unconditional

visited grandma and grandpa yesterday. breaks my heart every time. if you're lucky enough to find someone to LOVE you unconditionally, scoop them up and hold on tight with both hands and never take that love for granted ♥

wanting and having

"or you can come home"     a very sweet man said that to me today.

hmm...

it had not occurred to me to turn around and go back to tennessee at this point. i know i'm still needed here. my grandma is still in hospice and my mother is getting ready to go out of the country for a couple of weeks.

life seems to always be full of decisions, decisions, decisions. where there is love, there is not a life to live; where there is a life, there is nothing more than a strong affection. i think i was happy to leave those types of decisions behind me. though, i suppose, by coming here i made a decision to accept being alone.
i believe i still struggle with that one.

i can want and wish and hope, but it seems that wanting and having never seem to overlap. though, lately they have gotten awfully close.


oh! a piece of happy news:

mg is getting married. i couldn't be more excited for her! her fiance is so good to her and her daughter. she deserves so much happiness!

be-longing

the trouble with being a chameleon is that though you can fit in anywhere, you never know where you truly belong.

reality is hard.

i'm ready for things to start settling down. too many things are happening all at once. you would think that i would feel more settled now that i'm here with family, but most of the time it's the opposite.

as time goes by i feel even more like a high flying acrobat without a net. i suppose it's insecurity in myself or the things going on around me. in a way, i want to retreat. but retreat back to what? there is nothing anywhere else to go back to.

i still have the uncanny ability to put myself in some of the stupidest situations. though, sometimes i tend to think that maybe i'm just overreaching with my heart.
either way, stupid.

i know some of this sounds a bit enigmatic, but it's all still tangled like old shoelaces. there's been old friends, a funeral, airplanes, hospitals, arguments, not enough music and way to much alcohol. and love, there's been love, but even that is confusing and complicated.

i will be happy when things start making more sense.

(no metaphors were hurt in the writing of this post)

new adventures

hey kids! i'm back.

i've had some growing up to do, i suppose.

i've had some heart break to put behind me as well.

because of family obligations, i'm in california. i'm not sure for how long. while i am here, i am HERE. maybe this is a new start on a new life or it could be just a fresh perspective on the life that i so long ago left behind. i guess we'll just have to wait and see.

cheers to new adventures!

this positive feeling

the course of true love never did run smooth ~ william shakespeare

i had every intention of making this post into a 'so random', but then started my media player and decided against it.

things have been rough the last few months, but i truly feel like they are starting to get better. this positive feeling is due to a lot of things.

i started a new job last week. i don't know if i had realized that i had even applied for it. i got called on monday to interview tuesday and was offered the job within the first 10min of the interview. it was crazy. they told me that i had all of the qualifications that they had been looking for. i filled out paper work that wednesday and started training that thursday. that's it. and i totally love my job and the people that i work with!

in other news: i finally got my car back today after having to have extensive work done to it. it turns out that someone had been siphoning gas out of my gas tank and had messed up the fuel pump. and that was just a week after getting it back from having the power steering pump and a bunch of other stuff replaced.

in other other news: my mom is coming to visit next month for like a week. i'm so excited about that. i haven't seen her since she was here last summer.

i've been incredibly home sick and have actually considered moving back home to california. i don't really know why now, but it's something that her and i are going to discuss when she's here.

the best part: my time with fr has become more consistent and meaningful lately. this makes me happy. i love it when we get to just talk and carry on about life.

oh, how that man makes me laugh... he's nothing less than amazing!

*dreamy grin* i love it when he sings to me and sways with me :)

structure

*twirls in a circle* weeeeeeeeeeee!!

geeze... i don't know where to start.

it seems like there is so much going on and it's hard to keep up. but then, sometimes it seems like there is nothing going on and my mind wanders. i feel like i have no structure unless it's the weekend. the weekends have their own routine, but the rest really doesn't.

socially things are going swimmingly. it's been nice to have lunches with the girls and shopping and just general good times with good friends. i'm really starting to like this thing that my life is becoming since my horrid divorce.

i know i was going somewhere with that, but my mom just called and got me all side tracked. she does that sometimes.

we talked about life, mostly mine. also, we talked about my trip. i was planning on taking a trip to see her and the family and to hit vegas with my cousin while i was out that way.

