the pieces

*scoops up pieces of broken heart*
*hands them to you*
here, go put this somewhere. i don't want it anymore.

i can't seem to hide my brokenness from you, like i can everyone else. i don't understand it and i certainly don't like it.

you're everything that i would want for myself, but can never have.

the stupid

i am apparently very accomplished at making of the stupid.

so let me tell you what *I* did last night...

i was invited out by one of my girlies to go to a gay club with her and her boyfriend. now this, this was fun!
it's nice to not having to deal with guys hitting on you all night. because y'all know that i can't stand mr. grabbyhands, mr. letmetrytotakeyouhome or mr. let'sgooutintheparkinglot. instead it was being told how fun and fabulous i am all night.

when i was headed home,  it hit me like a brick to the face that EVERYONE either had someone to go home with or go home to. except me. i was going home by myself. that's what good girls do, right?

well, it hurt. it hurt that i was going home to an empty bed. it hurt and i cried.

i've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how many blankets or pillows you have. blankets and pillows don't know how to snuggle. and me? i'm a snuggler. i'm not the type to have to be wrapped around someone to sleep, i just like the security of knowing that they're there. i know! i'm such a girl!!

sigh. i have a habit of texting when i get home to let certain important people know that i made it home safely. which, i did.
i also have a tendency to text mg what seems to be all of my crazy, she's part of my "girlfriend network". that group of girls that i trust to tell me when i'm being stupid or to stop me from making that phone call or sending that text.
well, remember, i was upset and crying.
my tear-filled eyes did not register that i had just texted gb about being home safe. i stupidly thought i had touched mg's icon, when of course i hadn't. so what did i do? i sent gb a text about him TO him. stupid, stupid, stupid!

no wonder people worry about me sometimes! i obviously can't even operate a smart phone correctly. ugh.

so that encompasses my stupid for the week, i hope. if you need me, i'll be hiding under this rock.

i have my fingers crossed for all of you, that your week is not going as sideways as mine.

so random: strong

strong woman cry behind closed doors, fight battles that most are unaware of and judge themselves, not others.

random fact #1: i got my feelings hurt friday night; that's right, i'm not made of stone. instead of standing up for myself and making it known, i just went along like everything was fine. i just let it go. i didn't want to ruin things.
in a way though, maybe i AM ruining things. maybe allowing this person to think that i'm just ok with things the way that they are is doing myself a disservice. ugh. i'm sure that i'm probably just over thinking it and i'll be fine tomorrow. i'm just being oversensitive and letting my vulnerability show.

gotta work on that vulnerability thing.

random fact #2: i finally found myself a job. i'm pretty excited about it, like in a big way. i feel like i've been looking foreeeeeeever. finally i'll be able to get back with a more normal routine.

random fact #3: i've lost 11lbs since i moved here. crazy, right? well, i've been trying to take better care of myself. i'm so over the pain, the headaches, the random bruising and the blood pressure issues. so i started getting a lot more physical and eating cleaner. when you don't have people looking at you like you're insane for wanting to take better care of yourself, it's easy.
i stopped eating gluten all together and that seems to have had a positive affect on my digestion. yay for a happy tummy!
i now work out/walk/cardio at least 4-5 days a week. now this has made a HUGE difference. i feel stronger and happier and more alert. yay endorphins!!

random fact #4: i stopped drinking. that might fall under the losing weight thing, but i think it deserves to have it's own line/category. i don't have to drink to have a good time, i never have.
after giving it quite a bit of thought, i've realized that i have a tendency to use alcohol as something to make me forget or as an escape. i also use it to curb my anxiety. it's fun when it's a social lubricant, but only in moderation.

i also want to be supportive of others around me that have stopped drinking recently.

random fact #5: gator boy and i watched the tennessee vs. florida game together today. we went to a sports bar in town and ate bar food. it was a great time! i missed having someone to do stuff like that with.
living in tennessee, i never lacked for company or someone to go do something with. not that i do now, but i prefer the company of gb over most others. some days gb and mg are the only 2 people in the world that i want to hear from, aside from the kidlets of course.

so that's it for me, for now.

it's funny; before, on a saturday night after a game, i would be somewhere in something short and great shoes listening to live music. now, i'm at home in pajama pants and monkey slippers (still great shoes) listening to pandora. it seems like it was another world sometimes, but we can reminisce about life another day.

sending you big hugs and dreams of butterflies!

warm blooded american female

welp, i hate dating.

i figured i'd let you know, just in case you didn't already know that about me. here i finally go and tell you about this wonderful guy that i've met and less than 2 weeks later he's confused/scared/catching feelings/whatever. sigh. this is stupid. trusting someone to love you properly is one of the hardest things to do. and it's even harder to not beat yourself up over it when it all turns to sh*t.

i want what any warm blooded american female wants, to be loved, to have a solid family life, to have a best friend and someone to share my future with. and really?! who doesn't want to go to sleep and wake up with someone that you love and who loves you in return??

sigh.

i'm not mad at him or anything like that. i just don't know what to do with myself right now. do i wait it out? or do i move on? *shrug* guess i'll try to take my own advice and give it some time.

be-longing

the trouble with being a chameleon is that though you can fit in anywhere, you never know where you truly belong.

reality is hard.

i'm ready for things to start settling down. too many things are happening all at once. you would think that i would feel more settled now that i'm here with family, but most of the time it's the opposite.

as time goes by i feel even more like a high flying acrobat without a net. i suppose it's insecurity in myself or the things going on around me. in a way, i want to retreat. but retreat back to what? there is nothing anywhere else to go back to.

i still have the uncanny ability to put myself in some of the stupidest situations. though, sometimes i tend to think that maybe i'm just overreaching with my heart.
either way, stupid.

i know some of this sounds a bit enigmatic, but it's all still tangled like old shoelaces. there's been old friends, a funeral, airplanes, hospitals, arguments, not enough music and way to much alcohol. and love, there's been love, but even that is confusing and complicated.

i will be happy when things start making more sense.

