to my lovelies: #1

i wrote you an email. i'll be writing more over time and publishing as i can.

dear lovelies,

i haven't posted for MONTHS and it's driving me absolutely nuts! it's kinda complicated as to why.

a quick list of some of the reasons:

i met a guy that started as my friend and then became more for about minute. not something i had planned for, it just kinda happened.

said guy's brother passed away suddenly and everything turned to sh*.

i moved, again.

issues with the kidlets.

issues with friend.

sickness... lots of sickness.

and i've been trying to recuperate ever since.

these days my soul is tired.

moments of bliss

we find rest in those we love, and provide a resting place in ourselves for those who love us ~saint bernard of clairaux

this weekend has been one of great memories. but i have to say, yesterday was one of my favorite days!

it seems like it started in dreams and soft kisses.

warm embraces and pretty little secrets.

silky whispers and moments of bliss.

it ended much the same.

the day was spent with the truest of friends and the wonder and innocence of children.

my heart is so full.

love in any form is amazing!

so random: lellow jewwy beans

with a twinkle in her eye "mommy! i have a lellow jewwy bean in my mouf right now!" <--- the girl said this while her and the boy were eating frozen yogurt today at froyoz. she was so excited and matter of fact about it. it was hilarious! totally made me giggle.

random fact #1: i went to a ladies luncheon today with sg. it was one of those lunches where the host is trying to get you to buy into whatever they're selling. it was interesting. the product was this anti-aging stuff that's made by the same people who make pro active.

since when did i get old enough to think about anti-aging products? and who the h* let this happen?!

last i check, i don't even turn 30 until NEXT october... *sigh*

random fact #2: i look like i have old lady hands. this cold weather wreaks havoc on my skin moisture-wise, so in the wrong light my hands look way older than they are. i'm def gonna have to work on this!

random fact #3: the boy got 9 'As' and 2 'Bs' on his report card this time around. i'm so proud of him! he had a tough time keeping up last year, but he's really stepped his game up this year and it shows.

as a reward i bought him a book that he's been wanting and took him to a movie. he and i don't get much time together without the girl, so he loved it.

random fact #4: i cut my hair back in october. i know, old news... but i've had major anxiety over it ever since. it really was like cutting off a limb or something like that. to give you an idea of what i'm talking about, it was almost down to my waste and now (months later) it hits about an inch or so past my collar bone.

random fact #5: have i mentioned that i hate the snow? 'cause i do. with the fore of a thousand suns. i'm so over the idea, concept and manifestation of the winter.

random fact #6: i'm finally getting more sleep. i'm not really sure what's changed other than things are kinda settling down a bit. i keep waiting for the anxiety to attack, but it doesn't attack as often. i'm sure that has a lot to do with the sleeping.

welp, i think that's all for now.

perhaps soon, i'll get back to a better posting schedule. i see this as a start :)

hope you all have a lovely weekend!!

hugs to you and big wet kisses!

wild animals

hey, hey!

hi! how are ya?

*high fives the guy over there*

yeah! so hey, thanks for coming!!

ha! i think i'm losing it?! like for real... *crosses and uncrosses eyes*

so the snow... *deep breathe* we have been snowed in off and on for the last 3 days. it's not been blizzard conditions or anything like that. it's just not been safe to drive in all this crap.

the schools have been closed and they open an hour late tomorrow. i hate to say it, but i'll be glad to get back to work and whatnot.

there is just something about not being able to get out of the house that makes children turn into wild animals. the stircrazy has taken over. and MY wild animals have just about made me pull my hair out.

like this, but with snow...

have i told you how much i hate the snow?! as far as i'm concerned this snow can take a freakin hike!!

lovesong

begin at the beginning and go till the end, then stop ~alice in wonderland

i had this whole post ready to publish that was about secrets and love, but i think i will save it for another day. today i am going to tell you about my weekend, like i used to.

friday was super fun! fr's show was canceled because of a scheduling mix up, so some of us got together and saw another cover band in the next town over.

late night + alcohol + awesome friends = great times!!

saturday was when things just kept getting better. the kidlets and i made a super yummy breakfast of ham and cheese omelets and biscuits and gravy. i love it when we have quiet mornings at home! we had a great afternoon at a friend's son's birthday/pool party.