well, after talking to my cousin, we've decided to put that on hold for a while. jobs, money and life are in the way right now. it's just not a good time to take a trip for either of us. and really, i'm not upset about it. there will be plenty of other chances to go another time.

plus, there are heart shaped things that i'm not willing to leave behind right now.

in other news: i'm taking better care of myself. i'm eating better and exercising more. the nice weather we've been having isn't hurting either. i am so happy to be able to go to my regular walking track.

in other other news: it's monday and i'm not on the verge of tears! yay!! monday hates me and usually makes it known. maybe we make this a trend? i think it def helps that i have things to look forward to this week :)

here's something kinda sexy, the color of day by remy shand. i hope you all have a stellar week!!

kinda pathetic...

i'm still here... kinda... *sigh*

i finally took a full day off of work last weekend and had a few minutes to prowl around and comment on a few blogs. woohoo! it was the highlight of my weekend...

wow! when i actually see those words, i realize how pathetic my life has become as of late. *sad face*

i'm trying my d*edest to keep it together. with all this anxiety, i'm actually surprised that i haven't have a major freak out yet.

on the upside i get to eat stuff like this, so yay for that!

this is the elk... it's beautiful, yes?

i know that i'm still off in la la land, but at least for now i'm eating well.

in other news: tomorrow is thanksgiving. i will be avoiding the phone. i hate to, but i don't like crying on holidays. and since i'm THIS homesick this year, it's just best that i not talk to any of my family until it's all over with.

hugs to you! i'm thankful for you all <3

happy thanksgiving!!

juicy

a bird does not sing because it has an answer, it sings because it has a song ~lou holtz

are you singing on this lovely friday? 'cause i am!

geeze... where has this week gone?!

my mom arrived from california on wednesday night, so it's been a little crazy around here...
this weekend is gonna be a busy one for sure! cross your fingers that i don't pull all my hair out in the process.

so, i leave you with this!

hope you have a juicy 4th of july weekend!!

my breaking point

deep breathe in... and out... deep breathe in... and out...

crying at work doesn't sound like a great idea right now, so i'm trying not to lose it today *sigh*

if any of you know me at all, then you know that the kidlets are the most important people in my life. i do everything that i can to protect them and shelter them from the whacked out sh*t that happens in life and the world in general. this is so hard sometimes...

yesterday was the girl's 4th birthday. we celebrated the way we usually celebrate birthdays in our house. mama cooks whatever you want including any kind of desert that you want and we have a quiet family day. so last night i made broccoli and beef for supper and we had strawberry banana shortcake for desert per the birthday girl's request.

we got half way through dessert, and my sweet girl started bawling. she couldn't understand why her father couldn't come to her 'birthday party'. my baby girl was hurting.

the heart of my heart had pain and sadness that i couldn't fix. i couldn't just kiss her booboo and make it all better. it was all i could do to not break down until the kidlets were in bed.

this sorry excuse for a human being called her to wish her a happy birthday earlier in the day. after being completely MIA for the last 2 months, he calls... OMG!! WTF!! are you f*cking kidding me?!?!
she didn't tell him she missed him or even that she loved him. no surprise there...

he's so selfish! he tried to sell me some line about how he felt like i thought it was a bad idea for him to see her anymore and it hurt his feelings. you're joking, right?! so because he got his 'feelings' hurt he just up and disappeared? because HIS feelings factor into what when it comes to what's right for my little girl??
no sh*t i don't think it's a good idea for him to see her! he's not stable and he wont stay on his meds. where is the draw here?? where's that thing within him that makes me want to trust him with my little girl?? i don't see it... do you??

needless to say, we had a pretty rough night. i don't even know how many times she woke up crying. i talked her into sleeping in my bed for a little while so i could hold her, but she still got up and roamed around.

i have never hated anyone in my life. but today, i know how it feels to hate. it makes me sick to my stomach. i am so angry!
i don't want to hate anybody. this is just beyond what i can handle. i have been pushed to my breaking point. so when i say i don't want to cry, it's angry tears i'm talking about.

one of THOSE days...

do you ever have those days where you just want to crawl under your desk and hide? well for me, yesterday was one of THOSE days...

i was feeling very vulnerable. i'd let down my guard for a minute and it kinda knocked me down a peg.

i know! i'm such a puss sometimes...

it took me a second to realize that there is strength in knowing your boundaries. and by god, i'm gonna push them as far as they'll go!

last night while doing the insomnia dance, i was reminded of how amazing my friends and family really are. they love me unconditionally. no matter what i do or how many times i stick my foot in my mouth, they're always there.

we all need that. we all need someone to love us unconditionally. it's good to have a shoulder to put your head on and arms to hold you when you need it.

smiling with...

i've been wondering around my apartment for the last hour trying to figure out why i hadn't posted earlier this week.