(no metaphors were hurt in the writing of this post)

those things were real

why? just why?

why does this have to hurt so much?

why does missing someone have to hurt?

tonight, i cry.

tonight, i have pain and can't eat. why is this? what makes tonight any different than any other night in the last 6 weeks? is it the moon? is it some other factor?

maybe it's that i've had so much on my plate, that as i clear these things it makes more time for my gears to turn about things that i would rather forget...

yes, i said forget.

it's easier to try and forget than it is to try and make sense.

the day to day things, they make sense. it's the other things that lie under the surface that don't.

sometimes i feel like i'm losing my mind.

but then, i go back and read and know that that's not the case.

those memories really happened. those words were really said. those emotions were really felt. those things were real.

in the end, no matter how we try to fill the void, it's still a void.

i've been hearing pretty words, but from the wrong people. for some reason, that hurts more than not hearing them at all.

maybe i've stepped to far outside of my comfort zone too fast...

i've moved and i'm starting a new job monday morning, but i find myself longing for those other things that have been somewhat of a constant in my life for so long. that's not wrong is it?

*sigh*

losing

everybody needs a bright spot in all this dark, and when the light gets dim is when it's time to focus ♥

*sigh*

i'm hanging over a cliff by nothing but my fingernails and even they are starting to crack and slip. i am weak. there is a crack down the middle.

i know you can't, but i wish you could come sit with me. kiss me on the forehead. whisper in my ear. tell me everything is ok. hold me til the sun comes up.

going swimming...

ok seriously?!?

i think i must have mommy brain today! i totally just had to get out the day planner to figure out what the h* i've been doing the last idk how many days...

ooooohhh...

i see what happened...

the boy stayed with his stepmother for the weekend. so friday was a quiet night at home. just me and the girl. in other words, i was in bed at a decent hour. yay sleep!!

saturday was when everything got a little crazy.

the girl and i had a great day! we spent part of it ransacking the kidlets room and getting some spring cleaning done.
in the afternoon we got our nails done and went shopping. she loves getting her nails painted at the nail shop, it's such a treat.

saturday night lb and i went to fr's show. i couldn't tell you how long it's been since lb and i have had an actually night out together.
we danced, we drank, and we even watched the lead singer do this lifeguard move to pull some random girl off of fr. i'm still laughing about that...

there were a few little hiccups in the night, but it ended with a smile :)

grin and bear it

...i may not have the softest touch, i may not say the words as such and though i may not look like much i'm yours... ~the script

ok, so here it is... this post is where i bear my soul. it's a potential blog killer, but whatever i have to get it all out.

i love. (imagine that!) yes, i love.

how do i explain this? i'm stupid nuts about a guy. i'm always hesitant to post anything that could be considered as TMI here. but if you know me then you know who it is. we've had some good time, bad times, crazy times(mostly me crazy) and we've had some omgsoamazing times.

this man is my weakness.

things between us seem so complicated some time, but really they're not. there is nothing complicated about loving someone. it's the reality part of life that can be complicated.
i walk around with my 'game face' on like a mask. it's not that i want to hide how i feel. it's that i'm afraid of the rejection. there's a lot of potential to get hurt, when you give yourself(your heart) to someone.
this is what i've been so conflicted about. i've been spending a lot more time with him recently. and it's been wonderful. but our time is usually limited. what's hard for me is that i want more. more time, more of him, more of it all.
i want to tell him all of these things, but reality gets in the way. reality is kind of a bitch right now.

this is hard! i'm supposed to be the rock. everyone comes to me with their issues. but who do i go to? there are only a few of my friends that actually know it all.
so the question of the hour is this: do i keep this to myself and potentially let him slip away? or do i say where i am?

i need a hug... or something

homesick, home sick, sick for home... *sigh*

i'm def sad and sick and still so OMG about this whole situation.

"And that's what adulthood is: you wake from the nightmare and realize there's no bigger bed to climb into." ~john mayer via twitter

huh...

my weekend was so odd. things were calm and good, then they were bad and i was yelling. by the end of it i'd made a complete a** of myself and lost my phone. oh and rt told fr to stay away from me. (i have hearts for her for doing that) she's the kind of friend a girl needs.
did anyone else know that his ex had moved back into his house with him?? in october?! cause i didn't until he told me last week. that was def my big FML moment for the year.

thankyouverymuch

i think i'm at that point that you get to where things are just so wrong that you just want to go home to mommy. i need right now, not anything in particular, just need.

things pop up

so my subconscious.... yeah, she's a b*tch. apparently, when i drink too much things pop up that i just don't expect.

friday was bad! it was just bad! i had the mother of all stupid girl moments. not only was it a stupid girl moment, but it was a drunken stupid girl moment... in public. *sigh* this is just something that CANNOT happen again.
i was so stupid and went to fr's show on friday. i didn't want to go, but i still talked myself into it. it was just supposed to be closure. that's what i needed. instead it was me drinking too much and acting badly. what's worse is that i didn't even know i was feeling that way. wtf

i'm not sure if he's mad at me or anything at this point. we're supposed to talk in a few days. gah! i feel horrible.

more later