tired

we all want to be loved and desired.

it's plain and simple.

i'm tired and my body aches, but my friend needs me right now. so i'm putting rest aside today.

to my lovelies: #1

i wrote you an email. i'll be writing more over time and publishing as i can.

dear lovelies,

i haven't posted for MONTHS and it's driving me absolutely nuts! it's kinda complicated as to why.

a quick list of some of the reasons:

i met a guy that started as my friend and then became more for about minute. not something i had planned for, it just kinda happened.

said guy's brother passed away suddenly and everything turned to sh*.

i moved, again.

issues with the kidlets.

issues with friend.

sickness... lots of sickness.

and i've been trying to recuperate ever since.

these days my soul is tired.

voila!

sooooo... i just read that last post and man! was i a mess and half?!

*wrapping my arms around you all and hugging you tight*

hi! i've missed you!!

i'm sorry that i've been gone so long from this space, MY space. i forget that that's what it is sometimes. i forget that i can write whatever i want here. welp, that's gonna change.

*settles in to the pillows*

as you all know, i did that whole cannonball thing. it's working out even better than i expected. it just took me a bit to get the ins and outs of it all figured out. it turns out that for things to be 'just right' for me, i have to mix some of the old with some of the new and VOILA! it's balanced the way it should be.

i truly have some of the best friends and our friendships keep getting better.

and the one that makes my heart all a flutter... yeah, he's still amazing and wonderful! can you believe it's been over 2 years since he and i started this dance?!

mmm... more to come, much more :)

those things were real

why? just why?

why does this have to hurt so much?

why does missing someone have to hurt?

tonight, i cry.

tonight, i have pain and can't eat. why is this? what makes tonight any different than any other night in the last 6 weeks? is it the moon? is it some other factor?

maybe it's that i've had so much on my plate, that as i clear these things it makes more time for my gears to turn about things that i would rather forget...

yes, i said forget.

it's easier to try and forget than it is to try and make sense.

the day to day things, they make sense. it's the other things that lie under the surface that don't.

sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind.

but then, i go back and read and know that that's not the case.

those memories really happened. those words were really said. those emotions were really felt. those things were real.

in the end, no matter how we try to fill the void, it's still a void.

i've been hearing pretty words, but from the wrong people. for some reason, that hurts more than not hearing them at all.

maybe i've stepped to far outside of my comfort zone too fast...

i've moved and i'm starting a new job monday morning, but i find myself longing for those other things that have been somewhat of a constant in my life for so long. that's not wrong is it?

*sigh*

cannonball

"we all want to fall in love. why? because that experience makes us feel completely alive. where every sense is heightened, every emotion is magnified, our everyday reality is shattered and we are flying into the heavens. it may only last a moment, an hour, an afternoon. but that doesn't diminish it's value. because we are left with memories that we treasure for the rest of our lives."

i'm not sure where i found that, but it embodies so much of what i think and feel about my particular situation.

i find myself super busy these days with living life. i've stepped way outside my comfort zone recently and made some decisions.(more about those later)

life is so full of new adventures! there are all of these bright and shiny new possibilities. i'm right on the edge and i think i'm ready to dive in. and you know me, it's none of that swan dive crap. i'm all about a sexy cannonball into the water.

wish me luck my lovelies! i'm gonna need it *wink*

a perfect song for a perfect splash! for you i will by teddy geiger.

moments of bliss

we find rest in those we love, and provide a resting place in ourselves for those who love us ~saint bernard of clairaux

this weekend has been one of great memories. but i have to say, yesterday was one of my favorite days!

it seems like it started in dreams and soft kisses.

warm embraces and pretty little secrets.

silky whispers and moments of bliss.

it ended much the same.

the day was spent with the truest of friends and the wonder and innocence of children.

my heart is so full.

love in any form is amazing!

one

the one...

the be all, end all of your very existence; that which we spend our whole lives looking for; the missing half of our souls.

what makes somebody THE ONE??

the way i see it, somebody can't be your ONE if you're not their ONE, right?

but how do you know? is it timing? is it a notion that just hits you one day?

what if you never find that person? does it mean they still exist? or what if you've found them, but neither of you ever realize it? what then?

*sigh*

perhaps we'll never know...