... and then it dawned on me. it was easter this last weekend. as you know, me and holidays don't get along so well right now. so i guess i was just trying to forget about it or something.
i mean, overall, it was a pretty good weekend. i did all the eastery stuff with the girl (easter dresses, church, nice lunch) and the boy stayed with his granny for the weekend. but i was only half into it.
the hardest thing for me was getting my mother off the phone. she called to see if the kidlets easter gifts had arrived and indeed they had. i hate having to tell her that i don't want to talk, but i know she understood.

moving on...

tuesday, i had a lovely surprise! i got flowers delivered to work... see?



remember my trip to vegas??

i've been emailing back and forth with one of the vm's dude's friends. (we'll call him ie for irish eyes) we just talk about life and what's going on around us. he tells me a lot about ireland and i tell him a lot about here. he's super nice and easy going. it's so cool to be corresponding with someone from another country!
well, he's the one who sent me the flowers, just to make me smile. how nice is that?

so far that has been the highlight of my week... not too shabby, huh :)

vegas baby!!

gorgeous sushi at shibuya inside the mgm grand. mmm... so good!

sorry it took me so long to post. i'm still trying to catch up IRL...

this has to be the craziest sh*t i've ever read as far as horoscopes go, esp considering the weekend i had in vegas:

weekly horoscope

For the Week of Mar 8th, 2010 -- Creating a fantasy experience can make Saturday a memorable day. Set aside whatever distractions you can to make the time and emotional space to open your heart and share love with an easygoing playmate. This isn't a time of commitment; it's an escape from daily life that's meant to heal wounds and inspire a newfound sense of innocence and hope.

i have to say that vegas was everything i hoped. my girlies were so much fun. my cousin(we'll call her vm) is hilarious and ws lost her mind, but we had way much fun!

thursday night i got there around midnight. i got the kidlets settled in with my mom and got the party started.

i'm not going to give the complete rundown here, because of course what happens in vegas...

BUT there was much alcohol. beautiful dinners. crazy clubs. great shopping. fun clothes. gambling at all hours... the list could go on and on.

the result is that i feel different/better about life. there is so much more to look forward to.

i made a few new friends while out there. vm had met someone in vegas more than a year ago and has been corresponding with him ever since. he met us out there with a couple of his friends. we all got along really well.
did i mention that my cousin's guy is from ireland. not just from there, but he actually lives there. i thought that was pretty d* cool that he thinks enough of vm to go all that way to spend a little time with her.
well, vm's guy invited her to go to ireland in the summer to visit. the coolest part is that she wants me to come with her.


OMG!! IRELAND!! i'm going to ireland! in the summer!!

i'm so freakin excited that i can't stand myself!

oh st valentine!

so yeah... valentine's day this year, was um.. weird/bad. weird because this is the first valentine's day in at least 10yrs that i didn't have an actual valentine. bad, because i spent the whole day and part of the next puking my brains out.

i still made sure that the kidlets had fun. we met one of my girlfriends and her daughter at this really great little diner called the creamery. their food is wonderful. it's all homemade diner type food. they even make their own ice dream. and their sweet potato fries are heavenly. the kidlets def enjoyed themselves.
me, i didn't get to eat, because of the my stomach's spectacular acrobatics. i did however, take my noms home and the kidlets ate that later, so it wasn't a total waste to go ahead and order, and at least look like i intended to eat.
i had wanted to take them shopping, but instead we laid around and watched movies all day. how many times can you watch transformers in one day without losing you mind? you ask... i have no idea. they loved it though and since i was already without said mind, it was fine.

green chicken chile kiles

i've been asked to post this a few times and had just never written it down. (still using paper @ work, btw) they are my fav 'go to' meal. i grew up on flavors like this, so to me chile kiles are a kind of comfort food.

