Friday, January 29, 2010

i [heart] scallops with asparagus

so yeah... this week has just gone to sh*t...

i did manage to go to the movies on wed night and see sherlock holmes. i give it an A. of course, 2 shots of jeager and a couple of beers always improves a movie experience... just not so good for the morning after. (note to self: hangovers suck a** on thursday mornings.)
i'm not really sure what my problem is today though. i'm so nauseated. ugh. not a good thing for me. i hate hate HATE throwing up.

oh yeah, i made this last night. i think i deserved it. ny strip steak, scallops, asparagus, and a white wine sauce... it was REALLY good. i didn't eat that much of it, but it still tasted awesome. i [heart] my dear friend saint tigerlily for the recipe and method. i've made it several times with scallops and shrimp and it always turns out amazing.
the running joke about it last night between me and mg was that 'someday i'll make an AWESOME wife, but until then i'm going to eat awesome sh*t like this ALL BY MYSELF!!!'

Tuesday, January 26, 2010

... and then the sun came up

i am in a state of utter shock. i'm trying so hard to keep it together today. so hard. *deep breathe*

i think my chest hurts *sigh*

umm... i got a message from fr late last night on myspace.
ugh. yes, we know what happens when he messages me out of the blue. it had to do with this.
so now, i'm a huge ball of OMG and so many other things. i just have so much confusion. things seemed like they were going so well with us. i've never even had an argument with him.

when he was with me sunday morning, the sun came up and he didn't seem like he wanted to leave me. he was sweet and comforting and warm. i'm not sure what has brought this about again, but we're going to sit and talk this weekend. i'm going to do my very best to be calm about the situation.

yeah, my chest hurts...

Monday, January 25, 2010

wanting to rush it

i know i said i would keep you posted on this last weekend, but i'm not even sure where to start.

friday didn't end the way i'd hoped. i ended up arguing with a friend of mine. which was stupid. i was being my smart a* self and he told me that i was being a b*. so, i lost my patience and basically told him to go f* himself. cause really, at the end of the night, i am my own person and i don't answer to anyone. period. i know that might sound funny unless you were privy to the actual conversation, but he wasn't calling me out. he'd had too much to drink and was just being a d*. he apologized for it later.

anywho, saturday was kind of a lazy day. the girl and i stayed at home and watched movies. i like days like that. we both fell asleep on the couch.
fr stopped by on his way home from GA. that was nice. i like to sit and just talk to him. there is no pressure to do anything or be anything.

today, i'm just in a good mood. just happy with how things are. i think that's how i should be. it seems so often that because i know what i want, i end up wanting to rush it. i do want to get on with the rest of my life, but what that entails, i just don't know. so i just keep on the way that it is and kinda let it ride. and i'm ok with that.

Friday, January 22, 2010

i was totally slacking

so... yeah. i have stuff to say, but don't know how to say it today.

this week seems like it has gone by in a total flash. i know there was something slightly controversial that happened, but apparently it wasn't that important or i would remember what it was. oh well, i guess it didn't affect my world that much.

i was feeling very impatient the other day, but i am better now. as you know, i've been trying to take better care of myself, but last week i was totally slacking. i think that had something to do with it.
i've been doing much better this week. i've been dragging my sorry butt out of bed EVERY morning to work out. i think i'm doing pretty ok with it. i do crunches, push-ups, squats, lunges and some ballet type stretching.
all i can say is WOW, i feel so incredible by the time i get to work. i hate getting up early, because i'm so not a morning person. but this really seems to be working for me. i'm in a better almost contagiously mood for the rest of the day.

...just thought you should know :)

in other news: i had lunch with sd today. it was nice. tonight i'm supposed to go meet some friends for drinks and some live music(not a band i've seen before). so that should be fun. i'm not really sure what else i'll be doing this weekend, but i'll keep ya posted...

Monday, January 18, 2010

floating around without an anchor

so lately, esp within the last week or so, i've been carrying around these feelings of discontent. i think i've been doing really well about cutting the drama out of my life. that leaves me with a lot more time on my hands. time means i think, way too much. time also means that i have too much energy for my own good. all this nervous energy also means, that i have yet again the attention span of a goldfish.
so here i am with time and energy and nothing to do with it, but so many things to do. so many things that need attention, but are hard to finish because every other thing catches my attention. it's like i'm floating around without an anchor. nothing to ground me. this doesn't seem to be a good thing for me.
i seem to have experienced every raw, intense, negative, sad, frustrating emotion in the last few days. i don't get it, i really don't. i'm supposed to be happier and calmer with this new way of doing things, but i'm just all over the place.
something has shifted, i actually know what it is. i've gotten to a point where i'm kinda lonely. scattered attention from people and talking to friends can only fulfill so much. it's that whole anchor thing. with nothing to ground me, i kinda feel out of control in a way. i know this will pass, but it's kinda annoying.
i feel like i have to stay in and at home, because i don't want to get myself in trouble. and we all know how easy it is for me to find trouble. so in essence i've become a bit of a hermit. it's not so bad, but it's still lonely. *sigh* i wish i could find some kind of happy medium of sorts.

i've been flipping back and forth writing this post and doing a million other things and i just don't seem to have the patience for anything. wtf. what is wrong with me today?! grrrr...

oh well. more later i guess

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


ok, so i had this whole post about loneliness and companionship floating around in my head last night. i may still post it later...

