Sunday, November 27, 2011


we all want to be loved and desired.

it's plain and simple.

i'm tired and my body aches, but my friend needs me right now. so i'm putting rest aside today.

to my lovelies: #1

i wrote you an email. i'll be writing more over time and publishing as i can.

dear lovelies,
i haven't posted for MONTHS and it's driving me absolutely nuts! it's kinda complicated as to why.

a quick list of some of the reasons:

i met a guy that started as my friend and then became more for about minute. not something i had planned for, it just kinda happened.
said guy's brother passed away suddenly and everything turned to sh*.
i moved, again.
issues with the kidlets.
issues with friend.
sickness... lots of sickness.

and i've been trying to recuperate ever since.

these days my soul is tired.

Monday, August 15, 2011


sooooo... i just read that last post and man! was i a mess and half?!

*wrapping my arms around you all and hugging you tight*

hi! i've missed you!!

i'm sorry that i've been gone so long from this space, MY space. i forget that that's what it is sometimes. i forget that i can write whatever i want here. welp, that's gonna change.

*settles in to the pillows*

as you all know, i did that whole cannonball thing. it's working out even better than i expected. it just took me a bit to get the ins and outs of it all figured out. it turns out that for things to be 'just right' for me, i have to mix some of the old with some of the new and VOILA! it's balanced the way it should be.

i truly have some of the best friends and our friendships keep getting better.

and the one that makes my heart all a flutter... yeah, he's still amazing and wonderful! can you believe it's been over 2 years since he and i started this dance?!

mmm... more to come, much more :)

Saturday, July 16, 2011

those things were real

why? just why?

why does this have to hurt so much?

why does missing someone have to hurt?

tonight, i cry.

tonight, i have pain and can't eat. why is this? what makes tonight any different than any other night in the last 6 weeks? is it the moon? is it some other factor?

maybe it's that i've had so much on my plate, that as i clear these things it makes more time for my gears to turn about things that i would rather forget...

yes, i said forget.

it's easier to try and forget than it is to try and make sense.

the day to day things, they make sense. it's the other things that lie under the surface that don't.

sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind.

but then, i go back and read and know that that's not the case.
those memories really happened. those words were really said. those emotions were really felt. those things were real.

in the end, no matter how we try to fill the void, it's still a void.

i've been hearing pretty words, but from the wrong people. for some reason, that hurts more than not hearing them at all.

maybe i've stepped to far outside of my comfort zone too fast...

i've moved and i'm starting a new job monday morning, but i find myself longing for those other things that have been somewhat of a constant in my life for so long. that's not wrong is it?


Thursday, June 23, 2011


"we all want to fall in love. why? because that experience makes us feel completely alive. where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. it may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. but that doesn't diminish it's value. because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives."

i'm not sure where i found that, but it embodies so much of what i think and feel about my particular situation.

i find myself super busy these days with living life. i've stepped way outside my comfort zone recently and made some decisions.(more about those later)

life is so full of new adventures! there are all of these bright and shiny new possibilities. i'm right on the edge and i think i'm ready to dive in. and you know me, it's none of that swan dive crap. i'm all about a sexy cannonball into the water.

wish me luck my lovelies! i'm gonna need it *wink*

a perfect song for a perfect splash! for you i will by teddy geiger.

Sunday, May 22, 2011

moments of bliss

we find rest in those we love, and provide a resting place in ourselves for those who love us ~saint bernard of clairaux

this weekend has been one of great memories. but i have to say, yesterday was one of my favorite days!

it seems like it started in dreams and soft kisses.
warm embraces and pretty little secrets.
silky whispers and moments of bliss.

it ended much the same.

the day was spent with the truest of friends and the wonder and innocence of children.

my heart is so full.

love in any form is amazing!

Thursday, May 19, 2011


the one...

the be all, end all of your very existence; that which we spend our whole lives looking for; the missing half of our souls.

what makes somebody THE ONE??

the way i see it, somebody can't be your ONE if you're not their ONE, right?

but how do you know? is it timing? is it a notion that just hits you one day?

what if you never find that person? does it mean they still exist? or what if you've found them, but neither of you ever realize it? what then?


perhaps we'll never know...

