Thursday, April 29, 2010

one of THOSE days...

do you ever have those days where you just want to crawl under your desk and hide? well for me, yesterday was one of THOSE days...

i was feeling very vulnerable. i'd let down my guard for a minute and it kinda knocked me down a peg.

i know! i'm such a puss sometimes...

it took me a second to realize that there is strength in knowing your boundaries. and by god, i'm gonna push them as far as they'll go!

last night while doing the insomnia dance, i was reminded of how amazing my friends and family really are. they love me unconditionally. no matter what i do or how many times i stick my foot in my mouth, they're always there.

we all need that. we all need someone to love us unconditionally. it's good to have a shoulder to put your head on and arms to hold you when you need it.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

so random: insomnia

aaaaaahhhh... i got nothin'...

random fact #1: i got 4 inches cut off my hair (and bangs and layering)on monday. and how insignificant am i? no one noticed...

random fact #2: the runner for the lawyers office that we do work with brought me a dead bird today. weird!! in his defense, he wasn't sure if it was dead. he watched it fall from somewhere and hit the sidewalk. still weird.

random fact #3: i sent a link to this here blog to some one important to me and i'm not really sure what to think about the response. f* you anxiety!!

random fact #4: the non sleep a.k.a. insomnia is back! last night i was up at 2am for no particular reason. so i did laundry and cleaned my kitchen. and now here i am, it's after 1am. yay me!

if this keeps up, i'm thinking i see some late night baking in my future... again.

i think i've got these pumpkin muffins down pat, plus the modifications for apple and pear. maybe now i'll start working on banana bread, either that or i'll try working on that baked french toast again. i did see a nice recipe for chocolate cake, but like i need chocolate cake around the house...

ugh! oh well, i'll figure something out.

Monday, April 26, 2010

grin and bear it

...i may not have the softest touch, i may not say the words as such and though i may not look like much i'm yours... ~the script

ok, so here it is... this post is where i bear my soul. it's a potential blog killer, but whatever i have to get it all out.

i love. (imagine that!) yes, i love.

how do i explain this? i'm stupid nuts about a guy. i'm always hesitant to post anything that could be considered as TMI here. but if you know me then you know who it is. we've had some good time, bad times, crazy times(mostly me crazy) and we've had some omgsoamazing times.

this man is my weakness.

things between us seem so complicated some time, but really they're not. there is nothing complicated about loving someone. it's the reality part of life that can be complicated.
i walk around with my 'game face' on like a mask. it's not that i want to hide how i feel. it's that i'm afraid of the rejection. there's a lot of potential to get hurt, when you give yourself(your heart) to someone.
this is what i've been so conflicted about. i've been spending a lot more time with him recently. and it's been wonderful. but our time is usually limited. what's hard for me is that i want more. more time, more of him, more of it all.
i want to tell him all of these things, but reality gets in the way. reality is kind of a bitch right now.

this is hard! i'm supposed to be the rock. everyone comes to me with their issues. but who do i go to? there are only a few of my friends that actually know it all.
so the question of the hour is this: do i keep this to myself and potentially let him slip away? or do i say where i am?

Friday, April 23, 2010


The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... ~Oscar Wilde

you ever have things happen in your life that mess with you so bad that you're almost consumed by it?? i might just be insane, but that's kinda how my brain is working lately. it's like i'm in this funk and i just can't quite shake it. so this week i have totally been on autopilot.

i am conflicted about so many things. mostly relationship shaped things, but also other things...

i really didn't think this would be so hard. i know what i want and i know what is good for me. so why then can they not be the same? or at least not the opposite? what's the alternative or compromise? where do we draw the line for right and wrong? at what point do we say that this is or isn't acceptable behavior?

friends tell me they've been there. i know some have. how can something that makes you happy be wrong? i'm happy, but frustrated. i know i'm being vague, but there are too many complications to write here. just too much involved. *sigh*

moving along...

last weekend was another solid good. these good weekends are becoming a steady thing for me, so yay for that!

thursday the kidlets and i grilled out with lb. one of our fav things to do! she just got a sweet new weber! i want one so bad... if only i had a deck or balcony of some kind.

friday the girl and i went and got our nails done. that's right, i'm starting her off young!

saturday i took the girl to chuck e cheese's. she loved it. it's amazing the fun a 3yr old can have with 5 bucks in tokens. it was a nice afternoon.

saturday night was um... well, that kinda has to do with my conflict. i went to bristol on an invite. i even stayed in the band house. i had an amazing time.

