A reason to start over new

I had such grand plans. Maybe not grand plans, but little plans to start over. 

When I moved back to California, it was in part for my grandma who was dying and part for getting away from scary situations. I had some tiny glimmer of hope to start over new. I'm convinced a new life doesn't exist in this place. The loss of hope is a hard and scary thing. 

My hope is hiding. It's in another town in another state where people are nice and life is less expensive. 

how much you don't

do you ever wonder if you've ever truly been IN LOVE? i do.

i wonder about what it really is. is it real? or is it a figment of our imaginations? is it the same for everyone? is it something you just now? what if what one person thinks they feel is down the road and a left turn from what another thinks they feel? is being IN LOVE with someone just a chemical reaction in our brains? or is it something more?

i can speculate, but i don't really know if anyone has ever felt about me the way i have felt about the one person that i can't forget. how do you know?
i never could understand how one person can just pick up and throw away all the time and effort that they have invested in another. there is so much conflict involved.

i don't think any of this makes sense at the moment. these are just things in my head.

i've had one of those days today that i didn't realize how sideways things were until my eyes started burning from all of the tears i'd cried. i don't even know how i would tell you about it all or where i would start.

my heart aches in so many ways and i'm pulled in so many directions that i'm honestly surprised that i haven't completely broken yet.

it's a weird feeling to realize how much you don't mean to so many people.

unconditional

visited grandma and grandpa yesterday. breaks my heart every time. if you're lucky enough to find someone to LOVE you unconditionally, scoop them up and hold on tight with both hands and never take that love for granted ♥

let's

today is just weird. i have a calm that i wasn't expecting to have. i think that's what happens when my brain is finally telling my heart to take a step back and listen to the things that are going on around me.

i'm constantly learning about human nature and how people work. it turns out that most people are just as screwed up as i am. it's comforting in a way.

his

... and his is the same... hehe...

turning the page and turning the page and turning the page...

sigh. all sorts of amazing, wonderful, unexpected things happen when you decide that you deserve more than what you've accepted for so long.

looking back

funny how that works...

no matter how hard we try to look ahead, we still find ourselves looking back.

i am everything you would ever need. you were just too arrogant to notice.

the dress

well, my darlings, here it is! the dress!
the gloves are soft pink and the shawl was bought at an auction. i'm told it was once owned by debbie reynolds. you can't see my pearl bracelet or my sapphire earrings, but they're there.

buying this gown was a nightmare, but only because buying anything formal off the rack isn't ideal when you're shaped more like an hourglass than a stick. this i had forgotten from so many years past. i used to buy them 2 sizes too big and have the waist and hips taken in. i chose this one, because it was a corset and could be cinched in.

in case you ever wondered, this is the lifestyle that i grew up in. formal gowns at least 4, but probably 6 or more times a year. this is part of the life of quiet smiles and obligation that i so quickly ran away from when i married at 19. and am now stepping ever so hesitantly back into.

anyway, the marine corps ball was a total blast! celebrating the 237th birthday of the u.s. marine corps was a pretty unique experience. i had a lot of fun with my boys.

my boys, that's what i call them. guys that i grew up with that treat me like their little sister. i really like that i have friends like that. they understand that friendships aren't always cut and dried and that relationships are never just black and white. my boys respect me and are always instinctively trying to protect me and they would drop what they were doing to help me if i needed it. it all fits together in that little sister package.

i think i missed that in tn. i missed being able to really trust people. it is getting easier to let my guard down a bit more with so much family and old friends around. letting my guard down isn't always a good thing, but i'm always learning and growing.

belief

i posted this on the 10th of oct, but i took it down because it hurt too much to leave it. now, i guess it doesn't matter.

i want so badly to believe that these old words spoken with new breath are true. i want to believe that this isn't fleeting. i want to believe that you weren't just caught up in the moment. i want to believe that i am what you want.

the important things are worth fighting for. you are worth fighting for.

angels and innocents

today is dia de los angelitos and tomorrow is dia de los muertos. these are the days that we honor our lost loved ones. the little angels, the innocents and those who have gone on before us. i love this tradition. remembering fondly is so much better than missing.

lately little nuggets of truth and revelations keep falling into my lap. this is not a bad thing. new friends, old friends and changing relationships. ups, downs and in betweens. love, loss and tears. all worth it. love and truth are always worth the tears.