Wednesday, May 18, 2011


it's no easy wanting something so badly and knowing that it's at your fingertips, but you can never have it.

so i stayed home today and slept most of it away. i've been under the weather. mostly body aches and scratchy throat :( so i've totally gone the cold meds route. which leads me to this...

i think when on cold meds i should not be cooking, because me and sharp objects or hot stoves is probably a bad idea. but apparently, when it comes to blogging on cold meds i say "why the h* not?!" i guess i'm just nuts like that or i just don't know what's good for me.

anywho, i've had a lot swirling around in my noggin lately.

with the end of the school year there are many decisions to be made. one big one is whether or not i will have the kidlets transferred to a different school. the slightly overwhelming one for me is whether or not i will go back to school this fall.

i've done much considering and finally had a huge sit down with my mom while she was visiting this last weekend. the verdict is that i want to go to school pretty badly. without finishing some sort of degree, i have pretty much reached my earning potential in this area unless i go into sales. and i cringe at the thought of going into sales.

there are all of these things that i want and all of these goals that i've set aside for so long. now, they have finally reached full circle in my life. my goals match up with what i want for my children and for our future.

the question now is, what's next? what do i change? and which direction do i go in?

and finally, what will i miss?

there is more than one way to get to ones destination...

Tuesday, April 26, 2011

the fact of it

if you came to me and told me "though our time is fleeting, i want to be with you."
i would give you all that i am and all that is in me.
i would be what you need.

i would love you 'til your last breath.

Saturday, April 16, 2011

this positive feeling

the course of true love never did run smooth ~ william shakespeare

i had every intention of making this post into a 'so random', but then started my media player and decided against it.

things have been rough the last few months, but i truly feel like they are starting to get better. this positive feeling is due to a lot of things.

i started a new job last week. i don't know if i had realized that i had even applied for it. i got called on monday to interview tuesday and was offered the job within the first 10min of the interview. it was crazy. they told me that i had all of the qualifications that they had been looking for. i filled out paper work that wednesday and started training that thursday. that's it. and i totally love my job and the people that i work with!

in other news: i finally got my car back today after having to have extensive work done to it. it turns out that someone had been siphoning gas out of my gas tank and had messed up the fuel pump. and that was just a week after getting it back from having the power steering pump and a bunch of other stuff replaced.

in other other news: my mom is coming to visit next month for like a week. i'm so excited about that. i haven't seen her since she was here last summer.
i've been incredibly home sick and have actually considered moving back home to california. i don't really know why now, but it's something that her and i are going to discuss when she's here.

the best part: my time with fr has become more consistent and meaningful lately. this makes me happy. i love it when we get to just talk and carry on about life.
oh, how that man makes me laugh... he's nothing less than amazing!

*dreamy grin* i love it when he sings to me and sways with me :)

Sunday, April 3, 2011


the quote of the weekend: i'm gonna go. give me a high five or you can lick me here. *lifts up shirt*

i've been giggling about it all day!

life is interesting sometimes.

(to clarify: that was said to me, not by me... hehe...)

Monday, March 28, 2011

why don't i blog more?

i was texting with co today and you know what she said? "i blogged today :) why aren't you???" and ya know, i didn't really have a good answer for that. she got the standard answer of "well, it's been hit and miss since last summer"

i got to thinking about it, why don't i blog more? idk *shrugs* i guess part of it is not knowing what to say. things get so jumbled in my head sometimes that they don't come out the way that i intend them to. i know another part of it, is that on some level i've become more of a private person. it's hard to know who to trust and who will take the things that i say and twist them. also, i'm not a fan of people who talk about me behind my back while lying to my face. yes, my lovelies, these kinds of people exist in my life. shocking, right?!
i have no patience for THOSE type of people, they make me twitchy. and 'twitchy me' isn't nice. i can't say that i have that much of a temper. but once the kettle boils over, you better watch out.
so i guess that's why.

anywho, i've been having a string of weird, but mostly wonderful weekends. so that's a huge plus! i've had a lot of great times with wonderful friends. and while sometimes i think they're evil for MAKING me get outta the house, i love them dearly for it. the life of a hermit, while appealing, is not exactly healthy for me.

in other news: late night texts, phone calls and visits are in full effect! as well as the daytime version of the same :) it was nice being the one without the drama this weekend!

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

that's it

the love comes whether you like it or not. this, i've decided.

Thursday, March 10, 2011


when you think your world is falling down around you, that's when your lifelines come to pick your spirit up. this is why i love my wonderful friends. they give me strength when i have none left.

text messages, a phone call and a surprise visit have made my week a lot brighter than it was. i'm a lucky girl to have people who truly care about me in my life!

