Wednesday, December 26, 2012

the next thing

life is funny...

one day you're just going along in one direction and the next thing you know someone sweet is bringing you roses.

Thursday, December 20, 2012

people ask me

people ask me all the time why i'm single. i'm cute, i'm fun to be around, i cook, i take good care of the kidlets, i'm family oriented and i work hard. apparently these things are attractive.

my only answer is that i have high standards and shrug at them. i date, i meet new people all the time, but there just isn't the connection. maybe it's that i'm not enough drama or prissy and girly and helpless? i have no idea.
there are plenty of guys that are smitten, but I guess if i'm that intimidating to ones that i'm actually attracted to, i don't want that anyway.

Monday, December 3, 2012


if you want to know where your heart is, look where your mind goes when it wanders.

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

the dress

well, my darlings, here it is! the dress!
the gloves are soft pink and the shawl was bought at an auction. i'm told it was once owned by debbie reynolds. you can't see my pearl bracelet or my sapphire earrings, but they're there.

buying this gown was a nightmare, but only because buying anything formal off the rack isn't ideal when you're shaped more like an hourglass than a stick. this i had forgotten from so many years past. i used to buy them 2 sizes too big and have the waist and hips taken in. i chose this one, because it was a corset and could be cinched in.

in case you ever wondered, this is the lifestyle that i grew up in. formal gowns at least 4, but probably 6 or more times a year. this is part of the life of quiet smiles and obligation that i so quickly ran away from when i married at 19. and am now stepping ever so hesitantly back into.

anyway, the marine corps ball was a total blast! celebrating the 237th birthday of the u.s. marine corps was a pretty unique experience. i had a lot of fun with my boys.

my boys, that's what i call them. guys that i grew up with that treat me like their little sister. i really like that i have friends like that. they understand that friendships aren't always cut and dried and that relationships are never just black and white. my boys respect me and are always instinctively trying to protect me and they would drop what they were doing to help me if i needed it. it all fits together in that little sister package.

i think i missed that in tn. i missed being able to really trust people. it is getting easier to let my guard down a bit more with so much family and old friends around. letting my guard down isn't always a good thing, but i'm always learning and growing.

Monday, November 12, 2012


i posted this on the 10th of oct, but i took it down because it hurt too much to leave it. now, i guess it doesn't matter.

i want so badly to believe that these old words spoken with new breath are true. i want to believe that this isn't fleeting. i want to believe that you weren't just caught up in the moment. i want to believe that i am what you want.

the important things are worth fighting for. you are worth fighting for.

Friday, November 2, 2012

angels and innocents

today is dia de los angelitos and tomorrow is dia de los muertos. these are the days that we honor our lost loved ones. the little angels, the innocents and those who have gone on before us. i love this tradition. remembering fondly is so much better than missing.

lately little nuggets of truth and revelations keep falling into my lap. this is not a bad thing. new friends, old friends and changing relationships. ups, downs and in betweens. love, loss and tears. all worth it. love and truth are always worth the tears.

anywho, my birthday turned out pretty great. my sister spent the weekend with me, my brother took me out to sushi, a sweet friend cooked me dinner, another friend brought me wine and another came over for hot toddies. i still have more celebrating to look forward to. tomorrow night is dinner and drinks, saturday is a wine tour with one of my best girls and sunday is dress shopping for the marine corp ball that i've been invited to next month.

cheers to a fabulous weekend my lovelies!

Monday, October 22, 2012

under a blanket

i can be sad about my birthday, right?

this is my last night as a 30yr old and i'm spending it on the couch under a blanket with a bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup. i think i'm doing it right, but i just wish that i wasn't doing it alone.

maybe tomorrow i'll treat myself to a soy latte at starbuck's.
happy birthday me.

Friday, October 5, 2012

the pieces

*scoops up pieces of broken heart*
*hands them to you*
here, go put this somewhere. i don't want it anymore.

i can't seem to hide my brokenness from you, like i can everyone else. i don't understand it and i certainly don't like it.

you're everything that i would want for myself, but can never have.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

the stupid

i am apparently very accomplished at making of the stupid.

so let me tell you what *I* did last night...

i was invited out by one of my girlies to go to a gay club with her and her boyfriend. now this, this was fun!
it's nice to not having to deal with guys hitting on you all night. because y'all know that i can't stand mr. grabbyhands, mr. letmetrytotakeyouhome or mr. let'sgooutintheparkinglot. instead it was being told how fun and fabulous i am all night.

