secrets

secrets, secrets, secrets... blah!

at what point does someone else's secret become yours? at what point do you say "look, i can't do this all by myself"? the worry, the frustration, the pressure to act like everything is fine...

this sh*t is hard!

everything is not fine! i am NOT ok! i am worried sick and stressed to the max. the person that i am wants to make it better or at least easier.

*sigh*

three little words

I LOVE YOU

those three little words can make you fly like a butterfly or they can make your world come crashing down around you. sometimes they can do both at the same time. we long to hear them spoken sincerely. and yet are so terrified of what they could mean and what they could change.

i hear you say them and i wake up and my consciousness tingles with excitement. you, who tried to push me away, tear down every wall i've built.

monday minute: what if...

so i'm kinda liking this monday minute business. it's giving me a chance to address different things that i would probably never think to mention. here it is again...



1.who is your "what-if" person?
(What-if person being what if I married this person or am now in a relationship with "this" person)
what if, what if, what if... i guess i can't really choose a specific person. i've had a few relationships that i could say "what if i was still with so-and-so?" but looking back at my life i think more along the lines of "what if i didn't continue that relationship?"

2. what is your nickname?
hmm... other than people calling me babe or mama, i hear 'mommy' all the time. some days i love to hear it and other days i want to change my name. but i think every mom goes through that sooner or later.

3. if you could choose how you would died, how would you like to die?
warm in my bed when i'm old a gray. after i've lived my life and told my stories.

4. if you could have named yourself, which name would you have picked?
probably catherine or samantha, i always liked those names, and everyone always spells mine wrong.

5. who were you named after or for what reason did your parents choose your name?
i wasn't named after anyone, but i was almost named after both of my grandmothers. so my name would have been sarah tiffany. i know tiffany isn't a traditional name, really, but my grandmother's name on my dad's side is epiphania(tiffany in english).

for a monday 'minute', this sure took me a lot longer than a minute to answer today... geeze... where's my focus?! has anybody seen it??


thanks to our host ian at the daily dose of reality!

even in pictures, apparently

huh... well, i had a whole post formulating in my head this morning, but then i read this and then pretty much LOST IT... like full on panic attack/i think i'm gonna puke... LOST IT!

i have a completely irrational fear of snakes. completely. irrational. fear. so in my neuroses, just the sight (even in pictures, apparently) sends me over the edge and my whole body rebels on me. why? idk... i have no f*ing clue why something like a simple picture can have such a profound effect on me.

crazy much?! why, yes and thank you for noticing... ugh!

so now i've snarfed down cookies and donut holes thinking that it would settle my stomach and... yeah... now i'm gonna feel like puking for the rest of the day. yay me!

now, don't get me wrong... i [heart] A Vapid Blonde! she makes me giggle, often. so if you get a chance to drop in, tell her cali sent you and blow her some big wet kisses from me k :)

*DEEP BREATHE*

shew! i think i feel better now... though still a little light headed...

monday minute: still anonymous

ok, so i decided i'd try something new... mostly because it's NEW, and who doesn't love new stuff?! and also, because the button has yoda on it, so have i must!



what's your real name? sorry cats and dolls, as this is an anonymous blog, that would kinda defeat the purpose, ya know. BUT you can call me cali :)

have you ever fabricated a story or anything on your blog? nope, that's just not my style. everything you read here is real.

when in the car do you listen to the radio/CDs/ipod etc? it depends on what cds are accessible and if i can find anything GOOD on the radio.

describe the 'sexist' item of clothing you own. hmm... that's a good one. i'd have to say this chinese dress that my mom(of all people) bought me. it's silk brocade with a mandarin collar and it goes down to my ankles, but the slit up the side goes almost up to my hip. ooh la la!

would you be willing to breastfeed your friend's three year old child? ha! NO... for a few reasons. a) hello! it's not my kid. b) 3year olds have teeth and c) by age 1 children should be drinking from cups and eating real food.


thanks to our lovely co-host michelle! you can find her at mommy loves stilettos.

so random: frustration

ok... there has been way too much crap this week. when i say crap i don't mean 'stuff', i mean 'dookie'. and so, i am beyond frustrated with pretty much everything right now...

random fact #1: i had a really good talk last weekend and was pretty much glowing from it. now i know more and understand more. this is good and it's bad. the frustrating part is the non-communication since then. *sigh* all in time i guess...

also, this is why my facebook status says: sometimes in life, you can't say some things out loud... SEND HINTS!!

random fact #2: my son's dad got back from iraq last weekend. so the boy has been with him since monday afternoon. i've been pretty angry with him for not making any kind of effort to contact the boy while away. i'm really hoping that he makes it up to him now that he's back.

random fact #3: i had a fender bender on wed morning on the way to work. it wasn't my fault, but the cop was still a total d* about it. i guess i have a negative effect on female cops... ugh!

random fact #4: it's getting to be high time that i start making some more decisions in my life. grrr... but i don't want to be a responsible adult right now. i know! waaaahhh...

random fact #5: apparently, i'm getting really good at making hot chocolate come out of my nose. thought you should know, it kinda hurts.

anywho, hope you all have a great weekend! at this point, anything is an improvement on this craptastic week...

the rock

hello my lovelies!

so sorry for getting all emo on you there. when bad s* happens i have a tendency to sink into the 'lost little girl' part of my psyche. so i lost it for a minute.
thanks for sticking with me. if i could hug you all, then i would squeeze you tight and give you a big wet kiss on the cheek.
i [heart] you bunches!

it took me a second to realize what i was doing. this is not about me. it's about some one i love. so now i'm putting on my big girl panties and dealing with it the best i can. i'm not going to tell you that i'm ok, because that would be lying, but i will be. promise.

now is the time for me to be the rock. i am strong and i love unconditionally. period.

losing

everybody needs a bright spot in all this dark, and when the light gets dim is when it's time to focus ♥

*sigh*

i'm hanging over a cliff by nothing but my fingernails and even they are starting to crack and slip. i am weak. there is a crack down the middle.

i know you can't, but i wish you could come sit with me. kiss me on the forehead. whisper in my ear. tell me everything is ok. hold me til the sun comes up.

juicy

a bird does not sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song ~lou holtz

are you singing on this lovely friday? 'cause i am!

geeze... where has this week gone?!

my mom arrived from california on wednesday night, so it's been a little crazy around here...
this weekend is gonna be a busy one for sure! cross your fingers that i don't pull all my hair out in the process.

so, i leave you with this!

hope you have a juicy 4th of july weekend!!