saturday night i drove to bristol to see fr's band play. i love out of town gigs with them! they kicked a*!! they had new songs, including this one by the cure that i just adore!

and you know the best times are at the band house :)

my night and morning and day were wonderful and beautiful and sad. (we'll save the sad for later though) fr is amazing! just amazing...
once we were together, we occupied the same space as if that was the norm. it was US. if it hadn't been for certain things that i'll address later i would have been glowing like i was radioactive all the way home.

so random: confessions... and other stuff

short conversation between me and the boy the other day:
him: "i don't have to wear sunglasses, the sun doesn't hurt my eyes"
me: "it does mine"
him: "probly 'cause you're oooooold"
me: "oh, thanks"

*sigh* geeze... there's nothing like your 7yr old son to point out that you're getting older... say "goodbye confidence"
most days i still try and hang on to the fact that i'm still in my 20s, but having a kid that just finished 2nd grade doesn't help matters.

i always have so much going on in this head of mine, that sometimes i just need to get it all out...

random fact #1: i'm feeling very introverted and a little cranky today. i feel like i'm still trying to grab onto something to pull myself up by... it's like there is that 'thing' that is right there in front of me that i can't see and i can't quite reach. i'm working on it though.

random fact #2: sometimes i fake it... not THAT(faking THAT would be a disservice to myself, kwim?). i mean that i fake 'happy' sometimes. like right now... unless, i've talked to you personally or you've read some of my recent posts, then you wouldn't know that things aren't going super awesome in my life.
people post depressing statuses on facebook and myspace all the time, but to me that's kinda dumb. no one else REALLY cares if you're absolutely miserable or brokenhearted or depressed, only people that truly care about you do that. plus, there is that whole thing where i don't like everyone (meaning my 340something fb friends) knowing all my business, except for you guys... but even then, i don't over-share.

random fact #3: my now 4yr old daughter has taken up residence in my bed at night. this wouldn't be so much of an issue for me, if i didn't sleep with my laptop...
yes, i sleep with my laptop in the bed... *sigh*
it started out that i would just fall asleep with it on. it's gotten to a point now that i've actually made a specific music playlist to sleep to. i know! i'm addicted, but there are way worse things to be addicted to, so there's that.

random fact #4: i'm quickly going blond, not on purpose though. what i really want is blond highlights and pink panels underneath. i had them for a day, but they washed out. i'm not really sure why. it's possible that my stylist didn't let the pink process long enough, because they were supposed to be permanent.
i've decided not to go back to the dark brunette that i had in the fall and winter, but only because it messed with my confidence a little bit. the blond seems to fit my personality a lot better, or at least that's what i've been told.

random fact #5: i don't like it when chicks come-on to me. in fact, i've decided that it really weirds me out, like bad.

random fact #6: i hate confrontation. like seriously!! i'm a puss until i've been pushed to my breaking point. i've been told so many times that i'm just too nice. i guess it's because i try to have patience with people, because you never know what they are really going though or what they may be struggling with.

i think that's all for now, but maybe more later...

my breaking point : update

i am officially exhausted...

the last 3 nights have been rough. because the girl had been up so many times sunday night, she was exhausted monday. the only way that she could sleep was for me to hold her. i held her til 2am, dozing on and off and finally had to go crawl in bed. i didn't sleep long.
4:30am and i was UP and i wasn't happy about it. she was up shortly after that, so we got the day started. we leave the house before 7am on weekdays, so it wasn't too too much of a stretch.
last night i dozed on the couch on and off with her(that's the other thing, she wont sleep in her bed right now). she was only up 3 times, so that's progress. i was mostly awake and talked on the phone with co until 2am. (remind me to tell you about her one of these days... she's amazing! <3) i finally got in the bed sometime after 3am and was up by 5:30.

shew! today my eyes burn and my body is starting to feel heavy and sore. it's not even lunch time yet, and i'm going to have to put my hair up and get some more caffeine in me, quick!

my breaking point

deep breathe in... and out... deep breathe in... and out...

crying at work doesn't sound like a great idea right now, so i'm trying not to lose it today *sigh*

if any of you know me at all, then you know that the kidlets are the most important people in my life. i do everything that i can to protect them and shelter them from the whacked out sh*t that happens in life and the world in general. this is so hard sometimes...

