Nothing is so strong as gentleness

the hardest thing about growing up, is that you have to do what is right for you even if it means breaking someone's heart, including your own...

alas with the broken hearts again... *sigh* sometimes life hands you something that you don't really know how to handle.

TWLOHA

to write love on her arms is a cause that i can support wholeheartedly!!

posted on facebook: To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery. you can visit their site here.

there is an event posted on facebook, that i encourage you to check out here.

p.s. i'm not usually the type to get involved, but this is something that touches close to home.

pressure

i feel like i've been living under this weight the last couple of days. gah! what a relief to get that last post out of the way... sad, isn't it? it was great weekend. it was super awesome in fact, but dang, if i haven't retold that story enough times!
ok, now that i've got that out, i can get on with it. i know, complain, complain...

anywho, i have been all over the place the last couple days. thoughts, emotions, stresses, and a tinge of sad. not good things... well, some of them are, but i don't know what to do with them.
i'm sad that my mom had to leave already. i had such a great visit with her. usually, she stresses me out to an extreme.
you see, my mom likes control. she puts a lot of pressure on me to be that person that she idealizes in her head. i know she wants the best for me, but i have my own way of doing things and my own views about life. so yeah... me and her, we kinda butt heads.
this visit was different. it was for the most part without stress or pressure. i think it was easier, because i didn't put my life on hold for her visit. instead, i kinda dropped her in and let her see how it really is. i think she understands better who i am. wow! that's crazy isn't it??

the only thing that she pressured/questioned me about was sd. he had dinner with the group on friday night. it took my mom a minute to figure out who he was, but she's heard about him in the past. she couldn't understand why i don't date him. he's a great guy, stable, responsible, etc. plus! he bought me jewelry for my birthday....
i hate having to explain stuff like this to her, but i told her that he and i are friends only. while yes, he's great, he's just not for me. i like my independence and my 'freedom' and am not willing to give that up right now. i just don't have that 'thing', that connection with him that would make it worth it. period.

as for my thoughts and emotions that are giving me confusion, i'm still trying to formulate them. i'm not sure that i will write about them here. i may wait and post about them elsewhere. *wink*

birthday weekend 09

this weekend brought to you by no sleep, copious amounts of caffeine, and the letter "w" for woohoo!

this years celebrations were many. i ended up with less than 3 hours of sleep per night, but i truly had a blast! so much happened that i'm trying to figure out where to start. i guess i'll start with thursday...
thursday night was fun and mellow. the kidlets and i had a quiet dinner at a small upscale diner close to where we live. we loved it. it was a solid family night with good food and a milkshake and cookies for desert. i stayed up late that night waiting for my mom to get here from california. needless to say, that night started my weekend off with only 3 hours of sleep under my belt.

friday, we had cake at work and i had lunch with a friend. that night a big group of us went to dinner at a restaurant down by the river. it was a chilly night so we didn't get to sit out on the deck, but it was still a great time. i went with some of 'my crew' to a club across town and danced the night away. we were there until the club closed. it was sooo much fun!
i didn't get home that morning until around 8:30, because i ended up staying at a friend's house. i think i slept until a little after 10, so still not much sleep.

saturday was nice and relaxing. we had a late lunch at the little diner we ate at on thursday.we took our time and had ice cream and cookies for desert. it was one of those days that kinda give you the warm fuzzies. we all had a great time. just puttering around town and shopping.
saturday night, i went to 2 costume parties. the first one was thrown by one of my girls and the second one was a keg party that rt had been invited to. good times were had by all!
we ended the night by going to IHOP for breakfast. it's nice to sit and talk and wind down after a crazy night.
i even got a phone call from fr while we were waiting for our food. he was on his way back from playing a wedding in huntsville. *sigh* of course after that, i ended up taking my food home with me. i was in bed just after 5:30, but up by 8:30. thank god for red bull!!

sunday was a good day. my mom and i took the kidlets to church. she really seemed to like my church. it's nothing like my home church, but it did meet my mom's approval for where her grandchildren learn about important stuff. after lunch, we spent the rest of the day at a local amusement park.

this was by far the best birthday i think i've ever had... the only thing that sucks is that i'm finally starting to enjoy my 20's and now they are quickly disappearing. *sigh* oh well, i guess that's how life is...

