gummy bears in his cupboard

anyone know where i can find this bikini?

yes, i know, i'm a nerd. but wouldn't it be fun for halloween this year?!

anywho, time to take care of a little business around here... remember that wonderful guy that i told you about? well, things are looking up, i suppose. up enough that i needed to figure out what to call him on this here blog.
and me with no imagination for names, i just went ahead and asked him. i did give him a few options, but he didn't want me to call him the pool boy (even though he looks fantastic without his shirt on... heh...)
he decided that he likes 'gator boy'. it makes sense. he has a master's degree in engineering from the university of florida. their mascot is the gator. he's also an officer in the air force. fun, right?


so i've had a couple of you asking me what's going on. tbh, i'm not exactly sure. we've been talking here and there and decided to go have dinner friday night.
i spent most of my day in major anxiety mode, tears and all. 4 miles on the elliptical, a hot shower and even an antihistamine didn't help. the not knowing what to expect and the realization that i'll not ever be ok with a 'just casual' relationship with him really got to me. it's funny how love or the possibility of love affects us.

we had talked about doing a couple of different things, but couldn't quite get it together until after i got to his place. btw, that's usually what we do, i meet him at his place and we go from there.
we ended up going to one of the nicer restaurants in his town. it was such a cute little place and we even got a table toward the back. we talked and joked. it was nice.
we went back to his place and watched a movie and he fed me gummy bears. i adore that he keeps gummy bears in his cupboard for when i visit. we had a lovely night. i know where all that anxiety came from, but it all melted away by halfway through dinner.
he also talked me into staying.
he took me to breakfast the next morning before i headed home, as he should. we have a little place that we like. they have really good coffee.

sigh.

well, i still don't really know what all is going on, but i do think that he needed some time to get his head on straight. i don't think he's done with that yet, but i'm gonna do my best not to stress over it anymore. i have to try to remember that i have no control of what happens, only how i react to it.

here's wishing you all a gorgeous week and blowing you big wet kisses!

moments of bliss

we find rest in those we love, and provide a resting place in ourselves for those who love us ~saint bernard of clairaux

this weekend has been one of great memories. but i have to say, yesterday was one of my favorite days!

it seems like it started in dreams and soft kisses.

warm embraces and pretty little secrets.

silky whispers and moments of bliss.

it ended much the same.

the day was spent with the truest of friends and the wonder and innocence of children.

my heart is so full.

love in any form is amazing!

interesting

the quote of the weekend: i'm gonna go. give me a high five or you can lick me here. *lifts up shirt*

i've been giggling about it all day!

life is interesting sometimes.

(to clarify: that was said to me, not by me... hehe...)

why don't i blog more?

i was texting with co today and you know what she said? "i blogged today :) why aren't you???" and ya know, i didn't really have a good answer for that. she got the standard answer of "well, it's been hit and miss since last summer"

i got to thinking about it, why don't i blog more? idk *shrugs* i guess part of it is not knowing what to say. things get so jumbled in my head sometimes that they don't come out the way that i intend them to. i know another part of it, is that on some level i've become more of a private person. it's hard to know who to trust and who will take the things that i say and twist them. also, i'm not a fan of people who talk about me behind my back while lying to my face. yes, my lovelies, these kinds of people exist in my life. shocking, right?!

i have no patience for THOSE type of people, they make me twitchy. and 'twitchy me' isn't nice. i can't say that i have that much of a temper. but once the kettle boils over, you better watch out.

so i guess that's why.

anywho, i've been having a string of weird, but mostly wonderful weekends. so that's a huge plus! i've had a lot of great times with wonderful friends. and while sometimes i think they're evil for MAKING me get outta the house, i love them dearly for it. the life of a hermit, while appealing, is not exactly healthy for me.

in other news: late night texts, phone calls and visits are in full effect! as well as the daytime version of the same :) it was nice being the one without the drama this weekend!

i'm working on it

being deeply loved by someone gives you strength, while loving someone deeply gives you courage. ~lao tzu

this quote apparently has been all over twitter and of course ended up on my facebook page...

