Tuesday, September 29, 2009

boy, i make good banana bread!

"it has come to my attention that girls are good for two things. babies and banana bread. my kingdom for a baby banana bread."
~friend's facebook status on his birthday... so funny! or at least i thought it was. some people got a little offended.

anywho, this last weekend was busy, busy, busy. the boy stayed at his granny's house and the girls stayed with me.
friday there was so much to do that i was running around like a crazy person. first i had dinner, that i cooked, at lb's with all her girls. i made mediterranean chicken pasta, it turned out really well. we had so much fun and i didn't want to leave, but had other places that i had to go...

after leaving lb's i went to this sports bar called level10. i'd never been there before. it was great! i was there to see a band. one of my friends is the drummer and he had to leave yesterday for training before he gets deployed to iraq. (side note: please keep him and his family in your prayers) the guys were great! and the crowd was amazing. i didn't want to leave there either, but again was expected somewhere else.

on to the interesting part of the night...

fr's band was playing an unexpected show. and come to find out it was fr's birthday, so of course i had to go..lol. it was so much fun! they played one of my fav songs right after i got there, but really? who doesn't like darling nikki, by prince?
the crowd was meh, not so awesome, but it was a newer venue, so i'm sure if they play there again there will be a lot more people. ha, of course you know me... i'm the girl that will dance in the middle of a crowd just because i like the music, whether i've been drinking or not. so i enjoyed myself!
they didn't play as late as they usually do, but it didn't seem to be a big deal to anyone. i was there with rt and one of her friends. we sat and drank beer and talked to the band and some of their fans until they were finished tearing down their stuff.
it was fun talking to fr. we sat and talked for a while, just bsing and laughing at different things and people. finally we were both ready to go...
fr came over after that. that was nice. i think he's doing better, or maybe just dealing with things better. he's such a sweetheart. i like when i can just sit and talk to him and no one else is listening. i think we're both starting to have a pretty good understanding of each other. and i think he kinda gets it as far as me not looking for anything from anyone right now. i think that works for him.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

where i stand

forgive me.
i started this post like 2 days ago and for some reason or another didn't finish it. so here it is:

hmm... i've been thinking about this whole relationship or no relationship thing. i'm not sure if i'm confused about it or if i just don't know where i stand. sometimes i'm not so good by myself. and other times that's all i want, is to be left alone to live my life and to raise my kids.

i'm kinda over the whole 'dating' scene. i'm def over the guys that want to take me out just so they can sleep with me. what's that all about?
i spend most of my time with my friends these days and for the most part that fulfills what i need, for now. i think it's only late at night when i seem to get twinges of loneliness. i think to myself "ya know, i could call so and so and see what they are doing", but then i stop myself and text my girls or one of my guy friends. it's not good to be with someone, just so you don't have to be alone.
i guess in any case, it's gonna take a lot to get my attention at this point. in my mind i have a lot to offer a relationship. for the right man i could be the perfect woman... kinda. and any man that wants to be with me should be able to enhance my life in some way not take away from it. in a way though, i feel like i don't have it in me to be in a relationship right now. while i have much to offer, i feel like have nothing to offer. i certainly don't have my heart to offer. it's been hidden away for a while, i think.
sometimes i feel like i almost live a double life. i work 5 days a week, i cook for my kids every night, and i do the mommy thing. on the weekends, i'm different. some fridays i get to go out and just be me, without the mommy part and without all the responsibility of the week weighing on me. of course since i work on saturdays, i feel like i have to put on this whole other persona. i know how to fit in with that crowd and work it so everyone is having fun. part of me wants to be that fun party girl and part of me doesn't.

i play that game sometimes... where do i see myself in 5 years, in 10 years? and i really don't know. i guess relationship-wise, in 5 years i hope to be married or in a serious relationship with or without another child. i want to be done with this, this life by then. i want to be done being in my 20's and be more settled. of course in 5 years i'll be 32 almost 33, but you know what i mean.

i see that these things are attainable for me now, but at what price? what am i willing to give up? or am i willing to give up anything right now?
i like being able to do what i want and not having to answer to anyone. and i like being with my friends. so do i give up part of my 'freedom' for security?
i think if the right person came along, then maybe i wouldn't feel like i was giving anything up. that makes sense doesn't it?

Friday, September 18, 2009

too funny

ok, so i thought this was too funny not to post on a friday morning. i got the idea from a blog i follow called saint tigerlily. she's hilarious and posts some awesome recipes! you should def check her out...

here is a mad men version of me..lol.. what do you think? is it me?

if you think this is as fun as i do, then you should go here and mad men yourself.

