i did that

ha. i did that!
... i didn't steal anything. i ran! i did my first 5k last month with a couple of my girlies and it was amazing!!! i can't wait for my next one.
these days i run anywhere between 20 and 30 miles a week and i feel great. as with the natural progression of fitness, i've tried a lot of different types of workouts; yoga, crossfit, hiit and now i've started weightlifting. i'm diggin' it! i like the variety and to challenge myself.

in other news: i started a new job about a month ago for a local construction company as a bookkeeper. i'm pretty excited about it. i decided to keep my job with the caterer, so i work 6 and 7 days a week. working as much as i do and going to the gym as much as i do and taking care of my family keeps me pretty busy. busy is good for me.
as always, there are things and people that pop up and throw a wrench into my machine, but things are going pretty smoothly. there are people that i miss from my old life, but i know that they weren't meant to progress with me to this point.
new friendships, old friendships and maybe even a budding relationship... i'm feeling pretty blessed to have these people in my life. i'm not always happy, but i'm getting there.

under a blanket

i can be sad about my birthday, right?

this is my last night as a 30yr old and i'm spending it on the couch under a blanket with a bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup. i think i'm doing it right, but i just wish that i wasn't doing it alone.

maybe tomorrow i'll treat myself to a soy latte at starbuck's.
happy birthday me.

the pieces

*scoops up pieces of broken heart*
*hands them to you*
here, go put this somewhere. i don't want it anymore.

i can't seem to hide my brokenness from you, like i can everyone else. i don't understand it and i certainly don't like it.

you're everything that i would want for myself, but can never have.

but we do it

"you know that place between sleep and awake? that place where you still remember dreaming? that's where i'll always love you... peter pan. that's where i'll be waiting."

you can think that someone is so wonderful and amazing that you don't want to face them in your dreams, right?  i'm pretty sure that's why i didn't sleep last night. i was afraid.

accepting others' decisions isn't always easy, but we do it.  we do it, because we love them.

some people never understand what it is to truly love someone. it's giving without expectation. it's putting their needs and wants before your own. it's the need to protect them from the sad things in the world.
now, i'm not entirely selfless. i still have my bouts of jealousy, of anger, of confusion, of fear. i'm selfish and far from indestructible. but that doesn't mean that i stop loving.

i'm blessed to have the people that i have in my life. some are close, some are far away. i love them. that doesn't make me weak or broken. that makes me strong and confident. that makes me kind and tender. that makes me brave.

that twinkle in my eye? that's love, that's hope, that's knowing what i'm capable of. that's excitement for this adventure.

i'm still learning and growing. i like that about me.

wanting and having

"or you can come home"     a very sweet man said that to me today.

hmm...

it had not occurred to me to turn around and go back to tennessee at this point. i know i'm still needed here. my grandma is still in hospice and my mother is getting ready to go out of the country for a couple of weeks.

life seems to always be full of decisions, decisions, decisions. where there is love, there is not a life to live; where there is a life, there is nothing more than a strong affection. i think i was happy to leave those types of decisions behind me. though, i suppose, by coming here i made a decision to accept being alone.
i believe i still struggle with that one.

i can want and wish and hope, but it seems that wanting and having never seem to overlap. though, lately they have gotten awfully close.


oh! a piece of happy news:

mg is getting married. i couldn't be more excited for her! her fiance is so good to her and her daughter. she deserves so much happiness!

well, maybe someday.

you know what? if you're gonna hurt me, i don't want to know. so don't tell me. i just want to enjoy what i have. i want to enjoy my little piece of happiness, while i have it.

what a lovely evening!

this is new. whatever this is, it's new and i like it.



