i did that

ha. i did that!
... i didn't steal anything. i ran! i did my first 5k last month with a couple of my girlies and it was amazing!!! i can't wait for my next one.
these days i run anywhere between 20 and 30 miles a week and i feel great. as with the natural progression of fitness, i've tried a lot of different types of workouts; yoga, crossfit, hiit and now i've started weightlifting. i'm diggin' it! i like the variety and to challenge myself.

in other news: i started a new job about a month ago for a local construction company as a bookkeeper. i'm pretty excited about it. i decided to keep my job with the caterer, so i work 6 and 7 days a week. working as much as i do and going to the gym as much as i do and taking care of my family keeps me pretty busy. busy is good for me.
as always, there are things and people that pop up and throw a wrench into my machine, but things are going pretty smoothly. there are people that i miss from my old life, but i know that they weren't meant to progress with me to this point.
new friendships, old friendships and maybe even a budding relationship... i'm feeling pretty blessed to have these people in my life. i'm not always happy, but i'm getting there.

so random: strong

strong woman cry behind closed doors, fight battles that most are unaware of and judge themselves, not others.

random fact #1: i got my feelings hurt friday night; that's right, i'm not made of stone. instead of standing up for myself and making it known, i just went along like everything was fine. i just let it go. i didn't want to ruin things.
in a way though, maybe i AM ruining things. maybe allowing this person to think that i'm just ok with things the way that they are is doing myself a disservice. ugh. i'm sure that i'm probably just over thinking it and i'll be fine tomorrow. i'm just being oversensitive and letting my vulnerability show.

gotta work on that vulnerability thing.

random fact #2: i finally found myself a job. i'm pretty excited about it, like in a big way. i feel like i've been looking foreeeeeeever. finally i'll be able to get back with a more normal routine.

random fact #3: i've lost 11lbs since i moved here. crazy, right? well, i've been trying to take better care of myself. i'm so over the pain, the headaches, the random bruising and the blood pressure issues. so i started getting a lot more physical and eating cleaner. when you don't have people looking at you like you're insane for wanting to take better care of yourself, it's easy.
i stopped eating gluten all together and that seems to have had a positive affect on my digestion. yay for a happy tummy!
i now work out/walk/cardio at least 4-5 days a week. now this has made a HUGE difference. i feel stronger and happier and more alert. yay endorphins!!

random fact #4: i stopped drinking. that might fall under the losing weight thing, but i think it deserves to have it's own line/category. i don't have to drink to have a good time, i never have.
after giving it quite a bit of thought, i've realized that i have a tendency to use alcohol as something to make me forget or as an escape. i also use it to curb my anxiety. it's fun when it's a social lubricant, but only in moderation.

i also want to be supportive of others around me that have stopped drinking recently.

random fact #5: gator boy and i watched the tennessee vs. florida game together today. we went to a sports bar in town and ate bar food. it was a great time! i missed having someone to do stuff like that with.
living in tennessee, i never lacked for company or someone to go do something with. not that i do now, but i prefer the company of gb over most others. some days gb and mg are the only 2 people in the world that i want to hear from, aside from the kidlets of course.

so that's it for me, for now.

it's funny; before, on a saturday night after a game, i would be somewhere in something short and great shoes listening to live music. now, i'm at home in pajama pants and monkey slippers (still great shoes) listening to pandora. it seems like it was another world sometimes, but we can reminisce about life another day.

sending you big hugs and dreams of butterflies!

be-longing

the trouble with being a chameleon is that though you can fit in anywhere, you never know where you truly belong.

reality is hard.

i'm ready for things to start settling down. too many things are happening all at once. you would think that i would feel more settled now that i'm here with family, but most of the time it's the opposite.

as time goes by i feel even more like a high flying acrobat without a net. i suppose it's insecurity in myself or the things going on around me. in a way, i want to retreat. but retreat back to what? there is nothing anywhere else to go back to.

i still have the uncanny ability to put myself in some of the stupidest situations. though, sometimes i tend to think that maybe i'm just overreaching with my heart.
either way, stupid.

i know some of this sounds a bit enigmatic, but it's all still tangled like old shoelaces. there's been old friends, a funeral, airplanes, hospitals, arguments, not enough music and way to much alcohol. and love, there's been love, but even that is confusing and complicated.

i will be happy when things start making more sense.