Wednesday, March 9, 2011


bad day. really, really bad day.

overwhelmed is not a good look for me. i'm not really sure what triggered it. it could be the majorly disjointed sleep or the rain. it could be any number of things that are pressing in on my little bubble.

i've been having these 'memories' for the last few days. they're like lost dreams on the tip of your consciousness. i've been trying to figure out what they were. it finally hit me today. i'm having flashbacks, flashbacks of the bad stuff. and now i can't stop crying.

i'm not what people think i am.

yes, i am a girl with a smile and a hug for everyone. and yes, i love unconditionally. i am strong and i am capable. but i am also alone.
i am always fun to be around and i always try to be there for friends and family in their time of need. but at the end of the night or even before it starts, all i want is to be snuggled up on the couch or in my bed. i don't want to be around all of those people. on some level it freaks me out.

i guess a lot of it comes down to fear. i'm afraid of so much. i do everything that i can to protect those that are close to me, esp the kidlets. but who does that for me?

the only person that has offered me any kind of real tenderness, as in a shoulder or a hug, as of late has decided to be MIA since saturday night for some reason unknown to me.
maybe that's my fault.

i hate this. i hate feeling like this. i thought i was doing so well and finally getting back to being ME. now, i don't know. i hope that this rolls out with the tide.

Monday, March 7, 2011

like a pendulum

"she deserves the 3 'R's. the river, the revolver or the roof. that's what the mob lived by. seems to work for them." ~something mg said in a text today. ha! that girl cracks me up!!

life swings like a pendulum. sometimes its good and sometimes it's hard and confusing. last week, things made more sense. today? not so much. things tend to go all sideways after a bit. and, so i wait. patience is sometimes all i have.

Monday, February 28, 2011


*twirls in a circle* weeeeeeeeeeee!!

geeze... i don't know where to start.

it seems like there is so much going on and it's hard to keep up. but then, sometimes it seems like there is nothing going on and my mind wanders. i feel like i have no structure unless it's the weekend. the weekends have their own routine, but the rest really doesn't.

socially things are going swimmingly. it's been nice to have lunches with the girls and shopping and just general good times with good friends. i'm really starting to like this thing that my life is becoming since my horrid divorce.

i know i was going somewhere with that, but my mom just called and got me all side tracked. she does that sometimes.
we talked about life, mostly mine. also, we talked about my trip. i was planning on taking a trip to see her and the family and to hit vegas with my cousin while i was out that way.
well, after talking to my cousin, we've decided to put that on hold for a while. jobs, money and life are in the way right now. it's just not a good time to take a trip for either of us. and really, i'm not upset about it. there will be plenty of other chances to go another time.
plus, there are heart shaped things that i'm not willing to leave behind right now.

in other news: i'm taking better care of myself. i'm eating better and exercising more. the nice weather we've been having isn't hurting either. i am so happy to be able to go to my regular walking track.

in other other news: it's monday and i'm not on the verge of tears! yay!! monday hates me and usually makes it known. maybe we make this a trend? i think it def helps that i have things to look forward to this week :)

here's something kinda sexy, the color of day by remy shand. i hope you all have a stellar week!!

Thursday, February 17, 2011

calmly and rationally

i love and am loved. <----- that is an awesome feeling!!

sometimes it's complicated. some people just don't get it. well, ya know what? i don't expect them to. nothing i do is ever easy. that's just the way it is.

i'm a grown up. as much as i don't want to be, it's true. i am a mother and have normal responsibilities. i pay my own bills and make my own decisions. i think that that entitles me the ability to define my relationships however i like. don't you?

*steps down from soap box*

*deep breath*

ahh... i feel much better now.

so how is everybody? i know this whole hit and miss thing that i've been doing lately is becoming the norm. i'm not sure if i'm ok with that. i miss blogging. i swear i've been meaning to get these posts out, but there are just so many things that have been going on.

things have a tendency to turn all pear shaped all of a sudden and i can't tell you which end is up. i have much confusion these days. not so much because of my own emotions, but because of how what others do can have such a profound effect on them.

i'm trying to work through everything calmly and rationally. ha! have you known me to be calm OR rational?! i know, i know... but i'm trying!

in other news: the snow is gone! did you hear me?!

the. snow. IS. GONE!!!

it's actually been in the 50s and 60s this week. i am almost too happy for words to wear my flip flops outside!

i hope you all have loverly weekend!! ...i know i'm hoping to :)

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

la la land

ok, so... i swear i'm not trying to be a hermit... well, maybe i am, but not on purpose. i've had several people message or call me to make sure that i'm still alive. love you guys for checking on me!

i'm here! i just get busy or am off in la la land or some combination of the 2. also, you can almost always find me on the twitter. that's about the only thing i really keep up with lately.

apparently, i can't focus to save my life today! i had a ton of stuff to write about and then i got distracted and it all flew away...

i love the way my brain works! ...sometimes.

well, here's something fun to listen to today mouth by bush... mostly because it's um.. hot! enjoy!