when i was headed home,  it hit me like a brick to the face that EVERYONE either had someone to go home with or go home to. except me. i was going home by myself. that's what good girls do, right?

well, it hurt. it hurt that i was going home to an empty bed. it hurt and i cried.

i've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how many blankets or pillows you have. blankets and pillows don't know how to snuggle. and me? i'm a snuggler. i'm not the type to have to be wrapped around someone to sleep, i just like the security of knowing that they're there. i know! i'm such a girl!!

sigh. i have a habit of texting when i get home to let certain important people know that i made it home safely. which, i did.
i also have a tendency to text mg what seems to be all of my crazy, she's part of my "girlfriend network". that group of girls that i trust to tell me when i'm being stupid or to stop me from making that phone call or sending that text.
well, remember, i was upset and crying.
my tear-filled eyes did not register that i had just texted gb about being home safe. i stupidly thought i had touched mg's icon, when of course i hadn't. so what did i do? i sent gb a text about him TO him. stupid, stupid, stupid!

no wonder people worry about me sometimes! i obviously can't even operate a smart phone correctly. ugh.

so that encompasses my stupid for the week, i hope. if you need me, i'll be hiding under this rock.

i have my fingers crossed for all of you, that your week is not going as sideways as mine.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

but we do it

"you know that place between sleep and awake? that place where you still remember dreaming? that's where i'll always love you... peter pan. that's where i'll be waiting."

you can think that someone is so wonderful and amazing that you don't want to face them in your dreams, right?  i'm pretty sure that's why i didn't sleep last night. i was afraid.

accepting others' decisions isn't always easy, but we do it.  we do it, because we love them.

some people never understand what it is to truly love someone. it's giving without expectation. it's putting their needs and wants before your own. it's the need to protect them from the sad things in the world.
now, i'm not entirely selfless. i still have my bouts of jealousy, of anger, of confusion, of fear. i'm selfish and far from indestructible. but that doesn't mean that i stop loving.

i'm blessed to have the people that i have in my life. some are close, some are far away. i love them. that doesn't make me weak or broken. that makes me strong and confident. that makes me kind and tender. that makes me brave.

that twinkle in my eye? that's love, that's hope, that's knowing what i'm capable of. that's excitement for this adventure.

i'm still learning and growing. i like that about me.

Monday, October 1, 2012

wanting and having

"or you can come home"     a very sweet man said that to me today.


it had not occurred to me to turn around and go back to tennessee at this point. i know i'm still needed here. my grandma is still in hospice and my mother is getting ready to go out of the country for a couple of weeks.

life seems to always be full of decisions, decisions, decisions. where there is love, there is not a life to live; where there is a life, there is nothing more than a strong affection. i think i was happy to leave those types of decisions behind me. though, i suppose, by coming here i made a decision to accept being alone.
i believe i still struggle with that one.

i can want and wish and hope, but it seems that wanting and having never seem to overlap. though, lately they have gotten awfully close.

oh! a piece of happy news:

mg is getting married. i couldn't be more excited for her! her fiance is so good to her and her daughter. she deserves so much happiness!

Thursday, September 27, 2012


sigh. yeah, that.

it's always head vs. heart. they never seem to quite get along completely. they tend to chatter away with no end in site. thus is life, i suppose.

my soul is a bit tired this week. i think i could probably use a snuggle or a hug. again, thus is life.

anyway, gnight my lovelies. sleep sweet.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

well, maybe someday.

you know what? if you're gonna hurt me, i don't want to know. so don't tell me. i just want to enjoy what i have. i want to enjoy my little piece of happiness, while i have it.

what a lovely evening!

this is new. whatever this is, it's new and i like it.

(disclaimer: i know where all paths lead. i just don't want to talk about them right now, at least not tonight)

Wednesday, September 19, 2012


so yeah... the laundry, it seems like it never ends. i try to stay caught up, but you know how it goes.

but hey, it's wednesday.

what do i do on wednesday nights you ask?
well, since we've been here, in the great state of california, my mom has taken the kidlet or kidlets with her to have dinner with my grandpa. that's their wednesday night thing.

so me, i have a free night in the middle of the week to do whatever i want; watch movies, catch up with friends, date, run away with the circus, play frogger with oncoming traffic etc.
last wednesday it was cheesy egg scramble for dinner, the vampire diaries on netflix and raspberry sherbet out of the carton for dessert. shhhh... don't tell anyone!

