturday night was spent drinking wine and goofing off with rt. she's hilarious!

oh yeah, and yay for late night texting and phone calls before bed! those are the best :)

i spent sunday with the kidlets. it was so nice and relaxing. they played outside in the sunshine. i really think that all sundays should be like that.

also, i had some late night conversation that lasted til the wee hours of the morning. i think it was productive. *crosses fingers*

Friday, May 7, 2010

flashing gang signs

did you know that you have to empty the hot chocolate packet INTO the cup and then add water?? apparently my brain didn't engage that today... i got hot water and the packet just sat there on the counter. it was great!

i had a moment last night where, if i was actually looking at the words that i was hearing, i so would have done a double take... and not in a good way. i would have been shooting them dirty looks and flashing them gang sign.

things are not how i want them. not that i know how i want them to be RIGHT NOW... i know the direction that i want to travel. i have a vague idea of how i think things should end. i'm just not sure how i'm going to get there. on a boat, in a canoe, on foot, doing cartwheels... i have no clue.
i want to keep moving, but sometimes i think that i'm moving further away from the things that i want. i don't want to just stand still, because i'm afraid of either stagnating or getting run over. does that mean i should go faster or slower? or change directions?
to be honest, i kinda want to crawl under a rock for a bit. can i do that?? that's standing still isn't it??


yay anxiety and conflict!! you rock! thanks for f*ckin with my head!!

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

going swimming...

ok seriously?!?

i think i must have mommy brain today! i totally just had to get out the day planner to figure out what the h* i've been doing the last idk how many days...


i see what happened...

the boy stayed with his stepmother for the weekend. so friday was a quiet night at home. just me and the girl. in other words, i was in bed at a decent hour. yay sleep!!

saturday was when everything got a little crazy.

the girl and i had a great day! we spent part of it ransacking the kidlets room and getting some spring cleaning done.
in the afternoon we got our nails done and went shopping. she loves getting her nails painted at the nail shop, it's such a treat.

saturday night lb and i went to fr's show. i couldn't tell you how long it's been since lb and i have had an actually night out together.
we danced, we drank, and we even watched the lead singer do this lifeguard move to pull some random girl off of fr. i'm still laughing about that...

there were a few little hiccups in the night, but it ended with a smile :)