yesterday was the girl's 4th birthday. we celebrated the way we usually celebrate birthdays in our house. mama cooks whatever you want including any kind of desert that you want and we have a quiet family day. so last night i made broccoli and beef for supper and we had strawberry banana shortcake for desert per the birthday girl's request.

we got half way through dessert, and my sweet girl started bawling. she couldn't understand why her father couldn't come to her 'birthday party'. my baby girl was hurting.

the heart of my heart had pain and sadness that i couldn't fix. i couldn't just kiss her booboo and make it all better. it was all i could do to not break down until the kidlets were in bed.

this sorry excuse for a human being called her to wish her a happy birthday earlier in the day. after being completely MIA for the last 2 months, he calls... OMG!! WTF!! are you f*cking kidding me?!?!
she didn't tell him she missed him or even that she loved him. no surprise there...

he's so selfish! he tried to sell me some line about how he felt like i thought it was a bad idea for him to see her anymore and it hurt his feelings. you're joking, right?! so because he got his 'feelings' hurt he just up and disappeared? because HIS feelings factor into what when it comes to what's right for my little girl??
no sh*t i don't think it's a good idea for him to see her! he's not stable and he wont stay on his meds. where is the draw here?? where's that thing within him that makes me want to trust him with my little girl?? i don't see it... do you??

needless to say, we had a pretty rough night. i don't even know how many times she woke up crying. i talked her into sleeping in my bed for a little while so i could hold her, but she still got up and roamed around.

i have never hated anyone in my life. but today, i know how it feels to hate. it makes me sick to my stomach. i am so angry!
i don't want to hate anybody. this is just beyond what i can handle. i have been pushed to my breaking point. so when i say i don't want to cry, it's angry tears i'm talking about.

outside in the sunshine

today, i'm tired. like more tired than usual. i think i could have slept another 5 hours this morning instead of getting up.
this weekend was looooong, but not in a bad way. i just didn't get a lot of sleep, but that was mostly self inflicted. mostly.

friday night i went to fr's show. that was just a weird night. it ended good though, so yay for that!

saturday, i spent the day running around and shopping with the kidlets and my friends 15yr old daughter. that was def interesting. oh, to be 15 again...
saturday night was spent drinking wine and goofing off with rt. she's hilarious!

oh yeah, and yay for late night texting and phone calls before bed! those are the best :)

i spent sunday with the kidlets. it was so nice and relaxing. they played outside in the sunshine. i really think that all sundays should be like that.

also, i had some late night conversation that lasted til the wee hours of the morning. i think it was productive. *crosses fingers*

going swimming...

ok seriously?!?

i think i must have mommy brain today! i totally just had to get out the day planner to figure out what the h* i've been doing the last idk how many days...

ooooohhh...

i see what happened...

the boy stayed with his stepmother for the weekend. so friday was a quiet night at home. just me and the girl. in other words, i was in bed at a decent hour. yay sleep!!

saturday was when everything got a little crazy.

the girl and i had a great day! we spent part of it ransacking the kidlets room and getting some spring cleaning done.
in the afternoon we got our nails done and went shopping. she loves getting her nails painted at the nail shop, it's such a treat.

saturday night lb and i went to fr's show. i couldn't tell you how long it's been since lb and i have had an actually night out together.
we danced, we drank, and we even watched the lead singer do this lifeguard move to pull some random girl off of fr. i'm still laughing about that...

there were a few little hiccups in the night, but it ended with a smile :)

autopilot

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... ~Oscar Wilde

you ever have things happen in your life that mess with you so bad that you're almost consumed by it?? i might just be insane, but that's kinda how my brain is working lately. it's like i'm in this funk and i just can't quite shake it. so this week i have totally been on autopilot.

i am conflicted about so many things. mostly relationship shaped things, but also other things...

i really didn't think this would be so hard. i know what i want and i know what is good for me. so why then can they not be the same? or at least not the opposite? what's the alternative or compromise? where do we draw the line for right and wrong? at what point do we say that this is or isn't acceptable behavior?

friends tell me they've been there. i know some have. how can something that makes you happy be wrong? i'm happy, but frustrated. i know i'm being vague, but there are too many complications to write here. just too much involved. *sigh*

moving along...

last weekend was another solid good. these good weekends are becoming a steady thing for me, so yay for that!

thursday the kidlets and i grilled out with lb. one of our fav things to do! she just got a sweet new weber! i want one so bad... if only i had a deck or balcony of some kind.

friday the girl and i went and got our nails done. that's right, i'm starting her off young!

saturday i took the girl to chuck e cheese's. she loved it. it's amazing the fun a 3yr old can have with 5 bucks in tokens. it was a nice afternoon.

saturday night was um... well, that kinda has to do with my conflict. i went to bristol on an invite. i even stayed in the band house. i had an amazing time.

at the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants...

smiling with...

i've been wondering around my apartment for the last hour trying to figure out why i hadn't posted earlier this week.