i'm up way past my bedtime, but i'm watching my beautiful little girl sleep.

anywho, i was reading through these posts from when i took my little break.(i have 8 of them, by the way) one day when the dust has settled and cleared, i will post them. in these posts i talk about things that have happened that have had such an effect on me that they've in part changed the way that i think about life.

i was happy before. i mean, i've always been happy fundamentally, but i was really loving life. i want to get back to that. i'm working on it.

in other news: i had an amazing new years! this was the first time in 10yrs that i got to dress up and got to go out on the town. it was nice to put on a party dress and see what all the excitement was about.

in other other news: text messages and late night conversations happened...

remember that thing i said was over? well, it's kinda not. then again, it might be... idk. *sigh* there is much conversation that still needs to happen, but i know that i'm just not ready to close the door yet.

more on that later, i suppose.

about a girl

so let me tell you a story about a girl...

something bad happened to her. she met a guy that she thought was ok. they hung out. he met some of her friends, they thought he was a nice guy.

she went to his house to watch movies late one night. she dosed off...

she woke up in pain, with his hand around her throat. she told him to stop, but he wouldn't.

finally, he got up to go to the bathroom.

she left before he came back.

but now it's over

do you ever get sad for the things that you're missing based on the choices you've made?

so here's the thing...
i had another one of my awesome meltdowns this weekend. ya see, i've been kinda teetering on the edge of this one for a while. i've gone through these last few months the best way that i could. this back and forth thing with fr, starting a new job and there's the holidays.

all of these things live in little compartments in my head. i think they call it compartmentalizing. well, i've been compartmentalizing things for a long time. and i think i officially ran out of compartments.
i knew that i had to stop living my life like this a long time ago, but it wasn't that easy. i had meant to change things when i got back from vegas. i'd meant to stop seeing fr all together, but he made it harder than it needed to be.
over time we grew closer and then there was all this drama that he had going on. and i was given a lot of information very quickly. i see now that i probably should have bolted then. instead i accepted everything that he told me. everything.
what is truth and what is lies, i'll never really know. i could find out. h*, you can find anything out on the trusty interwebz these days.

there are so many things that i had to keep to myself. remember all those secrety secrets? well, i'm done keeping them. i can't do it anymore. i have too much on me and too much in my head not to write.

what is so sad is that i truly cared about this person. THIS was epic. it was the closest i've ever come to happiness in my life. it was so close and yet so far. it seems to have been an illusion now.

i'll always love him and care deeply for him, but now it's over.

lovesong

begin at the beginning and go till the end, then stop ~alice in wonderland

i had this whole post ready to publish that was about secrets and love, but i think i will save it for another day. today i am going to tell you about my weekend, like i used to.

friday was super fun! fr's show was canceled because of a scheduling mix up, so some of us got together and saw another cover band in the next town over.

late night + alcohol + awesome friends = great times!!

saturday was when things just kept getting better. the kidlets and i made a super yummy breakfast of ham and cheese omelets and biscuits and gravy. i love it when we have quiet mornings at home! we had a great afternoon at a friend's son's birthday/pool party.

saturday night i drove to bristol to see fr's band play. i love out of town gigs with them! they kicked a*!! they had new songs, including this one by the cure that i just adore!

and you know the best times are at the band house :)

my night and morning and day were wonderful and beautiful and sad. (we'll save the sad for later though) fr is amazing! just amazing...
once we were together, we occupied the same space as if that was the norm. it was US. if it hadn't been for certain things that i'll address later i would have been glowing like i was radioactive all the way home.

friday the 13th!

AAAAAAHHHH!!! it's freaky friday the 13th!!

don't get scared!

i'm not really superstitious... i just think it's funny what people put into days like this.