(disclaimer: i know where all paths lead. i just don't want to talk about them right now, at least not tonight)

laundry

so yeah... the laundry, it seems like it never ends. i try to stay caught up, but you know how it goes.

but hey, it's wednesday.

what do i do on wednesday nights you ask?
well, since we've been here, in the great state of california, my mom has taken the kidlet or kidlets with her to have dinner with my grandpa. that's their wednesday night thing.

so me, i have a free night in the middle of the week to do whatever i want; watch movies, catch up with friends, date, run away with the circus, play frogger with oncoming traffic etc.
last wednesday it was cheesy egg scramble for dinner, the vampire diaries on netflix and raspberry sherbet out of the carton for dessert. shhhh... don't tell anyone!

welp, i figured i'd share a little of my zen with you this week the woman i love by jason mraz  mmm... it's good stuff! makes my heart a little bit happier, i hope it does yours too!

big exes and ohs for you all!

gummy bears in his cupboard

anyone know where i can find this bikini?

yes, i know, i'm a nerd. but wouldn't it be fun for halloween this year?!

anywho, time to take care of a little business around here... remember that wonderful guy that i told you about? well, things are looking up, i suppose. up enough that i needed to figure out what to call him on this here blog.
and me with no imagination for names, i just went ahead and asked him. i did give him a few options, but he didn't want me to call him the pool boy (even though he looks fantastic without his shirt on... heh...)
he decided that he likes 'gator boy'. it makes sense. he has a master's degree in engineering from the university of florida. their mascot is the gator. he's also an officer in the air force. fun, right?


so i've had a couple of you asking me what's going on. tbh, i'm not exactly sure. we've been talking here and there and decided to go have dinner friday night.
i spent most of my day in major anxiety mode, tears and all. 4 miles on the elliptical, a hot shower and even an antihistamine didn't help. the not knowing what to expect and the realization that i'll not ever be ok with a 'just casual' relationship with him really got to me. it's funny how love or the possibility of love affects us.

we had talked about doing a couple of different things, but couldn't quite get it together until after i got to his place. btw, that's usually what we do, i meet him at his place and we go from there.
we ended up going to one of the nicer restaurants in his town. it was such a cute little place and we even got a table toward the back. we talked and joked. it was nice.
we went back to his place and watched a movie and he fed me gummy bears. i adore that he keeps gummy bears in his cupboard for when i visit. we had a lovely night. i know where all that anxiety came from, but it all melted away by halfway through dinner.
he also talked me into staying.
he took me to breakfast the next morning before i headed home, as he should. we have a little place that we like. they have really good coffee.

sigh.

well, i still don't really know what all is going on, but i do think that he needed some time to get his head on straight. i don't think he's done with that yet, but i'm gonna do my best not to stress over it anymore. i have to try to remember that i have no control of what happens, only how i react to it.

here's wishing you all a gorgeous week and blowing you big wet kisses!

warm blooded american female

welp, i hate dating.

i figured i'd let you know, just in case you didn't already know that about me. here i finally go and tell you about this wonderful guy that i've met and less than 2 weeks later he's confused/scared/catching feelings/whatever. sigh. this is stupid. trusting someone to love you properly is one of the hardest things to do. and it's even harder to not beat yourself up over it when it all turns to sh*t.

i want what any warm blooded american female wants, to be loved, to have a solid family life, to have a best friend and someone to share my future with. and really?! who doesn't want to go to sleep and wake up with someone that you love and who loves you in return??

sigh.

i'm not mad at him or anything like that. i just don't know what to do with myself right now. do i wait it out? or do i move on? *shrug* guess i'll try to take my own advice and give it some time.

just what i needed

all we want is someone that wants our everything.

so... i've met someone. go ahead and let that sink in.

i'm always so hesitant to tell you all about new people in my life, because i never really know how long they are going to stick around. but this guy, he's... well, he's wonderful. we've been seeing each other for almost 7 weeks.
while my heart has been breaking elsewhere in my life, he's been my bright star in this storm. i think he knows that he's been looking for someone like me as well. or so he says when he says that i'm just what he needed.
he says that this is my song just what i needed by the cars. i adore that he gets it with the music!
he's a sweet, sincere kind of guy. he treats me like a human being. i don't know that i've ever had someone treat me so well and want so much of me. this is def new territory for me. it's amazing and absolutely terrifying at the same time.

being with someone that brings you joy, that's the goal, right?

something that can never be

some days i want to lash out at you and tell you how much you've hurt me. i want to rage and be angry. i want to tell you how sad i am. my heart hurts for all those things that i'll never have with you. i want to keep all of those amazing, happy memories intact. i don't want to look back in regret. i need to let go. i need to move on. i need to start new. i love you, but i can't do this anymore. i can't keep holding on to something that can never be.

we almost...