welp, i figured i'd share a little of my zen with you this week the woman i love by jason mraz  mmm... it's good stuff! makes my heart a little bit happier, i hope it does yours too!

big exes and ohs for you all!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

so random: strong

strong woman cry behind closed doors, fight battles that most are unaware of and judge themselves, not others.

random fact #1: i got my feelings hurt friday night; that's right, i'm not made of stone. instead of standing up for myself and making it known, i just went along like everything was fine. i just let it go. i didn't want to ruin things.
in a way though, maybe i AM ruining things. maybe allowing this person to think that i'm just ok with things the way that they are is doing myself a disservice. ugh. i'm sure that i'm probably just over thinking it and i'll be fine tomorrow. i'm just being oversensitive and letting my vulnerability show.

gotta work on that vulnerability thing.

random fact #2: i finally found myself a job. i'm pretty excited about it, like in a big way. i feel like i've been looking foreeeeeeever. finally i'll be able to get back with a more normal routine.

random fact #3: i've lost 11lbs since i moved here. crazy, right? well, i've been trying to take better care of myself. i'm so over the pain, the headaches, the random bruising and the blood pressure issues. so i started getting a lot more physical and eating cleaner. when you don't have people looking at you like you're insane for wanting to take better care of yourself, it's easy.
i stopped eating gluten all together and that seems to have had a positive affect on my digestion. yay for a happy tummy!
i now work out/walk/cardio at least 4-5 days a week. now this has made a HUGE difference. i feel stronger and happier and more alert. yay endorphins!!

random fact #4: i stopped drinking. that might fall under the losing weight thing, but i think it deserves to have it's own line/category. i don't have to drink to have a good time, i never have.
after giving it quite a bit of thought, i've realized that i have a tendency to use alcohol as something to make me forget or as an escape. i also use it to curb my anxiety. it's fun when it's a social lubricant, but only in moderation.

i also want to be supportive of others around me that have stopped drinking recently.

random fact #5: gator boy and i watched the tennessee vs. florida game together today. we went to a sports bar in town and ate bar food. it was a great time! i missed having someone to do stuff like that with.
living in tennessee, i never lacked for company or someone to go do something with. not that i do now, but i prefer the company of gb over most others. some days gb and mg are the only 2 people in the world that i want to hear from, aside from the kidlets of course.

so that's it for me, for now.

it's funny; before, on a saturday night after a game, i would be somewhere in something short and great shoes listening to live music. now, i'm at home in pajama pants and monkey slippers (still great shoes) listening to pandora. it seems like it was another world sometimes, but we can reminisce about life another day.

sending you big hugs and dreams of butterflies!

Saturday, September 15, 2012


well... you are!

i am too.

sometimes when we are discouraged and close to giving up, we need someone to tell us something like this. i know i do.
hearing that someone else is proud of you and that you're doing a good job means so much more than you realize. a smile, a hug, small words of encouragement can be the push that you need to make it through.

be brave. give love. share courage.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

gummy bears in his cupboard

anyone know where i can find this bikini?

yes, i know, i'm a nerd. but wouldn't it be fun for halloween this year?!

anywho, time to take care of a little business around here... remember that wonderful guy that i told you about? well, things are looking up, i suppose. up enough that i needed to figure out what to call him on this here blog.
and me with no imagination for names, i just went ahead and asked him. i did give him a few options, but he didn't want me to call him the pool boy (even though he looks fantastic without his shirt on... heh...)
he decided that he likes 'gator boy'. it makes sense. he has a master's degree in engineering from the university of florida. their mascot is the gator. he's also an officer in the air force. fun, right?

so i've had a couple of you asking me what's going on. tbh, i'm not exactly sure. we've been talking here and there and decided to go have dinner friday night.
i spent most of my day in major anxiety mode, tears and all. 4 miles on the elliptical, a hot shower and even an antihistamine didn't help. the not knowing what to expect and the realization that i'll not ever be ok with a 'just casual' relationship with him really got to me. it's funny how love or the possibility of love affects us.

we had talked about doing a couple of different things, but couldn't quite get it together until after i got to his place. btw, that's usually what we do, i meet him at his place and we go from there.
we ended up going to one of the nicer restaurants in his town. it was such a cute little place and we even got a table toward the back. we talked and joked. it was nice.
we went back to his place and watched a movie and he fed me gummy bears. i adore that he keeps gummy bears in his cupboard for when i visit. we had a lovely night. i know where all that anxiety came from, but it all melted away by halfway through dinner.
he also talked me into staying.
he took me to breakfast the next morning before i headed home, as he should. we have a little place that we like. they have really good coffee.