*sigh*

ok! i'm done... for now.

it's been a long week. hope you all have a fabulous weekend!!

now, can somebody please pour me something??

also, here's my fun song for the week... cherry lips by garbage!

juicy

a bird does not sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song ~lou holtz

are you singing on this lovely friday? 'cause i am!

geeze... where has this week gone?!

my mom arrived from california on wednesday night, so it's been a little crazy around here...
this weekend is gonna be a busy one for sure! cross your fingers that i don't pull all my hair out in the process.

so, i leave you with this!

hope you have a juicy 4th of july weekend!!

butterfly

listen to this!

butterfly by jason mraz

ok, now tell me that if someone sang that to you and only you when no one else is around, you wouldn't just melt right there in your seat! i tell you what... i almost did.

so much for putting distance between my heart and my head...
i tried! i really did!

this weekend was no less than AMAZING!

i love being spontaneous! and the 2 1/2 hour drive to an out of town gig, in georgia, was well worth it! ha! the things we do for love...

it's funny how the smallest things can tip the scales of our resolve. i thought that stepping back was the right thing to do, but now i feel like i'm being pulled in even more. i wanted to protect my heart, but it's just too late for that now. whatever happens i'll deal with, but with more faith in love.
i'm not going to say that i'm not absolutely terrified. but who's not afraid of losing their heart? who's not afraid of losing a part of themselves? i still need to work on the communication part of things, but i think i'm getting better at it. i think.

the hardest thing now, is the waiting. the proverbial 'detox' really sucks a* right now!! because the closer i seem to get to what i want, the more i want it... it's the uncertainty and 'in between' that is so hard to deal with sometimes.

seeking clarity

"well, i guess i'll have to cancel my sailboat ride to israel..." ~funny quote from a friend.
i know it's supposed to have to do with the current news, but i thought it was a funny thing to say.

today... today is monday. also, it's memorial day. i think we've already established that i hate mondays. mondays are usually when i try to get my head on straight about the weekend that i just had.

this weekend falls in the 'odd' category. *sigh* i'm kinda back to being conflicted about things. i see things. i do things. i want things.
i'm looking for something like a sign to tell me what direction to go in. i'm trying to figure out what is worth pursuing. and if it is worth pursuing, then what's the right way to do that? what path do i take?

recently i have been tested and on some level, i think i have more clarity concerning some things in my life. i know that i have lost focus for a bit. i'm trying to gain that back. i know that i am the only one that knows my wants and needs. and that i need to make them clear to all parties concerned, because how else are they going to know, unless i tell them?

anyway, happy memorial day!! don't forget to thank a vet :)

outside in the sunshine

today, i'm tired. like more tired than usual. i think i could have slept another 5 hours this morning instead of getting up.
this weekend was looooong, but not in a bad way. i just didn't get a lot of sleep, but that was mostly self inflicted. mostly.

friday night i went to fr's show. that was just a weird night. it ended good though, so yay for that!

saturday, i spent the day running around and shopping with the kidlets and my friends 15yr old daughter. that was def interesting. oh, to be 15 again...
saturday night was spent drinking wine and goofing off with rt. she's hilarious!

oh yeah, and yay for late night texting and phone calls before bed! those are the best :)

i spent sunday with the kidlets. it was so nice and relaxing. they played outside in the sunshine. i really think that all sundays should be like that.

also, i had some late night conversation that lasted til the wee hours of the morning. i think it was productive. *crosses fingers*

going swimming...

ok seriously?!?

i think i must have mommy brain today! i totally just had to get out the day planner to figure out what the h* i've been doing the last idk how many days...

ooooohhh...

i see what happened...

the boy stayed with his stepmother for the weekend. so friday was a quiet night at home. just me and the girl. in other words, i was in bed at a decent hour. yay sleep!!

saturday was when everything got a little crazy.

the girl and i had a great day! we spent part of it ransacking the kidlets room and getting some spring cleaning done.
in the afternoon we got our nails done and went shopping. she loves getting her nails painted at the nail shop, it's such a treat.

saturday night lb and i went to fr's show. i couldn't tell you how long it's been since lb and i have had an actually night out together.
we danced, we drank, and we even watched the lead singer do this lifeguard move to pull some random girl off of fr. i'm still laughing about that...