anywho, my birthday turned out pretty great. my sister spent the weekend with me, my brother took me out to sushi, a sweet friend cooked me dinner, another friend brought me wine and another came over for hot toddies. i still have more celebrating to look forward to. tomorrow night is dinner and drinks, saturday is a wine tour with one of my best girls and sunday is dress shopping for the marine corp ball that i've been invited to next month.

cheers to a fabulous weekend my lovelies!

the pieces

*scoops up pieces of broken heart*
*hands them to you*
here, go put this somewhere. i don't want it anymore.

i can't seem to hide my brokenness from you, like i can everyone else. i don't understand it and i certainly don't like it.

you're everything that i would want for myself, but can never have.

but we do it

"you know that place between sleep and awake? that place where you still remember dreaming? that's where i'll always love you... peter pan. that's where i'll be waiting."

you can think that someone is so wonderful and amazing that you don't want to face them in your dreams, right?  i'm pretty sure that's why i didn't sleep last night. i was afraid.

accepting others' decisions isn't always easy, but we do it.  we do it, because we love them.

some people never understand what it is to truly love someone. it's giving without expectation. it's putting their needs and wants before your own. it's the need to protect them from the sad things in the world.
now, i'm not entirely selfless. i still have my bouts of jealousy, of anger, of confusion, of fear. i'm selfish and far from indestructible. but that doesn't mean that i stop loving.

i'm blessed to have the people that i have in my life. some are close, some are far away. i love them. that doesn't make me weak or broken. that makes me strong and confident. that makes me kind and tender. that makes me brave.

that twinkle in my eye? that's love, that's hope, that's knowing what i'm capable of. that's excitement for this adventure.

i'm still learning and growing. i like that about me.

well, maybe someday.

you know what? if you're gonna hurt me, i don't want to know. so don't tell me. i just want to enjoy what i have. i want to enjoy my little piece of happiness, while i have it.

what a lovely evening!

this is new. whatever this is, it's new and i like it.



(disclaimer: i know where all paths lead. i just don't want to talk about them right now, at least not tonight)

gummy bears in his cupboard

anyone know where i can find this bikini?

yes, i know, i'm a nerd. but wouldn't it be fun for halloween this year?!

anywho, time to take care of a little business around here... remember that wonderful guy that i told you about? well, things are looking up, i suppose. up enough that i needed to figure out what to call him on this here blog.
and me with no imagination for names, i just went ahead and asked him. i did give him a few options, but he didn't want me to call him the pool boy (even though he looks fantastic without his shirt on... heh...)
he decided that he likes 'gator boy'. it makes sense. he has a master's degree in engineering from the university of florida. their mascot is the gator. he's also an officer in the air force. fun, right?


so i've had a couple of you asking me what's going on. tbh, i'm not exactly sure. we've been talking here and there and decided to go have dinner friday night.
i spent most of my day in major anxiety mode, tears and all. 4 miles on the elliptical, a hot shower and even an antihistamine didn't help. the not knowing what to expect and the realization that i'll not ever be ok with a 'just casual' relationship with him really got to me. it's funny how love or the possibility of love affects us.

we had talked about doing a couple of different things, but couldn't quite get it together until after i got to his place. btw, that's usually what we do, i meet him at his place and we go from there.
we ended up going to one of the nicer restaurants in his town. it was such a cute little place and we even got a table toward the back. we talked and joked. it was nice.
we went back to his place and watched a movie and he fed me gummy bears. i adore that he keeps gummy bears in his cupboard for when i visit. we had a lovely night. i know where all that anxiety came from, but it all melted away by halfway through dinner.
he also talked me into staying.
he took me to breakfast the next morning before i headed home, as he should. we have a little place that we like. they have really good coffee.

sigh.

well, i still don't really know what all is going on, but i do think that he needed some time to get his head on straight. i don't think he's done with that yet, but i'm gonna do my best not to stress over it anymore. i have to try to remember that i have no control of what happens, only how i react to it.

here's wishing you all a gorgeous week and blowing you big wet kisses!

be-longing

the trouble with being a chameleon is that though you can fit in anywhere, you never know where you truly belong.

reality is hard.

i'm ready for things to start settling down. too many things are happening all at once. you would think that i would feel more settled now that i'm here with family, but most of the time it's the opposite.

as time goes by i feel even more like a high flying acrobat without a net. i suppose it's insecurity in myself or the things going on around me. in a way, i want to retreat. but retreat back to what? there is nothing anywhere else to go back to.

i still have the uncanny ability to put myself in some of the stupidest situations. though, sometimes i tend to think that maybe i'm just overreaching with my heart.
either way, stupid.

i know some of this sounds a bit enigmatic, but it's all still tangled like old shoelaces. there's been old friends, a funeral, airplanes, hospitals, arguments, not enough music and way to much alcohol. and love, there's been love, but even that is confusing and complicated.

i will be happy when things start making more sense.

