be-longing

the trouble with being a chameleon is that though you can fit in anywhere, you never know where you truly belong.

reality is hard.

i'm ready for things to start settling down. too many things are happening all at once. you would think that i would feel more settled now that i'm here with family, but most of the time it's the opposite.

as time goes by i feel even more like a high flying acrobat without a net. i suppose it's insecurity in myself or the things going on around me. in a way, i want to retreat. but retreat back to what? there is nothing anywhere else to go back to.

i still have the uncanny ability to put myself in some of the stupidest situations. though, sometimes i tend to think that maybe i'm just overreaching with my heart.
either way, stupid.

i know some of this sounds a bit enigmatic, but it's all still tangled like old shoelaces. there's been old friends, a funeral, airplanes, hospitals, arguments, not enough music and way to much alcohol. and love, there's been love, but even that is confusing and complicated.

i will be happy when things start making more sense.

(no metaphors were hurt in the writing of this post)

just what i needed

all we want is someone that wants our everything.

so... i've met someone. go ahead and let that sink in.

i'm always so hesitant to tell you all about new people in my life, because i never really know how long they are going to stick around. but this guy, he's... well, he's wonderful. we've been seeing each other for almost 7 weeks.
while my heart has been breaking elsewhere in my life, he's been my bright star in this storm. i think he knows that he's been looking for someone like me as well. or so he says when he says that i'm just what he needed.
he says that this is my song just what i needed by the cars. i adore that he gets it with the music!
he's a sweet, sincere kind of guy. he treats me like a human being. i don't know that i've ever had someone treat me so well and want so much of me. this is def new territory for me. it's amazing and absolutely terrifying at the same time.

being with someone that brings you joy, that's the goal, right?

something that can never be

some days i want to lash out at you and tell you how much you've hurt me. i want to rage and be angry. i want to tell you how sad i am. my heart hurts for all those things that i'll never have with you. i want to keep all of those amazing, happy memories intact. i don't want to look back in regret. i need to let go. i need to move on. i need to start new. i love you, but i can't do this anymore. i can't keep holding on to something that can never be.

we almost...

antihistamines and soft music

welp, it didn't take long for the insomnia fairy to catch up with me. i guess it took a couple of weeks to acclimate to the time difference. usually antihistamines and soft music are my friend, but apparently only for a few hours tonight/this morning.

like i've said, i'm not sure how long i'll be here so i've started the whole sending out of resumes business. i hate looking for a job, but on the upside, i have a job interview on friday morning. it sounds promising. cross your fingers!

in other news: i get the best phone calls! you know, the kind where sexy musicians play beautiful music on the piano for me. i've heard him on the bass so many times, but on the piano, he's amazing!
he's the one i miss the most.

sigh.

oh heart, do shut up!

new adventures

hey kids! i'm back.

i've had some growing up to do, i suppose.

i've had some heart break to put behind me as well.

because of family obligations, i'm in california. i'm not sure for how long. while i am here, i am HERE. maybe this is a new start on a new life or it could be just a fresh perspective on the life that i so long ago left behind. i guess we'll just have to wait and see.

cheers to new adventures!

tired

we all want to be loved and desired.

it's plain and simple.

i'm tired and my body aches, but my friend needs me right now. so i'm putting rest aside today.

to my lovelies: #1

i wrote you an email. i'll be writing more over time and publishing as i can.

dear lovelies,

i haven't posted for MONTHS and it's driving me absolutely nuts! it's kinda complicated as to why.

a quick list of some of the reasons:

i met a guy that started as my friend and then became more for about minute. not something i had planned for, it just kinda happened.

said guy's brother passed away suddenly and everything turned to sh*.

i moved, again.

issues with the kidlets.

issues with friend.

sickness... lots of sickness.

and i've been trying to recuperate ever since.

these days my soul is tired.