(no metaphors were hurt in the writing of this post)

to my lovelies: #1

i wrote you an email. i'll be writing more over time and publishing as i can.

dear lovelies,

i haven't posted for MONTHS and it's driving me absolutely nuts! it's kinda complicated as to why.

a quick list of some of the reasons:

i met a guy that started as my friend and then became more for about minute. not something i had planned for, it just kinda happened.

said guy's brother passed away suddenly and everything turned to sh*.

i moved, again.

issues with the kidlets.

issues with friend.

sickness... lots of sickness.

and i've been trying to recuperate ever since.

these days my soul is tired.

lifelines

when you think your world is falling down around you, that's when your lifelines come to pick your spirit up. this is why i love my wonderful friends. they give me strength when i have none left.

text messages, a phone call and a surprise visit have made my week a lot brighter than it was. i'm a lucky girl to have people who truly care about me in my life!

flashbacks

bad day. really, really bad day.

overwhelmed is not a good look for me. i'm not really sure what triggered it. it could be the majorly disjointed sleep or the rain. it could be any number of things that are pressing in on my little bubble.

i've been having these 'memories' for the last few days. they're like lost dreams on the tip of your consciousness. i've been trying to figure out what they were. it finally hit me today. i'm having flashbacks, flashbacks of the bad stuff. and now i can't stop crying.

i'm not what people think i am.

yes, i am a girl with a smile and a hug for everyone. and yes, i love unconditionally. i am strong and i am capable. but i am also alone.

i am always fun to be around and i always try to be there for friends and family in their time of need. but at the end of the night or even before it starts, all i want is to be snuggled up on the couch or in my bed. i don't want to be around all of those people. on some level it freaks me out.

i guess a lot of it comes down to fear. i'm afraid of so much. i do everything that i can to protect those that are close to me, esp the kidlets. but who does that for me?

the only person that has offered me any kind of real tenderness, as in a shoulder or a hug, as of late has decided to be MIA since saturday night for some reason unknown to me.

maybe that's my fault.

i hate this. i hate feeling like this. i thought i was doing so well and finally getting back to being ME. now, i don't know. i hope that this rolls out with the tide.

here

so here i sit, in my bed... alone.

i've had a long day. work was crazy and i'm having sinus issues. not just 'stuffed up and can't breathe' issues, i have physical pain and 'my face is on fire' issues.

i finally cried today.

checking in

ok, ok! it's killing me! this not blogging thing is killing a little... so i'm checking in.

*waves* hi!

i have been writing some, but mostly stuff that i'll have to wait to post. it's not really secrety secrets... well, not MY secrety secrets. there are just things i'm not ready to say. *sigh*

i'm starting to feel better mentally, just in a weird disconnected sort of way. it's a start though, so i'll take it. of course my health is a whole other story. ugh! i have these headaches like you wouldn't believe and the insomnia is not getting any better. it just seems that i'm less productive while awake in the wee hours.
this week, my kidneys have decided to flip me the bird. so cross your fingers that i'm not allergic to THIS round of antibiotics, 'cause i like breathing.

oh! and i'm still in love, so there's that...

*bites lower lip*
i might start posting again here and there. i might.

love you all bunches and miss you more!!

big wet kisses!!!

a little break

*waves* hi!

so, here's the thing...

i have a whole lot going on all up in this area *points to head*

so i'm kinda taking a little break from blogging for a while. i promise i'll post again soon, but i just can't concentrate long enough to write more than a few lines at a time.

thanks for sticking with me!

hugs and big wet kisses :)

p.s. i'm still reading a commenting on other blogs, but mostly lurking... ( i know, i know... i just admitted to being a lurker, but you still love me, right?)

the secret keeper

so... yeah... remember how i said that my brain was on hiatus?? well, she still kinda is.

there is all this stuff swirling around me that i can't write about. well, really i could write about it, but not here. i have recently become THE secret keeper for several of my friends. it used to be that they would come to me with little white lies or needing relationship advice or asking my honest opinion about a specific subject.

now, it's more serious than that. some of these secrets are sad and painful and are about fears and sickness. the thing about me is that i am empathic. i feel your sorrow and pain. i worry when you worry and i worry about you when i know something is wrong.

over the years i have tried to disconnect from that, but lately i feel like i'm open, like a wound that won't heal. i'm just wide open to this pain, like there is this huge crack in the wall that took me so long to build. i've been standing at this threshold for a long time. i've been looking at it and looking at it. if i flinch then i'm on the other side.

i flinched!

i'm there now(the physical toll is already apparent). i think i have been for the last month or so. i see myself grabbing for anything that i can get my hands on to pull myself back to the other side and back to sanity.

it's getting harder to hide it.

secrets

secrets, secrets, secrets... blah!

at what point does someone else's secret become yours? at what point do you say "look, i can't do this all by myself"? the worry, the frustration, the pressure to act like everything is fine...

this sh*t is hard!

everything is not fine! i am NOT ok! i am worried sick and stressed to the max. the person that i am wants to make it better or at least easier.

