Wednesday, September 23, 2009

where i stand

forgive me.
i started this post like 2 days ago and for some reason or another didn't finish it. so here it is:

hmm... i've been thinking about this whole relationship or no relationship thing. i'm not sure if i'm confused about it or if i just don't know where i stand. sometimes i'm not so good by myself. and other times that's all i want, is to be left alone to live my life and to raise my kids.

i'm kinda over the whole 'dating' scene. i'm def over the guys that want to take me out just so they can sleep with me. what's that all about?
i spend most of my time with my friends these days and for the most part that fulfills what i need, for now. i think it's only late at night when i seem to get twinges of loneliness. i think to myself "ya know, i could call so and so and see what they are doing", but then i stop myself and text my girls or one of my guy friends. it's not good to be with someone, just so you don't have to be alone.
i guess in any case, it's gonna take a lot to get my attention at this point. in my mind i have a lot to offer a relationship. for the right man i could be the perfect woman... kinda. and any man that wants to be with me should be able to enhance my life in some way not take away from it. in a way though, i feel like i don't have it in me to be in a relationship right now. while i have much to offer, i feel like have nothing to offer. i certainly don't have my heart to offer. it's been hidden away for a while, i think.
sometimes i feel like i almost live a double life. i work 5 days a week, i cook for my kids every night, and i do the mommy thing. on the weekends, i'm different. some fridays i get to go out and just be me, without the mommy part and without all the responsibility of the week weighing on me. of course since i work on saturdays, i feel like i have to put on this whole other persona. i know how to fit in with that crowd and work it so everyone is having fun. part of me wants to be that fun party girl and part of me doesn't.

i play that game sometimes... where do i see myself in 5 years, in 10 years? and i really don't know. i guess relationship-wise, in 5 years i hope to be married or in a serious relationship with or without another child. i want to be done with this, this life by then. i want to be done being in my 20's and be more settled. of course in 5 years i'll be 32 almost 33, but you know what i mean.

i see that these things are attainable for me now, but at what price? what am i willing to give up? or am i willing to give up anything right now?
i like being able to do what i want and not having to answer to anyone. and i like being with my friends. so do i give up part of my 'freedom' for security?
i think if the right person came along, then maybe i wouldn't feel like i was giving anything up. that makes sense doesn't it?

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