... and then it dawned on me. it was easter this last weekend. as you know, me and holidays don't get along so well right now. so i guess i was just trying to forget about it or something.
i mean, overall, it was a pretty good weekend. i did all the eastery stuff with the girl (easter dresses, church, nice lunch) and the boy stayed with his granny for the weekend. but i was only half into it.
the hardest thing for me was getting my mother off the phone. she called to see if the kidlets easter gifts had arrived and indeed they had. i hate having to tell her that i don't want to talk, but i know she understood.

moving on...

tuesday, i had a lovely surprise! i got flowers delivered to work... see?



remember my trip to vegas??

i've been emailing back and forth with one of the vm's dude's friends. (we'll call him ie for irish eyes) we just talk about life and what's going on around us. he tells me a lot about ireland and i tell him a lot about here. he's super nice and easy going. it's so cool to be corresponding with someone from another country!
well, he's the one who sent me the flowers, just to make me smile. how nice is that?

so far that has been the highlight of my week... not too shabby, huh :)

so random: omg. wtf week!

i had a stellar weekend, but that's for another post.

the weirdest crap has been dropped in my lap this week. i've been experiencing 'wtf's all week and it's only wednesday. geeze...

random fact #1: remember ts? one of his friends who is now not his friend told me some info that totally floored me on monday. it's taken people a while to see the real him. shocker! right?
well, apparently it doesn't end at all the weirdness that he bestowed upon me.
he's got a kid! a daughter, that he doesn't own up to. not only that, but she's 18! an adult. wtf. a child that he denies. omg! if i had known that before... hindsight's 20/20, but still! omg!

random fact #2: i got unfriended on facebook for not agreeing with a friends specific religious views...
it bothered me at first but i'm not upset about it now, because a) it's facebook! i post what i want and police my own page. if someone puts up something offensive then i take it down. the things that i post are either silly or encouraging.
i want people to be happy and to feel loved, even if it's just for 2 seconds out of their busy day. and b) how ridiculous is it to delete someone over the fact that they don't believe the specific doctrine that you believe?? there are so many different denominations of christianity that you just can't agree with them all.
i look at life in a different way than most, but i always try and see things with love and hope. i guess her and i weren't as good of friends as i thought.

random fact #3: and the official WTF of the week...
bh bailed on visitation with the girl last night! wtf! he won't respond to text messages or calls. i finally got ahold of his manager at work, thinking that he may have done something stupid. like last year when he tried to commit suicide. but nope, he was on his way to work when his manager called him. can we say d*bag?!?!
so he wasted my time and gas money AND upset the girl for what?! for what?! why are you gonna bail on your kid?!? after all of the crap he has put us through... why?!
angry does not even begin to cover how i feel right now... my baby girl deserves better than this! period!

so that's where i'm at today.

deep breathes. deep. cleansing. breathes. in through the nose and out though the mouth... and again. ok, i'm not going to let this ruin my week d*mnit!!

diving back in head first

i'm trying to get back into the swing of things here, but life keeps happening around me. i just want to tell life 'hey, can you hold on just a sec so i can get my head on straight'. but life, she's a funny thing, she just keeps on going. so here's to diving back in head first and hopefully not getting overwhelmed.

last week seemed to go by in a haze. (btw, jet lag sucks when you've got sh*t to do.) it seems like i wasn't even awake and coherent until friday. add caffeine to that and POOF! i turn into a goldfish.

friday was fun. i took the kidlets to a birthday party for rt's nephew. it took a min for them to warm up to everybody, but once the did, they had a blast. who doesn't love kids singing karaoke?? it was great!
of course we played trivial pursuit later that night too. and guess what?! I WON!! woot woot!! i love it when i win stuff! of course, i never win, so it was so much the sweeter :D

saturday was kind of a lazy day apart from the cleaning and insane amount of laundry that i got through. i still have so much more to do to truely be caught up.
saturday night i went to fr's show. i had so much fun. and i didn't drink too much. so yay for that!

