Thursday, September 27, 2012


sigh. yeah, that.

it's always head vs. heart. they never seem to quite get along completely. they tend to chatter away with no end in site. thus is life, i suppose.

my soul is a bit tired this week. i think i could probably use a snuggle or a hug. again, thus is life.

anyway, gnight my lovelies. sleep sweet.

Saturday, September 22, 2012

well, maybe someday.

you know what? if you're gonna hurt me, i don't want to know. so don't tell me. i just want to enjoy what i have. i want to enjoy my little piece of happiness, while i have it.

what a lovely evening!

this is new. whatever this is, it's new and i like it.

(disclaimer: i know where all paths lead. i just don't want to talk about them right now, at least not tonight)

Wednesday, September 19, 2012


so yeah... the laundry, it seems like it never ends. i try to stay caught up, but you know how it goes.

but hey, it's wednesday.

what do i do on wednesday nights you ask?
well, since we've been here, in the great state of california, my mom has taken the kidlet or kidlets with her to have dinner with my grandpa. that's their wednesday night thing.

so me, i have a free night in the middle of the week to do whatever i want; watch movies, catch up with friends, date, run away with the circus, play frogger with oncoming traffic etc.
last wednesday it was cheesy egg scramble for dinner, the vampire diaries on netflix and raspberry sherbet out of the carton for dessert. shhhh... don't tell anyone!

welp, i figured i'd share a little of my zen with you this week the woman i love by jason mraz  mmm... it's good stuff! makes my heart a little bit happier, i hope it does yours too!

big exes and ohs for you all!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

so random: strong

strong woman cry behind closed doors, fight battles that most are unaware of and judge themselves, not others.

random fact #1: i got my feelings hurt friday night; that's right, i'm not made of stone. instead of standing up for myself and making it known, i just went along like everything was fine. i just let it go. i didn't want to ruin things.
in a way though, maybe i AM ruining things. maybe allowing this person to think that i'm just ok with things the way that they are is doing myself a disservice. ugh. i'm sure that i'm probably just over thinking it and i'll be fine tomorrow. i'm just being oversensitive and letting my vulnerability show.

gotta work on that vulnerability thing.

random fact #2: i finally found myself a job. i'm pretty excited about it, like in a big way. i feel like i've been looking foreeeeeeever. finally i'll be able to get back with a more normal routine.

random fact #3: i've lost 11lbs since i moved here. crazy, right? well, i've been trying to take better care of myself. i'm so over the pain, the headaches, the random bruising and the blood pressure issues. so i started getting a lot more physical and eating cleaner. when you don't have people looking at you like you're insane for wanting to take better care of yourself, it's easy.
i stopped eating gluten all together and that seems to have had a positive affect on my digestion. yay for a happy tummy!
i now work out/walk/cardio at least 4-5 days a week. now this has made a HUGE difference. i feel stronger and happier and more alert. yay endorphins!!

random fact #4: i stopped drinking. that might fall under the losing weight thing, but i think it deserves to have it's own line/category. i don't have to drink to have a good time, i never have.
after giving it quite a bit of thought, i've realized that i have a tendency to use alcohol as something to make me forget or as an escape. i also use it to curb my anxiety. it's fun when it's a social lubricant, but only in moderation.

i also want to be supportive of others around me that have stopped drinking recently.

random fact #5: gator boy and i watched the tennessee vs. florida game together today. we went to a sports bar in town and ate bar food. it was a great time! i missed having someone to do stuff like that with.
living in tennessee, i never lacked for company or someone to go do something with. not that i do now, but i prefer the company of gb over most others. some days gb and mg are the only 2 people in the world that i want to hear from, aside from the kidlets of course.

so that's it for me, for now.

it's funny; before, on a saturday night after a game, i would be somewhere in something short and great shoes listening to live music. now, i'm at home in pajama pants and monkey slippers (still great shoes) listening to pandora. it seems like it was another world sometimes, but we can reminisce about life another day.

sending you big hugs and dreams of butterflies!

Saturday, September 15, 2012


well... you are!

i am too.

sometimes when we are discouraged and close to giving up, we need someone to tell us something like this. i know i do.
hearing that someone else is proud of you and that you're doing a good job means so much more than you realize. a smile, a hug, small words of encouragement can be the push that you need to make it through.

be brave. give love. share courage.

Sunday, September 9, 2012

gummy bears in his cupboard

anyone know where i can find this bikini?

yes, i know, i'm a nerd. but wouldn't it be fun for halloween this year?!

anywho, time to take care of a little business around here... remember that wonderful guy that i told you about? well, things are looking up, i suppose. up enough that i needed to figure out what to call him on this here blog.
and me with no imagination for names, i just went ahead and asked him. i did give him a few options, but he didn't want me to call him the pool boy (even though he looks fantastic without his shirt on... heh...)
he decided that he likes 'gator boy'. it makes sense. he has a master's degree in engineering from the university of florida. their mascot is the gator. he's also an officer in the air force. fun, right?

so i've had a couple of you asking me what's going on. tbh, i'm not exactly sure. we've been talking here and there and decided to go have dinner friday night.
i spent most of my day in major anxiety mode, tears and all. 4 miles on the elliptical, a hot shower and even an antihistamine didn't help. the not knowing what to expect and the realization that i'll not ever be ok with a 'just casual' relationship with him really got to me. it's funny how love or the possibility of love affects us.

we had talked about doing a couple of different things, but couldn't quite get it together until after i got to his place. btw, that's usually what we do, i meet him at his place and we go from there.
we ended up going to one of the nicer restaurants in his town. it was such a cute little place and we even got a table toward the back. we talked and joked. it was nice.
we went back to his place and watched a movie and he fed me gummy bears. i adore that he keeps gummy bears in his cupboard for when i visit. we had a lovely night. i know where all that anxiety came from, but it all melted away by halfway through dinner.
he also talked me into staying.
he took me to breakfast the next morning before i headed home, as he should. we have a little place that we like. they have really good coffee.


well, i still don't really know what all is going on, but i do think that he needed some time to get his head on straight. i don't think he's done with that yet, but i'm gonna do my best not to stress over it anymore. i have to try to remember that i have no control of what happens, only how i react to it.

here's wishing you all a gorgeous week and blowing you big wet kisses!

Sunday, September 2, 2012

warm blooded american female

welp, i hate dating.

i figured i'd let you know, just in case you didn't already know that about me. here i finally go and tell you about this wonderful guy that i've met and less than 2 weeks later he's confused/scared/catching feelings/whatever. sigh. this is stupid. trusting someone to love you properly is one of the hardest things to do. and it's even harder to not beat yourself up over it when it all turns to sh*t.

i want what any warm blooded american female wants, to be loved, to have a solid family life, to have a best friend and someone to share my future with. and really?! who doesn't want to go to sleep and wake up with someone that you love and who loves you in return??


i'm not mad at him or anything like that. i just don't know what to do with myself right now. do i wait it out? or do i move on? *shrug* guess i'll try to take my own advice and give it some time.