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

broken hearts

why do some people insist on hurting others? we all know it's wrong to hurt someone physically, but mentally, emotionally? in some cases it's harder to get over the emotional hurt than it is the physical. there are so many of us walking around with broken hearts... i wouldn't say that mine is broken at this point, but it's been pretty mangled...
some of it is my own fault, i know this. i care about people and let them suck me into their lives and emotions. i trust them to not want to hurt me or upset me. i trust, i love, i care... i've been told that those are all good qualities. sometimes i think that i care too much. i think they call it wearing my heart on my sleeve. sadly some people recognize this and actually choose to use it against me.

i am not unique in this.

one of my best friends called me yesterday, bawling her eyes out. she was so sad and i felt sad for her. i wanted to help her and maybe i did, by just listening. she was upset over another failed relationship. she seemed to be at the end of her rope with it all.
we've all been there. that point that we get to where we feel like this is all we can do. where we feel like the universe is against us. where we feel like even though the situation isn't good for us, we didn't really want it to end. sometimes that kind of sadness can be overwhelming.

Monday, September 14, 2009

time for a change

i miss writing. not writing in the sense that i write this blog, but more like the poems and raw emotion with a pen and paper. i miss that. i don't do that anymore and i'm not really sure why. i think part of it has to do with the fact that for so long i didn't have the privacy that i needed. nothing that i had was considered mine. no matter if i had written something years ago, it was taken out of context and used against me.

i think it's time for a change in my life. i'm not exactly sure what that will be yet, but i think it will be something that others may not notice. well, they might, but only if they pay really close attention and most people don't. we all have our own lives and can be pretty self absorbed.
i seem to feel like i've been floating along waiting for something to happen and really i need to make something happen on my own. i realize this now. i have to get back to me, back to the girl that i was. i've been only halfway there for a long time.
i know that i need to make my home into my haven again. it's a hater free zone, but it's still only feels temporary. when i moved into my apartment i didn't have much. i still don't have much, but i do have stability or at least a more permanent feel to my life. i guess that's a start...

how many times can i break til i shatter?

sometimes it's not enough for some people to hurt you in a relationship, so they feel the need to pop up unexpectedly and break your heart just a little bit more...
this is how i felt on friday afternoon. sad isn't it? i didn't think that ts sending me some snarky text messages would hurt me quite as much as they did.

in other news: because of the days earlier events, i really threw myself into my girl's night out. i had so much fun. i ended up hanging out with a different group of girls than i first planned, but that didn't change anything. we went to go see fr's band. i got a bunch of great pics of the band. i was so proud for them. they really put on a great show!
it def turned into an awesome night. fr came over again after the show. he is an amazing person. i can't say that enough. he's still having a really hard time, but at the same time seems to be dealing better with it. the more i get to know him, the more i hate to see him in so much pain. i'm doing my best to be a good friend and give him the ear or hug that he needs.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

remember when...

remember when guys wanted to date you, because they thought you were a cool chick to chill with?? when relationships were fun and innocent... no pressure. anybody? well, i do and i want that. i realize that i'm not in my early 20's anymore, but that doesn't mean that every man i flirt with wants to sleep with me.... does it? more on that later, i guess.

in other news: i've had kind of a hazy weekend. it was a 3 day weekend, but went by way too fast. friday was pretty uneventful, but saturday was crazy fun. i went to go see fr's band play for a few min before having to go into work at the club. ugh. i was sooo nervous for some reason, i was actually shaking. i had a shot of jeager when i got there, just to calm my nerves. i left there and had a great night at work.
something made me decided to go back when i was done. i'm glad i did. fr ended up coming over after they'd gotten everything packed up. it was nice... we just sat and talked. we were able to talk about all sorts of things. i'm glad that fr feels like he can talk to me. he told me about quiting drinking and all the emotional stuff that he's been going through. i really wish that there was something more that i could do to help him other than being just a sympathetic ear. all in all it was a good talk though.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

this is why i'm angry

last friday, i got a call to go pick up the girl sometime after 10pm. i wasn't a happy camper! i'd been having pain in my rib and my stomach had been sooo upset all day because of the horrible anti-inflammatory meds. so my plan was to to go home, clean up a bit, take a sleeping pill and go to bed. instead i had to drive across town to pick up the girl from her stepmother.
apparently, bh met someone new and decided that he was going to be with her. so he packed his stuff and left. he left. i get the whole unhappily married thing. i get splitting up with your spouse. what i don't get is that bh left, and he left my daughter there. he left my sweet baby girl (who is only 3 yrs old) there with her stepmother. he didn't call me and say 'hey, i need you to meet me so i can hand her off to you'. no, he just left her there crying.wtf! anybody else way pissed?? cause i sure am!! my sweet girl deserves better than that! she deserves to have a dad that can get his s* together long enough to be her dad!

i have been so angry, that only now have i finally been able to even write any of this down...