hmm... sat down with fr again. we talked quite a bit about all sorts of things. positive things... i hope.

oh st valentine!

so yeah... valentine's day this year, was um.. weird/bad. weird because this is the first valentine's day in at least 10yrs that i didn't have an actual valentine. bad, because i spent the whole day and part of the next puking my brains out.

i still made sure that the kidlets had fun. we met one of my girlfriends and her daughter at this really great little diner called the creamery. their food is wonderful. it's all homemade diner type food. they even make their own ice dream. and their sweet potato fries are heavenly. the kidlets def enjoyed themselves.
me, i didn't get to eat, because of the my stomach's spectacular acrobatics. i did however, take my noms home and the kidlets ate that later, so it wasn't a total waste to go ahead and order, and at least look like i intended to eat.
i had wanted to take them shopping, but instead we laid around and watched movies all day. how many times can you watch transformers in one day without losing you mind? you ask... i have no idea. they loved it though and since i was already without said mind, it was fine.

wanting to rush it

i know i said i would keep you posted on this last weekend, but i'm not even sure where to start.

friday didn't end the way i'd hoped. i ended up arguing with a friend of mine. which was stupid. i was being my smart a* self and he told me that i was being a b*. so, i lost my patience and basically told him to go f* himself. cause really, at the end of the night, i am my own person and i don't answer to anyone. period. i know that might sound funny unless you were privy to the actual conversation, but he wasn't calling me out. he'd had too much to drink and was just being a d*. he apologized for it later.

anywho, saturday was kind of a lazy day. the girl and i stayed at home and watched movies. i like days like that. we both fell asleep on the couch.
fr stopped by on his way home from GA. that was nice. i like to sit and just talk to him. there is no pressure to do anything or be anything.

today, i'm just in a good mood. just happy with how things are. i think that's how i should be. it seems so often that because i know what i want, i end up wanting to rush it. i do want to get on with the rest of my life, but what that entails, i just don't know. so i just keep on the way that it is and kinda let it ride. and i'm ok with that.

playing kickball... DUH!

ugh. today has been trying....
*sigh* i'm so trying to chill the h* out. i am so over it with bh and his newest ex-wife. geeze, they've been wearing me out today. and now, i'm done. just done. *cleansing breath in and out* i've been so stressed that my jaw actually hurts.

this is what i was talking about when i said i was clearing the deck. i'm cutting off all contact with anyone who brings me drama. i just don't need the stress. i deserve to be treated better by the people that i choose to interact with.

in other news: this last weekend was a solid 'good' weekend. i mostly hung out at the house with the kidlets. saturday, i took the kidlets to see cloudy with a chance of meatballs. they loved it so much. the girl sat in my lap the whole time. i was amazed, she usually wont sit still for that long.

sunday was a pretty relaxing day. the kidlets and i listened to a podcast from church since it was SO cold. have i told you how much i hate cold weather?? yeah, it was freakin freezing...
i'm so loving this mommy thing! esp because the girl is finally old enough to really interact with everyone. i love how she learns new things all the time. we have so much fun. we actually played kickball in the kitchen :) and we didn't even break anything. that's what the extra space is for, right?

if life starts to get you down, slap its hand and tell it NO!

ugh. i'm still without a computer at work and have been super busy playing catch up to formulate a post until now.

quick rundown of this past week:

saturday: i was invited out to the club by dj. VIP, bottle service, the works. had a great time, but drank too much. i just can't do that again.

sunday: black ice + tree = expensive new passenger side door and front fender. that sucked! i'm so thankful that no one else was in the car with me and that no one got hurt.

monday: i had a stomach bug. it was so bad that i didn't actually put food in my mouth until halfway through tuesday.
also, i had my dreaded doctors appt. the doc says everything looks good. but i'm still waiting for my post card that says that the cancer hasn't come back.

tuesday: i was still kinda sick. i was so tired and wanted to crawl under a rock, but i went to work instead. blah

wednesday: the girl got sick at the sitters. poor baby threw up everywhere. when i got there she was shaking and warm, but she got better as the day went on.