*sigh*

even in pictures, apparently

huh... well, i had a whole post formulating in my head this morning, but then i read this and then pretty much LOST IT... like full on panic attack/i think i'm gonna puke... LOST IT!

i have a completely irrational fear of snakes. completely. irrational. fear. so in my neuroses, just the sight (even in pictures, apparently) sends me over the edge and my whole body rebels on me. why? idk... i have no f*ing clue why something like a simple picture can have such a profound effect on me.

crazy much?! why, yes and thank you for noticing... ugh!

so now i've snarfed down cookies and donut holes thinking that it would settle my stomach and... yeah... now i'm gonna feel like puking for the rest of the day. yay me!

now, don't get me wrong... i [heart] A Vapid Blonde! she makes me giggle, often. so if you get a chance to drop in, tell her cali sent you and blow her some big wet kisses from me k :)

*DEEP BREATHE*

shew! i think i feel better now... though still a little light headed...

radio silence

sorry for the radio silence kids... i thought my sinuses were acting up, but it's now looking a lot more like i have a summer cold. ugh!
i am incredibly miserable right now, since i can't breathe(i like breathing). and can't focus to save my life, because of the meds and inhalers. stupid body!

hope you're all having a better week than mine! <3

in the middle

It just takes some time, little girl you're in the middle of the ride. everything, everything will be just fine. everything will be alright... ~jimmy eat world

remember that song? it's kinda from back in the day(2001) almost 10 years ago. i heard it the other day on the radio and got a little nostalgic.

this was an odd weekend. not odd in the things that happened really, but odd in where my head is at. i think the fact that i haven't had nearly enough sleep is messing with my head. i think it's kinda messing with my confidence too. *sigh* i try so hard to stay out of this funk, but it doesn't always work.
i woke up this morning kinda just 'over it'. i'm over the struggle. this single mom stuff is not easy. and things just keep getting dropped in my lap.
my situation is def not ideal. in fact there are some days that i just want to escape from it all. today is a day like that, when i kinda feel like crying.
it's weird! i really don't get it. i'm usually stronger than this. i just know that i'm tired and don't want to deal with anyone else's crap today.

i've also noticed recently that i have people in my life that have become some what parasitic. this is bad. i'm starting to feel kinda used and i really don't like it.

i know that i need to take better care of myself right now. i feel like i'm running out, not sure of what, but just running out of something. i need to recharge. i need to feed my soul. i need to be petted and taken care of.

sunshine and gumdrops

sorry to leave ya hanging kids... i've been way under the weather.
last wednesday i stayed home from work, because i was all ugh. i went to see the doc on thursday and OF COURSE, had to get inhalers. grrr... to the tune of $135 after the insurance paid part of it. ugh, stupid body!
i totally lost my voice from this ubersexy cough, so it's not been all sunshine and gumdrops the last bunch of days :(

hahahahaha... haha... haha... ha (nervous laugh)

...and then there was this last weekend.*tilts head to one side*
h*, i don't know how to explain it all or if i even want to here. we'll just say that it included several text messages, phone calls and some late night conversation.

friday, was trivial pursuit night... so fun!
saturday was a girls' day! me and one of my girls went to lunch, went shopping and then had the most awesome pedicures EVER.
i NEED one of those massaging chairs in my living room stat!

saturday night i went to see fr's band play. it was the lead singers birthday and he's also a good friend. so i had to make an appearance, right?