well, i still don't really know what all is going on, but i do think that he needed some time to get his head on straight. i don't think he's done with that yet, but i'm gonna do my best not to stress over it anymore. i have to try to remember that i have no control of what happens, only how i react to it.

here's wishing you all a gorgeous week and blowing you big wet kisses!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

warm blooded american female

welp, i hate dating.

i figured i'd let you know, just in case you didn't already know that about me. here i finally go and tell you about this wonderful guy that i've met and less than 2 weeks later he's confused/scared/catching feelings/whatever. sigh. this is stupid. trusting someone to love you properly is one of the hardest things to do. and it's even harder to not beat yourself up over it when it all turns to sh*t.

i want what any warm blooded american female wants, to be loved, to have a solid family life, to have a best friend and someone to share my future with. and really?! who doesn't want to go to sleep and wake up with someone that you love and who loves you in return??


i'm not mad at him or anything like that. i just don't know what to do with myself right now. do i wait it out? or do i move on? *shrug* guess i'll try to take my own advice and give it some time.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012


the trouble with being a chameleon is that though you can fit in anywhere, you never know where you truly belong.

reality is hard.

i'm ready for things to start settling down. too many things are happening all at once. you would think that i would feel more settled now that i'm here with family, but most of the time it's the opposite.

as time goes by i feel even more like a high flying acrobat without a net. i suppose it's insecurity in myself or the things going on around me. in a way, i want to retreat. but retreat back to what? there is nothing anywhere else to go back to.

i still have the uncanny ability to put myself in some of the stupidest situations. though, sometimes i tend to think that maybe i'm just overreaching with my heart.
either way, stupid.

i know some of this sounds a bit enigmatic, but it's all still tangled like old shoelaces. there's been old friends, a funeral, airplanes, hospitals, arguments, not enough music and way to much alcohol. and love, there's been love, but even that is confusing and complicated.

i will be happy when things start making more sense.

(no metaphors were hurt in the writing of this post)

Friday, August 17, 2012

just what i needed

all we want is someone that wants our everything.

so... i've met someone. go ahead and let that sink in.

i'm always so hesitant to tell you all about new people in my life, because i never really know how long they are going to stick around. but this guy, he's... well, he's wonderful. we've been seeing each other for almost 7 weeks.
while my heart has been breaking elsewhere in my life, he's been my bright star in this storm. i think he knows that he's been looking for someone like me as well. or so he says when he says that i'm just what he needed.
he says that this is my song just what i needed by the cars. i adore that he gets it with the music!
he's a sweet, sincere kind of guy. he treats me like a human being. i don't know that i've ever had someone treat me so well and want so much of me. this is def new territory for me. it's amazing and absolutely terrifying at the same time.

being with someone that brings you joy, that's the goal, right?

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

something that can never be

some days i want to lash out at you and tell you how much you've hurt me. i want to rage and be angry. i want to tell you how sad i am. my heart hurts for all those things that i'll never have with you. i want to keep all of those amazing, happy memories intact. i don't want to look back in regret. i need to let go. i need to move on. i need to start new. i love you, but i can't do this anymore. i can't keep holding on to something that can never be.

we almost...

Tuesday, July 10, 2012

antihistamines and soft music

welp, it didn't take long for the insomnia fairy to catch up with me. i guess it took a couple of weeks to acclimate to the time difference. usually antihistamines and soft music are my friend, but apparently only for a few hours tonight/this morning.

like i've said, i'm not sure how long i'll be here so i've started the whole sending out of resumes business. i hate looking for a job, but on the upside, i have a job interview on friday morning. it sounds promising. cross your fingers!

in other news: i get the best phone calls! you know, the kind where sexy musicians play beautiful music on the piano for me. i've heard him on the bass so many times, but on the piano, he's amazing!
he's the one i miss the most.


oh heart, do shut up!

Tuesday, July 3, 2012

new adventures

hey kids! i'm back.

i've had some growing up to do, i suppose.

i've had some heart break to put behind me as well.

because of family obligations, i'm in california. i'm not sure for how long. while i am here, i am HERE. maybe this is a new start on a new life or it could be just a fresh perspective on the life that i so long ago left behind. i guess we'll just have to wait and see.

cheers to new adventures!