there were a few little hiccups in the night, but it ended with a smile :)

autopilot

The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it... ~Oscar Wilde

you ever have things happen in your life that mess with you so bad that you're almost consumed by it?? i might just be insane, but that's kinda how my brain is working lately. it's like i'm in this funk and i just can't quite shake it. so this week i have totally been on autopilot.

i am conflicted about so many things. mostly relationship shaped things, but also other things...

i really didn't think this would be so hard. i know what i want and i know what is good for me. so why then can they not be the same? or at least not the opposite? what's the alternative or compromise? where do we draw the line for right and wrong? at what point do we say that this is or isn't acceptable behavior?

friends tell me they've been there. i know some have. how can something that makes you happy be wrong? i'm happy, but frustrated. i know i'm being vague, but there are too many complications to write here. just too much involved. *sigh*

moving along...

last weekend was another solid good. these good weekends are becoming a steady thing for me, so yay for that!

thursday the kidlets and i grilled out with lb. one of our fav things to do! she just got a sweet new weber! i want one so bad... if only i had a deck or balcony of some kind.

friday the girl and i went and got our nails done. that's right, i'm starting her off young!

saturday i took the girl to chuck e cheese's. she loved it. it's amazing the fun a 3yr old can have with 5 bucks in tokens. it was a nice afternoon.

saturday night was um... well, that kinda has to do with my conflict. i went to bristol on an invite. i even stayed in the band house. i had an amazing time.

at the end of the day, the heart wants what it wants...

like a dang super ball

geeze o' pete!!

I. CANNOT. CONCENTRATE!!

idk what my problem is... i've gotten a ton of stuff accomplished at work, but my brain has been bouncing around like a dang super ball. i can't seem to get my thoughts and stuff in order.

i suppose it could be that my brain is stuck somewhere between last weekend and this coming weekend...

last weekend was just... WOW, just WOW!

friday i had dinner with one of my girlies. it was so good to see her and catch up. we used to go to church together years and years ago. good food, good conversation and a good glass of wine... my kind of night!
it didn't hurt that i was at home and in bed at a decent hour either. lately, it seems that i have a ton of energy during the day, but am insanely tired at night. not sure why... so yay for sleep!

this is the point in my post where i tilt my head slightly and giggle just a little bit...

so... yeah, text messages at 3am and 2 phone calls later... and i was making plans to go down to atlanta for the night, saturday night.

CRAZY! i know!!

i had actually talked myself out of it by 4pm saturday, because it was 3 hours one way and have i told you that i could seriously get lost in a paper bag? let alone atlanta, a city i'd never driven in.
i mentioned it to one of my girls. and POOF! we made plans at 7 and left my apt at 8. i still can't believe that we went. but hey, i've got pictures to prove it :)
we had so much fun! and the drive was def worth it...

smiling with...

i've been wondering around my apartment for the last hour trying to figure out why i hadn't posted earlier this week.

... and then it dawned on me. it was easter this last weekend. as you know, me and holidays don't get along so well right now. so i guess i was just trying to forget about it or something.
i mean, overall, it was a pretty good weekend. i did all the eastery stuff with the girl (easter dresses, church, nice lunch) and the boy stayed with his granny for the weekend. but i was only half into it.
the hardest thing for me was getting my mother off the phone. she called to see if the kidlets easter gifts had arrived and indeed they had. i hate having to tell her that i don't want to talk, but i know she understood.

moving on...

tuesday, i had a lovely surprise! i got flowers delivered to work... see?



remember my trip to vegas??

i've been emailing back and forth with one of the vm's dude's friends. (we'll call him ie for irish eyes) we just talk about life and what's going on around us. he tells me a lot about ireland and i tell him a lot about here. he's super nice and easy going. it's so cool to be corresponding with someone from another country!
well, he's the one who sent me the flowers, just to make me smile. how nice is that?

so far that has been the highlight of my week... not too shabby, huh :)

cuando, cuando, cuando

tell me when will you be mine
tell me cuando, cuando, cuando
we can share a love divine
please don't make me wait again...

