Monday, October 22, 2012

under a blanket

i can be sad about my birthday, right?

this is my last night as a 30yr old and i'm spending it on the couch under a blanket with a bowl of homemade chicken noodle soup. i think i'm doing it right, but i just wish that i wasn't doing it alone.

maybe tomorrow i'll treat myself to a soy latte at starbuck's.
happy birthday me.

Friday, October 5, 2012

the pieces

*scoops up pieces of broken heart*
*hands them to you*
here, go put this somewhere. i don't want it anymore.

i can't seem to hide my brokenness from you, like i can everyone else. i don't understand it and i certainly don't like it.

you're everything that i would want for myself, but can never have.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

the stupid

i am apparently very accomplished at making of the stupid.

so let me tell you what *I* did last night...

i was invited out by one of my girlies to go to a gay club with her and her boyfriend. now this, this was fun!
it's nice to not having to deal with guys hitting on you all night. because y'all know that i can't stand mr. grabbyhands, mr. letmetrytotakeyouhome or mr. let'sgooutintheparkinglot. instead it was being told how fun and fabulous i am all night.

when i was headed home,  it hit me like a brick to the face that EVERYONE either had someone to go home with or go home to. except me. i was going home by myself. that's what good girls do, right?

well, it hurt. it hurt that i was going home to an empty bed. it hurt and i cried.

i've come to the conclusion that it doesn't matter how many blankets or pillows you have. blankets and pillows don't know how to snuggle. and me? i'm a snuggler. i'm not the type to have to be wrapped around someone to sleep, i just like the security of knowing that they're there. i know! i'm such a girl!!

sigh. i have a habit of texting when i get home to let certain important people know that i made it home safely. which, i did.
i also have a tendency to text mg what seems to be all of my crazy, she's part of my "girlfriend network". that group of girls that i trust to tell me when i'm being stupid or to stop me from making that phone call or sending that text.
well, remember, i was upset and crying.
my tear-filled eyes did not register that i had just texted gb about being home safe. i stupidly thought i had touched mg's icon, when of course i hadn't. so what did i do? i sent gb a text about him TO him. stupid, stupid, stupid!

no wonder people worry about me sometimes! i obviously can't even operate a smart phone correctly. ugh.

so that encompasses my stupid for the week, i hope. if you need me, i'll be hiding under this rock.

i have my fingers crossed for all of you, that your week is not going as sideways as mine.

Tuesday, October 2, 2012

but we do it

"you know that place between sleep and awake? that place where you still remember dreaming? that's where i'll always love you... peter pan. that's where i'll be waiting."

you can think that someone is so wonderful and amazing that you don't want to face them in your dreams, right?  i'm pretty sure that's why i didn't sleep last night. i was afraid.

accepting others' decisions isn't always easy, but we do it.  we do it, because we love them.

some people never understand what it is to truly love someone. it's giving without expectation. it's putting their needs and wants before your own. it's the need to protect them from the sad things in the world.
now, i'm not entirely selfless. i still have my bouts of jealousy, of anger, of confusion, of fear. i'm selfish and far from indestructible. but that doesn't mean that i stop loving.

i'm blessed to have the people that i have in my life. some are close, some are far away. i love them. that doesn't make me weak or broken. that makes me strong and confident. that makes me kind and tender. that makes me brave.

that twinkle in my eye? that's love, that's hope, that's knowing what i'm capable of. that's excitement for this adventure.

i'm still learning and growing. i like that about me.

Monday, October 1, 2012

wanting and having

"or you can come home"     a very sweet man said that to me today.


it had not occurred to me to turn around and go back to tennessee at this point. i know i'm still needed here. my grandma is still in hospice and my mother is getting ready to go out of the country for a couple of weeks.

life seems to always be full of decisions, decisions, decisions. where there is love, there is not a life to live; where there is a life, there is nothing more than a strong affection. i think i was happy to leave those types of decisions behind me. though, i suppose, by coming here i made a decision to accept being alone.
i believe i still struggle with that one.

i can want and wish and hope, but it seems that wanting and having never seem to overlap. though, lately they have gotten awfully close.

oh! a piece of happy news:

mg is getting married. i couldn't be more excited for her! her fiance is so good to her and her daughter. she deserves so much happiness!