Thursday, January 20, 2011

so random: lellow jewwy beans

with a twinkle in her eye "mommy! i have a lellow jewwy bean in my mouf right now!" <--- the girl said this while her and the boy were eating frozen yogurt today at froyoz. she was so excited and matter of fact about it. it was hilarious! totally made me giggle.

random fact #1: i went to a ladies luncheon today with sg. it was one of those lunches where the host is trying to get you to buy into whatever they're selling. it was interesting. the product was this anti-aging stuff that's made by the same people who make pro active.

since when did i get old enough to think about anti-aging products? and who the h* let this happen?!

last i check, i don't even turn 30 until NEXT october... *sigh*

random fact #2: i look like i have old lady hands. this cold weather wreaks havoc on my skin moisture-wise, so in the wrong light my hands look way older than they are. i'm def gonna have to work on this!

random fact #3: the boy got 9 'As' and 2 'Bs' on his report card this time around. i'm so proud of him! he had a tough time keeping up last year, but he's really stepped his game up this year and it shows.
as a reward i bought him a book that he's been wanting and took him to a movie. he and i don't get much time together without the girl, so he loved it.

random fact #4: i cut my hair back in october. i know, old news... but i've had major anxiety over it ever since. it really was like cutting off a limb or something like that. to give you an idea of what i'm talking about, it was almost down to my waste and now (months later) it hits about an inch or so past my collar bone.

random fact #5: have i mentioned that i hate the snow? 'cause i do. with the fore of a thousand suns. i'm so over the idea, concept and manifestation of the winter.

random fact #6: i'm finally getting more sleep. i'm not really sure what's changed other than things are kinda settling down a bit. i keep waiting for the anxiety to attack, but it doesn't attack as often. i'm sure that has a lot to do with the sleeping.

welp, i think that's all for now.

perhaps soon, i'll get back to a better posting schedule. i see this as a start :)

hope you all have a lovely weekend!!

hugs to you and big wet kisses!

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

wild animals

hey, hey!
hi! how are ya?
*high fives the guy over there*

yeah! so hey, thanks for coming!!

ha! i think i'm losing it?! like for real... *crosses and uncrosses eyes*

so the snow... *deep breathe* we have been snowed in off and on for the last 3 days. it's not been blizzard conditions or anything like that. it's just not been safe to drive in all this crap.
the schools have been closed and they open an hour late tomorrow. i hate to say it, but i'll be glad to get back to work and whatnot.
there is just something about not being able to get out of the house that makes children turn into wild animals. the stircrazy has taken over. and MY wild animals have just about made me pull my hair out.

like this, but with snow...

have i told you how much i hate the snow?! as far as i'm concerned this snow can take a freakin hike!!

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

i'm working on it

being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. ~lao tzu
this quote apparently has been all over twitter and of course ended up on my facebook page...

i'm up way past my bedtime, but i'm watching my beautiful little girl sleep.

anywho, i was reading through these posts from when i took my little break.(i have 8 of them, by the way) one day when the dust has settled and cleared, i will post them. in these posts i talk about things that have happened that have had such an effect on me that they've in part changed the way that i think about life.
i was happy before. i mean, i've always been happy fundamentally, but i was really loving life. i want to get back to that. i'm working on it.

in other news: i had an amazing new years! this was the first time in 10yrs that i got to dress up and got to go out on the town. it was nice to put on a party dress and see what all the excitement was about.

in other other news: text messages and late night conversations happened...
remember that thing i said was over? well, it's kinda not. then again, it might be... idk. *sigh* there is much conversation that still needs to happen, but i know that i'm just not ready to close the door yet.
more on that later, i suppose.

Sunday, January 2, 2011

the rear view

i keep reading all of these recaps and resolutions and whatnot about this last year and the year to come and it got me thinking...

for me, 2010 was a year of extremes. it was the highest of highs and the lowest of lows. there has been love, passion, hope, sadness, loss, grief and so much more in between. my hope for me and for you is that this coming year will be filled with less extremes and more happiness.

i know we could all use some happiness.