my understanding of chile kiles is that they are super simple, just fried tortillas strips simmered in tomato sauce. they come together fast and easy. and as a single mom, fast and easy rule my kitchen most nights. (oh, that sounds so bad. lol) bonus for me, is that they taste a lot like enchilladas. i think i could eat my weight in enchilladas, so they are def FTW :)


green chicken chile kiles

ingredients:

10 corn torillas
1 10oz can green enchillada sauce
1 10 or 12oz can chicken (white or white and dark meat, your preference), drained
1 cup shredded sharp cheddar cheese
1 cup shredded monterey jack cheese
1/4 cup vegetable oil
seasoned salt

cut tortillas in half and then into 1in. strips
pan fry tortillas strips over medium heat until slightly crispy and golden
(try to only turn them once. mixing them around too much will make them break up and get mushy. when they're crispy, they'll stand up to stirring)
salt cooked tortilla strips in the pan
stir in chicken and enchillada sauce
spread cheese over top
heat over medium (without stirring) until bubbling and the cheese is melted.

serve with a green salad and refried or black beans.
if you like it spicier, you can always add some salsa verde or jalapenos when you add the sauce.


hope you enjoy them as much as i do. muy delicioso!


p.s. i would have pics to post, but i make this so often that i always forget to take any. i'll try to remember next time.

so random

i feel so random today. everything just seems kind of scattered. it's all rainy and ick outside today. i think that kinda messes with me sometimes. not in a depressing way, but it makes me feel caged or restless. i know i'm not the only one. the weather seems to have a funny effect on everyone.

i didn't realize all of this random stuff was going on, all at once, in my head right now. but here it is:

random fact 1: i am exhausted. yet i have less than the normal amount of caffeine in my system and am WIDE awake. and i'm in a pretty decent mood too. weird, right.

random fact 2: after reading saint tigerlily's post about pie crust, i want to make a pie. like a really good apple pie or maybe a peach cobbler. of course i so don't need to do this, because i'm trying to lose a few pounds and will end up eating the majority of said pie by myself.

random fact 3: i met someone new. of all things, he saw me on my friends facebook profile and asked about me. so she set it up.
i've been a lil apprehensive about posting anything about him here, not sure why. i've been out with him 6 times, so you would think i would get it together and say something, right. more about him later.

random fact 4: i have another doctors appointment coming up on the 7th. the closer it gets, the more nervous i get. it's the big one, where they check under the hood to make sure the cancer hasn't come back. they'll also be doing some other tests to make sure everything else has settled down. stupid body!

random fact 5: i'm dreading christmas. i didn't handle thanksgiving so well this year. it's not that i don't like it or anything like that. i love the holiday's. it's that i'm homesick and i miss my family. i was really bad and didn't call either set on thanksgiving, but in my defense nobody called me either. i guess i just didn't feel like crying on thanksgiving. is that so bad? can you tell i have guilt over it?

random fact 6: i haven't heard from fr in just over 2 weeks. i'm not sure what to think about that. it bothers me kinda. the last time i talked to him, he was drinking liquor. he's not really supposed to be doing that anymore. i worry about him.

random fact 7: i'm officially a brunette. think red brown like fergie, not brown black like dita von teese. i've had honey colored highlights for the last year or so. i'm just not sure what i think of it yet.

these are just a few things i've been thinking about.

upside down

today i'm all upside down... i have been for the last couple of days. there are a million little things running around in my head. it's like having bits and pieces of a puzzle, but not enough to see what the whole picture is yet. i hate that. i hate not knowing stuff, or worse, only knowing part of the story. yeesh...

in other news: my dad joined facebook today. weird.

pressure

i feel like i've been living under this weight the last couple of days. gah! what a relief to get that last post out of the way... sad, isn't it? it was great weekend. it was super awesome in fact, but dang, if i haven't retold that story enough times!
ok, now that i've got that out, i can get on with it. i know, complain, complain...

anywho, i have been all over the place the last couple days. thoughts, emotions, stresses, and a tinge of sad. not good things... well, some of them are, but i don't know what to do with them.
i'm sad that my mom had to leave already. i had such a great visit with her. usually, she stresses me out to an extreme.
you see, my mom likes control. she puts a lot of pressure on me to be that person that she idealizes in her head. i know she wants the best for me, but i have my own way of doing things and my own views about life. so yeah... me and her, we kinda butt heads.
this visit was different. it was for the most part without stress or pressure. i think it was easier, because i didn't put my life on hold for her visit. instead, i kinda dropped her in and let her see how it really is. i think she understands better who i am. wow! that's crazy isn't it??