playing catch up

*sigh* half the week is already gone and i still feel like i haven't caught up on everything from being sick.
i finally got my new car back yesterday. well, it's not brand new, but it's new to me... anywho, it had a blown head gasket after i'd only had it for 3 weeks. can we say expensive?
so i've been driving a loaner car. omg, it was so depressing. it was so bad that i worried that it would fall apart before i got my car back. so, i appreciate having my blue bell back that much more.(yes, i name my cars. shh... it's not weird)

in other news: it's 2 days til my birthday! yay me! don't get me wrong, i have plenty of chances to go out and spend time with friends. but i usually don't make a big deal about anything to do with myself. it's usually all about my friends or the kidlets. this one time a year, it's all about me! i love it!
my mom is flying in on thursday night to celebrate with us and spend time with the kidlets. i miss her so much. it's funny, the older i get the more i appreciate the time that i spent growing up in a large family. i truely wish that i could give that to the kidlets, but alas there are certain circumstances that stand in the way of me taking them home to california to live, mainly their fathers. plus, there's that whole thing where i actually know in my heart that i don't belong there.

in other other news: i've started with my cooking and baking again. not the everyday stuff, but the fun pretty stuff that i take pics of. i love trying new recipes and i especially love modifying them to fit my taste. i had taken a break from it for a while, because when all that crazy drama was going on i had the attention span of a goldfish.
so, stay tuned for yummy recipes and pics to come in the near future:)

grownups

as the fog is lifting

hehe... oops. it's been more than a week since my last post. i'm so bad, i know.

i feel like i have much to talk about, but the fog has not yet lifted this morning. me and mondays... yeah, we don't get along so well. these are the days that i just want to crawl back under my rock until at least noon. CAFFEINE!!... blessed caffeine, thy name is love...

grrr... still sleepy. *yawn*

this last week or so has gone by in kind of a flash. last weekend was WILD fun. friday... oh friday, was def an interesting start to my weekend. i was def ready for a night out. of all places, we started the night out at a strip club. wow! that's all i'm gonna say about that place... it was fun though.
we ended that night at a sports bar watching fr's band play. that may not have been the best choice, but it was super fun. i was testing the waters with a guy friend of mine, and he was so not excited about the way that fr looked at me. i didn't notice anything wrong, but whatever. dudes are funny that way. i so don't have the patience for jealousy. what's funny about that situation, is that this friend told me a few days later that he was going to try and get back with his ex. ha, story of my life these days...
saturday was supposed to be a girl's night with lb, but it didn't end up that way. 'my crew' called me wanting me to come with them. since i hadn't been out with them since all that drama on valentine's day, i just had to go. we went to a club that i hadn't been to since i was 19. holy wow! it was a blast! i danced and danced and danced... hehe, then i rode the mechanical bull. seriously, i did, i even have pics to prove it.

monday rolled around and i was done. i was so sick and achy. it was horrible. i don't even remember the last time i had cold chills. thank goodness it wasn't the actual flu, that would have sucked! ah, see it comes out, that's why i didn't blog last week. i was cocooned in my house trying to sleep off that stupid virus. i didn't even go into work until thursday. man, i must have been pathetic.

so here it was the weekend again.

friday was great! the boy went to his dad's for the weekend, so it was just me and the girl. we had some mommy time. it was a pretty tame night. out to dinner and then grocery shopping for our picnic the next day.

interesting turn of events- fr was texting. yep, i'm as shocked as you are... he was sweet. i'm such a sucker. so, i guess we get to hang out again. yay me!

i had so much fun with the girl on saturday. i took her to the corn maze and had a picnic. we went on a hayride and she got to pick out a pumpkin. it was so freezing so we didn't stay more than a few hours. i hate the cold.
that night i went out. we celebrated my friends birthday and i def got my birthday week off to a great start! we watched fr's band and i drank more than i should have. all in all, it was an amazing night.

i think too much

gah! i feel like such a baby. i get to thinking about the way that things are vs. the way that things were say 6 months ago. this just sucks. i need to find something to keep me busy.
this single no drama thing is working out pretty well as far as the stress factor goes. i def have a lot more time on my hands. i think i'm just lonely. i have great friends that i love to pieces, but i don't have that one person that i can talk to all the time about everything.
i know i said i'm closing up shop, but it's hard to stick to decisions like that. i'm sure i will for a while though. it is gonna take a lot for some one to get through all the road blocks.

what i needed to hear today

never cease loving a person, and never give up hope for him,for even the prodigal son who had fallen most low, could still be saved; the bitterest enemy and also he who was your friend could again be your friend; love that has grown cold can kindle. -soren kierkegaard

i give up

i do. i give up. i'm done. i'm over it, all of it.

i got a message on myspace this morning from fr. i thought 'oh how interesting... i wonder what that's about'
well, he was basically telling me that him and his ex have decided to give it another try at a relationship. so that means he can't hang out with me anymore. this totally sucks, cause i was really starting to like the way that things were going.

i think i'm kinda just over the dudes. fr would have been the ONLY guy i would have even considered. so now i'm closing up shop for a while. my heart can't take anymore. i need to protect myself from being hurt again.