*sigh*

today, i have thoroughly coughed my head off. but i'm still in a super awesome mood from the weekend *wink*
plus! i'm leaving for las vegas tomorrow afternoon!!! i'm so excited to see my mom and a couple of my west coast girlies :)

oh st valentine!

so yeah... valentine's day this year, was um.. weird/bad. weird because this is the first valentine's day in at least 10yrs that i didn't have an actual valentine. bad, because i spent the whole day and part of the next puking my brains out.

i still made sure that the kidlets had fun. we met one of my girlfriends and her daughter at this really great little diner called the creamery. their food is wonderful. it's all homemade diner type food. they even make their own ice dream. and their sweet potato fries are heavenly. the kidlets def enjoyed themselves.
me, i didn't get to eat, because of the my stomach's spectacular acrobatics. i did however, take my noms home and the kidlets ate that later, so it wasn't a total waste to go ahead and order, and at least look like i intended to eat.
i had wanted to take them shopping, but instead we laid around and watched movies all day. how many times can you watch transformers in one day without losing you mind? you ask... i have no idea. they loved it though and since i was already without said mind, it was fine.

a slightly more health conscious baked potato

i am an avid reader of food blogs and well, other blogs too. but i was inspired to harden my arteries by my friend saint tigerlily. she always has super fun ideas :) so in honor of saint tigerlily's overstuffed potatoes i made my own version.




i used red potatoes instead of russets to start with 1) because they are smaller(yay for smaller portions!) and 2) because they are sweeter, so the kidlets like them.

the toppings included:

diced turkey kielbasa
garlicky spinach
light sour cream
cheddar jack cheese
and diced tomatoes

i served it with a strawberry and spinach salad. because yeah, strawberries + pepper = awesome.

this was a great weeknight supper. super easy and super fast, plus i have leftovers if i want to make it again this week. the girl wasn't really impressed with the spinach, but she liked everything else. and the boy was all over the spinach and kielbasa, so this meal was def FTW.

p.s. not the clearest pic, i know. i'm having issues with uploading pics... so bear with me *wink*

i [heart] scallops with asparagus

so yeah... this week has just gone to sh*t...

i did manage to go to the movies on wed night and see sherlock holmes. i give it an A. of course, 2 shots of jeager and a couple of beers always improves a movie experience... just not so good for the morning after. (note to self: hangovers suck a** on thursday mornings.)
i'm not really sure what my problem is today though. i'm so nauseated. ugh. not a good thing for me. i hate hate HATE throwing up.



oh yeah, i made this last night. i think i deserved it. ny strip steak, scallops, asparagus, and a white wine sauce... it was REALLY good. i didn't eat that much of it, but it still tasted awesome. i [heart] my dear friend saint tigerlily for the recipe and method. i've made it several times with scallops and shrimp and it always turns out amazing.
the running joke about it last night between me and mg was that 'someday i'll make an AWESOME wife, but until then i'm going to eat awesome sh*t like this ALL BY MYSELF!!!'

i was totally slacking

so... yeah. i have stuff to say, but don't know how to say it today.

this week seems like it has gone by in a total flash. i know there was something slightly controversial that happened, but apparently it wasn't that important or i would remember what it was. oh well, i guess it didn't affect my world that much.

i was feeling very impatient the other day, but i am better now. as you know, i've been trying to take better care of myself, but last week i was totally slacking. i think that had something to do with it.
i've been doing much better this week. i've been dragging my sorry butt out of bed EVERY morning to work out. i think i'm doing pretty ok with it. i do crunches, push-ups, squats, lunges and some ballet type stretching.
all i can say is WOW, i feel so incredible by the time i get to work. i hate getting up early, because i'm so not a morning person. but this really seems to be working for me. i'm in a better almost contagiously mood for the rest of the day.

...just thought you should know :)

in other news: i had lunch with sd today. it was nice. tonight i'm supposed to go meet some friends for drinks and some live music(not a band i've seen before). so that should be fun. i'm not really sure what else i'll be doing this weekend, but i'll keep ya posted...

allergic?

ok, so i had this whole post about loneliness and companionship floating around in my head last night. i may still post it later...

BUT, i realized this morning that i'm having an allergic reaction to something. ugh!! i don't know what though... i think i would have known sooner if it hadn't been for this totally f*ed up weather that we've been having.
i've chocked up the dry skin and eyes and the weird sinuses and all the other weirdness to the whacked out weather. my eyes are burning today. so now i get to deconstruct my diet for the last week to try and figure it out.
FUN!! just what i wanted to do today. not to mention how fun it's going to be to operate on antihistamines. this sucks a*!!


p.s. taking benadryl while drinking red bull = not my best idea ever