BUT, i realized this morning that i'm having an allergic reaction to something. ugh!! i don't know what though... i think i would have known sooner if it hadn't been for this totally f*ed up weather that we've been having.
i've chocked up the dry skin and eyes and the weird sinuses and all the other weirdness to the whacked out weather. my eyes are burning today. so now i get to deconstruct my diet for the last week to try and figure it out.
FUN!! just what i wanted to do today. not to mention how fun it's going to be to operate on antihistamines. this sucks a*!!

p.s. taking benadryl while drinking red bull = not my best idea ever

Monday, January 11, 2010

so random and the alpha male

random fact 1: i thought this pic was so pretty, so i totally boosted it from a friend. i know he wont mind me posting it though.

random fact 2: i'm trying to take more time for myself away from being online. apparently, i spend way too much of my life online these days.

random fact 3: i've been baking a lot and totally loving it. thought you should know...

random fact 4: i'm really trying to get it together today, but i just can't seem to get my head on straight.

random fact 5: i totally have fr on the brain. it's good. it's confusing. it's... it just is.

i saw fr this weekend. his band played a show on friday night in the next town over. i had a lot of fun :)

we got into this conversation about people around us and the hierarchy. i'm starting to understand it all now. i mean i understood it before, but not really where i myself fit into my own group, i guess. i do see how certain personalities are attracted to others, simply based on their status in their own social circle. it's very interesting.
it seems to me( and this is just an observation) that most females are attracted to the alpha male in some way shape or form (friendship or otherwise). it just all seems to be about status and validation.
the feminist movement tries to void those rules, but our society still judges us by them. i see it in myself. while, i am independent and head strong, i see myself looking for validation from a partner.
i have friends that joke about a class-action suite against disney, because we all grew up wanting to have some male figure sweep us off our feet. alas, that's not really the way it works. but that gets me thinking... how does it work? there are so many men and women out there that are happy in their relationships. is that wholly attainable by all? or is that only for some? and what makes a good relationship?
i have good friendships with men and women. some are rigidly structured and others are non-structured, completely not what you would consider a traditional relationship.
examples: me and mg, totally traditional. best friends since we were 12. me and wb, traditional. almost big brother little sister. me and rt, traditional. she's my girl, one of my besties. me and fr, non traditional. we are how we are and we do what we want. free flowing in a way.
make sense?
more later

Monday, January 4, 2010

playing kickball... DUH!

ugh. today has been trying....
*sigh* i'm so trying to chill the h* out. i am so over it with bh and his newest ex-wife. geeze, they've been wearing me out today. and now, i'm done. just done. *cleansing breath in and out* i've been so stressed that my jaw actually hurts.

this is what i was talking about when i said i was clearing the deck. i'm cutting off all contact with anyone who brings me drama. i just don't need the stress. i deserve to be treated better by the people that i choose to interact with.

in other news: this last weekend was a solid 'good' weekend. i mostly hung out at the house with the kidlets. saturday, i took the kidlets to see cloudy with a chance of meatballs. they loved it so much. the girl sat in my lap the whole time. i was amazed, she usually wont sit still for that long.

sunday was a pretty relaxing day. the kidlets and i listened to a podcast from church since it was SO cold. have i told you how much i hate cold weather?? yeah, it was freakin freezing...
i'm so loving this mommy thing! esp because the girl is finally old enough to really interact with everyone. i love how she learns new things all the time. we have so much fun. we actually played kickball in the kitchen :) and we didn't even break anything. that's what the extra space is for, right?

Friday, January 1, 2010

in the new year

i should be folding laundry, but i'm taking a break from cleaning for a bit. this morning i woke up and decided to go on a rampage though my apartment. i'm weeding through everything and de-cluttering. in a way i'm doing this throughout my life, not just my apartment. i'm clearing the deck so to speak.

i have learned so much this past year. i def see thing differently than i did. i've met some great friends and some not so great 'friends'. i've learned a lot about myself and about human nature. i am still learning and growing.
this new year is the start of a new decade. i would like to believe 09 was just the left over crap from the last one. i've decided not to make any resolutions, because they are so hard to stick to.
however, i have decided to make a commitment to myself. i am going to treat myself better. i have made a conscious decision to be my biggest fan. the way i see it, if i don't love myself, then who else will.