at the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010


so i kinda suck at keeping up with the writing lately... sorry!

i want to write. i have things to write about, really i do. i just have so much on my plate as of late that i can't seem to get it right.
i'm conflicted about a lot of things right now. it occurred to me that my usual approach is to just ride it out and see what happens *sigh* but for some reason, i'm letting myself get stressed over it. stress and my health don't really get along so well, so i'm going to do my best to just chill the h* out. maybe i'll be a little hermit-ish this week. maybe cook something new... or old. maybe bake a little.

p.s. i had a really great weekend, but that's where some of my conflict comes from. i may post about it later.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

like a dang super ball

geeze o' pete!!


idk what my problem is... i've gotten a ton of stuff accomplished at work, but my brain has been bouncing around like a dang super ball. i can't seem to get my thoughts and stuff in order.

i suppose it could be that my brain is stuck somewhere between last weekend and this coming weekend...

last weekend was just... WOW, just WOW!

friday i had dinner with one of my girlies. it was so good to see her and catch up. we used to go to church together years and years ago. good food, good conversation and a good glass of wine... my kind of night!
it didn't hurt that i was at home and in bed at a decent hour either. lately, it seems that i have a ton of energy during the day, but am insanely tired at night. not sure why... so yay for sleep!

this is the point in my post where i tilt my head slightly and giggle just a little bit...

so... yeah, text messages at 3am and 2 phone calls later... and i was making plans to go down to atlanta for the night, saturday night.

CRAZY! i know!!

i had actually talked myself out of it by 4pm saturday, because it was 3 hours one way and have i told you that i could seriously get lost in a paper bag? let alone atlanta, a city i'd never driven in.
i mentioned it to one of my girls. and POOF! we made plans at 7 and left my apt at 8. i still can't believe that we went. but hey, i've got pictures to prove it :)
we had so much fun! and the drive was def worth it...

Thursday, April 8, 2010

smiling with...

i've been wondering around my apartment for the last hour trying to figure out why i hadn't posted earlier this week.

... and then it dawned on me. it was easter this last weekend. as you know, me and holidays don't get along so well right now. so i guess i was just trying to forget about it or something.
i mean, overall, it was a pretty good weekend. i did all the eastery stuff with the girl (easter dresses, church, nice lunch) and the boy stayed with his granny for the weekend. but i was only half into it.
the hardest thing for me was getting my mother off the phone. she called to see if the kidlets easter gifts had arrived and indeed they had. i hate having to tell her that i don't want to talk, but i know she understood.

moving on...

tuesday, i had a lovely surprise! i got flowers delivered to work... see?

remember my trip to vegas??

i've been emailing back and forth with one of the vm's dude's friends. (we'll call him ie for irish eyes) we just talk about life and what's going on around us. he tells me a lot about ireland and i tell him a lot about here. he's super nice and easy going. it's so cool to be corresponding with someone from another country!
well, he's the one who sent me the flowers, just to make me smile. how nice is that?

so far that has been the highlight of my week... not too shabby, huh :)

Thursday, April 1, 2010

cuando, cuando, cuando

tell me when will you be mine
tell me cuando, cuando, cuando
we can share a love divine
please don't make me wait again...

ahhhhh.... listening to michael buble always makes me feel so zen. like i should be doing the samba or basking in the sun in a bikini with one of those fruity drinks with a little umbrella in it. *sigh*

it's spring! spring has finally sprung!! talk about mood weather... it's gorgeous outside. of course, i don't have any windows in my office, but that's beside the point. the promise of the beautiful weekend ahead has made me just a little antsy today...

oy! i can't believe it's already thursday! where has the week gone??

where to start... where to start...

i know this is a lil out of chronological order, but you love me. so you'll let me get away with it, right? right.

last weekend was another one of those solid kind of good weekends.
friday was great! i went to fr's show at a local sports bar with a couple of my girlies. we had so much fun! oh the trouble i could get into at that particular place... ha! they recently installed a stripper pole in another part of the building. that's all i'm gonna say about that *grins*

saturday was nice and relaxing until i got a phone call at 6pm from one of my friends, telling me that we were having a birthday dinner for another one of my friends at 7:30. and here i was half passed out on the couch.
shew! that got me kick started...

i had dinner (well, sangria at least) and chocolate cake at a mexican restaurant with the girls. i went from there to the same sports bar from friday to see another one of my friends bands play for a bit. THEN, went home and changed clothes.

me and one of the girls headed to the club. we were guests of dj. so VIP, no cover, and bottle service! it's good to be me sometimes!

we had a blast!