thursday: i was feeling much better. i ended up going to hooter's with the girls after work. it was casual, relaxing, and all around a great time. wings, beer, cute girls(my girls, not the waitstaff). where's the downside?

friday: the kidlets and i had a quiet evening at home with chinese. yum!

saturday(today): i started the day off at 4am. why? i have no idea. i just woke up and was up. so i baked. i made blueberry muffins and apple cinnamon bread pudding. they both turned out pretty well, but i think i'm going to tweak the bread pudding a bit more before i post it.

in other news: i've decided to take melissa's suggestion and call my new guy nj (for new jersey). while that nickname doesn't necessarily describe his whole personality, it kinda works for him. things are going slowly, but that's kinda a good thing :)

birthday weekend 09

this weekend brought to you by no sleep, copious amounts of caffeine, and the letter "w" for woohoo!

this years celebrations were many. i ended up with less than 3 hours of sleep per night, but i truly had a blast! so much happened that i'm trying to figure out where to start. i guess i'll start with thursday...
thursday night was fun and mellow. the kidlets and i had a quiet dinner at a small upscale diner close to where we live. we loved it. it was a solid family night with good food and a milkshake and cookies for desert. i stayed up late that night waiting for my mom to get here from california. needless to say, that night started my weekend off with only 3 hours of sleep under my belt.

friday, we had cake at work and i had lunch with a friend. that night a big group of us went to dinner at a restaurant down by the river. it was a chilly night so we didn't get to sit out on the deck, but it was still a great time. i went with some of 'my crew' to a club across town and danced the night away. we were there until the club closed. it was sooo much fun!
i didn't get home that morning until around 8:30, because i ended up staying at a friend's house. i think i slept until a little after 10, so still not much sleep.

saturday was nice and relaxing. we had a late lunch at the little diner we ate at on thursday.we took our time and had ice cream and cookies for desert. it was one of those days that kinda give you the warm fuzzies. we all had a great time. just puttering around town and shopping.
saturday night, i went to 2 costume parties. the first one was thrown by one of my girls and the second one was a keg party that rt had been invited to. good times were had by all!
we ended the night by going to IHOP for breakfast. it's nice to sit and talk and wind down after a crazy night.
i even got a phone call from fr while we were waiting for our food. he was on his way back from playing a wedding in huntsville. *sigh* of course after that, i ended up taking my food home with me. i was in bed just after 5:30, but up by 8:30. thank god for red bull!!

sunday was a good day. my mom and i took the kidlets to church. she really seemed to like my church. it's nothing like my home church, but it did meet my mom's approval for where her grandchildren learn about important stuff. after lunch, we spent the rest of the day at a local amusement park.

this was by far the best birthday i think i've ever had... the only thing that sucks is that i'm finally starting to enjoy my 20's and now they are quickly disappearing. *sigh* oh well, i guess that's how life is...

playing catch up

*sigh* half the week is already gone and i still feel like i haven't caught up on everything from being sick.
i finally got my new car back yesterday. well, it's not brand new, but it's new to me... anywho, it had a blown head gasket after i'd only had it for 3 weeks. can we say expensive?
so i've been driving a loaner car. omg, it was so depressing. it was so bad that i worried that it would fall apart before i got my car back. so, i appreciate having my blue bell back that much more.(yes, i name my cars. shh... it's not weird)

in other news: it's 2 days til my birthday! yay me! don't get me wrong, i have plenty of chances to go out and spend time with friends. but i usually don't make a big deal about anything to do with myself. it's usually all about my friends or the kidlets. this one time a year, it's all about me! i love it!
my mom is flying in on thursday night to celebrate with us and spend time with the kidlets. i miss her so much. it's funny, the older i get the more i appreciate the time that i spent growing up in a large family. i truely wish that i could give that to the kidlets, but alas there are certain circumstances that stand in the way of me taking them home to california to live, mainly their fathers. plus, there's that whole thing where i actually know in my heart that i don't belong there.

in other other news: i've started with my cooking and baking again. not the everyday stuff, but the fun pretty stuff that i take pics of. i love trying new recipes and i especially love modifying them to fit my taste. i had taken a break from it for a while, because when all that crazy drama was going on i had the attention span of a goldfish.
so, stay tuned for yummy recipes and pics to come in the near future:)