the only thing that she pressured/questioned me about was sd. he had dinner with the group on friday night. it took my mom a minute to figure out who he was, but she's heard about him in the past. she couldn't understand why i don't date him. he's a great guy, stable, responsible, etc. plus! he bought me jewelry for my birthday....
i hate having to explain stuff like this to her, but i told her that he and i are friends only. while yes, he's great, he's just not for me. i like my independence and my 'freedom' and am not willing to give that up right now. i just don't have that 'thing', that connection with him that would make it worth it. period.

as for my thoughts and emotions that are giving me confusion, i'm still trying to formulate them. i'm not sure that i will write about them here. i may wait and post about them elsewhere. *wink*

birthday weekend 09

this weekend brought to you by no sleep, copious amounts of caffeine, and the letter "w" for woohoo!

this years celebrations were many. i ended up with less than 3 hours of sleep per night, but i truly had a blast! so much happened that i'm trying to figure out where to start. i guess i'll start with thursday...
thursday night was fun and mellow. the kidlets and i had a quiet dinner at a small upscale diner close to where we live. we loved it. it was a solid family night with good food and a milkshake and cookies for desert. i stayed up late that night waiting for my mom to get here from california. needless to say, that night started my weekend off with only 3 hours of sleep under my belt.

friday, we had cake at work and i had lunch with a friend. that night a big group of us went to dinner at a restaurant down by the river. it was a chilly night so we didn't get to sit out on the deck, but it was still a great time. i went with some of 'my crew' to a club across town and danced the night away. we were there until the club closed. it was sooo much fun!
i didn't get home that morning until around 8:30, because i ended up staying at a friend's house. i think i slept until a little after 10, so still not much sleep.

saturday was nice and relaxing. we had a late lunch at the little diner we ate at on thursday.we took our time and had ice cream and cookies for desert. it was one of those days that kinda give you the warm fuzzies. we all had a great time. just puttering around town and shopping.
saturday night, i went to 2 costume parties. the first one was thrown by one of my girls and the second one was a keg party that rt had been invited to. good times were had by all!
we ended the night by going to IHOP for breakfast. it's nice to sit and talk and wind down after a crazy night.
i even got a phone call from fr while we were waiting for our food. he was on his way back from playing a wedding in huntsville. *sigh* of course after that, i ended up taking my food home with me. i was in bed just after 5:30, but up by 8:30. thank god for red bull!!

sunday was a good day. my mom and i took the kidlets to church. she really seemed to like my church. it's nothing like my home church, but it did meet my mom's approval for where her grandchildren learn about important stuff. after lunch, we spent the rest of the day at a local amusement park.

this was by far the best birthday i think i've ever had... the only thing that sucks is that i'm finally starting to enjoy my 20's and now they are quickly disappearing. *sigh* oh well, i guess that's how life is...

playing catch up

*sigh* half the week is already gone and i still feel like i haven't caught up on everything from being sick.
i finally got my new car back yesterday. well, it's not brand new, but it's new to me... anywho, it had a blown head gasket after i'd only had it for 3 weeks. can we say expensive?
so i've been driving a loaner car. omg, it was so depressing. it was so bad that i worried that it would fall apart before i got my car back. so, i appreciate having my blue bell back that much more.(yes, i name my cars. shh... it's not weird)

in other news: it's 2 days til my birthday! yay me! don't get me wrong, i have plenty of chances to go out and spend time with friends. but i usually don't make a big deal about anything to do with myself. it's usually all about my friends or the kidlets. this one time a year, it's all about me! i love it!
my mom is flying in on thursday night to celebrate with us and spend time with the kidlets. i miss her so much. it's funny, the older i get the more i appreciate the time that i spent growing up in a large family. i truely wish that i could give that to the kidlets, but alas there are certain circumstances that stand in the way of me taking them home to california to live, mainly their fathers. plus, there's that whole thing where i actually know in my heart that i don't belong there.

in other other news: i've started with my cooking and baking again. not the everyday stuff, but the fun pretty stuff that i take pics of. i love trying new recipes and i especially love modifying them to fit my taste. i had taken a break from it for a while, because when all that crazy drama was going on i had the attention span of a goldfish.
so, stay tuned for yummy recipes and pics to come in the near future:)