ahhhhh.... listening to michael buble always makes me feel so zen. like i should be doing the samba or basking in the sun in a bikini with one of those fruity drinks with a little umbrella in it. *sigh*

it's spring! spring has finally sprung!! talk about mood weather... it's gorgeous outside. of course, i don't have any windows in my office, but that's beside the point. the promise of the beautiful weekend ahead has made me just a little antsy today...


oy! i can't believe it's already thursday! where has the week gone??

where to start... where to start...

i know this is a lil out of chronological order, but you love me. so you'll let me get away with it, right? right.

last weekend was another one of those solid kind of good weekends.
friday was great! i went to fr's show at a local sports bar with a couple of my girlies. we had so much fun! oh the trouble i could get into at that particular place... ha! they recently installed a stripper pole in another part of the building. that's all i'm gonna say about that *grins*


saturday was nice and relaxing until i got a phone call at 6pm from one of my friends, telling me that we were having a birthday dinner for another one of my friends at 7:30. and here i was half passed out on the couch.
shew! that got me kick started...

i had dinner (well, sangria at least) and chocolate cake at a mexican restaurant with the girls. i went from there to the same sports bar from friday to see another one of my friends bands play for a bit. THEN, went home and changed clothes.


me and one of the girls headed to the club. we were guests of dj. so VIP, no cover, and bottle service! it's good to be me sometimes!

we had a blast!

diving back in head first

i'm trying to get back into the swing of things here, but life keeps happening around me. i just want to tell life 'hey, can you hold on just a sec so i can get my head on straight'. but life, she's a funny thing, she just keeps on going. so here's to diving back in head first and hopefully not getting overwhelmed.

last week seemed to go by in a haze. (btw, jet lag sucks when you've got sh*t to do.) it seems like i wasn't even awake and coherent until friday. add caffeine to that and POOF! i turn into a goldfish.

friday was fun. i took the kidlets to a birthday party for rt's nephew. it took a min for them to warm up to everybody, but once the did, they had a blast. who doesn't love kids singing karaoke?? it was great!
of course we played trivial pursuit later that night too. and guess what?! I WON!! woot woot!! i love it when i win stuff! of course, i never win, so it was so much the sweeter :D

saturday was kind of a lazy day apart from the cleaning and insane amount of laundry that i got through. i still have so much more to do to truely be caught up.
saturday night i went to fr's show. i had so much fun. and i didn't drink too much. so yay for that!

hmm... sat down with fr again. we talked quite a bit about all sorts of things. positive things... i hope.

vegas baby!!

gorgeous sushi at shibuya inside the mgm grand. mmm... so good!

sorry it took me so long to post. i'm still trying to catch up IRL...

this has to be the craziest sh*t i've ever read as far as horoscopes go, esp considering the weekend i had in vegas:

weekly horoscope

For the Week of Mar 8th, 2010 -- Creating a fantasy experience can make Saturday a memorable day. Set aside whatever distractions you can to make the time and emotional space to open your heart and share love with an easygoing playmate. This isn't a time of commitment; it's an escape from daily life that's meant to heal wounds and inspire a newfound sense of innocence and hope.

i have to say that vegas was everything i hoped. my girlies were so much fun. my cousin(we'll call her vm) is hilarious and ws lost her mind, but we had way much fun!

thursday night i got there around midnight. i got the kidlets settled in with my mom and got the party started.

i'm not going to give the complete rundown here, because of course what happens in vegas...

BUT there was much alcohol. beautiful dinners. crazy clubs. great shopping. fun clothes. gambling at all hours... the list could go on and on.

the result is that i feel different/better about life. there is so much more to look forward to.

i made a few new friends while out there. vm had met someone in vegas more than a year ago and has been corresponding with him ever since. he met us out there with a couple of his friends. we all got along really well.
did i mention that my cousin's guy is from ireland. not just from there, but he actually lives there. i thought that was pretty d* cool that he thinks enough of vm to go all that way to spend a little time with her.
well, vm's guy invited her to go to ireland in the summer to visit. the coolest part is that she wants me to come with her.


OMG!! IRELAND!! i'm going to ireland! in the summer!!

i'm so freakin excited that i can't stand myself!