(no metaphors were hurt in the writing of this post)

just what i needed

all we want is someone that wants our everything.

so... i've met someone. go ahead and let that sink in.

i'm always so hesitant to tell you all about new people in my life, because i never really know how long they are going to stick around. but this guy, he's... well, he's wonderful. we've been seeing each other for almost 7 weeks.
while my heart has been breaking elsewhere in my life, he's been my bright star in this storm. i think he knows that he's been looking for someone like me as well. or so he says when he says that i'm just what he needed.
he says that this is my song just what i needed by the cars. i adore that he gets it with the music!
he's a sweet, sincere kind of guy. he treats me like a human being. i don't know that i've ever had someone treat me so well and want so much of me. this is def new territory for me. it's amazing and absolutely terrifying at the same time.

being with someone that brings you joy, that's the goal, right?

voila!

sooooo... i just read that last post and man! was i a mess and half?!

*wrapping my arms around you all and hugging you tight*

hi! i've missed you!!

i'm sorry that i've been gone so long from this space, MY space. i forget that that's what it is sometimes. i forget that i can write whatever i want here. welp, that's gonna change.

*settles in to the pillows*

as you all know, i did that whole cannonball thing. it's working out even better than i expected. it just took me a bit to get the ins and outs of it all figured out. it turns out that for things to be 'just right' for me, i have to mix some of the old with some of the new and VOILA! it's balanced the way it should be.

i truly have some of the best friends and our friendships keep getting better.

and the one that makes my heart all a flutter... yeah, he's still amazing and wonderful! can you believe it's been over 2 years since he and i started this dance?!

mmm... more to come, much more :)

moments of bliss

we find rest in those we love, and provide a resting place in ourselves for those who love us ~saint bernard of clairaux

this weekend has been one of great memories. but i have to say, yesterday was one of my favorite days!

it seems like it started in dreams and soft kisses.

warm embraces and pretty little secrets.

silky whispers and moments of bliss.

it ended much the same.

the day was spent with the truest of friends and the wonder and innocence of children.

my heart is so full.

love in any form is amazing!

that's it

the love comes whether you like it or not. this, i've decided.

lifelines

when you think your world is falling down around you, that's when your lifelines come to pick your spirit up. this is why i love my wonderful friends. they give me strength when i have none left.

text messages, a phone call and a surprise visit have made my week a lot brighter than it was. i'm a lucky girl to have people who truly care about me in my life!

flashbacks

bad day. really, really bad day.

overwhelmed is not a good look for me. i'm not really sure what triggered it. it could be the majorly disjointed sleep or the rain. it could be any number of things that are pressing in on my little bubble.

i've been having these 'memories' for the last few days. they're like lost dreams on the tip of your consciousness. i've been trying to figure out what they were. it finally hit me today. i'm having flashbacks, flashbacks of the bad stuff. and now i can't stop crying.

i'm not what people think i am.

yes, i am a girl with a smile and a hug for everyone. and yes, i love unconditionally. i am strong and i am capable. but i am also alone.

i am always fun to be around and i always try to be there for friends and family in their time of need. but at the end of the night or even before it starts, all i want is to be snuggled up on the couch or in my bed. i don't want to be around all of those people. on some level it freaks me out.

i guess a lot of it comes down to fear. i'm afraid of so much. i do everything that i can to protect those that are close to me, esp the kidlets. but who does that for me?

the only person that has offered me any kind of real tenderness, as in a shoulder or a hug, as of late has decided to be MIA since saturday night for some reason unknown to me.

maybe that's my fault.

i hate this. i hate feeling like this. i thought i was doing so well and finally getting back to being ME. now, i don't know. i hope that this rolls out with the tide.